The boy in the Chinese shirt sighed and whipped out a cigarette. Lighting

it

with a spark of ki, he took a long drag. Looking at Sailor Moon, he

replied,

"Yeah, another one. What is it with you sailor chicks and stickin' your
heads in other people business?"

Sailor Moon scowled and began to quake in anger. How dare he! How dare

Question mark, not exclamation.

this... monster lecture her about butting in?! He was in her house
threatening her mother! Her grasp on her scepter tightened and her teeth

I know you're trying to mimic Usagi's thoughts here, but it's "in her house
AND threatening her mother".

Actually, you should try reworking that whole paragraph to take out some of
those "her"'s.  Just a stylistic thing, though, I don't think it's actually
bad grammar.

clenched at his nerve. "It's our duty to protect the innocent from

monsters

like you!" she exclaimed with great vehemence.

He looked over to Ikuko and in a tired tone, he asked, "Do you need
protecting?"

Usagi was surprised when her mother shook her head. "Not at all,
Ranma-kun... and don't smoke in my house!"

Ranma chucked in embarrassment and flash incinerated the cigarette.

"Gomen!"

Cute scene, but it doesn't seem right considering the Ranma you've developed
in this story.

<snip>

Usagi turned her head to the source of the dull chuckle. It was her

mother.

The woman had stood up and was intently looking over Sailor Venus and
herself. There was a very intense, and slightly cracked gleam in her eyes.
The way she held her head only enunciated by shadowing them. She had a

very

*blink* "enunciated"?  "enhanced", perhaps?

"U-SA-GI!" Ikuko screamed in rage, her lungs somehow providing enough

force

to rattled the very foundations of the house.

"rattle"

Sailor Moon shrunk back at her mother's outburst.

In one swift motion the woman grabbed her magic girl daughter by the ear,
forcing her to bend at a very unnatural angle. Screaming loudly, but

without

the banshee like force she had used before, she exclaimed" TSUKINO USAGI,
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?"

"banshee-like"

All Usagi managed to do was cry out in pain from her ears. If it wasn't

pain

from the close proximity sonic blast, then it was the fact that they were
all but being torn from her skull by a exceptionally pissed off mother.

"close-proximity"
"pissed-off" (that one's arguable)

<SNIP>

With the kind of stride usually reserved for death row inmates walking the
green mile, Usagi walked over to the table and sat down, seemingly

defeated.

I think "Green Mile" is should be capitalized.


Nothing else stood out to me.

I'm really enjoying this series.  It's easily one of your better ones.

I would, however, suggest that you take some time and look up the true lot
of teenage pregnancies in Japan.  From what I recall, Hotaru is actually
understating what sort of social pressures she's going to be under.

--
Christopher Angel
c_j_angel@hotmail.com

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