--- "PsyckoSama (Sam Phoenix)" <syp104@email.psu.edu> wrote:

Awkward Consequences
Chapter 11: A Mother's Love 
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)

Since I was asking about this story not so long ago, I thought it might be good to try and offer some C&C.  Oh and, not incidentally, show that formatting problems aren't the only thing that can get me to respond to fics that I've read.  ^_^

As is standard, all comments are my own opinion only.

The boy in the Chinese shirt sighed and whipped out a cigarette.
Lighting it with a spark of ki, he took a long drag. Looking at Sailor
Moon, he replied, "Yeah, another one. What is it with you sailor chicks
and stickin' your heads in other people business?"

I don't recall whether I may have mentioned this before, but the one major problem I have with this fic is Ranma smoking.  I am no martial artist, but I understand that the martial arts, especially as Ranma practices them, depend upon precise breath control.  I just can't see him deliberately doing anything to interfere with that.

On the other hand, it might be amusing to see a scene in which one of the adult characters (Haruka, Micharu, Setsuna, maybe even Ikuko) lectures Ranma about secondhand smoke being bad for the baby.  Up to you.

Usagi was surprised when her mother shook her head. "Not at all,
Ranma-kun... and don't smoke in my house!"

Well, that works too.

The boy "I'm Saotome Ranma of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts.
If ya wanna fight me, let's take this outside."

The boy said, perhaps?  Something's off in that sentence.

Oh, and this is typical Ranma, and a far cry from typical Sailor Moon villians.  I can almost see why Usagi might be a tad bit confused.

Usagi paused as she mentally added all the factors. The father of
Hotaru's baby was named Saotome Ranma. Minako said that she saw him
walking into a Love Hotel with Hotaru. Hotaru had described Ranma was a
wonderful person and claimed that he was a powerful martial artist, but
why then would he be threatening her mother, and why for that matter
would her mother be acting like nothing was wrong? Oh, why did thinking
have to hurt so much!

Maybe because she does so little of it?

Usagi turned her head to the source of the dull chuckle. It was her
mother. The woman had stood up and was intently looking over Sailor
Venus and herself. There was a very intense, and slightly cracked gleam
in her eyes. The way she held her head only enunciated by shadowing
them. She had a very bad feeling about this.

"I see..." Ikuko sighed, and regained her composure. In an unnaturally
calm voice she said, "Ranma-kun, don't worry yourself. I'll handle
this."

Usagi gulped, hard, and shuddered as an ice cold shiver made its way up
her spine. She knew that tone, and she knew it well. Nothing good had
ever come of it, at least for her.

I think you may want 'at least not for her'.

Ikuko walked up to Sailor Moon and looked the odangoed senshi in the
eyes. For a second she relaxed totally, closed he eyes, and took a very
deep breath. It was not to last.

"U-SA-GI!" Ikuko screamed in rage, her lungs somehow providing enough
force to rattled the very foundations of the house. 

Sailor Moon shrunk back at her mothers outburst. 

mother's outburst.  Apostrophe to indicate possession.  And I don't think this is formatting problem, since I haven't noticed any others.

In one swift motion the Ikuko grabbed her magic girl daughter by the

the Ikuko?  something's off here, too.

ear, forcing her to bend at a very unnatural angle. Screaming loudly,
but without the banshee like force she had used before, she exclaimed"
TSUKINO USAGI, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?"

Yes!  It's scenes like this that make this fic worth reading.

Oh, and this is the first fic, much less original anime, I've seen in which a magical girl has to deal with a parent who has figured out her extra-curricular activities.  I like it.

her mind for you for over four years! On top of that, WHAT THE HELL WERE
YOU THINKING, busting into this house and threatening a guest, acting
like some kinda of underdressed juvenile delinquent!? Has being Sailor
Moon warped your mind, am I a failure as a mother, or are you just that
overwhelmingly STUPID!?" Ikuko trailed off momentarily, panting for air.

Would Ikuko really say something like 'kinda'?  I haven't commented on grammar problems in dialog before, especially Ranma's, because I figured you intended it as a deliberate character trait.  Here, though, I'm not certain that applies.

Having fully caught her breath, Ikuko continued. "Minako's one of those
underdressed vigilantes too I see, and from the sound of it so is poor
Hotaru-chan! What about your other friends, huh? Ami, Minako, Rei? What

Minako?  She knows about Minako already.

exact are you girls? You dress like some perverts wet dream ruining

exactly.  That needs to be an adverb.

around in those silly in those silly Lolita-Con schoolgirl outfits all
day long, are you just devil hunters are you something more extreme,

that comma after long really should be a semicolon.  Either that or a period, and make what follows a separate sentence.

like some kind of sick religious cult bent on world domination or
something? Are you recruiting? What other poor girls have you drawn into

Sick religious cult bent on world domination . . . you know, looked at in a certain light, it's amazing how accurate that is.

your madness, how about poor, innocent Chibi-Usa? It looks like you
conned poor Hotaru in, what about her? Where does the madness end
Usagi?! Answer me, damn it... ANSWER ME!"

poor, innocent Chibi-Usa . . . hah!  And, of course, Usagi can't mention Chibi-Usa's exact role, since that leads straight back to the world domination bit . . . .

"How about 'the beginning', but first, why did you attack out guest?"

our guest.  typo.

Chibi-Usa blinked in surprise and walked down the steps to get a better
look. Mentally she categorized the situational elements. She did NOT
like what she saw

Missing a period here.

First, there was Usagi sitting at the table looking like she was about
to be executed in some horrible, horrible way. Then there was Ikuko-mama
sitting across from Usagi wearing that same psychotically unhinged look
that the Neo-queen had used on her last time she'd snuck off with the
Time Key to visit Hotaru-chan. Then, there was Ranma and Minako, no,
correction, SAILOR VENUS, standing off to the side looking like a couple
of idiots. 

So, that's where she go it.

got it.  typo.

NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD! She didn't know what was going on but she damn well
wanted to find out before this blew up in HER face!

Smart girl.

Chibi-Usa hear a squeak on the steps above her and look over. It seemed
as if Hotaru wanted to know what was going on as well. 

heard a squeak.  typo.

Chibi-Usa paused for a moment, and blinked in surprise. Were Hotaru's
eyes *supposed* to be glowing?

That's probably not a good sign, no.

---------

Tomoe Hotaru was not having the best of weeks. In fact, in the last
three to four days her mood had gone up and down more often then a pair
of Kangaroos in the mating season. She didn't know if was her pregnancy

Interesting comparison there.

hormones starting to kick in of the kind of crap that happened for the
sole reason of making people's live that much more difficult, but it was
really starting to get on her nerves.

She was unsure of everything. She knew that deep down the apparent
happiness she had since meeting Ranma was for the most part, a facade, a
pitiful attempt to trick herself into believing that everything was
going to end up just hokey-dory. That was bullshit and she knew it. She
was going to be a teen mother which would make her even more ostracized
by the public, she was engaged to wed a man who, no matter how sweet he
was, she barely knew, and the kind of emotional betrayal she'd suffered
of the past few days at the hands of her family deep left scars. 

So we do have some negative reactions, and some more potential conflict.  Good; stories need that sort of thing.

Earlier in the day Hotaru and her "beloved" had decided to do some soul
searching followed by the kinds of wild and wacky adult activities that
couples like to do in Love Hotels. What really made this "memorable" was
the presence of her father figure at the door, a little bit of fun made
possible by one "Anio Minako", a girl who was standing about 

Aino.  typo.

fifteen

feet from Hotaru 

Missing period.  Check for this at the ends of other paragraphs, too; I'm going to stop pointing them out.

"Excuse me, Chibi-Usa," murmured Hotaru, in a sugar sweet tone.

You either want sugary sweet (sugary is an adverb modifying sweet) or sugar-sweet (a compound agective).  I'm honestly not sure which would be better.

"What?" Minako squeaked, quite intimidated by her precarious position.
It wasn't every day Hotaru shifted into full fledged Sailor Saturn more
and physically intimidated someone after decking them.

Sailor Saturn mode.  typo.

"Limits and respect for the privacy of others, Minako. Lets go over what
happened, shall we? You saw me and Ranma enter a love hotel earlier

Grammatically, this should 'Ranma and me'.  But, it's dialog, so you probably can leave it alone.

today and considered it was your solemn duty to spread the rumor as
quickly as physically possible."

Hotaru scoffed. "Wait, I forgot. Your self-centered, trivially minded,
boy obsessed fluff-brain personality frights away all things male who
are looking for anything deeper then a quick screw! Just because you
can't find someone who can stomach you for more then one night, doesn't
mean you should make others suffer because of your shortcomings!"

Ouch!

Minako reeled at the harshness of the assault. Hotaru knew that the self
appointed "Senshi of Love" was very sensitive about her inability to
find a boyfriend. It gave her a very easy target, and memories of the
insults she was oft victim to gave her one hell of an arsenal. 

Grammatically, it should be 'to which she was oft victim'.  Prepositions must have objects.

Ignoring, or rather reveling in Minako's discomfort, Hotaru added, "I
want to make this clear: you will never do it again."

 . . . reveling in, Minako's . . .

'or rather reveling in' is a parenthetical phrase that needs to be set off by commas.  Dashes could work too, but commas are probably better, since there's no reason not to use them.

Minako gulped and nodded. "I understand."

"You better..." Hotaru released her, throwing Minako to the floor. The
Blonde senshi quickly scampered away form Hotaru and stood on her feet.

from Hotaru.  typo.

Ikuko mutely looked around the room. She turned to Minako, who was about
ready to soil her fuku, She turned to her daughter who looked damn

I think you wanted a period after fuku, not a comma.  You might also want to find something other than 'She turned' to begin one of those sentences.

intimidated. She looked to Chibi-Usa who seemed almost as confused as
she was. She looked to Hotaru who was both apologetic and enraged.
Finally she looked to Ranma, who seemed like nothing was amiss.

And the same here, with 'she looked'.  Too much repetition too close together is usually not a good thing.

Ranma stepped forward. "Okay, I can explain part of it. I'm used to
being on the spot like this."

"I can imagine," Usagi's mother dryly remarked.

Ranma smiled. "I don't know much about the Sailor Senshi stuff besides
what little Hotaru told me..."

Ikuko glanced at Sailor Saturn, who shyly waved hello.

"But I can explained why she was so mad at Minako."

I can explain.  You don't want past tense here.

Ikuko looked at Minako, who was still shaken. 

"Please do."

"Well," Ranma started. "I'd pretty basic. Me and her went into a love

I'd pretty basic?  It's pretty basic, perhaps?  Or maybe I'd say it's pretty basic?

hotel so she could show me her senshi transformation and stuff. Minako
over there saw it and apparently, she told everyone. Haruka found out
where we were and was there to greet us when we left."

"Does this mean I can still be Sailor Moon?" asked the odangoed girl.

"Of course. You do a service for the community, and while I might not
like the idea of my little girl running off to fight evil it's an
important responsibility. I've never been as proud of you as I am now."

This almost seems off.  She goes from accusing them of being a religious cult bent on world domination not so long ago to this?

Usagi smiled. "Thanks momma..."

"Now Usagi, I'm not going to ground you for being Sailor Moon. I'm not
going to say anything else about those consumes..." Ikuko's voice
lowered. "I have this sinking feeling that they have some god-awful
spinning naked in a light show transformation effect but I doubt you
have any choice in uniforms. I'm not laying blame for thinks you can't
help."

She's seen four transformations by now; she should know what they look like.  Usagi's back to normal, Hotaru's to Saturn, and then Minako's and Hotaru's back to normal.  Perhaps only the second of those matters--the anime doesn't seem to deal much with returning to normal form--but she has seen it.

"Good," Stated Ikuko as she stood up. Looker at her daughter she said,
"You are not to leave this house until we have a long talk. We have a
lot of things to talk about." Turning to the others she said, "Hotaru,
I'm sorry that I couldn't talk to you but I want you to know I'm here"

Missing period again.  I know I said I wasn't going to point out any more of those, but this one needs to go inside the quotation mark.

Ikuko shook her head and waived goodbye to her neice.
She smiled and Hotaru and motioned her head for the small girl to follow
her.

niece.  oh, if only she knew . . . .

(and it is niece, by the way.  i before e.)

"Hey, what's that?" Ranma asked

Hotaru sighed. "Our friend, Yoko is having problems. Oni attack at the
park, we have to go help stop it..."

Such timing.

Well, that was a fun ride.  I hope to see the next chapter soon.

Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
junior member of the Inner Circle of the Mages Council

Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science do mix.

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