I know a few people have been eagerly awaiting this, and I will keep you
in suspense no longer. Davner has been a very good sport about this, and
everything here is posted with his permission.



REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
MUTSUMI WRITES A LEMON
THE OAVing

NACHO: Welcome to the fourth edition of OAV 42!

ACE: The fourth one to go public, anyway. You're not counting all the
failed experiments.

NACHO: All right, then. The fifth edition of OAV 42.

SHEILA: You're never going to let us live that down, are you, Ace?

ACE: Well, who do you think had to pay for the damages?

NACHO: It wasn't you. You're flat broke.

ACE: Well, DUH! After I paid for the damages!

SHEILA: There weren't any financial damages anyway. Nido just forgot to
ask for permission before starting, and let our guest stars get a bit
out of hand.

NACHO: Well, he didn't make that mistake this time! We have Davner's
permission to go ahead with an OAV 42 treatment of his classic script
format story, "Mutsumi Writes a Lemon".

JUNK: Woo hoo! Lemons are my favorite!

NACHO: Not sure how much crude content there will be in this one. It is
Mutsumi we're talking about, after all.

ACE: But is that truly naive Mutsumi, or raging-hormonal Mutsumi hiding
behind a mask of naivete?

JUNK: We can only hope.

SHEILA: If she'd go so far as to write a lemon, she'd have to have less
innocence than we're led to believe.

NACHO: But that might destroy the point of having Mutsumi be the one to
write it.

ACE: Only one way to find out... let's get to it!

<BEGIN FANFIC>

Mutsumi Writes a Lemon

NACHO: <Mutsumi> Oh, my! He thrust his... into her... and then they...
oh, my!

JUNK: <Haruka> You can't keep dotting out the good parts, girl!

Love Hina is the property of TV Tokyo.

ACE: Then Ken Akamatsu has given up all claim to it?

NACHO: Probably landed on Boardwalk and had to mortgage it off.

ACE: Darn property taxes.

The following is written in script format. This isn't a typical story,

and the

script format simply works better in this case.

SHEILA: What? What kind of excuse is that? What EVER works better in
script format?

ACE: ...

NACHO: ...

SHEILA: Right. Forget I asked.

(Mutsumi Otohime's voice is heard off page.)

ACE: But it's ON the page, isn't it?

NACHO: If the page spoke to me, I'd be worried.

*Love Hina is the property of
those wonderful people at TV Tokyo. Today, I want to write a story

about two

wonderful friends in love!*

ACE: Those are the double disclaimers, I suppose.

NACHO: So, these wonderful people in love work for TV Tokyo?

*Once upon a time, there was Naru Narusegawa chan...*

SHEILA: A distant relative of Jackie chan.

ACE: She had a bunch of evil stepsisters and a maniacal turtle living in
her house...

NARU: (Appears on the page in a flash of light, a bowl of soup in her

hand and

a spoon in her mouth.) ACK! (She spits out the soup.) What the hell?!

NACHO: <Naru> This soup is COLD!

ACE: It's gazpacho! It's meant to be served cold!

SHEILA: What are you guys talking about?

ACE: Obscure reference.

SHEILA: No... I mean I can't read the words anymore. I was blinded by
the flash of light.

*She was in love with Kei kun, a lovable young boy who she liked to

beat up...*

SHEILA: And he liked to catch her in the nude. Seems fair to me.

NARU: (Turns red in embarassment.) I AM NOT! (Blinks.) MUTSUMI SAN?!

Is

that you?!

NACHO: <Mutsumi> I don't believe I'm the third Mutsumi. I'm the first
one I ever knew about.

SHEILA: And how is she hearing Mutsumi, anyway? Haven't these people
ever heard of the fourth wall?

ACE: I think it's between them and us, not between them and them. You're
thinking of the second wall.

SHEILA: Second wall? Where's the third?

ACE: I don't know.

NACHO: No, that's the third BASEMAN.

*......Suddenly, Kei kun appeared...*

NACHO: And the masculine content of the story plunged by 73%.

KEITARO: (Appears in a flash of light next to Naru.) HUH?! (Looks

around the

page in bewilderment.) Narusegawa san!? What is this place?!

NACHO: <Naru> Looks like the set of Kingdom Hearts.

ACE: It's a page right out of history.

SHEILA: Has anyone got a pair of sunglasses?

*Kei kun loved Naru chan, but was too afraid to say anything...*

NACHO: Aside from "HUH?!" and "Narusegawa san!?" and "What is this
place?!"

ACE: Clarification: Kei kun was too afraid to say anything with less
than two punctuation marks.

NARU AND KEITARO: WHAT?!

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> I said, "Kei kun loved Naru chan, but was too afraid
to say anything..."

NACHO: Aside from a shared "WHAT?!"

ACE: We did that joke already.

NACHO: So did the author.

*But Naru was a very mean, cold hearted woman...*

NARU: I am?

NACHO: I wouldn't say so. Not as much as, say, Motoko or Kanako.

ACE: Or Haruka.

SHEILA: <Haruka> (smacks Ace on the head)

JUNK: She may be cold-hearted, but her bosom is oh so warm!

*Who liked to beat up Kei kun...*

NACHO: Most of the residents of the Hinata Inn, that's who.

ACE: And most of the townsfolk, too.

NACHO: Just about everyone who's ever met him, in fact.

KEITARO: Well...that part's true...

SHEILA: <Naru> (smacks Keitaro) You think I enjoy this? (bashes Keitaro)
Do you? (kicks Keitaro) Well, that one was kind of fun... (whomps
Keitaro) But that one wasn't!

JUNK: <Keitaro> (gropes Naru) Hey, if I'm going to get beaten up anyway,
why not make the most of it?

NARU: BAKA!

ACE: Great. Just what we need. Gratuitous Japanese.

NACHO: Iranai you no nihongo.

SHEILA: It always gets him started...

NACHO: Doushite fanfikushon no sakusha ga, itsumo nihongo wo
tsukawanakute ha naranai to omou no kana?

SHEILA: Let's just move on before he decides to show off any more than
necessary.

NACHO: All I'm saying is, if you're going to use Japanese, do it right
and go all the way!

(She belts Kei and sends him flying.) I am NOT mean!!!!

SHEILA: <Keitaro> I can see thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! *ding*

NACHO: If you read carefully, you'll notice that he specifically DIDN'T
agree with that part. He agreed that she loves to beat him up, which she
clearly does.

JUNK: <Keitaro> Aw, Naru chan! I WANT you to be mean! Savage me, baby!

(Turns
and looks up at the author.) Mutsumi san! What is this all about?!

NACHO: <Mutsumi> Don't look at me... I'm a character just like you.
(looks up at the author) So, Mr. Author san? What is this all about?

ACE: <Author> I'm getting to that.

*I'm writing a lemon for fanfiction.net, Naru chan! Isn't it

exciting!?*

ACE: <Author> *psst... it's dot com.*

NACHO: <Mutsumi> Sorry. fanfiction.net... it's dot com!

SHEILA: Since when is anything on fanfiction.net exciting?

NIDO: Hey! I've got some of my own stories up there!

SHEILA: Any of our OAV42s there?

NIDO: No... they're not allowed.

SHEILA: I rest my case.

NARU: A LEMON?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN LEMONS!!!???

ACE: <Mutsumi> Citric acid and pulp, of course!

*.......*

NARU: Well?!

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> No, I'm not. Actually, I feel a bit ill... (collapses)

*Suddenly, Naru chan donned her BSDM outfit...*

JUNK: Breast-Showing Dominatrix Model outfit?

NARU: WHAT?! (There's a flash of light, and suddenly, Naru is dressed

in a

leather corset and spiked heels.) AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

SHEILA: From the sound of that scream, I'm GLAD I can't see.

JUNK: It's the image I've been waiting for all my life.

NACHO: You know, she gets naked all the time in the manga.

JUNK: Don't kill my buzz.

*That's when Kei kun returned...*

NACHO: ... the book he'd borrowed from the Tokyo U library seven months
earlier.

ACE: <Keitaro> Well, girls, some unforeseen expenses have come up, so
we'll once again be turning this place into a gentlemen's club to raise
profits.

KEITARO: (Falls through the ceiling and hits the floor. He gets up and
blinks.) NARUSEGAWA SAN?!

NACHO: <Keitaro> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! IN EXACTLY... THE SAME
PLACE... YOU WERE BEFORE...

ACE: !?!!?!%$!

SHEILA: Bet his throat's getting mighty sore by now.

ACE: Matches the rest of his body nicely, then.

NARU: (Turning a deep red and trying to cover herself.) IT'S NOT WHAT

IT LOOKS

LIKE!

NACHO: By covering what little clothing she was wearing, she just
manages to make it look like she's wearing nothing at all.

ACE: Thus making Homer Simpson forget everything he's ever learned about
skiing.

KEITARO: (Has a nosebleed.)

SHEILA: Well, he DID just fall out of the sky.

NARU: HENTAI!!! (Belts Keitaro again and sends him flying.)

NACHO: <Keitaro> I don't remember a belt being part of your
costuuuuuuuuuuuuuume! *ding*

*Hmmmmm....What else should be in my lemon? Ah!*

NACHO: <Mutsumi> It squirted me in the eye!

JUNK: Wow. I never knew you had it in you.

NACHO: ... I was talking about the lemon! Like grapefruit! Squirting
juice!

JUNK: Riiiiiiiight.

NARU: Oh, Kami sama, make her stop...

ACE: <God> Sorry, I'm due for a role in Danny the Dog in a few minutes.
You're on your own. But you may find these prayer beads helpful.

SHEILA: <Naru> (prays) Namu amida namu amida namu amida...

*That's when Naru chan's best friend decided to join in!*

JUNK: All right! Three-way!

NACHO: ... they're not DOING anything.

JUNK: They don't need to. I've got a great imagination.

KITSUNE: (Appears wearing a cheerleader outfit.) Well, this is

unexpected...

ACE: No, that's exactly what I thought she'd be wearing.

NACHO: But the CUBS cheerleader outfit?

ACE: Okay, so that's a surprise.

NARU: Kitsune chan!?

NACHO: Jackie's second cousin on his mother's side.

KITSUNE: Heeey, Naru chan! Nice outfit...

SHEILA: <Naru> Wanna trade?

JUNK: Please, don't let me stop you!

NARU: (Covers herself again.) It's not what you think!

NACHO: <Kitsune> I think you're dressed in a sexy outfit and we're both
every fanboy's dream.

SHEILA: <Naru> Okay, so it's exactly what you think.

KITSUNE: Oh? (Watches as Keitaro comes crashing through the ceiling

again and

grins.)

JUNK: <Keitaro> (grins)

ACE: Admittedly, I'd be grinning like a fool too.

NARU: NO!

NACHO: <Naru> This is bad! If Keitaro's back, I'll have to beat him up
again! And as we all know, I hate doing that!

*Naru chan was all ready to go down on her best friend...*

ACE: ... when he came down on her instead.

SHEILA: (rimshot)

NARU: I AM NOT!!!

JUNK: Then we'll just wait until you are!

*....*

NARU: (Nervous) Wh...why are you writing those thought dots?

JUNK: That's the sound of us waiting, like I said.

ACE: <Mutsumi> Oh, am I supposed to be thinking silently? I never could
get the hang of that.

*Since Naru chan was being so difficult, Haruka san appeared to

discipline

her...*

NACHO: But in reality, Naru secretly enjoyed it.

JUNK: Nothing wrong with that.

HARUKA: (Appears in a flash of light wearing a leather and chains

outfit and

holding a bullwhip.)

NACHO: That's the best-dressed flash of light I've ever seen.

Well... (Takes the cigarette out of her mouth and tosses
it aside.) Who's first?

ACE: <Naru> I'd suggest Mutsumi... since she's the one who put us all up
to this.

NARU: (Screams and runs!)

SHEILA: See! Screaming and running action!

ACE: Hear! Naru's cries of HENTAI! and BAKA! and other Japanese words!

NACHO: Smell! The results of Junk's dinner from last night...

(Everyone moves away from Junk.)

*Naru chan tried to run, but Haruka san caught her with her whip...*

NACHO: <Ash> Great job, Hakurasan! Now use Razor Leaf!

NARU: (Kicks and screams as Haruka drags her, her ankle caught in the

whip, to

the back room.)

NACHO: For a game of high-stakes strip Rock, Paper, Scissors.

ACE: That's not what they called it, you know.

NACHO: And if I thought more people would get the reference, neither
would I.

KITSUNE: Yareyare...(Turns to Keitaro.) You realize what this means,

right?

(Grins evilly.)

NACHO: <Keitaro> No, I don't speak Japanese.

KEITARO: (Gulps) Er...Kitsune...san...Um...(Starts to back away.)

SHEILA: Nor does he speak English, apparently.

*Then, out of the blue, Seta san appeared and swept Kitsune chan off

her feet..*

ACE: <Seta> That's a basic trip. Next week, we'll work on holds and
throws.

SETA: (Appears in a tuxedo.)

SHEILA: <Seta> Halt, doer of evil! You are perverting the actions of
pure characters and blatantly using Japanese in inappropriate ways! In
the name of something with a catchy name, I shall punish you!

KITSUNE: (Blinks, then looks up at the author.) THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

THANK

YOU! (Runs off with Seta san.)

NACHO: They immediately get into a car wreck.

ACE: Now that van really IS a lemon. I guess the title was right.

KEITARO: (Looks nervously from side to side.) Um...Mutsumi san?

ACE: <Mutsumi> (waves) No, I'm up here! Behind the second wall!

*Yes, Kei kun?*

NACHO: <Keitaro> Darn. I thought maybe you'd forgotten I was here and
left.

KEITARO: Er...is the lemon over, now?

ACE: Did it start?

*Oh, no, Kei kun.*

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> There's still half the cast left to embarrass!

KEITARO: You're not going to...um...write Shinobu chan or Su chan into

this

lemon, are you?

NACHO: We could have a Chan family reunion!

ACE: Jackie Chan in: Love Hina Lemon Reunion!

*Of course not, Kei kun!*

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> That's against the law. Otherwise, I'd do it in a
heartbeat!

JUNK: <Mutsumi> In the meantime, here's Kanako to make it up to you.

ALL: <Keitaro> Incest, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

KEITARO: (Sighs in relief.)

*Suddenly, the woman of Kei kun's dreams, a beautiful otaku girl,

appeared!*

NACHO: First rule of fiction: A relieved sigh ALWAYS brings trouble!

JUNK: Hey, I would NOT mind the woman of my dreams appearing in front of
me!

ACE: Then go for it.

JUNK: (sighs in relief)

(A hologram of Cologne appears in front of him.)

JUNK: AAAH! Get that thing away from me!

ACE: Ah, the wonders of hologram technology.

KEITARO: Uh....oh...

MUTSUMI: (Appears in a flash of light, wearing a pretty dress.) Hello,

Kei

kun!

NACHO: <Keitaro> Oh, good. I was afraid it would be Shampoo.

KEITARO: Mutsumi san! I'm surprised at you! Writing a Self Insert! How

could

you!?

SHEILA: Well, once you've written lemon, it's all uphill from there.

NACHO: She's getting him beaten up repeatedly, forcing herself on him,
and having his girlfriend dragged off to be tortured S&M style, and his
biggest concern is Mutsumi's writing habits? Prioritize, you dweeb!

MUTSUMI: (Smiles) Self Insertion is only bad if you write yourself as

having

beautiful looks and awesome powers, Kei kun.

ACE: Well, let's see. She described herself as a "beautiful otaku girl"
in a "pretty dress" and has the power to make anything happen by writing
it... I'd say that qualifies.

NARU: STOP! (Appears at the door to Haruka's room, welts on her back

and

handcuffs hanging from her wrists.) Get your stink'n paws off him, you

damn,

dirty otaku!

NACHO: <Naru> ... and get them on ME right away!

JUNK: Act two, the reenactment of the infamous shower scene!

MUTSUMI: (Takes out a notepad and writes.) Suddenly, Naru chan was

attacked by

wild flamingoes...

NACHO: Or by Maximilian wielding a Flamingo.

NARU: (Screams and takes off running as rabid flamingoes begin to

chase her.)

ACE: This is rapidly turning into a bad Hitchcock movie.

HARUKA: (Appears in the doorway, lighting a cigarette.) Hey, Keitaro,

did you

remember to bring protection?

ACE: <Haruka> I'm doing you next!

NACHO: <Keitaro> Is there ANYTHING that can protect me from you, Aunt
Haruka?

SHEILA: <Haruka> Not calling me "Aunt" would be a good start.

KEITARO: Protection?!

NACHO: <Godfather> Yeah, we do dat. How much ya willin' ta pay?

MUTSUMI: Hmmmmm...(Takes out her notepad.)

JUNK: <Mutsumi> These pages aren't quite as effective as the
store-bought kind, but they should work for a quickie.

Luckily, Kei kun didn't need
protection...because...um....because he and the beautiful otaku girl

were

getting married!

NACHO: Ah. So they'll immediately have a falling out, get divorced, and
never want to see each other again. Clever.

KEITARO: WHAT?!

MUTSUMI: Hai! (Writes in her notepad.)

ACE: <Mutsumi> Take Kei kun to doctor to have hearing checked...

The couple were all set to marry...
(There's a flash, and Mutsumi appears in a wedding gown.) Now let's

see...

(Begins writing again.) Seta san was kind enough to perform the

ceremony...

NACHO: <Seta> Okay, we've got the candles and the pentagram. Who brought
the live chicken?

SETA: (Appears in a flash of light with Kitsune on his lap, necking

with him.)

NACHO: <Seta> I said chicken, not chick.

SHEILA: <Kitsune> Aw, and I thought I was your little fox!

MUTSUMI: (Writing) And Naru chan was my maid of honor!

ACE: <Shinobu> (cries) But I wanted to be there for Sempai!

SHEILA: Maid, yes. Honor... debatable.

NARU: (Appears in a flash of light in a bridesmaid's dress, hogtied on

the

floor so she can't cause trouble.) LET ME OUT OF THIS!!!

NACHO: <The Naru with the handcuffs and welts> Well, I guess that means
I'M free to leave this story...

MUTSUMI: (Writing) She was very quiet...

NARU: (A gag appears in her mouth.) MMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFF!!!!

NACHO: <Mutsumi> Quieter than that...

(A metal plate is bolted over Naru's mouth.)

ACE: <Michael Keaton> Steeeeeeeeeee-RIKE!

SETA: Ah! I just love it when young kids such as yourselves commit

your lives

to one another.

NARU: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

NACHO: Translation: Mutsumi's the one who should be committed!

SETA: (Opening a bible.) Do you, beautiful otaku girl, take this man

to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

ACE: Akamatsu 5:17.

MUTSUMI: Hai!

NACHO: <Seta> Yes, hi. Now answer the question.

SETA: And do you, Kei kun, take this beautiful otaku girl to be your

wife?

ACE: <Keitaro> Will I have to change my last name to Chan if I do?

KEITARO: N...

MUTSUMI: (Claps a hand over Keitaro's mouth.) Of course he does.

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> That's how I wrote it.

SETA: Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now have wild

nookie with

the bride.

KEITARO: WHAT?!

ACE: <Seta> Nookie! Geez, don't you kids listen to rap anymore?

MUTSUMI: (Grabs Keitaro's hand.) Oh, Kei kun! Isn't it wonderful?!

We're

finally married and can...

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> ... hold hands like a real married couple!

NACHO: <Keitaro> Um, Mutsumi... married couples do more than just
holding hands.

JUNK: <Mutsumi> A-ha! So you're NOT a total naif after all!

NARU: Excuse me! (Everyone turns to find Naru pulling the ropes off

her and

standing up, rolling her sleeves up.)

NACHO: Take this! ULTIMA! (casts a spell that blows everyone up)

SHEILA: What's that got to do with anything?

NACHO: Favor to a friend. Inside joke.

I think you've forgotten the point of
this lemon...

NACHO: Isn't that an oxymoron?

MUTSUMI: (Blinks vacantly.) So desu ka?

ACE: <Keitaro> (Blinks vacantly.) Could you repeat that in English?

NARU: YES!! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A LEMON ABOUT ME AND KEITARO GOING

AT IT ON

THE FLOOR LIKE A PAIR OF WOLVES IN HEAT!!!!

JUNK: And they accidentally hit the Caps Lock key while they're
thrashing about.

ACE: <Mutsumi> Did you seriously think *I* would write a story about YOU
getting Keitaro?

KITSUNE: You tell her, Naru chan!

NACHO: <Naru> I just did. Was it not loud enough? I don't think I can do
a bigger font in plain text...

NARU: (Blushes and claps her hand over her mouth.)

ACE: <Naru> I said "in heat"! I feel so dirty!

MUTSUMI: You know...

NARU: Oh dear God...

ACE: <Naru> Mutsumi has an idea! Everyone run for the hills!

MUTSUMI: This reminds me of an episode of Liddo Kun and Friends! Liddo

kun met

a Liddo chan and fell in love.

NACHO: Then she turned out to be his female self from that Jusenkyo
curse.

So Liddo kun took Liddo chan back to her place
and had wild nookie. But then Liddo chan's father came home and blew

his face

off with a sawed-off shotgun...

ACE: <Duke Nukem> Groovy.

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> Then Saddam Hussein climbed into bed with Satan and
Kenny died.

EVERYONE: .....

MUTSUMI: Like that!

ACE: <Mutsumi> (puts down the sawed-off shotgun with which she's blown
the faces off everyone present) Perhaps I shouldn't have demonstrated...

NARU: NO! NOT "LIKE THAT!"

MUTSUMI: So desu ka?

NACHO: <Naru> No, not that either!

NARU: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

NACHO: Wow, another one of those people who manage to lengthen the
consonants while keeping the vowels short.

(Grabs Mutsumi's pen and
notebook and writes.) Suddenly, Mutsumi san was hit by a bus!

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> Ow! (bends down to pick up the Hot Wheels bus) How
cute!

MUTSUMI: (Smiles) Naru chan, only the author can write.

ACE: That's debatable.

NACHO: (quickly) Yeah, I'm sure other people can write. It just doesn't
cause things to happen.

ACE: That wasn't my point.

NACHO: We don't need any personal attacks here. We're offensive enough
as it is.

JUNK: (picking his nose) How so?

See? (Takes the pad
and pen back and writes.) That's when Naru chan gained twenty

pounds...

SHEILA: <Naru> Cool! Where shall I spend it?

NARU: (Balloons up around the thighs.) AIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!

NACHO: <Ai> Hey, don't blame me! I couldn't even make my boobs grow to
their ORIGINAL size!

KEITARO: Mutsumi san! You should use your god-like author powers for

good!

Not evil!

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> But I got us married and made Naru fat! That IS good!

MUTSUMI: (Sighs.) Hai, Kei kun...(Writes.) Naru chan didn't gain

twenty

pounds...

NACHO: <Mutsumi> ... she gained forty.

NARU: (Slims down.) THANK YOU, JESUS!!!

SHEILA: <Naru> And thank you, Bally Total Fitness!

MUTSUMI: (Smiles and writes.) Instead she was turned into a penguin!

NACHO: <Ark> Here, have a flower.

NARU: (Screams and cringes, but doesn't change.)

SHEILA: <Naru> Huh? I'm still human?

NACHO: <Keitaro> Quack!

ACE: <Mutsumi> Oops, wrong kanji! Silly me!

MUTSUMI: (Holds up her pen, the point retracted.) Just kidding!

NACHO: <Naru> Not funny, Mutsumi...

SHEILA: <Mutsumi> Just kidding again! I retracted the point AFTER I
wrote that line!

ACE: <Naru> QUACK!

NARU: (Lunges at Mutsumi!) I'LL KILL YOU!!!

SHEILA: Now that's an exciting stage direction!

NACHO: <Great Will> Now, now, Naru. You mustn't kill the author.

ACE: <Great Will> Now, calm down and go marry Shinji for your part in
QEFEFZ.

MUTSUMI: (Screams and runs, still wearing the heavy wedding dress.)

ACE: Runaway bride!

KITSUNE: I'd hate to break up this touching Kodak moment...But why

don't we

just wrap up this lemon? ER is coming on in twenty minutes...

JUNK: <Mutsumi> Okay. Big group orgy for the finale, everyone!

NARU: (Sitting on top of Mutsumi, pulling her hair.) END THE LEMON!

END IT!!!

NACHO: <Naru> Before I tear all my hair out!

MUTSUMI: (Writes.) And they all lived happily ever after, the end.

ACE: <Genie> You can't just wish for world peace! It doesn't work like
that!

EVERYONE: (Look around.)

KEITARO: Er....Nothing's happening...

SHEILA: That's not something you should be complaining about.

EVERYONE: (Looks to Mutsumi)

NACHO: <Mutsumi> (Stares at herself, cross-eyed)

MUTSUMI: Ah...I forgot to add my email address...

NARU: (Pulls on Mutsumi's hair.) THEN ADD IT!!!

ACE: <Mutsumi> But I'm afraid of spam!

MUTSUMI: Itai...(Writes) Please send all comments to Liddo Chan, at
Otohime_M@notarealemail.com.

JUNK: To: Otohime_M@notarealemail.com - Do you want to gain three inches
or more while losing weight with one of our beautiful Russian girls who
love to strip for YOU? Great mortage rates!

NACHO: <Liddo-chan> Reply: (blows Junk's face off with a sawed-off
shotgun)

Thank you for reading my story about two friends
who...

NARU: END IT!!

ACE: With a murder-suicide pact!

MUTSUMI: The End.

EVERYONE: (Disappears in a flash of light.)

NACHO: Okay, who's the wise guy Saiyan who destroyed our cast?

*.....*

NACHO: How many periods are supposed to be in an ellipsis, anyway?

ACE: Three shall be the number of the periods, and the number shall be
three. Neither shalt there be two, nor shalt there be four, excepting at
the end of the sentence. Five is right out.

*....*

ACE: Well, this is a well-punctuated silence.

*...*

*..*

*.*

ALL: CONTACT!

NACHO: "Blastoff" would have been more universal...

*Once, there was a samurai girl named Motoko...*

NACHO: And her trusty companion, sake.

MOTOKO: (Appears, wearing a sexy-looking Chinese dress.) Oh no!

JUNK: <Motoko> A kimono would suit me SO much better!

Send comments to Davner. ^_^ \/
Doscher009@hotmail.com

NACHO: To: Doscher009@hotmail.com - You've got something on the side of
your face.

ACE: It bounced.

NACHO: Thus proving why you shouldn't include an E-mail address in a
story unless you plan to continue using it forever.

SHEILA: Or you could just revise the story in every place it appears.

NACHO: Rather than going through all that work... shall we just call it
a day?

ACE: Got my vote.

<END FANFIC>

NACHO: Well, all in all, I thought that was pretty good. It had some
humor, and the script format really was the best presentation for the
rather ludicrous method of including an author in the story.

ACE: But self-insertion just ruined it. You can't be in the story and
writing it at the same time! You'd have to write every action, including
writing! That's an endless loop!

NIDO: Oh, I don't know... it can be managed.

NACHO: You AGAIN? How many times are you going to write yourself into
this?

NIDO: Seemed appropriate, really.

ACE: So, what were your thoughts on the story?

NIDO: Too much Keitaro-bashing, way too much fanservice, and entirely
too much Mutsumi naivete.

ACE: So, typical Love Hina all the way?

NIDO: Yep. Gets my approval in that respect.

SHEILA: I thought it could have stood to be funnier, myself. Some of the
jokes, particularly the ones that were repeated, fell a little flat.

NACHO: Well, I admit that the running gags were particularly weak.

ACE: The only running was Mutsumi in a wedding dress, and the gag ended
up in Naru's mouth.

JUNK: (drools vacantly)

NACHO: I think he approves of the story too.

JUNK: (grabs a notepad and begins to write)

ACE: I didn't know you were literate. What are you writing?

SHEILA: (glances over Junk's shoulder) No, you're NOT! (grabs the
notebook and tears it up)

JUNK: Aw... what was wrong with it?

SHEILA: I don't bend that way! And a tentacle that big wouldn't work at
all!

ACE: Not to mention it was just exploitation, right?

SHEILA: Actually, it had a surprising amount of emotional depth. I
wouldn't have minded except for that scene with the Noh mask and the
castanets.

NACHO: Well, let's end this thing before he gets any more ideas. Nido?

NIDO: What? Can't you end it like you usually do?

ACE: You've got to add your address, remember?

NIDO: Oh, right. Send comments to Nidoking042@hotmail.com, unless I
change addresses before you read this, in which case, you should be able
to find my new address somewhere on my webpage at
http://nidoking.anifics.com

SHEILA: And if you move that?

NIDO: ... THE END.

REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING

MUTSUMI WRITES A LEMON is by DAVNER (Doscher009@earthlink.net)

-

NARU: BAKA! (She belts Kei and sends him flying.) I am NOT mean!!!!


-----------------------------------------------

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

My not-so-humble webpage of fanfiction and other random junk has MOVED:
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