DB Sommer wrote:
hkmiller wrote:
- - - - - - - - - -
Otsuge Gin rose from her futon quietly and without fuss, preparing
for her first day of high school. Her half-sister, whom she'd
never met, would be at the same high school, she knew, and in the
same home-room. They might meet face-to-face today. Her mouth
muscles struggled with the unaccustomed task of attempting a
brief, slight smile of anticipation.
Agree with Ammadeau this opening paragraph doesn't really grab me.
See below; I'll swap the order
Gin combed her short hair and carefully put on her school uniform
(purchased used from the school last week), unadorned with any
non-regulation additions. As she left the bedroom she shared
with her mother, she spared not a glance for the mirror in which
her short, thin, pale form was reflected.
Ah, the Rei-Ruri-Key type. :)
Yep. :)
- - - - - - - - - -
Bushido Midori wiped the sweat from her face with a towel
following her morning workout. An even dozen hired sparring
partners lay unconscious at her feet, as did their shattered
or scattered weaponry: bokkens, nunchakus, sai, shuriken. Her
parents, over by the dojo wall, checked their stopwatch, then
looked up. As usual, her mother put on her "good parent" face.
"Midori, dear, you beat your best time by two tenths of a second.
Congratulations! I'm so happy with your progress, especially now
that you're beginning high school."
might want to add a little conflict by having her in the process of
finishing off her last opponent.
Good idea. Will do.
Her father frowned his "bad parent" frown.
overuse of frown. 'gave' or something similar for the first?
Yes, I need to change that.
"...which won't have any members Midori couldn't beat blind-folded
while tied down to a chair. No! Her training needs to continue!"
"Maybe if she makes some friends likely to get her into scrapes?"
Heh.
"Hmmm... a sukeban gang? A little time spent street-fighting
right after school might be good for her, at that." Her father
judiciously rubbed his jaw. "Force her out of predictable
patterns, never knowing what weapons her adversaries might have.
Maybe face some new weapons."
"And if she comes home after dark, she might have the opportunity
to encounter a mugger or rapist," her mother added in an
encouraging tone.
I'd lead off with this one. There's actually a little flavor and humor here.
Good suggestion; will do.
Hisa sighed and duly spread her hand out, palm up, for her
mother's inspection. Her mother poked and prodded at her fingers
and palm, looking for any signs of a burn, as she continued
talking. "Hisa, you HAVE to be careful. Without a normal
person's sense of pain, you can seriously hurt yourself without
noticing. You've been very lucky so far, but you have to stay
aware of your surroundings and what you're doing."
Hmm. Doesn't sound like much of an ablility on the surface.
Hisa's is implicit there in the text, but it's not what her mother
thinks it is.
"Now you be sure to tell your new friends all about your handicap,
Hisa, first thing if possible. They'll need to look out for you
at school."
and treat you like a freak. :)
Heh. Yes, like any teenage girl is going to heed THAT advice.
"Sure, Mom!" Akiko replied quickly, thinking inwardly that her
parents had sure better never find out about the karate she was
studying now. Champions of justice needed to know this stuff,
she was quite sure, but her parents never seemed to see things the
same way she did.
Only because you're more stupid than they are, dear. :)
Now, now, Akiko's obsessed, not necessarily stupid. Okay, maybe she has
problems
deciphering reality too, but...
It'll serve well enough for the intro, but I'd recommend having something
happen soon.
Well, chapter one opens with Akiko coming across an extortion attempt at
school.
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