JLee100441@aol.com wrote:
Story status:
Neko Can't: The next part is about half way done.
Alternate Future: Finished the outline for the next part just have to
get started on it.
Secret Lies: Like AF, I got the outline just need to start on it.
Redstring of Fate: Part two is halfway done.
How handy!
Mrs. Brisby and The Mystery Rat
By: James Lee
Disclaimer: Nether The Secret of Nimh or any other characters that will
appear in this fanfic belong to me. No profit is being made of it.
Part 2
Brisby woke up to a clanking sound coming from a distance. Getting out of
bed, she walked up the stairs to go outside. Once outside, the mouse made her
way up the large stone in the garden. She stopped when she saw Sandy standing
on the top.
For formatting, I like extra spaces between each paragraph. This is not required, hardly, as it's only my opinion, but my ailing old-man eyes can pick out the letters more easily that way. ;)
"High time you woke up." Said Sandy, not even slowing down.
up." Said -- up," said
"About an two hours. I started with basic fitness exercises: push-ups,
pull-ups, and jumps. Then I moved on to the hand to hand and weapons. I was
hoping it would help me remember.
Do those exercises work in mouse-shape? I suppose they must.
Sandy stopped and shook her head. "Only a little. Mostly all I got was
more drills to practice. I do remember doing this with two others, but all I can
remember about them is that one was a wuss and the other had the brains of a
carrot.
A clue!
"The farmers trying to start his tractor."
farmers -- farmer's (it's a contraction, not a pluralization)
"What did I tell you, Moving day." Brisby turned to see the old shrew
making her way up the stone.
Moving day -- Moving Day -or- moving day.
"It can't be."
"It most certainly is," Said the Shrew shaking her walking stick at the
mouse. "I don't suppose you packed."
is," Said -- is," said
Authors argue on this point: some say that it's fine to use the word 'said' repeatedly. Some prefer more variation. I'll let you decide for yourself, as there's nothing wrong with either one. But if you want to go for variation, here's a good spot to do so. ;)
"Child that tractor most certainly will. You have to get your family out
before it's too late."
"Child that -- "Child, that (commage)
Is this directly from the movie?
"Ahh! Moving day!" Yelled the shrew as she jumped of the rock and ran
through the garden. As she ran the old shrew yelled out, "Run! The plow comes.
Run for your lives!"
Moving day -- Moving Day (or if you chose lower-case, leave it as is.)
"Brisby, where's Timothy?" Asked the shrew surprised. Surely Mrs. Brisby
wouldn't leave the boy to be crushed.
Timothy?" Asked -- Timothy," asked
Though, honestly, I would rearange the words there. A lot of your sentences follow the same structure. You could, instead, word it thusly:
"Brisby, where's Timothy?" the shrew asked, surprised.
Or something else entirely -- I'm sure you can come up with something better than my suggestion.
"Momma, what about Timmy?" asked Cynthia. Brisby handed the small mouse
to the shrew.
This line begs some additional action, since it's the same question. It could use something to offset or otherwise enhance the point of the scene.
We already know what question was asked, and why. Why not drive the point home.
A line where everyone looks at Mrs. Brisby in confusion, while she's busy bundling up the children. Maybe Cynthia could tug on her shawl to try and get her attention. Something.
As it is, it scans a bit blandly, and sits right after the same question was just asked.
Of course, as always, my comments and suggestions are just that; suggestions. Feel free to ignore me when I'm overbearing or offering useless criticisms. Which is, one would suppose, always. ;)
"Stay with Aunty Shrew. I've got to stop that thing!"
Most of us who have seen the movie or read the book (or both!) will already be familiar with this scene, but it doesn't hurt to build on it a little more. The lines are being delivered quickly and dryly.
They really could use something to spice them up a bit -- more action, or descriptors. If not, go the other route -- we can probably assume anyone reading your story already knows this part. We could instead, look at it through the new character's eyes, which lets you omit and otherwise simplify it a lot. You can allude to the events, and focus more on the new character's perception of them, and what Sandy thinks it all means.
"Wait, Brisby stop! You're out of your mind!" The Aunty Shrew yelled as
the mouse ran off towards the tractor. The shrew as was then knocked aside as
Sandy ran passed her.
The Aunty Shrew -- The shrew
The second line starts with pretty much the same exact words even without my suggestion.
Why not change it to: Before she could protest further, she was knocked aside when... or the like?
Again, this is your story, and I'm sure you can come up with better than my suggestions, as you know it better than I. ;)
I just hope you find this commentary helpful.
Brisby ran up behind the plow. Seeing a chain dangling from the rear, the
mouse grabbed on and climbed onto the top of the plow. However the vibrations
of the machine were so great that she quickly fell. Only by grabbing onto a
near by string did Mrs. Brisby avoid falling in front of the blades. Climbing
back on Brisby froze. She wanted to stop the tractor but couldn't will herself
to move.
near by -- nearby
First two sentences end with the same word. You don't have to change this, but here (and in other instances throughout the story) it lends the tone of the story a really dry and clinically detatched air. It's hard for us to feel for or sympathise with the characters.
Maybe you could try spicing it up a bit -- find new words to describe things you mention a lot. Gotta keep your readers on their mental toes. ;)
I used to live next to a farm, I'm reasonably sure I remember the kind of plow you're describing here (and as it shows up in the original NIHM stories). You could refer to it as a trailer, perhaps?
By this time Sandy had climbed onto the tractor. Seeing that her friend
couldn't move, she made way into tractor's engine compartment. Looking around,
Sandy saw the fuel line. Easily yanking to small hose from the motor, she then
used it as a fire hose and sprayed the heated engine with gasoline.
to small -- the small
fire hose -- this doesn't really work. For one, repetition again. For another, it's kind of a cop-out on describing the action.
Why not try it as just 'used it to spray the heated engine with gasoline.'?
"Oh my god!" Yelled farmer Fitzgibbons as flames and smoke burst from his
tractor. As he grabbed the fire extinguisher, the farmer didn't notice the
rat that left the engine compartment.
Yelled -- yelled
Repetition: as
Maybe for the second sentence: Absorbed in grabbing the fire extinguisher, he...
We already know the action is simultaneous to the fire at this point.
"Mrs. B!" yelled Sandy as she climbed onto the plow. She found Mrs.
Brisby curled into a small shivering ball. Grabbing a mouse Sandy leaped into
the grass.
a mouse -- the mouse
"He'll be back tomorrow," sobbed Brisby who was beginning to lose her
self-control. "I wish Jonathon was here..."(Slap!)
"(Slap!)"? This is, also, kind of a cop-out on telling the story. It can be inferred, but really, it would probably serve the story better to describe what happened. Maybe write it from Mrs. Brisby's point of view, where she hears the noise, and it takes her a moment to recognize the pain for what it is. By then, she's coming to her senses, etc.?
"Pull yourself together." Said Sandy, lowering her hand. The shrew who
had joined them, frowned at the rat. She however, had to agree that her neighbor
needed that.
together." Said -- together," said
/shrew who had -- shrew, who had
Exclusive or:
them, frowned -- them frowned/
/And:
She however, had -- However, she had/
"We'll think of something." Said the shrew.
something." Said -- something," said
Brisby looked at the shrew as if she had grown a second head. "Oh, I
couldn't do that. Owls (gulp) eat mice!"
This one's not so bad.
"Show a little courage child. We're fighting for Timmy's life here!"
courage child -- courage, child
"I'll go with you, if you like Mrs. B" said Sandy. Mrs. Brisby looked at
the rat then nodded her head.
Mrs. B" said -- Mr. B." (it's okay, here -- we know it leads into the prose by the uncapitalized 'said'.)
Later that day...
Is this needed? It could be omitted easily.
"Didn't I tell ya you like flying Mrs. Bris." Said Jeremy the crow as he
started climbing in the air.
ya you -- ya you'd
Mrs. Bris." Said -- Mrs. Bris?" asked
"I-I don't know how I let you talk me into this," yelled Brisby as she
nearly fell out for the tenth time. Sure this was the fastest way to get to the
forest, but did he have to fly so high? Not able to look down, the mouse
looked at Sandy, who seemed to be the very image of calm. {I wish I could be that
calm and collected.} thought Brisby.
Fell out of... what?
collected.} thought -- collected,} thought
"When we get to the Great Owl, he'll know just what to do," said Jeremy
as he forgot his passengers and did a spin. Suddenly, the mouse lost her grip
on the string and she started fall. Without a word Sandy grabbed her and put
her back at the strings around the crows nest.
crows -- crow's
"Ah only after dark," replied the crow as he started to descend into a
dark part of the forest. Many of the trees were withered and leafless, which
didn't help the mouse's nerves. Landing on a branch, Jeremy started to look
around.
Ah only -- Ah, only
"That must be the Owl's tree over there." Brisby looked to see a
particularly large and ugly tree sitting by itself. {Of course.} thought the mouse as
she looked at the scary near dead tree with an uninviting hole in it.
course.} thought -- course,} thought
"Umm nothing," said Brisby, as she stared at the rat. She hadn't heard
such language from Sandy before. Sandy then unslung her weapon. The weapon was
the same staff she had been using that morning, but it know had a blade tied to
it. The blade was from a small hobby knife. Jonathon had used for odd jobs,
but Mrs. Brisby hadn't much use for it. So when Sandy asked for it, the mouse
gave it to her. Now it form the point of a make shift pole arm.
know -- now
A mouse with a naganita.
"Hello, anybody here?" Jeremy nervously called, as the three walked up to
the entrance. "Well looks like nobodies home. Let's go."
nobodies -- nobody's
"He's in there all right," said Sandy as she narrowed her eyes. Before
Brisby could ask the rat what she meant, a gust of air came out of the hole.
Both the mouse and the crow where blown back, but Sandy was oddly unaffected. An
eerie voice then came from the entrance.
where -- were
This Sandy seems pretty unflappable.
unaffected -- uneffected
An affectation is a pretense.
Seeing that Brisby was a little apprehensive, Sandy picked her up and
carried the mouse inside. {Hmm, the insides more ugly than out side.}
insides -- inside's
Who's thought is this?
Why does Sandy do everything? The point of the movie was that, ultimately, Mrs. Brisby WAS brave enough, when it came to helping her children.
Either you're changing that, or Sandy is presumptious and being pushy.
"Sandy put me down."
Sandy put -- Sandy, put
"Whatever say Mrs. Brisby," said the rat as placed Mrs. Brisby on the
floor.
"Whatever say Mrs. Brisby -- "Whatever you say, Mrs. Brisby
"Honestly, I can walk on my own you know," said Brisby as she took a few
steps then nearly tripped off an edge. Looking down, the mouse nearly screamed
at the sight of several dozen mice skeletons. Back paddling as fast as she
could Brisby bumped into Sandy, who just looked down and smiled.
Back paddling -- backpedaling
Paddles are for boats. Pedaling should be for bikes, but we're all pedestrians on our feet.
"Relax Mrs. B, the worst thing that'll happen is you'll be torn apart
while eaten alive."
Relax Mrs. B, the -- Relax, Mrs. B., the
-OR-
Relax, Mrs. B. The
"Hey, watch the dirty rat comment. That's rat profiling, and I resent it.
Oh, and keep ahead of me a bit."
Profiling. *snicker*
I like that.
"Why, so I can be the appetizer?"
More description would help here -- Mrs. Brisby is fighting her fear (even if she's brave enough to go on despite her fear, she is afraid of the owl). What's she doing? How's she standing?
I envision, in my mind, that she's standing like she's trying to lecture a child, staring up at Sandy with paws on hips.
But you don't describe anything like that, so....
Moreover, where are they at this point? You haven't really given us much of an idea of where they are aside from being inside of a tree.
/Darkness.
>LOOK
All around you, you see nothing but blackness. You are likely to be eaten by a grue./
"Noooo, it's because some evil son of a bitch is sneaking up on us!"
Sandy yelled the last part out as she twirled around only to see a clawed talon
come down on the giant spider that had been following them. Looking up they saw
two glowing eyes open. The Owl looked as ancient the tree it inhabited. They
could actually see cobwebs hanging of its brown and grey wings. {That ain't
normal.} thought Sandy as the owls head did a 180, its neck cracking as it did
so.
of its -- off its
normal.} -- normal,}
owls head -- owl's head
"Why have you come here."
here." -- here?"
If he's talking without inflection so that his remark might as well be a statement as a question, then you need to fill in the descriptive blanks and let us know.
Sandy jabbed Brisby in the side, to get her to respond. "P-Please I need
you help. The plow has come early this year."
you help -- your help
"You must move you're house to a place of safety."
you're -- your
"Brisby?" said the owl, bringing its glowing eyes within an inch of the
mouse. "Mrs. Jonathon Brisby?"
More description! How does this thing move, how does Sandy react?
Does this owl go all Matrix-bullet-time lightning-fast move to suddenly be in front of Mrs. Brisby, or does he move ponderously, each instant of the motion sending tremors of fear through Mrs. Brisby that he's going to eat her before he finally speaks?
"Y-Yes, he was my husband. How do you about him?" asked Brisby, preying
that the owl didn't say he was delicious.
preying -- praying
"That is unimportant. I will say this; his name is not unknown in these
woods," said the owl. "There is a way. Go to rats."
to rats -- to the rats
"What am I? A hamster?" said Sandy.
said -- asked
"In the thorn bush." Brisby became thoughtful.
I would suggest moving 'Brisby became thoughtful' down to preface "Oh, those rats."
"That's impossible. No rat could ever move my house. It's..."
It's..." -- It's...." An elipse that terminates a sentence should contain four periods instead of three.
"He said he have to go to the rats," said Sandy as she watched the owl
silently take off.
he -- we
To be continued.
Still curious to see where this goes.
It's an interesting story, and with a little work, you could make this a real journey back to the original NIHM for us. Good luck!