Oh, Kyoto now!
- That was an interesting piece of prose, I liked it. Good opening.
"We repeat - At 12:30 today, special state of emergency is being
declared."
- "a special state"
The young man in the station was little more than a boy. Stood by one of
the
- I think you mean "Standing by one of the" or "He stood by one of the"
description. "Sheesh. I guess I'll know her _chest_ when I see it. Dunno
'bout
the rest of her."
- This isn't Shinji, is it? I was assuming that this was a rewrite,
but...hmm. Well, Shinji might think that. Either way, guess I'll have to
wait and see who it is. ^-^
Shrug. Tucking the photo back into the envelope, he stuffed both
haphazardly
- "He shrugged." or "he thought, shrugging."
back into his shirt pocket. Shading his eyes with one hand, he reached for
the
satchel, adjusting the backpack straps. "Nothing for it. nichevo as they
say in
the Motherland. Guess I'm walkin' the rest of the way."
- Motherland? nichevo? Not Shinji, then.
He broke into a jog way from whatever it was that the missile had been
- "away from whatever"
targeting. At the next intersection, he looked right to see the target
over the
next hill. "Holy Shit!"
- "Holy shit!"
'Huh? That wasn't right, was it?' He rolled over to see a slightly
familiar
blue car parked between him and the blast. The driver's door kaChunked
open to
reveal Misato in a short dress and designer shades. "Sorry to keep you
waiting,
Shinji!" she yelled. "C'mon - get in!"
- Oh...it IS Shinji...hmm. Sorry, but he seems rather out of character. To
me, anyway. It doesn't hurt the story that much so far, though.
"Russian, sorry. Means 'things happen', well, sorta." Shinji gave a fair
approximation of a gallic shrug. Looking back over his shoulders he saw
the
giant shrug off a volley of missiles.
- Oh, so this is an alternate universe fanfic. I get it. You probably should
have marked it as such before the fanfic, but now that I know, it's okay.
Behind the speeding car, EVA-01 realised too late that the Shito had
recovered.
One swing later, the purple defender of humanity got piledriven into -
through
- Suggestion: get rid of either into, or through.
Misato's car was sent skidding along the freeway by the blast, finally
flipping
over and landing on its roof beyond the main area of devestation. Misato
and
Shinji rode it out, the NERV officer catching hold of Shinji and doing her
level best to shield him from harm.
- Doing her level best? I'm not sure I understand.
Inside NERV's control centre, there was laughter from the Generals as they
regarded the work. Sat behind Gendo Ikari and his staff they gloated
freely.
- "They sat behind"
"Did you see that!?" one demanded. "_That's_ the power of our N2 Mines! Do
you
_know_ what this means!? The _EVAs_ are no longer _necessary_!"
NERV's leaders didn't bother to rebutt their claims.
- I think you mean "refute their claims", but I've never seen the word
rebutt, so I'm not sure. ^-^
Suddenly they were out of the passages the conveyer had run through and
the
rails ahead seem suspended upon nothing. Shnji's eyes widened as they shot
between an inverted city cling to the roof of a cave so vast that Shinji
couldn't even begin to estimate its dimensions. Ahead could see the rail
- That sentence is a little bit confusing. You have the word between, in
there, but he's only looking at one thing in this sentence; the inverted
city that's clinging to the roof of the cave.
"Oh never mind," he muttered as he saw an of the elevator closing on their
floor. He paused by the door. Either this would be Ritsuko Akagi, here to
find
- "as he saw the door of the elevator (etc)" or even just "as he saw the
elevator (etc)"
Misato. "Where are you going? You're late Captain Katsuragi!"
- "You're late, Captain Katsuragi!"
- I'm infamous for forgetting commas before peoples names in this situation,
so it feels weird to correct someone else on it ^-^
Ritsuko gathered her composure. "So you're one of the Third Children?"
- One of the third children? I thought there was only one third child. Rei
is the first children because there are clones of her. There is only one of
Asuka and Shinji, so they are the second child and third child,
respectively. Unless this is something you've changed? I can see Gendo
deciding that it's in his best interest to clone his own son.
"Commander!" cama a warning. "The Shito is advancing! It's broken through
the
- "came a warning"
mine final perimeter."
- Maybe "final mine perimeter"
Misato's head followed the scientists gaze, then snapped forwards. "What
the
hell is the Commander _thinking_!?" She calmed herself, ranting at Ritsuko
- I'd put a semi-colon there, rather then a comma, but that's just a
suggestion. "She calmed herself; ranting at Risuko (etc)"
Shinji looked at the robot and then the scientist. 'Right. Whatever.' "I
take
it this has something to do with how why father sent for me?"
- You don't need "how".
all clear!" There were three voices - two male, one female. As expected
then.
- "As expected then." ? Shinji expected this combination of voices?
The drama of the moment was somewhat spoilt by Shinji's tart rejoinder.
"Babe,
I'm trussed up like a chicken. What do you want me to do, dance the funky
chicken?"
- >_> No offence, but...I really don't like this wisecracking Shinji with a
backbone. It's just...not...Shinji. Now I'm sure that's the point,
but...it's not working, for me. If it works for you, though, that's fine.
to emerge from it. The giant stood there, supported by twin beams reach
from
the ground to it's shoulders.
- "twin beams reaching" or "twin beams that reached"
In the control room, Ritsuko looked on as Shinji slowly shuffled the EVA
forwards, bringing the arms into play helping balancing as his confidence
grew.
- "forward"
"Any ideas on how I'm supposed to do this?" Shinji asked, his voice not
showing
the fact that he was feeling as if someone had tied his guts into knots
and
thrown him into ice-water. It was a nervous reaction, caused by stress,
and he
knew that if the LCL weren't there his nose would be picking up the faint
tang
of fear and anxiety from the cold sweat he'd be covered with. He might
have
started mumbling the Bene Gesserit mantra against fear, if he weren't
- Ah, so he's read Dune. At least this Shinji has good taste in books...and
it's litany against fear, IIRC. Anyway...
with something _useful_ as default weapons, like... oh... tacnuke-loaded
howitzers for example.
- With...what? ^-^ Sounds interesting, anyway.
Exactly what he had wanted to avoid, because he damn well knew that if
this
happened then that was _it_. Over. Schluss. Finito. No more continues my
friend. _His_ mother was safe, at home or at work, not bothered by things
beyond taking care of his sister or getting annoyed by her husband... this
was
- Umm...his mother? But...his mother is dead. He wouldn't be able to
synchronize properly with the EVA if it wasn't for the part of her soul, or
blood, or something to that effect that was in the EVA. Unless this is a
foster mother?
- Done. Overall...you have good writing skills (though I'm confused, someone
else wrote this first, then you went over it and rewrote it with their
permission?), and you have good descriptions. There are parts that I liked,
but for the most part...as I mentioned, I really don't like this version of
Shinji. He comes off as every other self-insertion character, and from
reading your writing, I think you can do better.
- Again, though, if this is how you want Shinji to be, all the power to you.
He just seems really...clich�. A wisecracking teen who amazingly does not
seem to have any faults, so far. I just can't relate to him.
- Denise
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