DB Sommer wrote:
Brian Randall wrote:
"You're probably all wondering why I've gathered you here right now,"
Keitaro said quietly, surveying his audience.
Motoko: Is it for an orgy?
Keitaro: No.
Motoko: Too bad.
Keitaro: Er, I mean yes.
Motoko: Good. Now I have an excuse to beat you.
"Recently, I've gone over the numbers again, and, unfortunately, the
retrofit for the inn hit us a lot harder than I initially thought." He
raised his head, putting on a firm, confident expression. "But, I'm sure
we can get through this, somehow. All we need to do is to remember to
stick together."
What, there isn't enough money for the electricity or something?
Something like that. I left it vague.
Tama: You can convert the Inn into a bordello and rent out the girls as
hookers.
Keitaro: That would be immoral.
Tama: But 'Pimp Daddy' Urashima has a nice ring to it.
Keitaro: Good point. Prostitution it is.
M.C. Urashima in da house? I think not.
"Let me guess, short on money to run the inn after the repair work?"
Haruka: Have you considered drug running.
Keitaro: I was thinking more along the lines of running a bordello.
Haruka: That would work.
It DID become a recurring theme. Evil Twin, see what you have wrought?
"They're fun!" Mitsune assured him, smiling happily. "Hopefully it'll
be even half as fun as the last one!"
sounds awkward. 'be at least half as fun' perhaps?
Good call.
"I don't know," he admitted, shrugging his shoulders uncomfortably.
"Haruka-san said she would choose it."
think dropping the 'it' would be better. Sounds more natural.
Alrighty.
"Another retainer," Mitsune answered. "And I'm Usui Sadamitsu, the last
of the four."
Hmm. Got those uniform roles out of the way quick.
Throw in some retainers -- BAM! -- Let's kick it up a notch!
Now to assign the important roles.
"I took some liberties," Haruka dismissed. "It's a play for kids, after
all."
Heh. I wonder what other liberties she might have taken .
Chapter 10, Mr. Sommer. Chapter 10.
"Do we get to see the script?" Naru asked curiously.
Haruka: No, I think you'd just worry if you saw what was going to happen.
HAH!
"Didn't need it last time," Haruka said cheerfully.
Really? I wonder what play she was watching. :)
The one that apparently amused the Yakuza into running the beach-house
for her.
"Well, if that's taken care of, we should probably get back to getting
ready
'to studying for the test' perhaps?
Good call.
Mitsune flipped through her script idly, but found her role fairly
small, outside of a few fight scenes. Well, she'd had some training with
martial arts, thanks to Ranma. It couldn't be that hard.
Famous last words.
Heh.
And if that wasn't a concern, well, then she could pay attention to
other things.
Like Mutsumi.
So, Kitsune is finally going to make her play for Mutsumi. I don't blame
her. She's a hottie. :)
Boo-yah!
But, no. Alas, the Mitsune/Mutsumi lemon I was asked to write will not
come to pass.
�_�
In this story.
Ranma seemed to always have one eye on her. She was clumsy, but
whenever she slipped, he would catch her. Was it just because he was
trying to help someone avoid being hurt, or was it something about
Mutsumi specifically? And how to find out if there was anything going on
there? She lit upon an idea quickly enough.
Sleep with him, and if in the throes of passion he called out Mutsumi's
name, Mitsune would know the truth. And kill Ranma.
Is sex always the answer for--
No, don't answer that question. ;)
"Say, Shinobu, you don't think that Mutsumi is more competition for
you, do you?" she asked.
Shinobu: Not really. I don't think she wants to be the narrator.
Mitsune: It must be nice to be so innocent.
HAH!
Mitsune nodded knowingly. "Well... you know, you could check the
situation out, if you wanted."
Shinobu: Or I could just murder them in their sleep. That would answer any
questions.
Mitsune: Actually, since dead men tell no tales, it'd just leave them
unanswerable forever.
Shinobu: Suu's working on that part.
"It's not like you to give up," Mitsune protested. "And if you don't
investigate, you'll never find out, will you? What have you got to lose,
anyway?"
Shinobu: My dream. My pride. My dignity.
Mitsune: I mean, besides that.
HAHAH!
Nodding to reassure herself, Shinobu balanced the tray carefully on one
hand, and slid the door open. "Hello," she greeted the study group
timidly. "I thought you might like something to eat while you studied."
Mutsumi: Why yes, I am more interested in Ranma than Keitaro.
Shinobu: How did you know I was thinking that?
Mutsumi: I would have done the same thing in your position. I'm a woman, and
my mind works in naturally suspicious ways. It's only men who I don't
understand.
Keitaro: Funny, you know exactly what I'm thinking.
Mutsumi: Define 'funny', Keitaro-chan.
The table was large enough to fit four comfortably, and one or two more
without too much trouble. She sat down next to Naru, on the side closer
to Keitaro, and set the tray on the table between them.
Now if Shinobu was Chiyo from Azumanga, this is where she would glance at
the tests, and fill them out in record time and get a perfect score. And
then they would kill her, if not for her ultra-kawainess defence.
More people that know of Azumanga....
"Would you like a cookie, Ranma-kun?" Mutsumi asked, turning her
attention to the man.
I think you can throw her a bit better with this scene and humor. Something
like
"Ten," Ranma stated, nodding at the book in his hands.
"You want ten?" Shinobu asked.
"No, wait. Thirty," Ranma corrected.
"But I only made two dozen," Shinobu said, looking sadly at the tray of
cookies.
"Hmm. Maybe 7 and 8/13ths."
"I don't think I can break one that precisely. I'm sorry," Shinobu
apologized.
Naru finally broke in, grabbing the book Ranma was looking at away from him.
Seeing she had finally torn his attention away from the problem, she asked,
"How many of Shinobu's cookies would you like?"
Ranma looked at the girl, as though seeing her for the first time. "Oh, give
me two."
Hmmm. I am already over my ideal chapter length, and it's a two parter....
But yeah, that's not an opportunity to pass up.
---
"Would you like a cookie, Ranma-kun?" Mutsumi asked, turning her
attention to the man.
"Four," he stated, nodding.
Shinobu frowned, looking at the pile, but nodded, agreeing, "Four, Oe-san."
"That's... um, thirteen and one sixteenth," he clarified, furrowing his
brow at his book.
Naru glanced between Ranma and Shinobu for a moment, while Shinobu
considered the prospect of breaking a cookie into sixteen equal pieces.
"Um, Oe-san?" she asked.
"Well, the best I'm coming up with is really fifteen, but that's the
choice that's closest," he explained, pressing the book flat against the
table and closing his eyes, one hand rising from the book to scratch
behind an ear thoughtfully. He turned to Mutsumi and opened his eyes.
"What do you think?"
"I think you may be right," she agreed, smiling.
Naru sighed from her spot, and snatched the book from in front of
Ranma, while Shinobu stared at the plate, wondering how quickly she
could bake another batch. "Cookies, Oe. Do you want one?" Naru asked
sliding the book out of Ranma's reach.
Ranma stared at her blankly for a long moment. "Uh, yeah, sure, I'll
take one," he finally said, recovering his bearings. Mutsumi passed him
a cookie, while Naru returned the study guide. "Sorry, kind of spaced
out there. But I think it's answer number four."
"That's right, Oe-san," Keitaro noted, taking a cookie from the tray as
Mutsumi reached for it at the same time. Their hands brushed together,
and both blinked in surprise. "Er... I'm sorry," Keitaro apologized,
blushing slightly.
"That's fine," Mutsumi assured him, smiling brightly, then taking a
cookie from the tray to pass to Ranma.
Ranma scooted away from the table and stretched his legs out a bit,
munching on the baked treat. "Hey," he said after chewing a mouthful.
"These are great, Shinobu-chan."
She beamed a smile at him, pleased, but more concerned about Keitaro's
opinion. "They're awesome," the manager seconded.
Mutsumi nodded, and added, "Shinobu-chan, you'll make someone a
wonderful wife."
Shinobu felt herself grow dizzy as her face reddened in embarrassment,
and she bowed her head. "Ah..." she managed.
"Oh, do you have a crush, Shinobu-chan?"
---
Reviso-matic!
"That's right, Oe-san," Keitaro noted, taking a cookie from the tray as
Mutsumi reached for it at the same time. Their hands brushed together,
and both blinked in surprise. "Er... I'm sorry," Keitaro apologized,
blushing slightly.
"That's fine," Mutsumi assured him, smiling brightly,
Mutsumi: Just see to it it doesn't happen again, or you'll be pulling back a
bloody stump.
Heh!
Ranma's eyes flickered for a moment, but he didn't otherwise react
immediately. Without even looking up, he shook his head. "No one at the
moment," he mumbled, flipping the page in his study guide.
Mutsumi seemed to wait for Ranma to say something for a moment,
just used 'moment' earlier. I'd switch this to 'say something further'
I don't normally do this, but I fixed a couple of other things in the
same scene, so:
---
It was all she could do not to fall over. "Ah! I don't have anyone,
no--" She cut herself off, and shook her head. "No one," she said after
a moment.
"Oh?" Mutsumi frowned, then turned to Ranma. "What about you, Ranma-kun?"
Ranma's eyes flickered briefly, but he didn't otherwise react
immediately. Without even looking up, he slid back to his place at the
table, and reopened the study guide Naru had taken away from him. "No
one at the moment," he mumbled, flipping through the pages.
Mutsumi waited for Ranma to say something more, but he was absorbed in
his studying. Shinobu shook her head, and turned the thread of the
conversation back to the subject of brides; it was bad form to receive a
compliment without returning it. "Well, you would probably make someone
a beautiful wife too, Otohime-san," Shinobu said cautiously, offering
Mutsumi what the younger girl hoped was a brave smile.
---
"Really? But this place is filled with pretty girls," Mutsumi said.
"Naru would make a lovely bride, as well."
It was Naru's turn to blush, while Keitaro glanced between the three
girls present, scratching his head. "Filled with pretty girls?" he
asked, turning a speculative glance at Ranma.
Not quite sure why he would be doing that.
Well, you see....
All three girls turned their eyes to Ranma. He raised his eyes from his
paperwork and blinked, looking between the others. "Huh?" he managed,
peering between them in confusion.
"I can kind of see it," Naru said after a moment. "Cold water's easier
to come by, after all."
Oh, Okay. Now I get it.
Yes, I see you do!
"I don't think Oe-san is like that!" Shinobu blurted out, turning him a
fearfully questioning glance.
"Not a chance," he said quickly, shaking his head.
Heh. Shows he was paying attention and trying not to get involved in the
conversation.
THIS time, yes.
A loud sneeze echoed from the hallway as Mitsune passed by, heard but
unseen.
Come on, this is Mistune. She should have her ear next to the door. :)
Normally, yes. But this time, she's already placed an agent on the
scene. :)
Keitaro blinked into the silence, glancing between Mutsumi and Ranma,
while the sound of footsteps faded down the hall.
"I think I would make a lovely bride, too, Keitaro insisted, not wanting to
feel left out.
*snicker*
"Well, if you're going to make a move you should probably do it soon,"
Mitsune advised. "Wait too long, and it could be too late."
Mitsune; Besides, I want you to steal Keitaro away from that bitch, Naru,
the way she stole Seta from me.
Haruka: Pardon?
Mitsune: Um... I'm late for work! Gotta go!
"It should." Mitsune looked thoughtful for a moment. "I have an idea.
See, in this scene here...."
Ohh. Evil.
Muwahahaha.
[FORESHADOWING]
The plot thickens.
Keitaro blinked in surprise, and Ranma shoved the leg upwards, flipping
him over to tumble to the lawn. "You need to watch your defense," Ranma
advised. "You don't always have a lot of time to take advantage of your
enemy's weaknesses, and while you're feeling out their defenses, you're
also showing them your own."
Ranma: In other words, your ass is mine, bitch.
Heh.
"What about now?" Keitaro asked, surprised.
"Now it's my turn!" Suu exclaimed, springing to her feet enthusiastically.
Heh. I think Keitaro is dead meat.
Well, Suu was sparring against Ranma, not Keitaro.
THAT comes later. :)
"It almost seems timeless," Keitaro commented, staring upwards. The
trees surrounding the spring were nearly invisible before him. In the
colder air, as winter approached, the spring tossed up masses of
obscuring steam, nearly the entire baths in a mist that was difficult to
see through.
something missing from there, methinks.
Let's see....
---
"It almost seems timeless," Keitaro commented, staring upwards. The
trees surrounding the spring were nearly invisible before him. In the
colder air, as winter approached, the spring tossed up masses of
obscuring steam, leaving the entire baths cloaked in a mist that was
difficult to see through.
---
I used the word 'nearly' twice. Hopefully this scans more cleanly.
"I know what you mean," Ranma murmured, waving a hand. The steam
swirled around the moved hand,
'appendage' or something not involving 'hand' again.
little whorls and eddies dancing about
before more steam obscured the air currents. He frowned thoughtfully,
moving a hand
especially since you use it again ,though if you drop the middle 'hand' this
one is fine.
Let's see....
---
"I know what you mean," Ranma murmured, waving one hand. The steam
swirled behind, following the motion of his arm, little whorls and
eddies dancing about before more steam obscured the air f. He frowned
thoughtfully, moving the hand in a circle, and caused a tiny vortex to
appear. The motion pulled gently at the steam across the surface of the
spring, pooling it and forcing it upward in a funnel.
"Wow," Keitaro breathed, able to make out the flows of steam even
without his glasses. The mists spiraled high enough to clear the roof,
and touch against a cool breeze. The air temperature there caused the
steam to condense, sprinkling cool droplets across the entire bathing
area. "That's nice," Keitaro commented after a moment.
---
"It's an esoteric art," Ranma replied, shrugging. "Some people call
them ki attacks, but that's a bit misleading. You can do things with ki
that you could do with your bare hands, and sometimes you can do more...
but using it to attack is not always as effective as a good punch or kick."
Keitaro frowned. "So why use it?" he asked.
Ranma: Sometimes you need specialized tools for difficult jobs.
Keitaro: Not to compensate for something?
Ranma: You see any weapons on me?
Mutsumi shook her head, her hair in a bun behind her to keep it dry.
"You don't need to worry," she insisted, climbing to her own feet. "I'll
get out with you!"
Oh, that will go over wonderfully.
Completely!
With nothing beneath her but more
water, she stumbled, crashing towards one of the bath's real rocks.
Heh. I wonder if she did that one intentionally. :)
Could be.
I'm not sure myself; sometimes she surprises me when I write her.
In the ensuing confusion, by the time Ranma managed to haul himself
upright and help Mutsumi to her own feet, she managed to tug off his
modesty towel. "Oops!" she exclaimed, blushing brightly.
Mutsumi: Isn't it amazing that I just happened to stay here and then lose my
towel and then accidentily take Ranma's off him.
Ranma: Yep.
Mutsumi: You're not good with saracasm, are you?
Heh.
"Keitaro!" Naru exclaimed. "What in the world are you...."
Keitaro: If I cheerfully admit it's exactly what you think will you not hit
me, since denying it will definitely serve to have me belted?
Naru: *Blinks in confusion*
Keitaro: Aces! Now, time to run....
Sempai," Shinobu whimpered. "What are you doing?"
Mutsumi:" Well, it was my carefully orchestreated plan for the start of a
three way. I suppose the rest of you can join in and we'll make it an orgy,
but I'm not wild about those. Way too few men, and their attention will be
divided. That's never a good thing.
....
Clearing his throat, Ranma shook his head. He had one good chance at
pulling off an escape, since Mutsumi had run off with his towel. "I have
a better explanation," he reasoned, peeking over the top of his stony
hiding place. "Basically, it goes like this. You see -- hiryuu shouten-ha!"
The tenants all stepped back, eyes wide, as Ranma vanished into a
rising vortex of hot water. In the center of the spiral, once it was
separated from the springs, the hot mass cooled quickly, triggering his
curse.
nice
^_^
Ranma's next step found itself planted on a bar of soap, which skidded
across the deck, causing her to trip over Keitaro's prone form. Ranma
was sent careening wildly backwards into Mutsumi, and the pair landed
tangled in the baths again with another thunderous splash.
Shaking his head to clear it, and trying to ignore Mitsune's gloating
chuckle, he protested, "It was an accident! I swear!"
Heh. Cute.
^_^v
"You know, it seemed like things had gone on too long without something
going wrong," Keitaro finally said, prodding at his cheek gently. He
winced as he felt the bandage placed over a swelling bump.
Yep. :)
I see he's not the only one who thought so. ;)
Ranma blinked, surprised, and removed his bandage. "Actually, no," he
said, turning to look at the wrapping in confusion. "No one hit me. It
must have been a reflex."
Hehehe.
Personally, I thought this one was hillarious when I wrote it, and not
very funny at all after the fact.
Keitaro shrugged, leaning back and staring up at the spot on the
ceiling where a hole had once been, connecting his room to Naru's.
"I...." He hesitated. Should he tell Ranma that he already knew about
Naru's confession?
Ah yes. Forgot about that.
Enter: Brian's patent brooding angst.
Note to self: This is a comedy.
The only explanation she could come up with was that... as unfortunate
as the scenario was... Mutsumi was making a move on Keitaro.
Why is she automatically assuming Ranma wasn't Mutsumi's target?
Because this is Naru, and she's a Love Hina cast member. :p
"Oh, no, never that!" Mutsumi replied, shaking her head. "We're
studying together, after all."
I do believe we're not communicating on the same wavelength.
Ah, what are the odds? It's only happened, what, three times so far?
This chapter?
Naru sighed, watching a pair of pachinko balls bounce out of Mitsune's
pocket.
Heh
;)
Another fun character.
"It's been a while, Ranma," he mused, positioning himself to ride low,
and offer less wind resistance, his ponytail flicking behind him in his
wake.
Hm. So Kintaro might be coming back soon.
Indeed.
[FORESHADOWING]
Or, not. Who knows?
The stage had been set up outdoors, as the pit that had once housed
dozens of turtles for Suu's experiment had been expanded and reshaped
into an auditorium,
That's a heck of an enlargement.
Well, the trench's life began thusly:
Created from Happo-dai-karin crater.
Expanded by workers to access plumbing.
Expanded further to be deeper than Motoko is tall and filled with turtles.
Hmm. Maybe I should work the hole's lineage into the story somehow.
Currently it was displaying a red velvet curtain, realistic enough that
Shinobu had gone to touch it, not quite trusting her eyes. Ranma had, at
Haruka's request, cobbled together the leftover scraps of lumber still
lying around, and made simple wooden benches to serve as seats for the
theater's guests. Surprisingly enough, they were slowly filling up, and
Shinobu guessed there were more than forty people waiting for the play
to begin.
Hmm. Still sounds sizeable.
It is!
"Don't worry about it -- if you make a mistake, they'll probably just
assume it's a comedy. Relax, and remember, you're the narrator, so
they'll listen to what you say... but they're going to be watching
everyone on the stage. Okay?" The woman patted her shoulder
comfortingly, and Shinobu managed a brave smile. "Okay.
you end the last sentence with an 'Okay' Best to cut this one or that.
That was actually intentional. Hmm. But it doesn't add much -- easily
fixed.
"Very well," Yamamba sighed. "Raiko, take my Kaidomaru, take him away
>from me... but know this much. While I have never told him before,
Kaidomaru's is a samurai, of the Sakata family."
think you need to drop the 's and the comma
Done.
Haitani tested his arm, grabbing up his spear again. "Alright, Urashima
arranged for us to get beaten up -- time for a taste of his own medicine!"
"Agreed," Shirai returned quietly.
Agree. Keitaro has it easy compard to these poor slobs who have the decency
to admit they like girls. :)
HAH!
The stage faded to darkness again, and the narrator was illuminated
while she explained, "Raiko and his band journeyed far and wide,
searching for evildoers and vanquishing them. Eventually, they were
drawn to the Ryu-Kyu islands by rumors of a rampaging demon."
Shinobu: His name, Inu Yasha.
Heh.
"Where's the fun in that?" Sarah retorted quietly. "You'll have to beat
me the hard way!"
Yessss. Kill the spore.
I sense... you think Sarah needs a larger role in the fic.
Not a problem! Chapter 13: Where Keitaro and Ranma Duel for the right
to be Sarah's 'Bestest Friend'. Dedicated to Mr. Sommer.
I can see it now....
....
....
Or not. :)
The two larger demons grinned happily, and began to drool.
Especially since they really were demons, rather than actors. They had
stumbled on the play, and were looking for some humans to feast upon.
Motoko: Oh, good. I was afraid this would be boring.
"Shirai... I say we stay down for the count. These girls are too
dangerous."
"Agreed."
As do I.
Hehe!
Still in peasant costume, Naru shook her head. "We're holding in
there," she finally managed. "I think the last play went better than this."
So far, but there is another part to the story. That will probably be where
disaster will strike.
Could be. You never know!
"Okonomiyaki!" Seta announced, bearing one in his hand, and smiling
genially. "A friend of yours, I think, Oe-kun."
Heh.Oh, that will probably be fun. I already can't wait for the next
chapter. Not familiar with the story the play is based upon, so it's new to
me. Seemed to flow pretty well. Obviously it was structured around the
legend it was based upon. Enjoyed the bath scene, as you could tell from my
comments. It was my favorite part. Very nice addition to the story, which is
moving up the list of my all time favorites. Excellent work. Thanks for
sharing.
Whee!
Thank you very much for the helpful comments and corrections, and
taking the time to make them!
And thank you everyone on the list who hasn't stabbed me for replying
to all these posts at once. >_<
DB Sommer