Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Wed, 13 Aug 2003 23:13:17 -0500 Aaron E Nowack <anowack@juno.com>
wrote:
With that, the Senshi raced out of the shrine. The youma was a
large one, but not so large as Sithar {was : had been}. It had the appearance of a
woman-tiger, and it turned to the Senshi with a feral grin.
Rei smiled and nodded. She had gone jogging to distract herself
from endlessly turning the issue of Ares over in her head, and it looked
like she had found the perfect distraction.
Yeah, right.
"I've looked at your transcript, and I'm {somewhat :} impressed,"
said Professor Tomoe. "that's a pretty heavy course load, and you're
doing rather well. Are you sure you'll be able to handle working with
me on top of that?"
Haruka shut the door as Tamori and Mamoru left. {Looked : It looked} like
she'd have to be more careful about discussing Senshi business around
the house once he started coming regularly. Oh, well. It was the
professor's house, after all. He could pick who got to live there.
She was shocked when Sailor Pluto appeared out of thin air in
front of her. Pluto, apparently more calm {then : than} when Haruka had last saw
her, spoke. "Transform quickly. There's a youma attack at the Hikawa
Shrine, and the Inners aren't in a position to get there in time.
Neptune's already on her way."
Being newly formed and barely sentient, the youma did not pay
particularly close attention to their surroundings. {Thu, : Thus} they were
caught entirely unprepared when the Senshi arrived.
A few meters away, Ikawa shakily stood up and left the area. He
hadn't wanted to try a teleport without more experience in this body,
particularly combined with a detransformation, but he hadn't had a
choice. Now, he should probably go find Rei. This little 'date' hadn't
gone to well, but she had been kind of fun to be with. He wouldn't mind
'dating' with her again. Nothing serious, of course.
She certainly is a hot date. Especially for him.
2) The most major rewrite in this chapter is how the fight between Ares
and Sailor Mars starts, and then Ares's subsequent conversation with
Sailor Moon. I'm trying to make the Champions a little less
bloodthirsty and a bit more hesitant in these early chapters. The other
change is to support what was basically a retcon in the later chapters
of the original - that the Champions didn't know that the Senshi had no
memories of the Silver Millennium at first.
You'll still have to support why they don't even consider the
possibility. A lot of the current conflict would be avoided if they
just spend a little time talking with one of the Senshi.