And more:

January 3

Hinata City, Japan



Kitsune drew in a deep breath of night air as she
walked through the streets of Hinata City. An
unexpected warm front had blown through Kanagawa
prefecture two days after Christmas causing

think a comma goes there

 much of

the snow that had decorated the town then to melt.

can drop the 'then' I believe

 The

warming trend had continued until now

can drop the 'now' too

all that was

left of the snow was a lot of dirty slush and a
general feeling of moisture in the air.

A light jacket was all that was needed to keep the
foxgirl warm as she walked. I hope the weather stays
like this, thought Kitsune as she turned a corner. I
never was a huge fan of winter.

The thinking is coming across as conversation thanks go the 'I's. I'd keep
it more in the third person, or offset direct thoughts somehow. Italics or
the like.

But Highpoints had one other thing going for it; the
d�cor. Almost every square inch of the bar's walls was
covered in movie posters. The posters covered all of
film from around the world and the last eighty or so
years of movie making.

And Kitsune's a movie buff?

The posters and the films they promoted were often the
topic of lengthy discussions among the bar's patrons.
Which

combine those sentences

At the foxgirl's entrance a

entrance, several (and drop the 'a')

several people waved.

Kitsune had quickly become known as a regular not long
after Highpoints' opening. The staff had all learned
her preferences long ago and treated her with an extra
bit of respect due to her being considered a valued
customer.

She just had her checks depostied directly into her account there.

The woman in question was named Aoi Minase. She too
had been one of Highpoints' first regulars. As people
in bars are want

wont (I think)

Of course, there were also notable differences between
the two women. The biggest was that Aoi was three
years older than Kitsune. Aoi was very fond of beer
and playing pachinko while Kitsune preferred sake and
horse racing. Lastly was the fact that Aoi had worked
steadily as a waitress at a restaurant called the Pia
Carrot 2 for the last several years.

Not familiar with that beyond the name. I don't care for that hentai stuff.

^_^

"So how was your New Year's Day?"

"I wish I could remember," said the foxgirl

Oh, I'm sure someone will jog her memory, eventually.

 as she

gave the bartender a look that said, "Bring me the
usual." He nodded in response.

"Wow, you must have really partied hearty," grinned
Aoi as she sipped her beer. "I got pretty hammered
myself but I remember a

stray 'a'

what I did. Well, most of it.

The fun stuff anyway."

"I went the

went to the

 Hinata Shrine anniversary celebration.

They had a free sake table there and.Well, let's just
say I had my fill and then some."

"A free sake table and I missed it? Damn," grumbled
Aoi. "I was going to go to the shrine thing with my
friend Ryoko.But

friend, Ryoko, but

 But she somehow got her hands on two

tickets to a special New Year's Day concert by
Firebomber

Cute.

Aoi made an amused sound and gave her glass a little
shake. "When you can't remember what you did the night
before, that's when you know you had a good time."

HA! She should know better than that. People frequently block out bad things
as well.

"Uh.well," began Kitsune. If Aoi had asked this
question a few days before the foxgirl would have said
that Keitaro was just a friend, albeit one who was
easy to manipulate for fun and profit. But after
having shared the secret of her family situation with
him Kitsune

him, Kitsune

Shoot. Don't remember the situation now.

Kitsune's hand instinctively flew to her face. Her
skin felt slightly warmer than normal. Or did it?

"Dammit, Aoi, that wasn't funny!" snapped the foxgirl.

"Really? Then how come I'm laughing?

Can't argue with that.

" snickered Aoi

through a fit of giggles.

Now Kitsune really was blushing. Aoi's going to tease
me about this for weeks. I better set her straight on
how things are between Keitaro and me. Otherwise I'll
never hear the end of this!

same problem with the 'I' here.

"Look, Aoi, Keitaro's a nice guy and I do consider him
a friend," said Kitsune firmly. "But he's just a
friend. I've told you how he's got it bad for Naru.
Though she's

she'd

"You were like me, right?" asked Aoi. "You never told
Seta how you felt about him the same way I never told
Yusuke?"

Kitsune shook her head. "No, I never did tell him.
After all this time I still regret that. I'm sure that
if I had Seta would have let me down as gently as he
could. He wasn't the type to go after schoolgirls,
after all. I guess I'd have gotten a broken heart
either way. What hurts the most is the regret of not
telling him how I felt."

Hmm. She's glossing over the fact Naru had a thing for him too.

"You know, the sad part of that promise is that it's a
lot easier said than done,"

It always is.

lamented Aoi as she took a

drink. "Decent guys are in real short supply these
days. Especially around here. God, I swear, there are
days when I think that there are nothing but perverts
in this town."

You're from a hentai series. Just be grateful you're not from LA Blue Girl
or Bible Black. ^_^

"They all do sound a bit alike," concurred Aoi. "Heck,
you should see the poor sap that delivers the
restaurant's vegetables. Miki's chewed him out for
being late while waving a kitchen knife around so many
times that the poor sap

'poor sap' seems a bit redundent since you just used it. Might want to drop
the 'poor' the second time around.

is scared to death of her.

You'd think he'd just learn to be on time but.Well,
that's just how he is.

"Anyway, that temper of Miki's is why whenever we have
a problem with perverts we send her out to give them a
little lecture on 'the inappropriateness of such
behavior in a family establishment'.

This seems unneccsary. We can assume it from what Aoi said earlier.

"But this guy.I could that what

something missing there.

"Ah, now the fact that Ryoko's not just your best
friend but the manager of your branch of the Pia
Carrot I do remember!" proclaimed Kitsune happily. She
then grinned in embarrassment. "Uh, sorry, didn't mean
to interrupt. Go on."

Not sure if all this background stuff is worth mentioning, unless the PC
cast show up. Which I wouldn't recommend since this is an LH fic.

Kitsune nodded as she listened. "The accidentally
dropping the silverware routine.

might want to offset that with single quote.

The first time I

worked as a waitress and a guy pulled that on me I
didn't realize what he was doing until it was too
late," lamented the foxgirl. "That was how I learned
the hard way that there actually are some times when
thong panties just aren't a good idea.

heh

"Word must have gotten around to the local perverts
real quick because before I knew it I had guys trying
that on me half a dozen time a day. Even after I
switched to regular panties. I eventually had to quite

quit

that job to get away from those pervs. Which was a
real shame since the pay was good."

Aoi was giggling again. "That's sad, but also kinda
funny. No doubt about it, life's rough for us working
girls. But let me finish up my story.

I'd trim Kitsune's explanation.

"You're sure it's not just a crush?"

Kitsune shook her head emphatically. "No, the way she
looks at Keitaro is the same way I used to look at
Seta.

I don't know if Kitsune would be that confident she was looking at him that
way. Might be better to have her compare it to the way Naru looked at Seta.

"So like I said, she a lucky girl," repeated Aoi. "Her
first love is someone Shinobu both likes and respects,
who cares a lot about her feelings and would never try
and take advantage of her or hurt her. I

In

The blue-haired girl had one last dig to get in on her
friend. "You used to write really angsty poetry when
you were a teenager, didn't you?"

Kitsune blanched and glared at her friend. "Aoi!"

The other girl snickered loudly. "Hey, don't feel bad.
It's something most teenage girls do at least once or
twice. I admit it. I did that a few times.

"Hey, did you save any of them? Can I read them, Ms.
Great Poet Kitsune," begged Aoi in an exaggerated
voice.

can probably combine those two paragraphs

I don't know. This one almost felt like it should have been a scene in a
larger chapter and could have been done more briefly. Most of the PC stuff
should probably be dumped, since it's not going to directly affect the
story. HAving Aoi as the friend is all right, and it helps Kitsune hearing
her own words brought back on her, but I think you padded this a bit too
much. It does accomplish what it is meant to do (make Kitsune think about
Keitaro in a different light) just that you could be more direct about it.

DB Sommer

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