DB Sommer wrote:
Doing a little precon C+C finally.
Yahoo! Finally getting to this.
Again!
This is, in a word, quite frustrating.
Yes, i would to buggy. I always save stuff to disks as well as harddrive
myself.
Yes, yes, well, now I'm backing up my fics regularly on the ECB network.
unreleased stories that I didn't like much anyway, and chances are,
neither would you. I apologize for the absence, and moreso for being
unable to send out all that saved C&C -- not to mention the backlog of
stories by writers who I appreciate that I had WANTED to C&C later.
Yeah, well, now your slate is clean and you can start anew. :)
Well, that is one small point of light....
"So, how exactly does ki move through a body?" Mutsumi asked
curiously, looking between Ranma and Motoko.
Ranma: Sort of through your intestines. It comes out the same place too.
This is not Nadesico.
"And the ki would be the people who lived inside?" Mutsumi asked
thoughtfully.
Motoko: More like the mice and roaches, who stay there longer than the
people and go places they cannot.
And survive better, too! My life-force has the half-life of a twinkie.
"It would cause the strength of your... life-force to decrease,"
Ranma explained slowly, glancing at the manager. "Eventually, your body
would just give up, even if it were otherwise healthy."
'was' I think, since it's in reference to a single body.
Alrighty.
"To a large degree, yes," Motoko answered, eyeing Keitaro worriedly.
"Oe-sensei and I will help you unblock those passageways -- part of it
is by proper breathing, and.
Motoko; The rest will be from sex.
Mutsumi: Cool. I prefer anal sex, personally.
>_<
"So I can be saved?" the girl asked, as Keitaro collapsed on the
lawn and began to twitch weakly. "I hope it's not too late."
Hmm. Did Mustsumi real feel she was endangered? I can see the others
thinking it, but not so sure about her.
Well, she does walk around with a will and last testament in her
pocket. You know, "Just in case."
"Yeah, that's it. Well, I'll hit the pressure points, if you're
ready," Ranma said slowly. "But... before I do that, you need to
understand that we need to do this every day for at least a month. Is
that okay with you?"
Similar to the 'cure' for Miss Hinako. Nice touch.
Shhh! Don't tell anyone!
Mutsumi nodded again happily, smiling. "I would like to be able to
not fall down
would be better simplified. 'I would like to not fall down so often'
Well.... Yeah, but.... You....
....
Fine. Offer your better suggestions. BE that way.
*sniff*
"I'm watching -- if he tries anything perverse I will catch him,"
Motoko added.
"And take over for him."
Mutsumi: Oh, so you'll grope my chest too?
Motoko: That was not what I meant.
You know.... That kind of ties in, but... nah. :p
"That's not nearly as bad!" Mutsumi exclaimed, smiling brightly.
Mutsumi: I prefer girls anyway.
Heh.
"Shall we begin?"
Keitaro's eyes widened, and the deadness about him lessened as he
returned to his normal state, if his nose was bleeding.
awkward. I'd reword the last part about his bloody nose. 'aside from the
bloody nose' perhaps?
Already fixed. Aaron E Nowack caught it... I think. Yeah, must have
been him -- the Evil Twin is always the smarter one.
behind Mutsumi, reaching up under her arm, and poked two fingers into
Mutsumi's
'her chest' (no need to repeat her name)
Hmmm. True.
"Ah... I think so, but we won't know until we get home and compare
answers,"
Might want to mention where they are if not at the Inn
The previous paragraph says it; they're outside of the test center.
Hmm. Maybe not clear enough. Will add something.
"I get the feeling I totally blew my math questions," he sighed,
shaking his head.
One thing you might want to watch out for: overuse of head movement
descriptors. You use nod and shake a lot of the time, like in the above two
sentences. Might want to use other visual descriptors, even facial
expressions, hand movements, watching something that momentarily catches
their attention. That sort of thing.
You know, this is a serious fault of mine. I wish it had been pointed
out earlier... but I will make a conscious effort to lessen how often I
do it.
"Do you think you did well?" Naru asked, glancing between the two once
they were on the sidewalk and headed back towards the inn. "You look
hopeful, Keitaro."
"Ah... I think so, but we won't know until we get home and compare
answers," Keitaro replied, shaking his head. "What about you, Oe-san?"
"I get the feeling I totally blew my math questions," he sighed,
spreading his hands in a helpless gesture. "Still trying to correct
everything I got wrong from Taiso." He brightened suddenly, smiling.
"But I think I did at least fair everywhere else."
"Oh! She's about to be hit by a car," he said, nodding. "Wait,
that's not good." He shook his head, flowing into motion. It was as
though there were some form of step-up to a higher state, he observed,
marveling at how disconnected he felt from himself at the moment.
Heh. Had me going there.
Hooray!
What was it that made it happen? Was it that she reminded him of...
Kasumi? No, she wasn't that similar
Nicer chest, for one thing, Ranma noted.
Hey! Five-yard penalty for roughing the parser.
banished the thoughts, noting them down in his book
'jotting them down in his notebook' might be better as I picture him writing
it in a school book since he just took a test.
Good call.
them entirely. Enough time to consider it later. For now he
not sure, might need a comma between 'now' and 'he'
Much like my patent refusal to let common sense come between me and
good fun, I can't pass up an opportunity to use a comma.
"Ooh, forgot about that," Ranma realized aloud, snapping his
fingers. "I'll catch up with you at the entrance -- I'm going to get
some cold water from Haruka." He bounced away before anyone else could
say anything.
two 'any--' close together. I'd change the first to 'before the others
could'
Hmm. Good catch.
"How could we have missed this?" Keitaro asked, surprise in his voice.
The passages change to remain secret. :)
They must. I'm sure they lead all sorts of interesting places.
"Yeah," Naru managed, speechless at the sight. "And... we never
found one once when we... er... made holes in the walls on accident."
Heh. She wasn't that speechless if she added that to the sentence. :)
Oooh, dang. That's pretty bad. >_<
Changed to 'gawking'.
The four crawled through the dark tunnel, quickly finding themselves
crawling
two 'crawled's close together. Might want to change one.
More than might -- wonder how I missed these....
through an entrance hidden behind one of the scrolls on the
wall of Naru's room. "How come I never knew about this!" the girl
protested. "I've been here for three years!"
Naru: And hung that scroll up there myself.
Heh!
"Oh, well, sometimes I forget to write my name on the test," she
explained. "Or get sick and faint before the test. I think that's what
keeps me from getting in."
Yes, that would do it.
And so it has!
"Er... yeah," Ranma replied, shrugging her shoulders. "Um... I
learned a little bit of Mandarin when I was younger, and was taught...
more later." She cleared her throat. "Anyway, it's a long story."
Hmm. Thought he already related that one to them, or am I misremembering
things.
Refuge draft.
"Yeah, well-- YAAAH!" Ranma turned his head to look at the young
woman in shock. "When did you get here?"
"I had a feeling," she said, grinning.
Yes, but Mitsune nearly always grins. :)
And keeps her eyes narrowed, so's you can never tell what she's thinkin.
Sneaky, that one. Sneaky, I tells ya.
"Curious to see what perversions you might do with these women," she quickly
added.
Heh!
Ranma sighed, shaking his head.
more heads ashakin. :)
Indeed. I'm working on it -- though as chapter 11 is already complete,
don't expect the fixes to all show up at once. -_-
At the sudden gasps of shock sounding from around him, he cleared
his throat. "Um... it's kind of a... strange story, but...." He took a
moment to school his thoughts, then nodded, some expression Naru
couldn't quite identify flashing across his face. "See, her name was
Shan Pu...."
DB: And she was almost as great a goddess as Mutsumi. Almost.
Indeed!
^_^
^_^
"Ah..." he managed, Kintaro rising to his feet, and balling up his
fists angrily.
that parses off.
Fixed.
He shook his head, raising his eyes to meet hers. "It was too much,"
he said quietly. "My life was... crazy. If it wasn't one thing, it was
another, and something happened that I got blamed for...." He swallowed,
shaking his head. "I... couldn't stay any longer. I... can't let that
life be mine."
So Shampoo doesn't know. Odd. I thought everyone would have known by now.
OTOH, I guess this wasn't all that longer from when he left originally.
Mystery, hmm?
Ranma blinked at the girl, realizing what she was offering to give
up. "For.... This is my issue of honor," he said, nodding slowly. "This
is what I got myself into,
Twice. Both at the villiage and over the Reversal Jewel.
Regardless, he's owning up to his own responsibility.
"Nothing like that!" Ranma protested, shaking his head. "I was a kid
-- I wasn't ready to settle down with any of them -- period. It wasn't
like I was asking for relationships. And... things got messed up
later.... Uh. Anyway. I'm telling you about Shampoo right now."
Ranma; While she was attractive, she wasn't that imaginative in bed. She was
a strictly meat and potatoes girl, if you know what I mean. After a while, I
got kind of bored and wanted something a little different.
You like that 'meat and potatoes' phrase in that context. I've seen it
in at least one of your fics, and this is the third time it's popped up
in C&C.
Are you trying to say something? o_O
Mitsune: I've got a copy of the Kama Sutra and a few pages marked off with
stuff I wanted to try.
Ranma: Cool.
....
"She... taught me a lot about tracking, and how to speak Mandarin,"
he said quietly. "There was a loophole in the law that she could use to
get both of us free. If I agreed to be married to her for a month...
then she could decide that she didn't want me, and declare the marriage
nullified. Since... it was my own honor, I agreed. I owed her that, and
for the next... well... three months, we stayed together, traveling
across Japan."
Heh. Amazing how one month can turn to three. :)
Funny, isn't it?
"He's actually
Actually, he's (sounds better to me)
Easy fix.
He accepted the bracers hesitantly, feeling the cool cloth-like
substance
I don't really picture hide as being all that cloth like.
Magic.
MAGIC!
*grumbles*
Leather-like?
Ranma was speechless. He had known this was coming -- they had
planned it, after all. Both of them had agreed about it... and yet...
yet he could see how much it hurt her. He could feel it too, after all.
And she had given him such a priceless gift to thank him. What did he
have to give to her?
Good memories.
One can hope.
Yep. Best to leave it as is. Nice resolution to that part of the old story.
I felt it was deserved, even if she's got no dominion over the current
storyline. No reason to just tuck her away into a convenient niche or
plothole and forget about it.
"Yeah, but he won't scratch anything up."
Hehe
:p
"More heavy lifting!" Mitsune cheered. "I'll keep you company."
And drink. Watching people lift heavy things is thirsty work.
I'll drink to that!
That aside, she'd improvised at least one of her own, and thought
she might be close to learning another... but before that happened,
she'd have to... wonder at the large wooden deck covering what had once
been one of the larger craters in the backyard. Had the construction
crew left it before they departed?
Hmm
"No! Don't go through the door!"
"Motoko!" a voice called from the house, warning her. "Step away!"
Suu rushed towards her, looking worried.
Heh. Probably a pit to train in the turtle-ken.
Bingo.
Light flickered on, in the form of an aged computer monitor of some
sort, spilling illumination across the floor of the pit. Irregularly
spaced and sized stones lined nearly the entire floor, but it appeared
to be otherwise empty. Except for the pair of glowing eyes atop the
monitor....
One of many, I'm sure.
There is only one SleepyTurtle.
But many turtles are sleepy.
Motoko was wide-eyed and trembling in Ranma's arms, and he looked at
her in concern. "Figures the first night I get to sleep as a guy
something goes crazy," he mumbled. "Motoko-chan?
That's awful familiar of him.
And if you re-read the Shampoo scene, you'll notice that it's not the
first time. :p
"I'm fine," she assured him, raising her head and nodding. "Suu is a
good person -- I do not believe she would do such a thing if she knew it
would... bother or hurt someone else."
Suu: Permenantly, anyway.
Suu: But at Shinobu's request, this mind-alteration helmet and this
illegal drugs....
The girl nodded quickly. "I got the instructions off the internet,"
I thought she said she got them from a book Haruka dropped.
I flubbed that one. Internet only, now. Haruka's dropped book doesn't
figure into this chapter.
[OMINOUS SILENCE]
"Ranma seems to be much more frightened of cats than you are of
turtles, anyway," Suu said, shrugging. "I'll come up with something
better to surprise you next time!"
Good idea.
Isn't it always?
There was no answer from within, except for the quiet clattering of
things being shuffled around -- or perhaps assembled. A line of flashing
light across the bottom edge of the door suggested a welding torch,
despite the strange colors that were appearing.
Heh.
Mystery!!!
"Gah!" Naru managed, dropping Keitaro's hand and blushing darkly. "I
swear I was only hauling him outside to have my way with him!"
Wonder what she meant to say.
Naru: I was only taking him outside so that I could beat him until I
was satisfied!
Keitaro: Oh, that's much better.
Shinobu sighed, looking upwards. The weather was beginning to turn
again, as well. Dark, clouded skies tended to add to the atmosphere of
dreariness.
Unless you're in the middle of a forest fire. Then they're like god smiling
upon you. :)
Perhaps then.
Naru looked up, relaxing her expression, and sighed. "Suu won't come
out of her room to talk to us," she sighed.
She was in there all day?
Enough to make Naru sigh twice.
In due course, the pair had reached the bottom of the descent, and
then proceeded to crawl through a network of tunnels, Sarah pausing on
occasion to consult her hand drawn map. "I think it's this way," she
said, pointing to an open space ahead of them, illuminated by the
flashlight. "Or... the next one to the right. I'm not sure."
Sarah: One of them leads to Suu's room, the other to the fifth ring of Hell.
Can't tell which is which.
Shinobu: Which one reminds you of America more?
Sarah: The one on the right.
Shinobu: That would be Hell, then.
Mutsumi adopted a curious expression, and cocked her head to one
side. "So, you don't like touching me, then?"
"I--"
"am not going to answer questions that have no right answer. "
Heh!
"Well," he temporized, "I'm... doing it to try and help you, not for
fun. I mean... it's... not that I wouldn't... like to... um...
normally... but...." He scratched the back of his head, staring at his
feet. "Well, I mean, if I really wanted to, I guess I could just get
some cold water... but that's not the point." He shook his head again,
and gesticulated with both hands in front of him, "I don't think about
it like that when I'm helping you. I mean, I'm not that desperate to try
and do something perverted, even if I don't exactly have girls falling
over themselves for me--"
anymore
Is that so?
A square section of the ceiling flipped downward at that precise
moment, and a panicked Shinobu tumbled free, landing squarely in Ranma's
extended arms.
"... or maybe I do, but that's still not the point," he grumped.
Heh .Nice touch.
Muahahaha!
If she ever built her own home, it would be
riddled with secret passages -- Hina-san certainly knew what she was
doing when she set about designing the inn.
Heh Interesting thought process on Shinobu's part.
I had fun with that part.
Sarah dropped the banana curry down, startling Shinobu out of her
reverie. Dismissing the daydream, she managed to catch carefully
catch the carefully
Yikes. Tons o' mistakes this time around.
"Oh, well, I was going to use my computer for something... but then
I got distracted by a game of Super Tetris vs. Columns IV: Mega Death
Championship Tournament Edition Turbo -- Online," Suu explained. She
blinked, glancing at a clock. "Wow. This update is taking way longer
than I thought it would.
They always do.
Always.
Ranma looked up from the book and shook his head. "Nah," he said,
closing it. "Just wondering about the yard -- it got all torn up and
everything. I want to see about fixing it so I can undo all the damage I
caused before I leave," he replied simply. "It's also one of the most
boring books I've ever read.
Heero Yui: I don't know. Yardwork can be interesting, if you're struggling
against the right opponent.
Now how's that for a gratuitous plug? ^_^
Penalty, on the offense, unsportsmanlike conduct. Ten yards.
Mitsune led the way, picking out the pieces, and having him carry
it. When she had
think you can drop this 'had'
Done.
"It's a yearly tradition, but we skipped it two years in a row,"
Mitsune explained. "The old pot cracked, and we finally got this new one."
So Mitsune has been there for more than three years?
Substantially. I think Naru's been there since she was fourteen, and
Mitsune has been there since before then. The photo album bit shows Naru
when she first moved in, and I think everyone else moving in is
referenced, too.
Haruka narrowed her eyes, and grudgingly handed it over. Ranma
replicated Mutsumi's feat, then grinned, handing the empty bottle back.
"Hey, that wasn't so bad," he said, blinking blearily at the woman.
"Say, Haruka, you never told me you had a sister."
Heh. Yep. Poor Ranma.
I have fun with this one.
Mutsumi looked at the fallen man in consternation, then knelt at his
side and shook him gently. "Ranma-kun?" she asked. "Are you okay?"
He opened his eyes briefly, and shook his head. "I taste... metal."
heh
Lots of fun.
"Um... Ranma-kun, can you give me your light show again?" Mutsumi
asked, shaking him slightly.
"He's come for me, girl. It's my time," he mumbled, shaking his head.
double heh.
I should do it again, come to think of it.
"Ooh!" Suu cooed, wide-eyed. "Ranmas need to be exposed to alcohol
more often!"
Hehehehe.
;)
Come to think of it, the last time that they'd really done anything
was when they reviewed the photo album in her room, and then... Mutsumi
had arrived. And before that was the date that... when she thought about
it, she had ruined by thinking Keitaro and Ranma were lovers.
Silly girl.
As always.
"Um...." Ranma seemed hesitant, then sighed. "It's not like he's
constantly putting his foot into his mouth -- I don't think he's stopped
liking you, Naru. All that's different is that... uh... Mutsumi doesn't
hit him." There was a moment of silence while the smaller girl looked
away, towards the twinkling stars. "I don't think it really means that
he... likes her."
well, likes her 'that way'
Ranma's using GuyLogic.
"I can't imagine," Ranma said dryly. "Look, if he likes you, he
likes you. Some other girl isn't probably going to change his mind,
Oh,sure. that NEVER happens. :P
Not according to GuyLogic, it doesn't!
The girl paused, and raised her gaze, considering. "I don't know,"
she finally said, shaking her head. "I don't... know her well enough to
say.
Ranma: She's probably a good lay, but aside from that, no idea.
Naru: Well, you're right about the first part.
Ranma: ....
Naru: Er... I... guess, anyway.
"How?" he asked quietly. "I never even saw it coming...."
Yes, well, sometimes it comes from out of nowhere. :)
Nice work. Dealt a lot with the relationships and filled in some more of
Ranma's past. Eager to see more.
Thanks very much for the C&C! More should be forthcoming shortly.
Now seems like a good time.
DB Sommer