At 09:38 AM 8/6/2003 -0700, Zorknot wrote:

Great start! Lots of potential here.

Thanks!

One thing I saw wrong at least potentially is that Ranma seemed to forget 
about the special undies. Seems silly and maybe you weren't intending them 
to be anything other than a device to get Ranma to the shrine, but there's 
just something about revered underclothing that makes me curious.

Heh. The 'sacred undies' show up again briefly in chapter 2, but they are 
mostly a plot device. :)

Other than that, I can't think of much at the present. I think my favorite 
part right now is the Miko powers. I like how you use the Japanese gods 
there. Maybe just because I actually know who Susano-o is, but I thought 
that was neat. And Michi (you named her street???) is good too, especially 
in the first part with the explosions and when she screams. A *normal* 
person... scary^_^

Michi's name can also mean 'pathway', and that's the meaning i intended for 
the character.  Suzu means 'little bell', BTW.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Dr. Matsushima chuckled at the mental image the comment invoked. Chikako's 
twelve year old half-sister was cute as a button and twice as energetic.

Funny, I don't usually find buttons all that energetic^_^

*snort*

'Twice as energetic as she is cute' is how the descriptive should be 
parsed. It may just be a family thing, but I've heard that style of 
expression for as long as I can remember.

He could easily imagine the platinum haired girl careening wildly from 
wall to wall like a ping pong ball on amphetamines.

*platinum-haired* and really I think ping pong balls are generally 

unaffected by psychotropic chemicals. It's your simile though.

Corrected the missing hyphen.  You'll just have to live with my 
anthropomorphisms :)

Dr. Matsushima frowned; most patients didn't realize how serious even a 
'slight' concussion could be. "Even so, are you dizzy? Feeling nauseous? 
Do your ears ring?"

ah. If Ranma were nauseous he'd be making other people sick. 

"Nauseated" is what you're looking for.

Someone else has already commented on the word usage here. <g>


============================================================
Mark Shurtleff
   email: gaijin@sfcmd.com
   irc alias: Gaijin -or- togashi_gaijin
   fanfiction homepage: http://www.sfcmd.com/fanfic
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