At 06:12 PM 8/7/2003 -0500, Aaron E Nowack wrote:
[snip]

I imagine most people reading this fic will know what a miko is, but it
might be a decent idea to somehow work in a definition for those who
don't.

Good point. Replaced the first 'miko' with 'shrine maiden', and the later 
usages of 'miko' are directly tied with 'priestess', so no further 
explanatory text should be required.

Also, the story's web page has some additional info, so it shouldn't be 
*too* hard for readers to figure out the word if they haven't run across it 
before. :)

[snip]

amateur athletes kayaking the rapids on the Tama created interesting
traffic jams all of their own.

Maybe "all on their own"?  Not sure.

You're right, it's an awkward phrase. Rewrote the sentence.

[snip]

situated. A long time before the hustle and bustle of the city could
reach out to disturb the serenity of the countryside Michi so adored.

I believe this second sentence is actually a fragment.

Correct, but the usage here should be acceptable, since it's more internal 
dialog than anything else.

[snip]

In a similar vein, earlier Chikako makes a comment along the lines that
she wouldn't have expected to see something like the battle between Ranma
and Happi outside of a movie.  While that might be appropriate for a
"normal" person, or maybe even Michi, but given Chikako's own
supernatural abilities and later evident fammiliartirty with anime-style
devil hunters, I find it odd that she would find such a battle too
unusual, or even that she would not have previous experience with
Nerima-level martial artists.

*Very* good point about Chikako's initial assessment. I've rewritten it in 
a more consistent manner.

Thanks for the comments!


============================================================
Mark Shurtleff
   email: gaijin@sfcmd.com
   irc alias: Gaijin -or- togashi_gaijin
   fanfiction homepage: http://www.sfcmd.com/fanfic
============================================================


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