Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma] Miko - chapter 1
From: Zorknot
Date: 8/6/2003, 12:38 PM
To: Mark Shurtleff , ffml@anifics.com


Great start! Lots of potential here. 

One thing I saw wrong at least potentially is that Ranma seemed to forget about the special undies. Seems silly and maybe you weren't intending them to be anything other than a device to get Ranma to the shrine, but there's just something about revered underclothing that makes me curious. 

Other than that, I can't think of much at the present. I think my favorite part right now is the Miko powers. I like how you use the Japanese gods there. Maybe just because I actually know who Susano-o is, but I thought that was neat. And Michi (you named her street???) is good too, especially in the first part with the explosions and when she screams. A *normal* person... scary^_^ 

The writing will come, all will be well, and the universe will unfold as it should.

Thanks for sharing, and may leprechauns find you wearing green,

-W.B.R.

Specific comments should follow:

~~~~~*~~~~~ 

Dr. Matsushima chuckled at the mental image the comment invoked. Chikako's twelve year old half-sister was cute as a button and twice as energetic.

Funny, I don't usually find buttons all that energetic^_^

 

He could easily imagine the platinum haired girl careening wildly from wall to wall like a ping pong ball on amphetamines.

*platinum-haired* and really I think ping pong balls are generally unaffected by psychotropic chemicals. It's your simile though.

 

Dr. Matsushima frowned; most patients didn't realize how serious even a 'slight' concussion could be. "Even so, are you dizzy? Feeling nauseous? Do your ears ring?" 

ah. If Ranma were nauseous he'd be making other people sick. "Nauseated" is what you're looking for. 




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