Heh.  Loved this.

Ebiris wrote:

"Do you feel it? This evil energy approaching the blue Earth?"

A small creature emitted a sharp gasp as it turned its attention to the
speaker. "I... I have felt nothing..." he whispered in a a tiny little
voice, even though he hardly looked like a being in posession of the
necessary self-awareness for speech.

On second reading, Dokuchu's general incompetence is clear here, from 
the beginning
of the story.

The first speaker turned around. Her long blonde hair, which almost
reached the floor, billowing out dramatically with the movement to catch
the light in such a manner as to send irridescent waves rippling through
it.

Something about this description said "Leiji Matsumoto character" to me, 
though I'm not
sure why.  Probably I've just seen too many parodies of these lately in 
anime.

Her longtime companion gone, the woman returned her attention to the
blue and white orb visible beyond the crystalline confines of her home,
and whispered, "I will pray for you, Dokuchu..."

I am inclined to agree with Ammadeau, I think, that this preface seemed 
a touch over-long.
You do want your readers staying with you to the next part, where their 
patience is rewarded.
The scene just says "typical magical girl setup" to me, except that you 
do make a point of
Dokuchu's incompetence, so there ought to be a way to cut it some.  
OTOH, you might
want to tell us a bit more about the evil approaching the earth:  done 
right, that would hook
your readers to keep going.

Kodachi Kuno merrily bounced along the rooftops of Nerima as she made
her way home from school, her delightful laugh advertised her good mood
to any who would care to listen.

Grammar:  either change that comma to a semi-colon or "advertised" to 
"advertising".  You have
two complete sentences bridged by a comma, which is not allowed.

And why shouldn't she be in a good mood? She was young, rich, and
beautiful; truly she was blessed by the Gods themselves. All she needed
to make her life complete was the love of a good man, and she had just
the perfect man in mind.

"Ranma-sama..." she breathed out the name of her beloved in a reverent
tone while alighting on a streetlight to briefly survey the plebeians
who walked the common streets beneath her. But her Ranma-sama wasn't
beneath her! If ever there was a man worthy of the Black Rose, it was
he. Just thinking of being held in those strong arms of his, rippling
with powerful yet well-toned muscle, was enough to sent delightful
shivers through her body. Truly her Ranma-sama was a man among men!

Very good characterization here, I thought, as well as your prose being 
fun to read.

Just looking at the way the bitch dressed in an obviously transparent
imitation of Ranma-sama (her clothes were even oversized enough that
they could probably fit him too) 

Heh.  Gee, she's observant today.

And people called *her* crazy? The thought was enough to make Kodachi
laugh. Which she did. With great aplomb.

Heh.  Actually quoting the laugh here, I think, would spoil the effect, 
but it should be quoted
somewhere, earlier I suppose.

The pigtailed girl's previously nervous expression changed to one of
marked distaste, and when she matched Kodachi's gaze, the taller girl
realised she probably shouldn't have pushed her like this, for there was
a simmering anger in those cerulean eyes, along with another emotion
that Kodachi could barely recognise as despair.

"Despair" kind of threw me briefly.  I don't see anything in the story 
which warrants Ranma
displaying an emotion so foreign to him (one which he couldn't master 
even given great reason
to in the Shi Shi Hokoden story).  Now, this may be a hook for some 
further plot twist, some
development in Ranma's life you have planned; if so, I'd suggest another 
hint or two farther down.
Otherwise, I'd rethink the use of the word here.  Maybe you just want 
"impatience"?
Or you could be trying to make a point about Kodachi here, I suppose, 
but if so it's not clear
to me.

The pigtailed girl recoiled as if struck before firming her stance once
more. "I sure as hell don't, Kodachi! Besides, Ranma is..." she paused
and her expression once more showed distaste, "Akane's fiance."

Again, your intent is unclear here (perhaps deliberately, of course).  
Is Ranma's distaste simply for
saying that?  Or for its being true?  The fact that Ranma leaves out 
Akane's family name suggests
to me that he's really talking to himself rather than to Kodachi, which 
again suggests to me, in
conjunction with the "despair" above, that he's nearing some personal 
crisis.

More generally:  while I think your Kodachi dead-on, your Ranma is not 
striking me as "dead-on"
in the sense that this is a normal day for him.  OTOH, your Ranma is not 
striking me as wildly
OOC either; Ranma is IC enough that I'm reading plot nuances into the 
deviances I see.  In other
words, I recognize him, but see him as unusually bothered.  This may or 
may not be your intent;
if it is, then you're doing fine; if it is not, then I'd rethink Ranma's 
reactions here.

Kodachi snorted in a nonetheless ladylike manner. "Pish tosh! Ranma-sama
is also engaged to that Kuonji girl and... married or some such
according to the backwards tribal law of that Chinese wench. A man such
as he is not to be tied down by the arrangements of others! Ranma-sama
will follow his heart to find true love, and I aim to make sure that he
finds me!" she postured dramatically as she finished her little speech.

Nice rationalization here.  Don't recall seeing Kodachi's reasoning 
phrased like this before,
but it makes sense.  The manga never really explains why Kodachi keeps 
up the pursuit in the
face of three girls with stronger claims.

The pigtailed girl looked slightly flustered, and took a moment to
collect herself. No doubt she was simply overwhelmed by how outclassed
she was compared to the Black Rose in the quest for Ranma. "Look...
Kodachi," she said, trying hard to keep her tone light and failing
miserably. "You should just give up on Ranma... it'd be best for
everyone if you did."

Again, Ranma seems unusually subdued here to me.

Kodachi growled low in her throat. It was an unspoken truce of the Kuno
household, that she would keep her pictures of Ranma-sama in her bedroom
or the greenhouse, while Tatewaki would keep pictures of his two 'loves'
in his bedroom or the dojo. All other parts of the house were supposed
to be neutral, to avoid setting off the volatile tempers of either Kuno
child.

Nice logical extrapolation of what we see in the "Sibling Rivalry" 
storyline.

Kodachi sighed at her brother's theatrics. "Speaking of the pigtailed
girl, I ran into her on my way home today. She asked me to pass
something onto you."
<clip>
"She gave you flowers. Catch." Kodachi tossed a bouquet of black roses
which Tatewaki reflexively caught before being stunned by the small
burst of paralysis powder from them.

Heh.  Fast thinking by Kodachi.  Tatewaki was certain to fall for that one.

Wrinkling his pert little nose, Dokuchu looked this way and that. From
what he could tell, there were actually several people in this city who
possessed the right aptitudes and potential...

Of course...

It was a rather hectic day at the Tendou dojo, even by that place's
wacky standards.

I agree with Ammadeau:  "wacky" is out of place here; it disrupts my 
suspension of disbelief.  I
read it as an authorial intrusion.  How about "unusual"?

Dokuchu had settled into a comfortable spot under a bush by the koi pond
to observe things before he made any attempt at contacting the girl who
could potentially save the Earth. This gave him the perfect opportunity
to witness such distilled madness as to contemplate just letting the

Suggest "madness as to tempt him into letting the planet burn..."

Akane blithely waved off those concerns. "Don't worry, Ranma. I left the
heat up on full so it won't get cold. This'll be the best dinner you
ever ate, trust me!"

Nice innovation (to me, at least) in Akane's cooking techniques.  Fanfic 
authors don't come up
with enough new ideas here, IMO.

"What did you say?!" Akane asked politely. As politely as one can ask
when every vein in your forehead is visibly throbbing and you're holding
a mallet just itching to be buried in the face of the person in front of
you.

Suggest terminating above sentence with "visibly throbbing", and losing 
the mallet.

"I have come to claim my bride!"

"Huh? I didn't say that!" Ranma protested, looking around frantically
for the source of that booming statement.

"Nay, 'twas I, Prince Ynesbrg!"

Heh.  Didn't expect this addition, though it suits the "more hectic than 
usual" theme.  May
contribute a bit to a tone problem, however:  while your Kuno-ke scene 
was strictly Takahashi,
princes kidnapping Akane is more of a movie/fanfic cliche.  In 
particular, given what Kenjiko
has done with this type of scene, you risk parody here.

Everyone's eyes turned to rest on the figure alighted on the wall
surrounding the Tendou dojo. He was a fairly unimpressive figure of a
man, even if you discounted the fact that his skin was a rather
unhealthy puke green colour, standing at a full four and a half feet
tall and dressed in little more than a loincloth that looked like it was
made of seaweed. Perhaps the oddest thing about him (besides the green
skin) was the fin like protuberances coming from his back, upper arms
and calves.

Is this a kappa?  You don't say.  A kappa prince coming for Akane sounds 
like something
I'd write.

Prince Ynesbrg postured dramatically before speaking up in his booming
voice that was incongruous with his diminutive stature. "The portents of
the dreamers pointed me to this place where I may find my bride; the one
whose dark recipes will provide fuel for the awakening of the Old Gods
who slumber deep beneath R'lyeh! Akane Tendou, I have come for you!"

Heh.  Haven't seen much of this since Loader's "Varaiyah Cycle" and 
"Nameless Sequel".

"Oh god, I don't even know who the father could be... it's probably
either Souichirou-sensei or Daisuke... I doubt it's Shiro... Damn! It
better not be Hiroshi or Yuka's gonna kill me!"

Well, this was a surprise.  Actually, using Sayuri at all was a surprise.

As I think about it, the only point of this whole scene seems to be a 
fairly cheap laugh at
"loose" Sayuri.  Suggest you think about dispensing, or changing. 

For instance, it might be fun to have a scene with a hitherto-unknown 
girl with the potential to
equal the girls we know in power, and have this denoument.  Using Sayuri 
instead of an unknown
gives us the recognition, but your readers are still mystified as to 
what drew Dokuchu here
(especially without an Ukyou scene or serious consideration given to 
Akane).  Might work to
attribute some kind of potential other than martial arts to Sayuri here, 
but I'd be clear about what
you're doing.

I agree with Ammadeau that Ukyou should have a scene.  If set late 
enough in continuity, you could
have Dokuchu drawn to the Ucchan's, but thinking it's Konatsu that's 
drawing her rather than
the "obviously masculine" Ukyou.  Then disqualify Konatsu somehow.

'A healthy mind and a healthy body! Looks like I've hit paydirt with
this one!' Dokuchu was more than pleased as he prepared to reveal
himself to the girl and bestow upon her the power to protect the planet.

Heh.  Incompetent indeed!

"No, seriously, I'm a space lemming, and I've come to find you!"

Space Lemming?  LOL!  Nice parody of "moon cat" and its ilk.

"Give me the power to defend against evil, the strength to protect love,
and the spirit to never falter! I am... Cutey Thorn!"

Was expecting "Pretty Koddi" or "Cody" from the title.  Not sure the 
variation on Cutey Honey is
your best bet here; you might want to rethink.  Cutey Honey is shounen 
rather than shoujo in
orientation, so it's kind of out-of-genre too.

Kodachi considered that for a second before responding. "I don't really
care about that, but maybe having a secret identity would be fun... so
is this like those shoujo manga where no one can tell my true identity
even though I'm not disguised in any way?"
 

Technically, that's the SM anime only; on-lookers in the SM manga can 
(at least, sometimes)
tell who the girls are.

I really enjoyed this.  Looking forward to more!





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