Thanks for the excellent C&C, guys. I'm going to rewrite the chapter to
cover all
the spelling/grammar points that were raised, as well as change a few other
things
based on what you said.

For now I'd like to respond to all the issues regarding style, plot,
characterisation,
and any other miscellaneous points.

Regarding the preface.

This was very much intended to be a cliche (I was watching
the intro the Puni Puni Poemi as I wrote it) and is really meant to lure the
reader into
false expectations with the overbearing levels of 'shoujo-iness' before
everything falls
apart in typical Ranma 1/2 style. It's also for Dokuchu's characterisation -
he's starting
off as a happy little magical girl mascot living his perfect little life and
even if the
situation is a bit dire, he's still optimistic. He's about to get
disillusioned real fast...

I like to think that, as DB said, anyone who was intrigued by the title
would read their
way past the preface, but I will see what I can do to liven it up a little
without taking
too much away from the effect I was going for.

Ranma's characterisation in the second scene.

I agree that perhaps this is a little off (though it came across as even
more heavy
handed in the version I sent to pre-readers). I was generally trying to get
across
the point that Ranma is sick of all the romantic entanglements he's stuck
with, and it
depresses him somewhat. I was kinda thinking that because Kodachi is
relating to him
as 'the pigtailed girl' right now, Ranma is showing a bit of vulnerability
that he wouldn't
show if she was relating to him as 'Ranma-sama'. I'll rewrite that scene to
make Ranma
more casual though, since I agree that it is laid on a bit too thick -
especially since I have
Ranma acting his usual carefree self two scenes later...

Does Kodachi really have a greenhouse in the manga?

I've never seen it, but we never actually see the Kuno estate in its
entirety, and with the rate
Kodachi goes through black rose petals when she tosses them all over the
place, she'd need
to have someplace to grow flowers all year long...

Kodachi's poisons and their effects on Tatewaki.

At the beginning of 'Sibling Rivalry' Kodachi paralyses Kuno with some tea
then feeds him
to Mr Turtle. We never actually see how he got out of that one...

The 'Ranma rejection' scene.

Yeah magical princes are a cliche. The entire point of that scene was to
make use of
the usual cliches (well, Akane's cooking and magical princes at least) to
explain why
Ranma wasn't chosen as a magical girl. Yes, he could have been rejected just
for being
a boy, but that's not funny. Besides, if Dokuchu knew about Ranma's curse,
he'd probably
tell Kodachi...

Prince Ynesbrg is not a kappa, he's a Deep One from the HP Lovecraft books
(R'yleh is
the city where Cthulu sleeps). I thought it was a fun change from the
bishonen Chinese
types Akane is more used to...

The lack of Ukyo.

Okay, the way I figured it, being a magical girl requires more than just
plain physical or
mental skill, there needs to be an attunement to magical power, and that is
never defined
in the manga, so there's no telling who has what it takes. Obviously I had
to use Kodachi,
Ranma is used as foreshadowing, and then I decided that throwing a few
others in would
be fun. But I'm not going to go through every damn girl in the series! I
chose Sayuri because
she's the closest thing to a 'normal' girl in Ranma 1/2 (well, her and Yuka.
The two are
interchangeable), but then I needed a reason for her to be rejected in
favour of Kodachi. Her
being a slut was not only funny, but in no way does it go against canon from
what we know.

Dokuchu not using Kodachi's last name when he introduces himself.

Meh, I was thinking of Luna's first dialog with Usagi in Sailor Moon.

Kodachi's magical girl name.

Originally it was Kawaii Keisai, but someone pointed out that was too weird
since Keisai means
'spouse' in addition to 'thorn' but said if I used Kei it would be fine. Kei
just made me think of
the Dirty Pair so I decided to just ditch the Japanese entirely and use
Cutey Thorn. Any suggestions
for a better name would be appreciated, though ^_^


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