Good stuff. Glad to see more of it.

The biggest problem I had with it was that there weren't that many decisions made, as you said, and a lot of it was people crying on each other's shoulders. It was necessary but I just tend to prefer it when characters get pissed and then get even or have scathing arguments, even though that's unrealistic.

It's because of this, perhaps, that I really liked the end bit with Ryoga the best. You could have gone a different route and had Ryoga ask Ranma what's wrong and be concerned for his friend and not fight him. But you stayed true to the character and had him show his concern through fighting, which was much more intense and led so naturally to Ranma's confession.

You will finish this chapter by September, and it will be awesome, I'm sure.

Thanks for sharing and may the path before you be forever free of snails,

-W.B.R.

Specific comments follow.

~~~~~*~~~~~

For example: his relationship deepening with Sayuri, they marry soon after graduation; supporting him as he struggles through a second-rate Tokyo university, she eventually quits and stays at home and raises their children as he joins with a large firm, another be-suited soldier of human management. A good husband and father, he retires after forty years of hard work and recollects the golden days of his youth in high school.

The format's not consistant here. Consider "For example: his relationship deepening with Sayuri, *them* marrying soon after graduation; *her* supporting him as he struggles trhough a second-rate Tokyo university, she eventually *quitting* and *staying* at home *to raise* their children as he joins with a large firm..."

 

These are my golden days? Hiroshi thought.

I think this would work better without "Hiroshi thought" Besides, who else is there to think it?

 

Maybe soon after graduation Sayuri realizes how much of a geek he is, and dumps him. Left reeling, he redirects his agony into effort and loses himself into study, and manages to enter a top-flight university. With these heightened prospects he is recruited by a major international corporation. Rising swiftly through the ranks, he nevertheless still fears that adolescent pain and never again connects deeply with another woman. Older and richer (and possibly with an ulcer, though Hiroshi wonders if that might be over-the-top), he one day retires and cynically reflects on his high-school heartbreak.

Seems awkward might try, "Maybe soon after graduation Sayuri *would realize* how much of a geek he *was* and dump him..." You get the idea hopefully.

 

These unexciting thoughts appeal to him more than the occasional wild flights of fancy. 

Switched tenses here. Should be "These unexciting thoughts *appealed* to him..."

 

Though fun imagining himself being bitten by a strange radioactive insect and suddenly gaining superhuman powers allowing him to go toe-to-toe with Ranma and his friends in hand-to-hand combat . . . it also seemed silly. 

"Though *it was* fun...."

However: something inside yearned terribly for a chance--just _one_ chance--to test and prove himself.

comma instead of colon after "However"

 

To his parents and to Sayuri. To himself.

Consider: "To his parents, to Sayuri...and to himself." As it stands it isn't quite as biting.

 

Not that he could blame her: he'd probably be embarrassed to be seen with himself, too, if he was that popular.

semicolon instead of colon after "her" and get rid of the commas.

 

He knew he would be hearing all about it at lunch. He remembered the stupid bet he made with Daisuke a week ago, and felt weak.

Might mention what the bet was again.

 

I wonder how Ranma is doing, Hiroshi thought. I sure hope he's okay.

Uh oh. 

 

Under the rain's incessant fall, her plaintive cry went unheard.

Powerful scene.

 

"I'm .

. .

sorry, Akane. But I really don't know."

This is how this line appeared to me. Just FYI in case it was a formating error on your end. Intense flashback.

 

The young woman felt very lonely.

I think it would be better here if you went ahead and used Akane's name. Like "Tendo Akane felt very lonely" 

 

And he had stared back at her wide-eyed, with a face suddenly pale, and answered with that enigmatic whispered, "Yes". To what question, she wondered, had he replied? 

Might be good to say what the questions were. 

 

No matter what he said--and even now, beneath the dark clouds, rubbing at her dully aching wrist, fragments of a memory roiling at the edge of her thoughts, reds and pale flesh and threatening shadows; even after all that, she _still_ felt residual anger at his words--I should have kept my temper in check and made sure he stayed. 

This sentence is a little awkward, might consider making two sentences with it. Also you might say what it was Ranma said.

 

It was a pig and it was steaming angry--literally, for the falling water erupted into tiny sizzling wisps upon contact with its porcine skin. 

Ano...wouldn't that trigger the curse?

 

Just you wait! seethed Ryouga Hibiki.

I don't know if you can seeth unspoken words...ah well I think it might be better if you got rid of the "seethed Ryouga Hibiki" part. Also I tend to prefer to have the name of the character a section is about right away, rather than a description. It's not a real problem and it is more dramatic, but well, it can also be over used. In this case, I don't see the reason for not just going out and saying that Ryoga Hibiki trudged through the rain in pig form. But that might just be me.

 

Akane lost track of how long she sat beneath the bridge's cover.

The Ryoga scene was rather short, and it didn't really make me think much time had passed. If you had something else happen, or went to another character afterwards or instead (my vote's for Ranma) at that point, it might be better.

 

The wind, still moist and cool, no longer chilled her as deeply. She had stopped crying quite a while ago.

It's neat when the weather fits the mood:-) It can't rain all the time. So saeth the Crow.

 

No, the middle sister insisted, growing angry. Not that: it's ridiculous. That kind of shit doesn't happen. Not in Nerima. Not to my family. Not to Ranma.

I always love scenes like this where Nabiki shows she cares about things. She's such a deep character...I never get tired of a well done Nabiki.

 

Why should she be the one to hold shit together? 

I don't like the use of shit here; just "things" would be better imo.

 

The air had been fresh and cool against her face as she ran to Mrs. Saotome's home. 

Consider getting rid of "to Mrs. Saotome's home" as it's a little unnecessary and distracting.

 

Ranma sat in the corner of the room. He sat curled in a little ball, hugging himself tightly. Head held low, he stared at the floor.

I'm thinking you might use "she" here. Akane is thinking of Ranma as a girl and currently, he is a girl. To say "he" makes me think he's male. If you're making a point, then I'd say it's a little too subtle. you might put each "he" in quotations, or capitalize it.

 

Mrs. Saotome seemed visibly shaken as she continued. "I held her tight and brought her in. She was crying so hard! She was crying . . . so hard, I couldn't understand. What she was saying. But Ranko kept repeating the same thing."

If she didn't understand, how could she know what Ranma said? Might put an "at first" after understand. It's not necessary of course though, as everyone is rather distraught and can be forgiven for not being precise.

 

_Untidy disarrayed sheets. Dishevelled Chinese shirt. Bikini top crumpled on floor. Mussed bangs and unravelled locks. 

*Disheveled*...*unraveled*

 

It slowly dawned on Genma that something was wrong. 

heh...a nice little bit of comic relief from the darkness. Its nice. Hard to see an image if it's only painted one color.

 

His day had followed an almost perfectly normal routine: an excellent breakfast from Kasumi followed by a couple of stimulating games of igo with Soun

*go*

 

She suddenly realized that she didn't want to leave the house . . . that returning home, she had breathed an unconscious sigh of relief at being off the streets. 

This is a little too close to an earlier statement. Might consider rewording.

 

Nabiki knew then how she could help. She was going to find the bastard responsible for what had happened to Ranma and make him pay. 

Seems to me this would bring up issues of face. Or at least a lot more people would have to know about Ranma getting raped. Nabiki's going to have to be extremely discrete.

 

Ranma's flickered down to his wrist then up to Ryouga's face. 

"Ranma's *eyes* flickered..."

 

A bubble of hysteria swelled up from deep inside: tension stretched to its final limit, the emptiness it barely contained threatened to overwhelm her. . . would she collapse in tear?

*tears*

 

There was a brief silence. Her father ended it with, "Nabik, really." 

*Nabiki*

 

Staring him straight in the eye and speaking in a small and frightened voice, Ranma said, "I've been raped. . . ."

Whoah. 

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