Denise Cameron <denisecameron@eastlink.ca> wrote:

Ryoga looked through his pack again, searching for a certain map. It
had been in there, he was sure. He had packed it himself, unless
Nabiki or Ukyo had been through it.

Suggest something like:

He had packed it himself, so it should still be inside, unless Nabiki or
Ukyo had taken it.

(As written, doesn't quite parse. If Nabiki or Ukyo had been through his
pack, then he hadn't packed it himself? Let airport security figure THAT
one out....)

"May as well update this as we wait, right? You can help, Gosunkugi,"
said Ryoga to the tied up body beside him. Well, he wasn't completely

tied-up

He was feeling better now. That really wasn't saying much, though,
since he still felt horribly depressed, confused, and upset. Something
was being done about the situation, though. Plus, he had the culprit

Suggest taking out one or the other "though" to avoid the repetition.

As far as Gosunkugi could tell, the curse had been jumbled when Kuno
had crashed the stage. Somehow that had managed to disrupt the dolls,
and they absorbed the battle auras of the other four. Gosunkugi had
even said that he had never been completely sure of what would happen,
which only served to irritate Ryoga further. So now, apparently, Akane
and Ranma were in love with Kuno and Kodachi, while the latter two
hated Ranma and Akane passionately. Ryoga wasn't sure if it was poetic
justice or ironic tragedy. But then, Ryoga had never been much of a

Suggest: But then, he had never
(already talking about Ryoga)

It had not taken them long to realize that they would need someone
versed in the dark arts, or at least battle auras and ki, to come and
help them out. The only person they could think of off-hand was
Shampoo's Great-Great-Grandmother; the Old Ghoul. Despite that this
meant involving Shampoo. It was their only hope. Ukyo had gone off in
search of her, Ryoga figured they had less then an hour before

Run-on sentence. Either start a new one at "Ryoga" or make the comma
there a semicolon.

teachers and students began arriving at the school. They hoped to at
least figure out the solution before the gym was taken over with
students and the four cursed ones had to go to school. If they could

Suggest:
was taken over by students
(or)
was overrun with students

"Oh. Well either way, I'm pretty sure her restaurant is west of here,
and that bush looks very, uh, west," said Gosunkugi helpfully.
Nodding, Ryoga marked in a small house, then wrote "Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki" in it.

UKYO: You've put my restaurant inside a bush?

RYOGA: Well, there is a precedent for it. Get my other map and I'll show
you the great location I came up with for the Keebler factory.

"Thanks. I'll get Ukyo to check it later. Ha! I'll show her I can make
good maps," He said, putting the map of Nerima away. "I wonder what's

maps," he

"Nabiki Tendo? Oh. OH. Better listen, then. She's the smart one."
Surprised, Ryoga looked at him wide eyed.

wide-eyed.

"Did you just insult Akane?"

"No, of course not! I meant...bad smart. Evil smart. Manipulative."

"Oh. Like you?" asked Ryoga.

GOSUNKUGI: Yeah. Well, except for the "smart" part.

"Join the club." Then the already falling apart stage got itself yet
another hole from Ryoga's fist.

already-falling-apart

Nice use of indirect description, BTW.

"Cologne? Shampoo? Open up! It's important!" yelled Ukyo, banging on
the front door to the Nekohanten. She stopped after a minute of no
reply, and considered her options. No one was answering. She could
look for a door in the back, which no doubt existed, or she could just

Suggest: look for a back door, which
(As written, it's the back exists, which is a little *too* no-doubt.
^_^)

"Should we help them, great-grandaughter?" Shampoo glanced at Ukyo,

Great-grandaughter?"
(capitalize when used as a name, not as in "My great-grandaughter")

"No, just loner weird. He claims he knows black magic, and voodoo. I
don't really know much about him, to be honest." Cologne frowned,
looking towards the sky.

Suggest moving Cologne's action into the next paragraph, in which she
speaks.

"Ryoga!" she called, rushing over to sit beside him and check on their
hostage. She was also relieved to be in the company of those other
then Shampoo and Cologne, now. The two amazons were definitely an itch

Suggest: Amazons
(refers to a specific tribe, so probably should be capitalized)

"Old Ghoul! It's about time," said Ryoga, earning himself a smack
across the face from the cane.

"So you...Gosunkugi, is it? Foolish boy!

GENMA: That's my line!

"Now Gosunkugi. Tell me - exactly - what you were hoping to accomplish

"Now, Gosunkugi.
(Comma, since "Gosunkugi

here. Keep in mind you are surrounded by five talented martial
artists, though it would only take one of us, half asleep on the worst

Um... Ryoga, Ukyo, Shamps, Cologne, and who else?

COLOGNE: Ryoga, Ukyo, Shampoo... that's five.

RYOGA: Three, sir!

holding them as though they were glass.

"Does this mean you can help Ranma-honey?"

"And Akane?" Cologne frowned, then looked at Gosunkugi again.

Again, Cologne's line really ought not to be in a paragraph where
someone else speaks. Look for this elsewhere.

"It shouldn't be hard to coax them into food. But don't force them to
be together if they don't want to! The more friction they cause
between themselves, the more firmly placed their battle auras will be
in the dolls." Said Cologne. But the shock of what Cologne had just

dolls," said

revealed left Ukyo immobilized. Cologne had been hiding something
important from them? Why was she only saying this now? Had it just
occurred to her, and now she was telling them as an after thought?

afterthought?

"You're a quick one, Ukyo. None of them have any fighting spirit right
now; it was all absorbed into the dolls. So they should be putty in

Hmm. If that's the problem, maybe Hinako can straighten them out.

_He let them get away! Arg. I shouldn't have trusted his judgement._
Fuming, Akane pulled her legs closer to her chest, wincing at the pain
she felt. She tried with all her might to ignore the dizziness, the
flashing of lights just out of the corners of her vision. It hurt
badly, but she was stronger then that. She knew she was.

than that.

"Well, from what I remember...you, me, Kuno and Kodachi were all

me, Kuno, and

"Why are we so weak? Every time I try and think about it, I get dizzy.
And when I tries to think, just then...I got dizzy. Something is

when I try to
(not sure if this is intentional, but it doesn't sound like something
Akane would say)

really wrong here." Her voice hollow and like that of a lost little
girl.

This sentence no verb.

_I could really go for a good Shi-Shi-Hadokan right about now._

Hokodan

It had been hard to listen to them. So hard, beyond anything she had
imagined. She always thought herself to be a firm woman, in control of
herself and of her emotions, but this scenario had proved her wrong.
Now she knew, more then ever, why she had requested that time away

>from her friend. Why she had sensed in her gut that she wasn't ready

to see him yet. Because she just wasn't. She had no idea how long she
needed, but now was not a good time. Especially not with him under a
curse, and pinning away after Kodachi. Giving him up for Akane hurt

pining

RANMA: Oh, why won't Kodachi accept my fraternity pin!

like a jagged knife, but losing to a curse...to Kodachi...it was more
then Ukyo could bare. More then once during the explanation in the

than Ukyo could bear.

(Better not quip on *this* one.... ^_^;;)

In front of them walked a girl wearing a plain blue kimono, her dark
hair combed and styled to one side of her head; occasionally she
turned back to look at the boy, then blushed, and turned back to face
front. In front of her walked a shorter girl with brown hair wearing
white pants and a pink shirt, calmly talking to a taller boy beside
her who gestured elaborately as he spoke. He wore a plain blue jacket
and black pants, suitable for fighting in. At his waist swung a wooden
sword in it's holster, unused and unnecessary for the time being.

its

This continues to be an interesting story, with good characterization.
As always, I look forward to reading more.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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