Michael A Chase wrote:

Suggested changes: {before : after}

On Sun, 03 Aug 2003 21:38:06 -0400 Mark MacKinnon <emmack@sympatico.ca> wrote:

     "Well," Gar told her, crossing his arms across his broad
chest.  "It so happens that I received an anonymous tip.  It is worth
noting, however," he went on as her expression darkened, "that the
salamander became deceased courtesy of a certain group of sailor-
suited warriors."

Hmmm.  Does he know not all were wearing sailor-suits at the time?

	Well, he's referring to the presence of sailor-suited warriors, specifically
the Outers.  The Inners weren't wearing sailor uniforms, so he wouldn't know
that they were in fact senshi.

     And she'll have to admit that you did something she couldn't,
I thought.  That might be unfair, but it seemed to me like Usagi felt
she had something to prove to this Hotaru.

They're already ahead on points since Mercury was able to locate the
Genosphere when Saturn thought it was impossible.

	Yeah, but what impressive thing have they done LATELY?

     So.  Yoshi was to bear the brunt of Gareth's anger over this
latest frustration.  Jupiter was going to be {very :} unhappy with Rin
when she found out.  Very unhappy.

I think is works better if the very is added for emphasis when unhappy
is repeated.

	Er.  I don't.

     "There were suits, too," Yu went on, ignoring Mamoru's
sarcasm.  "Commander Fuyutsi, for one.  Blessiruth was there, too.
I think they were removing something from, as our friends in the
media will doubtless say, 'the bowels of the main tower'."

The commander of the vampire taskforce was named Fuyuri in part 13.
I'm not sure if the same commander would be sheparding this, but I
would expect him to; under one of his other hats if not the vampire
taskforce one.

	I seem to be having trouble with names in this part.  Even though I could
swear I checked the spelling for both commanders and Meaghan, they all ended
up wrong.  Ooops.

     They found him standing in a small knot of people, along
with Commander Amagi and {Megan : Meaghan} Piakesti, staring at a
television in the {ward room : break room : wardroom}.

	See?

     "Indeed, my Black Rose," Saekianna said with a predatory
smile.  "I believe we have finally had a bit of good luck."

She may need to be more careful of her definition of good luck.  Yoshi
is, at most, a sideshow as far as the Sisterhood's current problems
are concerned.  Dealing with him should be deferred until after Dasma
is freed or the attempt has failed.  Even using him to catch Jupiter
would be an unexpected bonus since they think he just happened upon
the attempt to snatch Makoto.

	They tracked Makoto down through her lisence plate, remember.  By now they
know that Yoshi lives at the same address.  This would not be hard to find
out.  And he did not just stumble into an attempted kidnap and intervene, he
was clearly defending Makoto.  Vi saw that they knew each other.  If they
assume that Makoto is either a senshi or at the very least a way to get to
Usagi, then they want her.  And Yoshi potentially will know where she is. 
Saekianna may have declared that catching the senshi will have to wait, but
frankly her continued impotence in the face of the White Moon Court's power,
coupled with the fact that Usagi "stole" Rei from her, eats at her pride and
drives her to break them before the revival.

     They moved through the grounds in silence, none of them
looking forward to the coming meeting.  Venus knew that their
princess had hoped to bring something tangible to this meeting, some
valuable information from their interrogation of the captive wraith.
Now they had nothing.  No, worse than nothing; the vampiress was
aware of their interest, and of the identity of the bearer of the key.

They're going to have to let Hotaru know about the Outsider or her
help will be incomplete and misguided.  The trick is to do it in a way
that doesn't trigger an overreaction.

	Yes, it's clear that they can't keep this a secret forever, but thus far
there doesn't seem to be an effective plan for revealing Ranma's secret
without getting him in very serious trouble.


 

     As the wolf struggled fruitlessly to free himself from Banri's coils,
Saekianna flung her rose straight at Vi's captive.  With the boy as bait,
she could flush out the senshi before Baniesti arrived.  She could
finally guarantee the success of the revival.  She ...

Saekianna does seem rather given to wish fulfulment fantacies.

	She aches to be the one to redeem the Sisterhood and return it to its glory. 
The ego sometimes gets ahead of things.

     "My thanks, stranger," the wolf gasped, his gray eyes pinning
Saekianna with predatory fury.
     "Not so much a stranger, actually," the boy began.

Just thinking that Saekianna has a rather different impression of
Ranma's girl form.  She's not Ryouga though, so I wouldn't expect an
inadvertant deception to last very long.

	Maybe not, but in a world where there is no Jusenkyo, her first thought isn't
going to be, "That boy is dressed like a girl I met before.  They must be the
same person!"  She's going to need more to make the link.

     "Lily," Jupiter said softly.  Mars blinked.  Jupiter's eyes
seemed glazed, unfocussed, as they went from Yoshi's fallen form to
Saekianna.
     No.  Not Saekianna.  She was looking behind her, at ...
     "LILY!"
     Then the world exploded in light.

That's even better than "shoot the hostage", the perfect irrational
act to break the deadlock.

	It's a good thing she didn't stop to consider the consequences of her
actions.  Well, sort of a good thing ...

     "Hey," she said softly.  "Jupiter?  {I : We} need you here right now.
{We : I} need you."

I think that order would be more a powerful statement and maybe more
consistant with Moon's thought process.

	Hmmm.  You may be right about that.  She would definitely place the senshi's
needs first.

     "I can't locate them," Mercury told her, shaking her head as she
swept her visor from side to side.  "I have a theory, though.  Based on
my scans, it seems that {Banri : the whip} summoned some sort of Shadow Magick
in response to Jupiter's attack.  Rin, Neptune, Jupiter and Saturn could
have been thrown through Shadow, emerging at points nearby."

Mercury knows that that whip is not Banri.

	Yes, but it is a handy name to call it by.

     "I still don't see how that will help us locate the others,"
Pluto said as Mars prepared herself.  "Or what it has to do with
Mercury.  Surely you aren't going to tell me that she's a Shadow
Adept, too?"

It's actually surprising how many secrets the Inners kept under
Hotaru's roof.  I would have expected Hotaru to have investigated her
recruits a bit more carefully.

	Of all the things she might have learned, I would expect her to know of
Makoto's past, especially if she had a juvenile record, and most of the
mundane elements of the others'.  There are things, like Minako's cat-burglar
identity and Rei's past with the Sisterhood, that no investigation would
reveal.  Usagi's past is an open book, and Hotaru would probably know that Ami
had been taken to Inme's orphanage/school if any records had actually been
submitted.  After the Long Dark, though, there were a lot of records lost or
destroyed, and it simply wouldn't be that unusual to find people who'd grown
up during that time with little record of their pasts.  Trust would have been
in short supply for all involved, with Hotaru hiding her own secrets.  Her
main concern was the future, not the past.



 

     "Come on, Yurina," Mars said with a humourless laugh.  "I
remember all of them, every single one.  And so do you."

This makes it sound like Rei was involved in that mission, but she
didn't appear to know Makoto's story in part 9 though she did know
that Makoto had been in the Black Dragons.  Or does Rei mean she
remembers every mission?

	She means she remembers all the missions and all the people she had to screw
over.

     "Desire is a cruel mistress," Yurina said serenely.  "I have
accepted the risks that come with my life.  It is simply ironic that in
this case, I sought only selfish pleasure and instead did damage far
beyond what I could have imagined."

It actually sounds like seducing Makoto is one of the least selfish
things she'd ever done.  That's what makes all the damage it did so
ironic.

	She couldn't have hurt the girl worse had she tried.  Ther is that about
irony, it's so ... ironic.

Thanks for your comments.

Mark

--
Mac :})
Give a hobbit a fish and he eats fish for a day.
Give a hobbit a ring and he eats fish for an age.

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