"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

_It's just a lull, they'll be at each other's throats soon. And if
not...it'll just make the spell even worse._ But it was of little

GOSUNKUGI: This spell is guaranteed to work as well as Ukyo's plan of
sending them to the Cave of Lost Love!

comfort. They were still a couple, and that fact alone pained him.
Plus, he didn't even know if the plan was going to work. What if Kuno
and Kodachi didn't show up? They obviously wouldn't let him do the
spell if they didn't, since he had said the point was for it to affect
the Kunos. What if there was fighting enough to disrupt the spell? Or
it misfired, or worse, backfired? He didn't like all the if's, and
or's. If's and or's were not something that lead to a successful

ifs
ors
(apostrophes are for possessives and contractions, not plurals)

_Kodachi doesn't sound quite that sane, though...and Kuno and
Ranma...ahh, it's almost time. Need to prepare._ Reaching behind him,
he pulled out four small, doll like figures made of straw and wood. On

doll-like

In the mirror, he watched another figure walk into the room. A female
figure, in a pretty blue dress that hugged her curves, yet didn't show
much skin. It resembled her school dress in shade, but the top wasn't
jumper style; Akane didn't need to wear a white blouse underneath it.
It was almost Chinese style, with it's silk covered buttons, high

its

He himself had no real qualms about it, despite how passionately Akane
had debated the issue earlier. Beating on them was a means to an end;
he went along with her plan A to keep her quiet, mostly. Kuno and
Kodachi weren't being badly hurt, or killed, or changed. They were
just being...cursed. _Yeah, one of them good curses Saotome?_ He heard 

curses, Saotome?_ he

His instincts were yelling at him, and Akane had only fed them more
fuel. The dry voice in his head had been right to comment; he knew
this was risky. They both knew it was risky, and probably stupid. Then
again, it wouldn't be the first time they had been at risk for
something. Both him and Akane had risked their lives many a time, and

Both he and Akane had

"Don't worry mom, we'll be fine," said Ranma confidently. Without

worry, Mom,

giving chance for anyone else to see them, Ranma took Akane's hand and
lead her out of the house. The sound of the door closing behind them

led her

When they got to the gym, about ten minutes before the Kunos were due
to show up, they first went to the covered hole in the stage to make
sure Gosunkugi was there and that everything was going well. Akane
felt at least partially relieved that everything was on target so far.
She could only see Gosunkugi's face through the mesh, but his eyes
looked confident, something that seemed rare on him. Ranma once again
made him reassure them that this would only affect Kodachi and Kuno,
and do nothing more then make sure they didn't want to be around Ranma
and Akane. She didn't know if he was doing this for her benefit or his
own, but she appreciated it. After a quick exchange of murmured well
wishing, they took their places. Akane went to the front of the gym,

well-wishing,

"I'm in here Kuno! Hurry up, I don't like waiting." _Like he needs

here, Kuno!

(Look for this sort of thing in a lot of places below; I'll stop
pointing out each instance.)

"Oh Akane! To stir such passion...you are surely a woman in the full
bloom of love!" He said, recovering from the other side of the room

he said,
(look for this one elsewhere as well)

fast," said Ranma, feeling a few beads of sweat form on his forehead.
The black haired gymnastics expert took a step towards him, swaying

black-haired

about taking things slow!" she said, lunging at him. Back flipping out

Back-flipping

"Part of my plan," said Ranma, jumping up as Kuno came at him.
Unleashing a fury of blows on Kuno, he was kept in the air from the
sheer force of them, punch after punch after punch. Kuno was pushed
back from the assault, the blows to his face, shoulders, chest and
neck too much to handle. Landing, Ranma turned in a round house kick,

roundhouse

"Well that's what he said, he doesn't know. I don't think he's
actually done this before, Ranma," Akane confessed. Ranma could feel
the whole plan crashing down on them. Something in the back of his
head screamed 'I told you so!' mockingly; his very aura tingled and
crackled, as he looked at Akane's face. Disappointment shone true
there, and confusion. And worry. Great, horrible, world ending worry.

world-ending

"Hey! Hey, wait! Hibiki! I went to all that trouble to get you to wake
up, and you won't even listen to me?" called a voice behind him.
Stopping at the porch, Ryoga turned around to see Nabiki standing at
the doorway. She waggled a finger at him, as though to get him to come
closer. Ryoga first tried to take a step back, but Nabiki shook her
head.

"No, come HERE. Forward. I'm not going to hurt you," she said. Ryoga
eyed her suspiciously.

RYOGA: Yes, I *meant* to come forward, but being a Hibiki and all....

"Huh? Oh, I sort of pieced it together. You know, you'd dissapear,

disappear,

"That jerk! He swore he wouldn't tell...feh, he's so weak with women,"
Ryoga shook his head distastefully, "And just because you do know,
doesn't mean you get to call me that. My name is Ryoga. Only one
person is allowed to call me P-chan," he declared, wondering grimly

RANMA: That would be me.

RYOGA: No it wouldn't!

"Sorry. Truce?" she asked. Something in her voice made it's way

its

"I know." Was all she said, and the two of them jogged faster.

know," was

"Ranma! Oh god, what happened here?" she cried, rushing to kneel by

Oh gods,
(or)
Oh God,
(if you insist on making Ukyo a Judeo-Christian)

"Cause what I'M seeing is Ranma-honey and Akane looking incredibly
distressed over the fact that Kodachi and Kuno are not waking up! That
can't be right, can it?" asked Ukyo, panicking. _Oh god, I'm losing
it...I am SO losing it..._ She hadn't really thought she was seeing
something different then Rygao. Well, not really. But nothing

than Ryoga.

RYOGA: This can only be the work of that dreaded supervillain... ANAGRAM
MAN!

UKYO: Anagram man?! Ho, this!

"Snap out of it!" he said, shaking her enough that Ukyo stopped
gripping on his shirt. The tears slowed, and she looked back over to
where Ranma was. A_rg, why is he holding that she-demon so close to

_Arg,

him? If it was at least Akane, it wouldn't be so bad, but Kodachi?_
Still unable to process, her head began to throb. Before she could
turn back to Ryoga, though, Kodachi stirred.

"Ara...?" she said, opening her large, black eyes, "Ranma!" she said

You misspelled "Huh...?" Also need a period after "eyes" instead of the
comma.

"I was only doing what they wanted!" he said defensively. Gosunkugi
was a mess; his clothes were rumpled, large, dark bags hung under his
eyes, and a nasty cut graced his forehead. Sitting down in front of

The eyes, at least, are perfectly normal for him. :)

When Gos got dragged into the action, I suspected that the chapter might
end with the spell cancelling his crush on Akane and doing nothing else.
Though that would've been poetic justice, I'm glad it didn't happen that
way, as there's still a lot of potential for this particular plotline.

Ukyo's conflict between wanting to keep her promise and to help a friend
who might be in trouble was a nice touch. Though I think she probably
came to the right conclusion a little too easily. Knowing how easily
misunderstandings arise between these people, and especially considering
the notes that had been sent to the Kunos, I'd expect her to jump to the
conclusion, at least at first, that Ranma and Akane actually *do* like
the Kunos.

Considering the great job you've done making the other characters
sympathetic without soft-pedaling their faults, it's a shame you can't
do the same for the Kunos. I don't mean that you should moderate their
behavior, but I would like to see some hints of what's driving them
underneath, some indication that they have understandable motivations
for doing what they do.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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