The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
At long last, here's the fourth chapter of Ranmadate. I apologise for the
delay, and will try to get the future chapters out in a more timely fashion.
Excelent!
I've neither read, nor even heard of the previous chapters, but I seem
to recall myself owing you some C&C. Also, the whole, 'six months of
work lost' thing, and so on... let's hope that I can offer some
constructive comments.
DISCLAIMERS, APOLOGIES, and RAMBLING
The following is a highly contrived piece of shite.
The following highly contrived piece of shite is based on characters from
Ranma 1/2 and other series.
Appropriate disclaimers will be posted at the beginning of each chapter.
Extreme suspension of disbelief is recommended for reading this story, as
many facets of reality are being disregarded in favour of the highly
contrived plot.
Feedback is encouraged. Flames are pointless, as the author is a flaming
retard.
...wait a minute, that isn't right. o.O;;
Ranma 1/2 is the property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan, Viz, and other
corporate entities who are not me.
Azumanga Daioh is the property of Azuma Kiyohiko, Dengeki Comics, ADV, and
other corporate entities who are not me.
I think I've heard of this series, but that's about it -- I'm afraid
I'll be largely in the dark, but... hey. Grammar, right?
No infringement is intended, no profit is being made, and I make no claims
of ownership to anything here except my own original characters.
And for my own disclaimer: My suggestions are just that; suggestions.
Take them, leave them, fry them up with some shrimp in scampi sauce and
serve them to the local ne'er do wells as ye will.
"I put your name in too, by the way," the brown-haired woman slurred.
Heh.
And so, that night, as she went to sleep, her mind filled with images of
beautiful wedding gowns, a church full of flowers and all her friends and
family, her favourite students in bridesmaids' dresses...
An elipses that terminates a sentence should contain four periods, not
three. Woot. I got a (potentially) useful comment in.
CHAPTER FOUR:
ONNA-GUY, TEACHER
HAH! Okay, now that's clever. ;)
"Well, young Master Urameshi was quite set against his mother dating someone
your age--he seemed to feel it was inappropriate. So he, err..."
"He didn't do nothin' to his mom, did he?" Ranma asked, looking shocked.
"Oh, no, sir. He did, however, destroy one of our limousines."
"..."
This part works, and fits in (this is all entirely stylistic, by the
way, so you can ignore me completely, if you want), but I think that the
whole "...." is from the era of the script format fics. We understand
it, and we know what it means, but it lacks the potential of a
written-description of Ranma's blank stare with tumbleweeds, blowing
wind in an otherwise intense silence, etc.... Or you could leave it as
it is; the point still does get across.
Ranma shrugged. "Okay, cool. I guess I'm gonna watch some TV until we hear
back from Kuroboshi then."
"Very good, sir."
This exchange amuses me greatly.
The phone rang.
"Moshi-moshi?"
"..."
"Yes."
"..."
"Yes..."
"..."
"Today?"
"..."
"Well...I mean...it's awful sudden..."
"..."
"I didn't say that! I mean--I--alright. Yes."
"..."
"Alright."
"..."
"Thank you."
"..."
"Goodbye."
Click.
Hmm. I'm not sure about this scene. Trying to describe her face or
reaction to each pause might actually just draw out the scene
pointlessly -- here you've probably got the better idea of how to handle it.
But those elipses terminate their phrases, and so should contain four
periods instead of three.
As the butler retreated to his quarters, Ranma sized up the woman before
him. She was quite obviously older than himself, though certainly not too
much older, and quite attractive. She had short blue-black hair (which
caused Ranma a brief twinge of discomfort), bright, alert dark eyes, and a
trim, athletic figure. She was wearing tan slacks and a light peach-coloured
blouse, and looked somewhat nervous and overwhelmed.
I'm going to have to find the previous chapters of this fic....
"No kiddin'!" Ranma said, popping two bites of chicken and a whole water
chestnut in his mouth. "Man, I wish th' gym teachers at some o' th' schools
I've gone to had been as pretty as you."
My, he's certainly changed.
"Heh." Ranma paused. "Well, ain't much t' tell. I'm a martial artist, been
trainin' with my pop all my life, had a bunch o' crazy, stupid stuff happen
t'me that'd take too long t' tell about an' you probably wouldn't believe me
anyway..." He shrugged. "An' then one day, this old rich guy dies, leaves me
everythin' he owns, I ain't never met him or nothin' like that, ain't
related--but I gotta get married t' get th' money an' stuff. Not that I care
that much about bein' rich," he added. "I got other reasons for goin' along
with this whole thing."
Elipses.
The gym teacher smiled. "That sounds like fun." She paused. "Though I'm not
exactly dressed for it..."
And again.
As Kuromaki departed, Minamo stared after him. "I don't know if I could ever
get used to that," she said.
Ranma shrugged. "You can get used ta anythin' after a while...trust me."
Extra newline.
"Oh, and you have a pool too!"
pool too -- pool, too
Finally, Ranma shot a three-pointer for the win, and turned to the
dark-haired woman, grinning. "You're pretty good alright," he said.
good alright -- good, alright
"Err..." Ranma coughed. "Well..."
Elipses.
The redhead took a deep breath. "There's a place in China called
Jusenkyo..."
Elipses.
Ranma perused the rack beside her. "Lotsa choices here. Hmm, this one's my
size. This one too. So's--" She paused. "Hey, wait a sec. These are ALL my
size!"
*snicker*
Ranma looked over at her. Minamo was holding a one-piece swimsuit that was
half blue and half black, divided by a diagonal double white stripe across
the torso which crossed the left breast. She nodded. "Not bad." She turned
back to her own rack of swimsuits, grumbling under her breath, before
pulling out a bright red suit with "WILD CHERRY" across the front in big
pink letters. "I'll take this one." She looked around the room, musing,
"Yanno, I could use a lotta this stuff next time I hafta play th' girl
game."
'Yanno'? Is that 'Ya know'?
Then shrieked and laughed as she felt the swim coach tickling her feet
underwater. She splashed around a bit, laughing, then dropped underwater,
evading the tickle attack. She spotted Minamo underwater and gave her an
evil grin, then charged toward her...
More elipses. I'll leave this as the last comment on them, though.
The pigtailed boy shook his head. "It really creeps me out when he does
that," he muttered.
I'm getting Sister Princess flashbacks.
"Sometimes I think my life is strange, but now..." Minamo laughed. Her
cheeks were turning quite pink. "Yeah, I got Yukari for a friend, and she's
a mess, but..." She sipped her champagne again. "The kids at school are a
little weird too, but I can't imagine not having them around. But those
girls will be graduating this year..." She sighed, then smiled. "We go on
summer holiday with them, you know? Yukari and me. One of our girls has a
summer beach home, and we go there every year. But she's gonna go to America
for college, so we may not get to go again."
I'm guessing this is powerful champagne.
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, most'a th' teachers I know don't know what fun is
anymore. Except one, but she's a total nutcase. Actually," he frowned
thoughtfully, "She teaches English too. Maybe it's just English teachers who
are weird, huh?"
thoughtfully, "She -- thoughtfully, "she
After dinner, Ranma escorted Minamo out to the limousine. "I had a really
good time today, Ranma-kun," Minamo said.
I was wrong!
Minamo started to get into the car, but paused, a pensive look on her face.
She suddenly leaned forward and gave Ranma a brief, chaste kiss, then waved.
"Goodnight, Ranma-kun."
Or maybe not.
Inside, Minamo giggled, then flopped down on her bed, fully-dressed.
"Goodnight, Ranma-kun," she muttered sleepily, hiccoughing slightly.
Bwahaha! I was kind of right.
RATE THIS DATE!
Votes will be collected until the end of the Ranmadate project. Thanks for
reading!
Fascinating. I'll have to get my hands on the prior chapters, then....
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END OF DAY 4 -- RANMADATE
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Alrighty. I think it was interesting, and to judge by the comments
prefacing your work, it probably came out about the way you wanted it
to, as well. I enjoyed it, it flowed well....
Hmmm. I think in some places the story relies rather heavily on
dialogue, but that's not really a bad thing, since it moves the story
along. Come to think of it, I'm having a hard time coming up with
something critical about it.
Curse my suspension of disbelief. Ah, well. Looking forward to more!