"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

"Here Ranma," he heard Akane say, then turned to see her sitting at

"Here, Ranma,"

RANMA: Woof!

AKANE: Oh, now we've done it. A "Ranma as a dog" joke. Now hordes of
Ranma fanboys are going to be complaining about this for ages on end.

RANMA: I didn't even know I *had* hordes of fanboys.

AKANE: Your female form does.

It made him feel like a big jerk, but there wasn't much he could do
about it, except keep his promise. As much as possible, he was going
to avoid her. Only in class was it not possible to be far. But even
then, he could at least not look at her or talk to her. _If she's
planning on being here to not talk to, anyway. So close to exams,
too...and the end of the year._ Noticing that Akane was still watching
him from her seat, he leaned back and looked up to the white tiled

white-tiled

"We'll talk about this later," said Akane, before turning and taking
her seat. Sighing, Ranma leaned back again, looking out the window on
the side of the room. It was starting to get cloudier outside now. _I
hope it doesn't rain._ That would be the last thing I'd need, he
thought, looking back to the front as Ms. Urashima began role call.

roll call

RANMA: Who's playing me in today's class?

_Feh, amateurs. Did they really think showing up at their wedding and
trying to break them up was going to work?_ He scowled, looking at his
notebook. I wasn't even invited. Probably doesn't even know I exist,

Shouldn't that first-person part be inside _underlines?_

"A n-note. Just read it. It's to help. I swear," he replied nervously,
trying to move forward again. With a low grunt, Ranma released him,
then moved the note quickly underneath other papers. His heart beat
fast, and he struggled to maintain his composure in the classroom. No
one was looking at him, yet. Ms. Urashima was reading aloud from the
text, most of her students listening or at least pretending to listen.
As usual, no one paid attention to the awkward black haired boy, who

black-haired

"It's probably some sorta trap. I don't like the way he says "getting
rid of", either. It doesn't sound right," he said, shaking his head.

says 'getting rid of,'
(Generally, single quote marks are used for quotes within quotes.)

Heading downstairs, they followed the crowd of noisy, restless
students down the hall. It was like a sea of students, changing
classes.

Actually, IIRC, in Japan it's the *teachers* who change classes, while
the students remain in the same room. (If anyone wants to comment on a
minor point like this, *please* either include a general review of the
fic or mail privately. Thanks.)

"So you don't want to go?" she asked, looking up at him. Ukyo and the
promise were now forgotten, since this new curiosity had unfolded
further. The tone of the note certainly didn't sound friendly towards
the others, which was most likely Kuno, Kodachi, and Shampoo. A crease

Suggest: likely Tatewaki, Kodachi, and
(or)
likely the Kunos and
(Kodachi is also a Kuno)

"Turn him down? Well...yes, I suppose. I still don't think it's that
necessary, though. And what do I say? It's not like he's even spoken
to me more then three times. If that," she said, trying to remember
the times. There was one time when he had been in leagues with Kuno

"in league with" is the usual expression (unless this is a US/UK
language difference that I'm not aware of)

"Dunno. I've seen him get all scowly and self-loathing when we're
getting along. We'd only have to show 'im that you have no plans to go
to him. But hey, I gotta run now. Meet me at the statue between the
girls and boys locker rooms after class, okay?" he said, stopping for

girls' and boys' locker

a moment to wait for her answer, his feet already wanting to be gone.
Gym was, without a doubt, Ranma's favourite class. Aside from maybe
lunch.

AKANE: Lunch isn't a class.

RANMA: Really? I was hoping it would bring up my average.

"Sure, I'll see you then," said Akane, heading off away from him. _Why
did I immediately think he meant...arg, damn you Ranma. I shouldn't

you, Ranma.

"Oh come on Akane, it's not like we're little girls anymore. We're

come on, Akane,

"Way to go Akane!" said a girl whose name she couldn't place, as Akane

go, Akane!"

"Last I checked, I've been 'off the market' for two years. But you
have a point, it's not like all of the guys took it seriously," said
Akane, as they sprinted off to join the rest of their class.
_Especially not Kuno. I was hoping I could get rid of him, but he just
had to go and fail his final year._ She had a suspicion that he had
done that on purpose; it was one of the few things her and Ranma

things she and Ranma

Further away was Gosunkugi, looking towards the girls side. _What's

girls'

"Akane, heads up!" She heard a female voice yell. Obeying, she turned

she (no caps)

As the lunch bell was ringing, Ranma was walking casually out of the
boys gym, changed back into his earlier outfit. When he got to the

boys'

"Think of anything?" Asked Akane, looking energized from gym.

asked (no caps)

"Odd how quickly word gets around, here," said Akane casually, looking
over the rail to the students on the front lawn of the school, "I was

school. "I
(Even if you only had the dialog, you'd still have to start a new
sentence at the "I".)

"Doesn't bother me, if that's all it is," she replied, "I wonder where
Gosunkugi is. It's been lunch time for long enough." Ranma noticed the
quick change in subject, and accepted it. Despite their being
official, there had not really been much talking between the two about
what being official meant. So far, things had stayed the same, except
for their one new mission. Assigned by Akane's father. Sure, they were
less volatile to each other, and there had even been new things, such
as apologies where before there wouldn't be, and more respect for each
other. Apparently, though, neither were going to take any other steps,

neither was going

and neither had even tried to talk about it with the other. Ranma had
just figured things between them would evolve on it's own, or Akane

its

"He disappeared during gym class. Maybe getting some of those weird
voodoo dolls, or some other trap," he began. Suddenly realizing that
the traps could already be laid, he turned around, gesturing to the
bench, "Hey, you shouldn't sit there. Come over here, there might be a
trap," he said, suddenly worried. It was certainly not below Gosunkugi
to set up a trap for them, though it would be aimed at Ranma, not
Akane. He didn't want her to be hit by accident, though. _Unless he's
trying to kidnap her...heh, like he could pull that off. Akane would
beat him to a pulp before he got two feet._

Actually, he did manage that briefly, during the Romeo and Juliet thing.

"H-hello Akane," he said, smiling at her.

"H-hello, Akane,"

"So what's this plan you have? Something to do with that bag, right?"
Asked Ranma, snatching it away from Gosunkugi, much to his obvious

asked (no caps)

"Ranma! Careful, you don't know what's in there," said Akane, though
she didn't try to grab it back like he thought she would, "Besides,

would. "Besides,

"Do you want me to help you or not?" Asked Gosunkugi, holding his bag

asked (no caps)

"No killing, no changing into animals, no sending them to hospitals.
Got that?" said Ranma, turning back to Gosunkugi. Out of the corner of
his eye, he saw Akane relax.

Aren't they dubious as to his being able to curse anybody at all?

"No, no! Of course not. It's a one way curse. But I...I'll need your
help to set it up. If Kuno and Kodachi somehow grow a brain and find
out what I'm doing, they could wreck it before we get anywhere. Black
magic is...very delicate, and some of the ingredients required are
hard to find," he explained, his eyes moving from side to side
nervously. Ranma was reminded of a small dog, looking uncertainly up
at uninterested masters. Would they praise him for the idea? Or blow
him off as usual?

Nice descriptive metaphor, but....

I'm not sure what to think here. In thirty-eight volumes of original
series, Gos never showed any knowledge of or ability at any sort of
magic, despite being in lots of situations where he likely would've used
it if he'd had it. The only magic he ever did was his paper dolls, an
item that from all appearances took no particular skill to use. I could
believe that he's just bluffing here and doesn't actually know anything
about black magic. I could possibly believe that he's just recently
learned something about it, if you're going to eventually show us enough
of how it happened to make it convincing.

The bigger problem with this, though, is Ranma and Akane's quiet
acceptance of Gos' talent. Not only is it inconsistent with the original
series, but it doesn't seem to jibe with what you've shown in this fic.
Ranma's attitude toward Gos in this whole series has been don't worry
about him, because he can't accomplish anything significant anyway.
While this is entirely appropriate if we're dealing with canon
Gosunkugi, or if Ranma *thinks* he's dealing with canon Gosunkugi, it
doesn't make much sense for a Gos who's a known spell-caster. While
throwaway magic items abound in the Ranmaverse, we've never seen
*anyone* cast a spell. If Gos were to have this ability, then he *would*
be worth paying attention to, even if he wasn't particularly good or
successful at it.

"Absolutely! My spells never fail," he bragged, sitting up straighter.
_Feh, I've seen 'em fail before.

Huh? When has he seen them at all?

"Works for me." Said Ranma.

me," said

Well, apart from my quibbles above on Gosunkugi's portrayal, I like the
way this is going. The plot and tension are thickening, and an enemy
posing as an ally promises some good intrigue ahead.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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