I'll start posting these comments to the ffml, so others can
see too.

Okay, part 5 was quite good, I enjoyed the elaboration of what
it's like to be a man in an Amazon society. I'm not sure if it's
common to portray Mousse this way in Ranma fanfiction in
general, but it fit in my mind anyway.

One thing. Although I'm sure most people understand
japanese words placed in fanfics, you need to be careful that
it's words that are commonly used enough that people will get.
I can understand chan/san/sama/kun, and a few words like
oneechan, oniichan, etc, but when you get into words describing
techniques, I have trouble. The words for techniques such as
The Breaking Point (Kachuu Tenshi Amaguriken...I think)
don't stick in my mind because they're long and hard to pronounce,
and I don't generally know what technique is being talked about
unless it's described. The only thing I can get out of that is that
Tenshi *can* mean heaven, or angels, or something to that extent.

I went against this once in my own fic, and wrote out
shi-shi-hadokan once, but that's because it's short enough and I
had no idea how to translate that into english. ^-^ I'm not
saying you should change this in this fic, but keep it in mind
for future fanfics.

Anyway, onto part 6:

But she alone knew the way there.

-- Umm, don't Ranma and Akane know the way? Or have they not
learned this yet? Both of them are able to get there, and do go there,
in the manga. The whole plotline with Ryoga's "sister" ^-^ I'm assuming
that it's early enough in the timeline that they just didn't get a chance to
learn where he lives, though Ranma should have known before Ryoga
even gets cursed.

Many roads in Tokyo, she had to admit,
were narrow, one-way, unnamed, and had no street numbers.

-- Uh-oh. There are no street numbers or names in most of Tokyo? Well.
That messes up my mental image of the place. Oh well, learn something
new every day.

Small ones like that were easy - even Kasumi
could 'use' them. Her father had insisted on giving a minimum of Tendo
style Anything-Goes to all his daughters, though only Akane had
broadened that knowledge and put it into general use. Or abuse,
depending on how one looked at it.

-- Good explanation for the mallet thing.

"Okasaan always buys stuff in English. Here's one in Japanese."

-- Ahh, here's an example. Not really a fault of yours, but...what is
Okasaan? Father? Mother? It looks like is should be Okaasan, though
since there is Oneechan, Oniisan, etc.

-- I like how his parents take books home for him to read, and his
roundabout way of being "homeschooled".

"How does a dog get herself on the seven o'clock news?"

-- Because the writers of Ranma 1/2 can get away with anything ^-^

Overcome by immediate curiosity, he checked to see if she had

layered them, but found that it was purely ornamental, and that there
was only one.

-- Seems to be an odd thing for Ryoga to do at this point...but he IS
easily distracted.

Nabiki noticed the dogs had fled to the safety of the house and that

Shirokuro was watching things unfold with the canine version of a look
of trepidation, while slowly nudging the back door closed. ...Smart
Dog.

-- Haha. Very nice.

*****

-- As for the charts on the bottom giving strengths and such, I would
put Akane's strength higher. At least an 8, at the start. This is the girl
who
breaks cement with her fists, can launch Ranma (or anyone else) into the
air with a punch, and can defeat a school of boys with punches and kicks
and send them flying. I'd also up her endurance by 1. But that's just me.
I've always seen Akane as being just slightly less strong then female
Ranma.

-- I don't think you need to defend your ideas on Ryoga so much, I think
it works out just fine if the reader simply keeps in mind that this is a
Ryoga
who has accepted that he can't have Akane, and has dedicated himself
to the Art. I've been recently rewatching the first season of Ranma, and
Ryoga is bang on. When Akane's hair gets cut, Ryoga is basically saying
"so what? her hair didn't get cut." It's only after a few minutes of seeing
that
she's in shock that he concedes, and says she can hit him to make her feel
better. What you're writing is definitely an ealier, further hardened and
trained Ryoga. He IS super-strong, but his ability to get lost is what
balances his strength.


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