-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com
[mailto:ffml-bounce@anifics.com] On Behalf Of Denise Cameron
Sent: Saturday, July 05, 2003 11:18 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C][FFML][Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction] New:
"Learning Curve" part 5 and 6
I'll start posting these comments to the ffml, so others can see too.
Okay, part 5 was quite good, I enjoyed the elaboration of
what it's like to be a man in an Amazon society. I'm not sure
if it's common to portray Mousse this way in Ranma fanfiction
in general, but it fit in my mind anyway.
One thing. Although I'm sure most people understand
japanese words placed in fanfics, you need to be careful that
it's words that are commonly used enough that people will
get. I can understand chan/san/sama/kun, and a few words like
oneechan, oniichan, etc, but when you get into words
describing techniques, I have trouble. The words for
techniques such as The Breaking Point (Kachuu Tenshi
Amaguriken...I think) don't stick in my mind because they're
long and hard to pronounce, and I don't generally know what
technique is being talked about unless it's described. The
only thing I can get out of that is that Tenshi *can* mean
heaven, or angels, or something to that extent.
The problem with the technique names is that in most cases, the literal
translation is absolutely ridiculous. The Amaguriken (Literally "Chestnut
Fist"), the Hiryuu Shoten Ha ("Dragon Ascension Wave/Blast") and the Bakusai
Tenketsu ("Breaking Point Technique") aren't *that* bad - but these are all
from fairly early in the Manga. Take a good look at the Yamasenken/Umisenken
maneuvers - are these *really* battlecries you'd want to be caught shouting?
"Body Carp Wave"
"Demon God Assault Bomb"
"Fierce Tiger Opening Gates Blow"
"Poison Snake Deep Blow Hole"
"Deep Sea Demon Wrap"
"Body Defense Shooting Star Cloth"
"Demon God Big Mad Dance"
"Golden Cord Tight Binding Snare"
"In The Pocket Round Hug Death"
I think a lot of author's would rather go to the trouble of writing the
Japanese names to avoid the embarrasment...
(Except Jim Bader. Check the "Senken" chapters (in the low 100's) of Nabiki
1/2 to se some really ridiculous technique names...)
I went against this once in my own fic, and wrote out
shi-shi-hadokan once, but that's because it's short enough
and I had no idea how to translate that into english. ^-^ I'm
not saying you should change this in this fic, but keep it in
mind for future fanfics.
Shi Shi Hokodan = "Roaring Lion Bullet"
Moko Takabisha = "Fierce Tiger Domineering". I've also seen it translated as
"Fierce Tiger Projectile", which if correct is probably better.
Anyway, onto part 6:
But she alone knew the way there.
-- Umm, don't Ranma and Akane know the way? Or have they not
learned this yet? Both of them are able to get there, and do
go there, in the manga. The whole plotline with Ryoga's
"sister" ^-^ I'm assuming that it's early enough in the
timeline that they just didn't get a chance to learn where he
lives, though Ranma should have known before Ryoga even gets cursed.
This gets explained later on.
Many roads in Tokyo, she had to admit,
were narrow, one-way, unnamed, and had no street numbers.
-- Uh-oh. There are no street numbers or names in most of
Tokyo? Well. That messes up my mental image of the place. Oh
well, learn something new every day.
If I'm not *totally* mistaken, Japan has fairly small postal code zones.
They'd have to - either that or the mail is seriously screwed up for the
first few weeks every time there's a new mailman...
It does make it somewhat of a nightmare to try and find anywhre you haven't
been before, though.
Small ones like that were easy - even Kasumi
could 'use' them. Her father had insisted on giving a
minimum of Tendo
style Anything-Goes to all his daughters, though only Akane had
broadened that knowledge and put it into general use. Or abuse,
depending on how one looked at it.
-- Good explanation for the mallet thing.
And the best part is that there is dupport in the Manga for it - though the
first ever mallet in the Manga was one of Kodachi's toys.
"Okasaan always buys stuff in English. Here's one in Japanese."
-- Ahh, here's an example. Not really a fault of yours,
but...what is Okasaan? Father? Mother? It looks like is
should be Okaasan, though since there is Oneechan, Oniisan, etc.
It'd take more than the shifting of a letter to make *this* unrecognizable
as the word for "mother"... But it *was* spelled incorrectly. "Father" would
be "otousan". As someone else already wrote, be careful with this,
especially with obasan/obaasan.
-- I like how his parents take books home for him to read,
and his roundabout way of being "homeschooled".
"How does a dog get herself on the seven o'clock news?"
-- Because the writers of Ranma 1/2 can get away with anything ^-^
Writer, singular. And the answer is "connections"...
Overcome by immediate curiosity, he checked to see if she had
layered them, but found that it was purely ornamental, and
that there was only one.
-- Seems to be an odd thing for Ryoga to do at this
point...but he IS easily distracted.
Most of Ryoga's direction problem is actually the other way around - he
focuses too hard on something, and doesn't let such niggling details as
where he's going and where he is - and what's in the way - distract him.
That's why he gets lost...
-- As for the charts on the bottom giving strengths and such,
I would put Akane's strength higher. At least an 8, at the
start. This is the girl who breaks cement with her fists, can
launch Ranma (or anyone else) into the air with a punch, and
can defeat a school of boys with punches and kicks and send
them flying. I'd also up her endurance by 1. But that's just
me. I've always seen Akane as being just slightly less strong
then female Ranma.
-- I don't think you need to defend your ideas on Ryoga so
much, I think it works out just fine if the reader simply
keeps in mind that this is a Ryoga who has accepted that he
can't have Akane, and has dedicated himself to the Art. I've
been recently rewatching the first season of Ranma, and Ryoga
is bang on. When Akane's hair gets cut, Ryoga is basically
saying "so what? her hair didn't get cut." It's only after a
few minutes of seeing that she's in shock that he concedes,
and says she can hit him to make her feel better. What you're
writing is definitely an ealier, further hardened and trained
Ryoga. He IS super-strong, but his ability to get lost is
what balances his strength.
I don't know, really. I never liked Ryoga much, in any incarnation. Sure, he
got the short straw with the curses, but both of them are almost entirely
due to his own mentality - and it's a mentality I really loathe. The problem
with this fic, IMO, is that up to where I've read, it's only gotten worse -
the canon Ryoga could at least be made to grow up, with a liberal enough
application of clue stick. This one is so far along that the only stick big
enough would be an "earth"-scale baseball bat, for all his "maturity".
But I'll keep reading...
SP
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