Doing a comprehensive MST/commentary for this one chapter took much longer than it should have.  But still and all, I enjoyed the doing and I hope you do too.

-murmur the fallen
long absent poster . . . 


-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: mst.txt
-- Desc: mst.txt

[MURMUR: Hello, and welcome once more to Psuedo-Evangelical Babylon Theatre 4 4/5.  I am, as always, MURMUR THE FALLEN.  And with me today are two special guest co-hosts, Kuonji Ukyo and Mizuno Ami.  Hello, ladies.
UKYO: Hey.
AMI: Hello.
MURMUR: Today we'll be reviewing Chapter Six of Wheel of Anime by Mr. John Biles.  I believe that both of you are familar with him?
UKYO: Familiar?  Yeah, I guess you could say that.
MURMUR: And I think that you both have something to say about Wheel of Anime?
UKYO: You better believe that, bucko!  I am incredibly pissed off!  Me, forced into the role of best friend from childhood!  Me!  And who's to be *my* romantic interest in this series?  Nuriko!  I've had enough cross-dresssers in my life, thank you very much!
AMI: And I appear to be entirely relegated to a most minor role, Biles-san.
MURMUR: Okay, on to the fic!  But first, a few comments.  I have noticed a trend in the past few chapters in regards to names.  At times, Emond's Field is used, then Nerima.  And you seem to be confused as to whether it is Manetherin or not.  And so on.  And, by the way, I wonder if you should either change the name of the SubNazis or "subin."  Too much connection for a group that hates channelling.  And, yes, I realize that they're against Carl Macek, so perhaps you should reconsider the "subin" and "dubin" part?
AMI: Tenchi Hawkwings was inspired, however.
UKYO: Yeah . . . platonic best friend, my foot.  I mean, we don't even get to be friends that sleep together, either.  I guess this means that there won't be a four-way with Ranchan, Mako-chan, Haruka and me.
AMI: Eh?
UKYO: Uh, n-nothing!  Nothing!
MURMUR: And onto the fic.  Please.]

Wheel of Anime: Book 1 - The Eye of God
Chapter Six: The Caemlyn Shuffle

By John Biles

http://www.thekeep.org/~wombat/Jordan/


********

"Is it just me, or is Nanami acting weird lately?" Kurz asked
Ranma-chan.

[UKYO: Define "lately."  Any girl that'd spend all her time trying to sell box lunches in the most inappropriate situations has a few screws loose.
MURMUR: As opposed to okinomiyaki?
UKYO: Okinomiyaki goes with everything and with every occaison.  It's the perfect food.]

"Weird is you insisting I come with you as a woman. I seem to
have my health back, so it's not like I need to stay female for the
medicine to work," Ranma-chan said.

[MURMUR: Kurz just likes ogling Ranma-chan behind her back.  And before her front, too.
UKYO: Yes, well, that's pretty much a given, isn't it?
AMI: You know, that's a very common mistake.  People seem to think that as soon as they're feeling better, they should stop taking the medicine prescribed to them by very hard working doctors, doctors who have dedicated their lives to making people feel better.  Doctors who have sacrificed every other relationship in their lives for their career--nay, holy calling!  Doctors who have psychologically crippled their children by their constant emotional absence, as well their physical absence!  (Breaks down crying.)  Oh, mommy, why didn't you love me?
MURMUR: . . . gee, we seem to have hit a sore spot, there.
AMI: *sniff* Oh, and Ranma is surprisingly erudite.
UKYO: At least the "Rand" character is speaking halfway like a human being instead of robot.  So there's some tradeoff.]

"I told them you were a woman. And the innkeeper thinks so too."

[MURMUR: I wonder how that came up?
AMI: In as forced a manner as possible, I would imagine.]

"And you're afraid they'll dump you for me if I show up as a guy,"
Ranma-chan said.

[AMI: Who are "they"?]

"Yea..no! That's not it at all!"

[UKYO: Well, Ranchan is damn sexy.  Mmm . . .]

Ranma-chan laughed. "Well, Nanami has been acting a little
strange. She wanders around half-naked and I think she might have been
hitting on me last night, even though I was a woman."

[MURMUR: Oh, well, I guess that's a *little* strange.  Not a lot, but a little.  I suppose wandering around half-naked and not hitting on Ranma would be stranger.
AMI: Neither Ranma nor Rand were known for their forthcoming sexual nature, nor for describing women as "half-naked" or "hitting on" anyone.  Out of character for both?  Yes.  But seeing as how it's a Biles fic, we shall ignore it.]

"She hasn't hit on me," Kurz said.

[MURMUR: You know, I wonder if Kurz is going to demonstrate his sharpshooting ability in this fic.]

"That's because she has taste," Ranma-chan said.

[UKYO: Yeah, and it's all in her mouth.]

"Hardeharhar," Kurz replied.

[AMI: (as Ranma-chan) Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.
UKYO: Dee dum, dee dum.
MURMUR: You know, I think that this beginning would have benefitted from some scene setting.  It's a bit bare for a beginning of a chapter.]

They soon reached the palace. Kurz bowed to the guards and said,
"Princesses Nuriko and Usagi are expecting us."

[UKYO: Grrrrr . . .
AMI: Ah, they are the "they," then.]

The guards began to snicker, then one of them rang a bell.
Sousuke soon came to the gate. "Ahh, Master Cauthon and Mistress al'Thor.
Come with me."

[MURMUR: How genial of Sousuke.  I would have thought that he would have at least frisked them for hidden weapons.
UKYO: Well, that's palace life for ya.  Makes you soft.]

He led them through the maze of hallways; Ranma-chan tried not to
gawk too much.

[MURMUR: Is the semi-colon needed there?  Hey, first nit-pick of the fic!  And, once again, very sparse on the exposition.
AMI: I suppose Biles-san assumes that we'd be familiar with the setting itself and decided to go on with the story.  Or at least the dialogue.]

"So, how are the ladies today?" Kurz asked.

[UKYO: You know, it's not *that* difficult to tell the difference between men and women.  But people never really look beyond the surface presentation.  It's kind of sad, really.]

"My siblings are in a good mood," Sousuke said. "I'm not sure
why. Fatora Sedai, on the other hand, has been storming around angrily.
I don't know what you did to anger her, but it would be wisest to
apologize."

[MURMUR: And here Sousuke shows a rather cruel streak by not saying that Nuriko is a man.  Male, anyway.  And I think that Fatora has gotten a rather raw deal in this fic.  She may be petty, somewhat cruel, and wrongheaded . . . but she's not a bad person, per se.
UKYO: Someone has to be the heavy.  And it's usually Fatora.]

"I fell off the wall," Kurz said.

[MURMUR: And all the queen's horses and all the queen's men couldn't put Kurz back together again . . . after Fatora got through with him.
AMI: Much too easy a joke.]

"Onto her?" Sousuke asked.

[AMI: I'm assuming, by the context of the previous paragraph, that Sousuke was asking whether Kurz fell onto Fatora-Sedai.]

"No, Nuriko startled me and I fell down."

[UKYO: Nuriko startles many people.  I think that someone who is so obsessed with one person that they have to go to such extreme lengths as denying their own gender should be pitied.  But not be made *my* love interest.  Damn it.
MURMUR: . . .]

"Onto Fatora's prize violets?"

[AMI: Sousuke is surprisingly gregarious here.  And I'd think that Sousuke would refer to her as Fatora Sedai.]

"..."

[AMI: And Kurz isn't.]

"She grows flowers?" Ranma-chan asked.

[UKYO: And knits doilies.  But that don't mean she ain't one bad mo-fo.]

"Fatora Sedai is reknowned for her gifts with plants. Quite
unusual in a Red, I understand. Normally, only Browns have that knack."
Sousuke shrugged. "Not my problem, however." He pushed open the garden
gates. "You will find them within. Please follow the appropriate
customs, so that I won't have to kill you."

[MURMUR: I wonder what being a glorified librarian has to do with flowers.
AMI: Now, that death threat is more like Sousuke.]

"K...kill us?" Kurz asked weakly.

[MURMUR: Nothing to say here.
AMI: Shocking.
MURMUR: Well, okay, one: "K-kill us?" just looks neater than an ellipse.]

"Sousuke, are you threatening our guests with death again?" Usagi
asked, rising from the bench she sat on.

[AMI: Usagi-chan is very blase about that.  I suppose being raised as a princess really does make a difference.
UKYO: Oh, the irony!]

"The rules are..." Sousuke began.

[MURMUR: Don't expose Ranma to direct sunlight.
UKYO: Don't feed Ranma after midnight.
AMI: Keep Ranma away from water.]

"The Little Big Book of Andoran Etiquette does not prescribe death
for bad manners, no matter what Fatora says, Sousuke," Nuriko said, also
rising. She walked over to Ranma-chan and took her by the hands. "It's
so very nice to meet you, Ranma. I hope we'll be good friends."

[UKYO: Bad manners for Fatora are not kowtowing to Fatora or rushing to meet her every petty demand.
AMI: The Little Big Book of Andoran Etiquette does prescribe a severe flogging for bad table manners.  Remember, a serviette is not to be used as a bib.  That's just gauche.]

Ranma-chan smiled at her. "It's so very nice to meet you too."

[UKYO: Oooh!  Stop flirting with that tramp, Ranchan!
AMI: Please don't call Usagi-chan a tramp, Ukyo-san.]

Sousuke said, "Isn't Ranma a boy's name?"

[UKYO: (as Ranma, belligerent) Isn't Sousuke a girl's name?
AMI: (as Sousuke) No.
UKYO: (as Ranma) Oh.  Shut up.]

"Father wanted a son," Ranma-chan said, hurriedly.

[MURMUR: And mother wanted a sex fiend.  So they were both disappointed.]

"Parents can be like that," Nuriko said. "Insisting on things
that aren't so." She shook her head. "Sousuke, can you send for the
court bard?"

[UKYO: (sarcastic) Is that irony?  I . . . I can't tell.
AMI: Yes, it is irony.  Or rather, it is an ironic statement.
UKYO: And I'm expected to hook up with this . . . this fop?  This dandy?  I need a real man, like Ranchan!
MURMUR: Wherefor art thou, Oscar Wilde?]

"Our bard was last seen fleeing out the gates with Fatora Sedai
chasing him with a whip," Sousuke said.

[MURMUR: (as Fatora) Get back here!  You didn't say the safety word!
AMI: I suppose this court bard is the one named after . . . Lupin?  Basara?  I believe in one of his responses, he mentioned that "Basara" is actually Lupin III.  Which I suppose makes sense, since Basara is a strange breed of pacifist.
UKYO: Hey, yeah!  Why didn't Biles make the cast of Macross 7 into the Tinkers?
MURMUR: Because mad scientists are funnier.]

Nuriko sighed. "Can you go and get my harp, then? I'll sing."

[MURMUR: Is that a threat?]

Sousuke nodded and left.

[AMI: I suppose it was.]

"Quick, we have to hide while he's gone," Nuriko said.

[MURMUR: And once again, nothing to say here.]

"What?" Kurz asked.

[MURMUR: The great communicator!]

"We won't be able to do ANYTHING fun with Sousuke along," Nuriko
said. "And since we have to sneak out of the palace..."

[UKYO: Sousuke ruins everybody's fun.  He's the stick in the mud that drags everybody else in with him.]

"What?" Kurz asked again.

[MURMUR: Anybody else get the feeling that Mr. Biles has run out of dialogue for Kurz?
(nods all around.)]

Usagi giggled. "We never get to leave the palace and just see
Caemlyn as it is, so we got disguises for ourselves. You two are going to
come with us."

[UKYO: Ah, slumming.  The greatest fun that a jaded, bored royalty can get--downtrod on the masses on a personal level.
MURMUR: My, I think that Nuriko is a bad influence on Usagi.
AMI: No, no he's not.]

Kurz laughed. "This should be fun."

[MURMUR: (as Ranma) This should a huge mistake.]

Nuriko took Kurz by the hand. "Come on, let's go."

[UKYO: Was that a double entendre?
AMI: Who can tell nowadays?]

*******

"Mother," Sousuke said. "Nuriko and Usagi have been abducted."

[MURMUR: This is the high point of Sousuke's day.]

Lum sighed. "Are you sure they aren't just in some part of the
palace you haven't looked at?"

[AMI: (as Lum) t'cha.]

"I even looked under the beds, this time," Sousuke said.

[AMI: The last time this happened, it turned out that they'd been hiding from him under their copious beds, which led to the wondrous, fantastical land of England.  There they lived lives in post war London, having a great many adventures, until they were drawn back to their home countries, returning to their former ages.
UKYO: No giant rats were killed, but much Turkish delight was eaten.]

Lum turned to Fatora. "What do you think?"

[AMI: (as Lum) t'cha.]

"I think they have probably just snuck out of the palace, probably
because you don't keep them busy enough. What makes you think they were
kidnapped, Sousuke?" Fatora asked.

[MURMUR: Too many "probablys" here.  Maybe . . . "I think they probably just snuck out of the palace, most likely because you don't keep them busy enough."  And by busy, Fatora meant BUSY!  Keh keh keh.
AMI: Some description of these characters would not be out of place.  
MURMUR: By "busy," I meant it as a euphemism for sex.
UKYO: We know that already!  Shut up!]

"Those two peasants came to visit them, and then I went to get
Nuriko's harp, and they were gone on my return," Sousuke said.

[UKYO: Does anyone else think that Sousuke is really out of character, here?
MURMUR: It's probably his WOT blend kicking in.  He is supposed to be a bad guy.
UKYO: I guess . . .]

Lum sighed. "The old 'send Sousuke for the harp' trick."

[MURMUR: (as Sousuke) That's the second time I've fallen for that this week.
UKYO: (as Fatora) If only they'd used their Sousuke tricking abilities for good, instead of evil.
AMI: (as Lum) t'cha.]

"What?" Sousuke asked.

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Hey, that's my line!]

"They're probably closeted with them somewhere, snuggling up to
them," Fatora said. "Keep searching the palace and I will speak to the
gate guards. If they don't show up for breakfast, THEN we can assume
kidnapping."

[MURMUR: Because Usagi would never miss a meal.
AMI: She may miss it, but not for long.  I've lost count of how many of my lunch boxes she's eaten.
MURMUR: Oh, and I think that sentence would flow better as "They're probably closeted somewhere, snuggling up to them" though why I think that, I can't say.]

"I will have Megane send some of the guards into the city, just in
case they're wandering around town," Queen Lum said. "But I expect that
they're probably just somewhere you didn't think to look."

[AMI:(as Lum)  t'cha.
MURMUR: You know, I'm not sure why Mr. Biles didn't use Mendou as the Gareth Byrne character.  Sure, Megane has the stormtroopers but Mendou is the one that usually sends out the tanks and planes and what-not.  Megane would have been better as the . . . oh, what's his face, the one that Elayne put out was the father of her twins and is a darkfriend.
UKYO: Unless it's Mendou USING the name "Megane," like how Lupin is using the name Basara.
MURMUR: My head hurts.
UKYO: And, of course, Megane has that whole Nazi obsession.]

"I will go and tell First Prince Megane at once," Sousuke said,
saluting. "I will see you later, Mother."

[UKYO: First Prince?  Is Megane married to Lum?
AMI: I have no idea.]

Lum smiled a little. "I will see you later, son."

[AMI: (as Lum) t'cha.
MURMUR: The reason why Ami is doing that is as a protest against this very relaxed Lum.
AMI: (as Lum) Divine punishment!
MURMUR: She's usually much less passive aggressive.]

Sousuke marched out.

[UKYO: And don't think we don't appreciate it.
MURMUR: Double time, hup!]

"He will make a good First Prince of the Sword, one day," Fatora
said. "Once he gets over being so paranoid."

[AMI: One would imagine paranoia would be a positive trait for Fatora.]

Lum blinked in surprise. "Hmm, that's rare."

[MURMUR: Or, with an onomonopeia, Lum piku pikued in surprise.]

"What?"

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Stop stealing my line!]

"You praising a man."

[UKYO: Hey, anyone seen Allie . . . Allell . . . what's her name?
MURMUR: She'll come around.  What would General Ego be without General Horny?
AMI: Please, no Marmalade Moon references.
UKYO: Oh, yeah, that's the fic where Nanami replaced *you*.]

"He is steadfast and honest and respectful, unlike his siblings,"
Fatora said. "And shows an admirable concern for the well-being of
women."

[UKYO: And Fatora continues with the whole "sibling" thing.
MURMUR: Say, you don't think that Mr. Biles will make Nuriko a woman, do you?
AMI: Stranger things have happened.  Such as Sana-chan as Sailor Pluto.]

"Overconcern at times," Lum said.

[AMI: (as Lum) t'cha.
MURMUR: Stop doing that; you've made your point.]

"Better to waste some time on unneeded measures than to fail to
take needful ones," Fatora said.

[MURMUR: Anyone else think that Fatora is surprisingly sensible here?
AMI: I suppose.]

"True, true."

[UKYO: And nothing to say here.]

**********

Ogiers are not ideal for dancing. They tend to prefer slow group
dances which do not require much coordination or rythm. Thus it was that
Umino found himself rather in over his head as he was dragged around the
room by Nanami, who was grinning wildly, perhaps due to her alcohol
consumption.

[AMI: Or possibly due to her possesion by evil underwear.  *Sigh*  Evil underwear . . . that's almost as bad as Minako as an elf.
MURMUR: That first sentence, "Ogiers are not ideal for dancing," makes it sound like Ogier are some sort of object that you shouldn't use in a dance scene.  Say rather, "Ogiers do not make for ideal dancers" or "Ogiers are not ideal for dancing with."
UKYO: Though Ogiers are not good dancers, there is a rather famous dance that they invented known by men throughout the land: the Ogier's Overbite.]

One advantage of having a party with members of the royal family
was that their wealth let them easily rent the party room at the inn for
their own private party, along with hiring some musicians. Semi-private
party, anyway. Mitsune had invited a few of her many friends along, and
Umino wasn't even sure who half of them were.

[MURMUR: Do you really need the third "party" in "Semi-private party, anyway"?
AMI: Why would Umino know even half of Kitsune's friends?]

He was sure they were all drunk. Kurz was flashing that ring of
his about and claiming he was close personal friends with Prince Dios.
Several people were taking turns changing Ranma's sex with hot and cold
water and he didn't even seem to care. Neither did they. Mitsune was up
on a table, trying to teach Princess Usagi some sort of dance which
involved a lot of kicking her legs in the air and marching backwards and
forwards.

[UKYO: It's always fun to change Ranma's sex!  I know that I do it whenever I'm bored.
AMI: Oh, dear.  Usagi-chan doing the can-can?  That's just not right.]

Umino was not drunk. Ogiers do not get drunk easily. Some of it
is the way they're made, and some of it is simply body mass. He resolved
to make sure he did not get too drunk, as someone would need to watch over
his friends.

[UKYO: Can't dance, can't get drunk; no wonder Ogiers don't get invited to parties often.
AMI: Oh, no, I just had an image of Naru-san as an Ogier!  Please, help me, Three Lights!]

He just wished he knew why he felt like the Wild Hunt was closing
in.

[MURMUR: Buh?]

*********

"No sign of them?" Queen Lum asked Megane.

[UKYO: (as Megane) You mean other than the fliers saying, "Kitsune invites you all to hedonistic bash!  Sponsored by the Royal 'Siblings'!  Bring your own Alcohol"?  No, not really.]

"A servant saw them headed for the garden. They haven't been seen
since," Megane said. "I suspect they climbed over the wall to avoid being
seen leaving."

[AMI: I don't suppose they went into a secret garden, whose blossoming life sweetens their once sour nature?
MURMUR: Hmm . . . I'm going to go with no, here.]

Queen Lum frowned. "So this is probably just them deciding to
make us worry by having a stupid adventure in town."

[UKYO: No, the worrying is just a happy bonus.
AMI: Notice how Lum said "us" instead of "me."  And it probably not the royal plural.  Does this mean that she sees "Megane" as as having parental worries along with her?
MURMUR: You're reading way too much into this.]

He nodded. "My men are out making inquiries around the city, but
it will take a long time, given how big the city is. If they don't
surface by the morning, then we can call out everyone for a massive
manhunt."

[MURMUR: Why would Megan need to tell her how big the city is?  Given it's her capitol, wouldn't she already know?
AMI: Sshhh.  It's the first bit of exposition we've had.]

She nodded. "And if they ran away..." She blasted a potted
plant. "On their rears, until they can't sit down for a week."

[AMI: Divine punishment!  Hee hee hee.
MURMUR: Why is it always the potted plants that go first?
UKYO: "On their rears"?  Oh, c'mon!]

"My Lady Queen is fair and just," he said.

[(All goggle).
MURMUR: Lum?  Fair?  Just?  How many times did she destroy Tomobiki?
AMI: Many, many times.  But most of them were before her character fully developed.  Most of them.]

She put a hand on his shoulder. "And wanting a little company
tonight."

[AMI: I feel sick.
UKYO: Blegh.]

He smiled. "As her Highness commands, I obey."

[MURMUR: Hear that?
AMI: What?
MURMUR: That's the soundtrack to a cheesy seventies porno.  Feel the power of overwrought saxophones!
AMI: Oh my.]

**********

"Good morning, Innkeep," Setsuna said to Haruka. "I am looking
for several friends of mine who I was supposed to meet in Caemlyn. Our
plans went somewhat awry, and I am not sure what inn they are at. An
orange-haired girl, a dark-haired boy, and a tall blonde boy, all around
twenty or so years of age."

[UKYO: (As Setsuna) You see, a few months back, we were seperated at the cursed city of . . . whateverthehellitscalled and we just now arrived.  I am an Aes Sedai on a secret mission for the Amyrlin Seat, to find the Ronin Reborn, who just might be one of the dark-haired boys.  You don't really need any more information than that rather vague description, it'll just be obvious.  I don't suppose that you would have any information or be part of some conveniently for-hire spy network?
MURMUR: Curiously both wordy and meaningless.
AMI: (as Haruka) Ah, the city of whateverthehellitscalled.  What a tragic story.
UKYO: They're that old?  Twenty?  That's practically ancient!]

"Well, we have the first and the third. They're probably sleeping
off their party upstairs."

[MURMUR: Blonde and orange hair must be very unique for her to pick them out so quickly.
AMI: Is Nanami-san's hair really orange?
MURMUR: Let's see.  (reviews El Hazard)  Umm . . . maybe.  Sometimes it's bright enough to be orange-ish, but it's still pretty dark for me to say it's orange.  I'd go . . . burnt umber.
AMI: Brown?  Her hair is brown?  Why not just say so?
UKYO: Orange sounds more delicious.]

"Did they perhaps arrive with a redhaired girl?"

[AMI: (as Haruka) Yes, but funnily enough, when hot water is poured on her, she turns into a boy.
UKYO: (as Setsuna) Really?  Well, I suppose it *could* be her.]

"Yes," Haruka said. "Umino was kind enough to help me haul them
and their friends up to their rooms after they all passed out in the party
room."

[MURMUR: I wonder why she's talking as if Setsuna knows who Umino is?]

"Their friends?" Ukyou asked.

[UKYO: Yay!  My wondrous entrance!]

"They apparently picked up some rich noblewomen who felt like
slumming," Haruka said. "Or maybe just merchant's daughters, but their
clothing was very nice, especially the dark-haired girl."

[UKYO: Boo!
MURMUR: I don't really think that Haruka would say this.  It's not a character issue, per se; I just don't believe that any innkeeper would just volunteer this kind of information, particularly info on rich women.
AMI: Perhaps it is her small way of protesting against the unfair concentration of wealth to a small elite who crush the noble proletariat?
MURMUR: Weren't you a princess in a former life?
AMI: Workers of the world unite!  You have nothing to lose but your chains!]

Ukyou frowned. "Kurz's bad influence. They'd better have not
been prostitutes."

[MURMUR: I know that as soon as I hit a big city, I look for the nearest house of ill repute.
AMI: This is because you are a sick man.
UKYO: Get your man back, Ukyo!]

"They carried hundred crown coins. I'd never even SEEN a hundred
crown coin before. I doubt your friends could afford them," Haruka said.
"Anyway, they're in rooms thirteen and fourteen."

[MURMUR: So Haruka too thinks they're prostitutes.  Tsk, tsk.
AMI: Oh, Usagi-chan.  Why?  You really should be back home, studying.]

"They've CLEARLY been very delinquent," Hinako said, getting out a
coin with a hole in the center. "It's punishing time."

[MURMUR: And the world shudders in terror.]

She led them all up the stairs, then tried, unsuccessfully, to
kick the door open. Soun moved up and kicked it open for her.
Ranma-chan, her shirt undone, but mostly clothed, stirred and tried to sit
up. This was difficult with Nanami and Usagi using her legs and stomach
as pillows respectively. They were also both mostly dressed, but with
shirts undone. Nanami was wearing a black lacy bra; Setsuna could feel
the evil radiating from it. There were piles of underwear scattered all
over the room, including on top of the sleeping people.

[AMI: Oh, Usagi-chan . . . 
UKYO: Get off'a my man!
MURMUR: Say, why is Lan still Soun here?  Isn't that a bit of a character stretch, especially given that Mr. Biles is no longer staying exclusively with Ranma?
UKYO: It's the whole Hinako-Mr. Tendo angle.
MURMUR: But there are much better brooding, death-obsessed guys out there!
AMI: Such as?
MURMUR: Uh . . . Sousuke from Naruto?
UKYO: Too young.  Captain Nemo from Nadia.
AMI: Would that work?  I'm not sure.  Oh, Van from Escaflowne!
MUMUR: She's right.  Too young.  Char Aznable?
UKYO: From Gundam, Z-Gundam, or Char's Counterattack?
MURMUR: Uh, Counterattack.
UKYO: Maybe.  Kenshin?
MURMUR: Hitokiri Battousai Kenshin, maybe.  Oh!  I know!  Ogami Itto from Lone Wolf and Cub!
AMI: That's a very good idea.  Though one wonders if Ogami Itto would be as romantic as Lan.
UKYO: So between Kenshin and the Lone Wolf.  Hmm . . .]

"Soun, Ryouga, go get Kurz," Setsuna said. "Hinako, Ukyou, don't
touch that bra. It's evil."

[UKYO: Why would I want to touch her bra?  It's not like she's as talented as Mako-chan.
AMI: Eh?
MURMUR: Ugh, the dub 'talent' joke.  When will we see the end of that?
UKYO: Ryouga, meanwhile, was too busy holding in all the blood gushing from his nose to pay that much attention.  He would have fainted if Soun hadn't kicked him out.]

"An evil bra," Ukyou said dubiously.

[UKYO: I've seen weirder.  No, wait, I've seen the exact same thing.  Remember that cursed bra that Happosai wanted?  Or that haunted swimsuit that Ranma wore.]

"I can feel the taint of Shadylogon on it," Setsuna said.

[MURMUR: What's the origin of that joke, anyway?
AMI: Not a man amongsts us knows.]

Soun and Ryouga went next door, kicking the door open.

[MURMUR: (as Soun) Soun!
UKYO: (as Ryouga) Ryouga!
MURMUR and UKYO: (In unison, in character) Police Squad!  Freeze, dirtbag!]

Ranma-chan rubbed her eyes. "I...hey, is that you, Ucchan?"

[MURMUR: Weird transition.  I mean, okay, that Soun and Ryouga went next door and kicked the door in, sure, I get that.  But because there's nothing saying something like "meanwhile, back in the other room," you kind of expect to follow the action with Soun and Ryouga.
AMI: It's not that big of a deal.
MURMUR: You know, I think it is.  I just need more scene setting here, instead of just dialogue.  I mean, I like dialogue, and it's good dialogue for the most part, but sometimes I need prose and thoughts and exposition.
UKYO: It's just written for fun.  Relax.
MURMUR: Hmph.]

"You're half-naked with two women on you, Ranchan? WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING?"

[AMI: Why'd you make that first sentence a question, Ukyo-san?
UKYO: I . . . I have no idea.  It really shouldn't be one, should it.]

"I a..." She looked down at Usagi and Nanami. "What the..."

[MURMUR: "I, ah . . ." rather.  And why did Ranma look down on Usagi and Nanami if they are using him as a pillow?
AMI: He obviously sat up to see Ukyo-san.
MURMUR: But if he sat up or even got up, he would have noticed that he had two girls on him!
UKYO: He was very drunk last night.
MURMUR: That has nothing to do with this.  It just doesn't make sense.]

"Delinquent PUNI..." Hinako began.

[MURMUR: Puni Poemi?
AMI: Ack!  No!
UKYO: Evil!  Eeeeeeviiillll!
MURMUR: Funny thing is, I could really see Hinako in Puni Puni Poemi.
AMI: Ack!]

"No, wait, this is Princess Usagi!" Ranma-chan shouted. "The
Queen will get mad!"

[MURMUR: Or at least moderately irate.
AMI: Divine punishment!
MURMUR: . . . What's with you?
AMI: Shabon Spray?  I felt like throttling someone for my first three months as a Sailor Senshi!  Everyone else got fire, or lightning, or even a laser beam!  Usagi-chan at least had a flying, buzzing discus tiara!  What did I get?  Mist!  Mist and an electronic pocket book!  Typical!
MURMUR: Calm down, Ami.]

"...SHING ATTACK!"

[MURMUR: Does she ever listen to people?
UKYO: No.  Say, wait, was Hinako in her adult body there?
MURMUR: Probably.  Though how often is she in her child body in this fic?
AMI: Just one of the many questions never answered.]

Ranma-chan did the only thing she could, and threw herself in the
path of the attack. Instinctively, she threw up her arms to defend
herself, and then she felt a warmth flow through her. It met the attack,
which absorbed the warmth instead, leaving Ranma-chan unharmed. Hinako
grew to adult size.

[MURMUR: Ranma sure has a martyr complex.  All he ever does is block attacks to women with his body.]

"Hmm," Setsuna said. "Hinako, let them be. I must deal with the
bra."

[UKYO: You kind of get the feeling Setsuna says that a lot.]

Usagi and Nanami now awoke as a blood-curdling scream echoed from
Kurz's room, followed by Kurz fleeing with no shirt on down the hallway.

[MURMUR: Shades of the infamous love hotel scene from Children of Fire.
UKYO: Hmm, yeah, I was suspicously absent for that until I burst in on Haruka and Ranchan.  I really should have joined them, darn it.
AMI: . . . Lucky you.  I was stuck making out with Kunou.
MURMUR: Say, was Children of Fire that Sailor Mercury as the first Senshi story mentioned in Athena and Sheila?
AMI: No, it was the one with Usagi as Tuxedo Kamen's assitant.  I suppose that Mr. Bile's has abandoned my starring vehicle.  Typical.]

Hinako ran over to that room, while Ukyou asked Usagi, "Are you
really a princess?"

[UKYO: (as Nuriko) I'm royalty!
MURMUR: (As Hinako) That's avoiding the question!
UKYO: (as Nuriko) Yup!]

"Yes, I am," Usagi said.

[AMI: But she's very down-to-Earth!  Incredibly spoiled, though.]

Nanami looked up at Setsuna and her eyes flared. "You! Sedai!
You're after my underwear!"

[UKYO: You kind of get the feeling that Setsuna gets accused of that a lot, too.
AMI: I think in this instance, it should be Aes Sedai.]

"Ukyou, Ranma, please hold Nanami still for me."

[UKYO: Hey, Nanami's actually kind of cute . . .]

Ukyou and Ranma rushed forward and grappled her, while Setsuna
struggled to figure out how to remove the taint with the Power.

[MURMUR: The power of Christ compells you!]

Usagi asked, "What's going on?"

[AMI: "Picket lines and picket signs."]

"I am Setsuna Sedai, a friend of Ranma, Nanami, and Kurz," Setsuna
said. "Please button your shirt and step into the hallway."

[MURMUR: One would think in a faux-dark ages era like this, they wouldn't have buttons on their shirts.  It'd have like blouses or . . . wimples . . . err . . .
AMI: Just admit it.  You have no idea what they wore then, do you?
MURMUR: It's true!  It's true!  I'm a fraud!]

Usagi did so, as Nuriko came out of Kurz's room. "I take it he
found out?" Usagi asked Nuriko.

[AMI: That's not very nice, Usagi-chan.]

"I'll bring him around," Nuriko said confidently. "How did
Ranma-chan take it in the morning?"

[UKYO: Does this mean he won't be my romantic interest?  Oh, huzzah!  I get Ranma, I get Ranma!
AMI: How did Ranma take what in the morning?]

"I'm not sure yet," Usagi said.

[AMI: Is this deliberately obscure?]

Setsuna finally figured out what to do, and wove the weave, then
frowned. "I have been able to drive out the worst of the taint, but it is
beyond my power to purge completely. You must be taken to the Tower for
healing, Nanami."

[UKYO: How anti-climactic.]

Nanami stared at the piles of underwear. "What have I done?"

[MURMUR: Lived the dream, baby.  Lived the dream.]

"Ranchan, what were you DOING with those two?" Ukyou demanded.

[UKYO: Do I really sound that shrill?
MURMUR: Don't worry.  It's the Egwene talking.]

"We got drunk and passed out, that's all." Ranma-chan said. "Is
it morning?"

[AMI: How blase of Ranma.]

"Yes, it is," Ryouga said from the hallway as he and Soun emerged
from Kurz's room.

[UKYO: Ryouga really should be laughing at Kurz at this point.]

"Oh no, Sousuke probably has the entire army out looking for us,"
Usagi said. "We'd best get back to the Palace before he burns this place
to the ground trying to save us or something." She bowed to Setsuna. "I
am sorry to have been of trouble to you, Sedai." She took Nuriko's hand.
"It was nice to meet you, Ranma," she said, smiling at Ranma-chan. "I
hope we get to meet again soon."

[MURMUR: Either Usagi has some strange ideas on how far Sousuke would go . . . or Sousuke has no sense of proportionality.
AMI: Most likely the latter, though Usagi has been known to exagerate.]

"I expect you will," Setsuna said to Usagi. "Since you are going
to the Tower and so is she."

[MURMUR: How abrupt.
AMI: That's Setsuna-san for you.]

"Oh, really?" Usagi asked, excitedly.

[ALL: Really!]

"It would appear from the ceiling of her room and how she just
stopped Hinako that she can channel. In which case, she must go, for her
own good."

[MURMUR: What about the ceiling of her room?  Is there something strange about it?
AMI: Possibly something left off in an edit but kept here.]

"But...the Tower..." Ranma-chan babbled.

[MURMUR: Hrm.  Wouldn't call that a babble; too short.  Maybe "protested jerkily" but that's because I really like the word "jerk."
UKYO & AMI: No comment.]

"We can discuss this later," Setsuna said. "Soun, Ryouga, since
both of you are dressed and sane, please escort the Princesses to the
Palace, then return here. I will get everything in order here."

[MURMUR: . . . Setsuna does know that Nuriko is a guy, right?
AMI: Oh, yes.
MURMUR: Just checking.
UKYO: I think that I'm entirely sane and reasonably dressed in this scene, but maybe I couldn't control myself, threw away my clothes, and am making silent monkey love with Ranma in the background.  And maybe with Nanami, too.  Hee.
AMI: Probably not.]

"Alright," Soun said. "Please follow me, Princesses."

[MURMUR: Okay, this bothers the hell out of me.  It's "all right."  I don't care that James Joyce did use it that way.  It's two seperate words combined to form an adjective or adverb, depending on usage!  Damn it!
AMI: There, there.  "Nothing to get hung about."]

They took off after him.

[AMI: "They" being Usagi-chan, Nuriko, and Ryouga-kun.]

Setsuna leaned against the wall. "Where is Basara?"

[MURMUR: Off singing to space whales!
UKYO: Having a duet with Mylene's sister!
AMI: Obviously not on time for the concert.]

Ranma-chan stared at the floor. "We don't know. He took on four
Lagmen in Whitebridge to let us escape and he never caught up with us.
He...he's probably dead."

[FANBOY: The T.O.S. episode that had the first instance of "He's dead, Jim" was the fifth episode of the first season, entitled "The Enemy Within," written by series creator Gene Rodenberry, and originally aired on Oct. 6, 1966.  It's the famous episode wherein a transporter accident splits Captain Kirk into a "good" and a "bad"--ack!
(ALL drop mallets.)
MURMUR: Who let him in?
AMI: It was inevitable.
CHERRY: It was fate.  (Claps.)]

"Perhaps," Setsuna said softly. "But it is best to believe no one
dead unless you have their body, and even then, check a second time.
Let's see about getting you all dressed and cleaned up and fed, so that we
can make you presentable. Best we take you to the palace to apologize,
and see if we can go with those who will escort Queen Lum's children to
the Tower."

[FANBOY: How many times was Murdoc thought to be dead?  Five times, the first two times being his first appearance on "Macguyver,"--ack!
MURMUR: Who keeps letting this guy in?]

"Alright," Ranma-chan said. "Let's get cleaned up."

[MURMUR: Grrr.]

********

"That's a nice ring you're wearing," Ukyou said to Kurz.

[(Thunder peals, horses whinny, mountains shake.)
MURMUR: Ominous foreshadowing, in other words.
FANBOY: . . . 
MURMUR: Well?
FANBOY: (innocently whistles.)
MURMUR: Fine.  I'll do it.  Ahem.  "Now the Elves made many rings; but secretly Sauron made One Ring to rule all the others . . . and much of of the strength and will of Sauron passed into the One Ring."
FANBOY: The Sillmarion rocks!  Frodo lives, man!]

Kurz blinked, then said, "Yeah, I got it from Prince Dios in a
dream."

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) And that is in no way homoerotic!  Not at all!
UKYO: (as . . . Ukyo) Uh huh.  Who said anything about homoerotic?
MURMUR: (as Kurz) Not me!]

"Who?" Ukyou asked.

[MURMUR: You know; Prince Dios!
UKYO: Oh!  Him!]

Setsuna blinked. "Hmm."

[AMI: Setsuna-san being intruiged is very scary.]

"Yeah, he said he was searching for the Ronin Reborn. Along with
the other Heroes of the Horn. The ring lets me find him in my dreams."

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) . . . why can't I just go back to saying 'What' every other paragraph?]

"May I see it?" Setsuna asked. "It is very rare for anyone to be
given something in a dream and have it appear in the waking world."

[AMI: Why do I suddenly feel a Dreamlands reference coming soon?]

"Sure," Kurz said, taking it off and handing it to her.

[MURMUR: Mighty trusting, isn't he?]

"I've run into him in a few dreams," Ranma-chan said. "Stupid
idiot keeps trying to hit on me."

[AMI: Those mystical princes are always chatting up any girl they can.  Oh, the times that Mamoru-san has hit on me.
MURMUR: Really?
AMI: . . . All right, no.  But don't I deserve a romantic prince to sweep me off my feet?  Don't I?]

Setsuna looked over at Ryouga. "Have you dreamed of him?"

[AMI: What a question!
UKYO: Woo woo!]

Ryouga shook his head. "I think I wandered into one of Fatora
Sedai's dreams, but I haven't seen him."

[MURMUR: Now how the hell would he know that?  Did he meet Fatora Sedai?  Would he be able to tell if he had?]

Setsuna studied the ring idly, saying, "Any other interesting
dreams?"

[MURMUR: (as Ranma) You mean other than the ones where the Dark One is trying to tempt me to join him or threatening to kill me?  No, not really.
UKYO: (as Ukyo) I had one where a computer from a previous age kept on saying that it had information but wouldn't give me any cause it wasn't "available at your clearance, citizen"!]

"I had a dream where the Dark One was trying to destroy the
Springs of Jyusenkyo, whatever those are," Kurz said.

[MURMUR: You know, I never know what to say about Kurz.  A lot of his original character didn't survive the transition to Randland, did it?]

"Hey, me too," Ranma said. "There were..." He paused. "There
were pools that turned you into different things. That could be where the
water that cursed me came from!"

[ALL: Gasp!
UKYO: Really?  Who'da thunk it!]

"The Red Man was there," Kurz said. "Although I always thought he
watched over the Tree of Life."

[MURMUR: It's a very tragic story.
AMI: Oh, I know!  It's Tsunami-san, right?]

"The Red Man guards many things, it is said," Setsuna Sedai said.
"Many things."

[AMI: You can tell that this'll be an important plot point by the repetition.
MURMUR: For instance, the Red Man guards the entire Stan Lee/Steve Ditko run of Amazing Spider-Man and has a first run copy of Flex Mentallo.
FANBOY: Really?]

"Indeed, some say he guards the Eye of God," Soun said. "But many
have sought him and few succeeded."

[ALL: AAHH!
MURMUR: He spoke!  Cripes, that scared me!]

"The Springs of Jyusenkyo?" Umino said. "That's where Lupin
Farstealer thought the Eye of God was located."

[MURMUR: Okay, so how could Basara be Lupin again?
UKYO: He was his son or something.
MURMUR: Still think that Spike Spiegel would have made a better Thom.
AMI: Now, now.  This is his fic, he can cast whomever he likes.]

Setsuna turned to him. "You've met Lupin Farstealer?"

[MURMUR: (as Umino) He stole my wallet, once.  It was great!]

"Many years ago, he came to our Stedding, while searching for the
Springs," Umino said. "He'd found some ancient text which he thought held
the key to activating the Eye of God. Unfortunately, we later figured out
he'd mistranslated it, and so I suppose he probably killed himself doing
it the wrong way." He sighed.

[MURMUR: Or ended up as a wandering old man who'll join Matt, I mean Kurz's company in a future book.
AMI: Sshhh!]

"What did he mistranslate?" Setsuna asked.

[AMI: He confused the locative case with the imperative.
UKYO: Shocking.]

"You see, he thought the passage indicated that it took a man and
an Aes Sedai working together to activate it. But his mastery of the Old
Tongue wasn't half as good as his persuasive skills. What it actually
said was 'a male and a female Aes Sedai working together', or in other
words, a male and a female channeler. I can't imagine what would have
happened with just a woman, but I expect it wasn't pretty."

[MURMUR: . . . Yeah, even I'm not touching that last line.  Yikes.
AMI: How scandalous.]

"The Dark One is after the Eye of God," Setsuna said. "The
Forsaken number both male and female. Which means that he could use it,
if he got it."

[MURMUR: And nothing to say here.]

"My dream," Ukyou said softly.

[UKYO: Yes?
AMI: No, you're saying that this was your dream.  Which is a bit redundant.
UKYO: Oh.]

"Exactly," Setsuna said, pocketing the ring. "I fear Ukyou's
dream may well be true. We must go, and go swiftly. There are too many
omens to wait any longer."

[UKYO: Thief!  Pickpocket!  Rapist!
AMI: Rapist?
UKYO: You're not going to get anyone's attention with just 'thief.']

"It will take us months to get to the Borderlands to try to sally
into the Blight in search of the Springs," Soun said.

[AMI: 'Sally' works on many levels.  Since they'll be leaving from a defensive position, as well as setting off on an expedition.  And yet . . . 
UKYO: Yeah, it's a wuss word.  It has no power to it.]

"Which is why we must walk a dangerous road," Setsuna said. "If
Umino will help us."

[MURMUR: (as Umino) Tuxedo Umino Ogier is here!  Fear my fried shrimp and connection with plant life!
AMI: Yuck.]

"What road?" Umino asked. "Wait, do you mean..."

[MURMUR: The Road to Singapore, starring Ranma Althor as Josh Mallen!
UKYO: Ryouga Aybara as Ace Lannigan!
AMI: And Ukyo Alvere as Mima.
MURMUR: What a long way to go for a joke . . .]

"We must risk the Ways," Setsuna said.

[MURMUR: The Tao of Risk.
AMI: Always try to conquer North Africa first.  North Africa rules!]

"The Ways?" Ranma-chan asked.

[AMI: I recommend quality surveying as a path to spiritual fulfillment!
MURMUR: Not those ways!]

"The Ways," Setsuna began. "They were created long ago for the
Ogier by the Aes Sedai, as a way for them to easily travel between their
far scattered steddings. They twist and bend through the cracks in the
Pattern, enabling you to compress months of travel into only a few days."

[MURMUR: I'd actually be a bit worried that the Pattern HAS cracks, let alone big enough to travel through.
AMI: Fate is always patchy.]

"Wow, that's handy," Kurz said.

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Thank you, Jesus--Normal lines!]

"Unfortunately, after the Fanboy Wars, the ways began to darken,
perhaps because they were made in part with the now tainted power of the
male Aes Sedai. Now, great evils stalk in the darkness, but we will have
to risk them, if Umino will guide us."

[AMI: She lives to give pretentious, doom-filled speeches.  Over, and over again.  It's very . . . upsetting.]

Umino's ears twitched nervously. "We no longer use the Ways.
They are too dangerous. I know enough to use them, I suppose, if there is
no other choice, but..."

[UKYO: Can no-one tell when someone ends a sentence with an ellipses, it's going to end badly?
MURMUR: That'd be breaking the Laws of Drama.
AMI: I told you, no Marmalade Moon references!]

"I think we have no other choice," Setsuna said. "We cannot risk
that the Dark One may try to seize the Eye of God."

[AMI: What did I tell you?  Upsetting.]

"But...aren't the Forsaken sealed away?" Ryouga asked. "Sealed in
the Bore since the end of the War of Power?"

[MURMUR: No?
AMI: Probably not.
UKYO: You'd think they would be, wouldn't you?  But no.]

"I pray they remain sealed away," Setsuna said. "But some
channelers turn to the Dark One in every age. I fear he will find a way
to use it, if he has finally found a way to get to it."

[AMI: Dire portents are also her speciality.]

Umino sighed. "Alright, then. If we have no choice, we have no
choice. There is a grove, here in Caemlyn, with a waygate. There are
several other gates in the far north."

[MURMUR: Wasn't the kingdom called Tomobiki?
AMI: I think that was ancient Manetheren.
MURMUR: Was it?  I'm confused.]

"Fal Dara," Setsuna said. "Or Mafal Dadaranell, as it was, before
the Trolloc Wars. That is where we must go."

[MURMUR: Maybe Mr. Biles should just choose whether he's going to stick with the old names or not.  It's confusing to go back and forth.
AMI: It's not that big a problem.  You're exaggerating.]

"What about the palace?" Kurz asked nervously.

[UKYO: (as Nuriko) Come back, Kurz-chan!]

"No time. We have to go, and go swiftly." Setsuna turned to
Soun. "It has been a long time, has it not?"

[UKYO: (as Setsuna) A long time between baths.  Phew, you stink!]

"I have not been back to the Borderlands since I became your
warder, all those years ago," Soun said softly. "That was a great
change."

[Ukyo: (as Soun) Almost as long since the last time I changed my underwear.
AMI: Yuck.]

"For us both," Setsuna said.

[UKYO: Hmm . . . sexual tension sense tingling.
AMI: Oh, my.]

"Are you from the Borderlands, Soun?" Ranma-chan asked.

[MURMUR: (as Ranma) I'm asking this `cause it seems like the right time to ask for backstory.
AMI: No need to be snarky.]

"Yes," he said. "I was born there, long ago, in Lodoss. I know
its ways well."

[MUMUR: You mean he's used the Ways before?
AMI: No, he's saying he knows the customs of the Borderlands well.  Though one wonders why he brought that up.]

"Lodoss?" Nanami asked. "Wasn't Lodoss destroyed decades ago?"

[AMI: (as Nanami) And, hey, when did I wake up from my underwear-induced coma?
UKYO: (as Hinako) And that makes you how old?  Old enough to be my grandfather?  C'mere, sexy!  I've got father issues that need settling through sweet, sweet loving!
MURMUR: . . .]

"Yes, it was," Soun said, a little stiffly. "It was betrayed and
destroyed. I was only a baby."

[MURMUR: (as Soun) Some people say that it was the evil of our betrayers that strengthened the Dark One's hold and stretched the Blight.  But I say it was overgrazing.  Livestock are the tools of the Dark One!  Kill all the cows and sheep!]

"That's awful," Hinako said softly. "You must miss your family."

[UKYO: (as Hinako) Let mommy make it all better through sweet, sweet loving.
MURMUR: Oh, stop it.
UKYO: But--
MURMUR: Just stop.
UKYO: Awww.]

"It is hard to miss what you never knew," Soun said. His voice
was stiff, and he turned to Setsuna, "Lord Parn will help us, as best he
can."

[MURMUR: But Lord Parn, it should be noted, is *not* king of Lodoss, which was destroyed.
AMI: How counter-intuitive.]

"The Borderlanders sacrifice all to shield the rest of the world,"
Setsuna said. "I would not ask more of them, unless I must. I hope it
will not come to that." She rose. "Gather your possessions. We must go
and go swiftly."

[MURMUR: *sniff*  Those poor, noble Borderlanders.  How cruel is life!]

********

The Ogier grove formed a peaceful oasis, a tiny forest in the
heart of Caemlyn, carefully tended over the years by the royal gardeners
of Andor, forming a small refuge from the cares of the world for a
thousand years of Queens of Andor, and for other rulers of nations now
gone before that. In the heart of the grove stood an ornately carven
building, a single story tall, carefully hewed to look as if it was
covered with vines of stone, a dozen different kinds.

[MURMUR: I'm going to say that, given the thrust of the sentence, that this tree was hewed to look like it was covered with vines of a dozen different stones.  Yeah . . . that last sentence needs to be reworked.  It's more than a bit confusing.]

The building was not large, though it had a high ceiling; the
doors swung open easily to reveal a chamber with benches along the walls
for weary travelers to rest. The inside walls were carved in simple
geometric patterns, except for the far wall, which resembled the exterior,
a maze of vines and branches, carven of stone. Umino walked nervously
over to the wall, then reached near the center, huge fingers closing round
a golden leaf. He pulled it free and the wall cracked, then swung away
from him, becoming double doors which allowed egress to a long shadowy
tunnel which could not possibly exist, if one went by the exterior of the
building alone. A series of flickering gems set in the ceiling
illuminated the tall tunnel, which quickly widened enough for five men to
walk abreast.

[UKYO: Why does this put me in mind of an airport?
MURMUR: Dunno.
AMI: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of pure evil.  No parking.]

Setsuna ushered everyone in, then Umino placed the leaf back in
place on one of the doors and darted inside before they could close.
"Lead on," she said.

[AMI: I.e.: be the conveniently large human shield, Umino.  Thank you.
MURMUR: That's a pretty cynical statement coming from you, Ami.
AMI: Still true.]

They started off down the long passage, which seemed to run
endlessly in a straight line. "Even Ryouga couldn't get lost in this,"
Ukyou said after a while.

[UKYO: Yeah, you'd think so but . . . no, c'mon.  You're giving him too much credit.  Ryouga'd get lost in a closet.]

Ryouga snorted at that, ambling along, leashed to Soun.

[UKYO: See?
AMI: My, how . . . inappropriate of Ryouga-san.
MURMUR: Both of you are freaks.]

The silence of the tunnels was oppressive, as was the shadowy
near-darkness. After a while, Ranma said, "I wish Basara was here. He
could tell some stories or something."

[MURMUR: (as Basara) Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time where I defeated a giant monster from sucking all the life from the galaxy by singing really loudly in its face?
UKYO & AMI: (as the Rest) Yes.
MURMUR: (as Basara) Or how about the time when I rescued a princess from a tower and saved a small, Italian state?
UKYO & AMI: (as the Rest) Yes.
MURMUR: (as Basara) Oh.  Well, that's about it in the way of stories.  Well, except for this one.  See, it seems there was once this man from a land called Nantucket . . .]

"I know many stories," Umino said. "Though I am not a great
storyteller. Would you like to hear some?"

[UKYO: Do we have a choice?]

"We would be honored," Setsuna Sedai said.

[MURMUR: Suckup!]

Umino launched into the story of King Thorin of Aramaelle, who had
dwelt in Mafal Dadaranell, before the Trolloc Wars, and how he sought to
woo the daughter of a candlemaker who he had spied during a royal
procession through his kingdom. Umino was not a very good storyteller,
though it was a good story; he tended to ramble tremendously. "You see,
at that time, the main source of wax for the Kingdom of Aramaelle was
bee-keeping. This, of course, didn't make the bees very happy..."

[MURMUR: Again, I was under the impression that Mr. Biles gave different names to these kingdoms.  Oh, well.  Maybe I'm wrong.
AMI: Personally, I don't see what's wrong with tallow.  All that animal fat just going to waste.]

Ukyou sidled over to Ranma and said softly, "I bet you're happy to
be able to be a guy again."

[UKYO: Go, Ukyo!  Hit 'im again with the subtle hints!  Then knock 'im down with the sexual one-two!
MURMUR: Sexual one-two?  No, don't explain.  Yeesh.]

"Yeah, it is nice. I half-expected Setsuna to insist I stay a
girl, but she told me it was a good idea to get used to being male again."
He shrugged. "I dunno what the hell I'll do if I get taken to the Tower
like she was talking about. I mean, I'd need to be a woman and everything
in order to channel and..." He sighed. "I don't want to be a woman."

[MURMUR: Hey, anyone else hear ominous music playing?
AMI: You mean the kind that is followed by yet more foreshadowing?
MURMUR: Yeah.
AMI: Faintly.]

"Well, at least we wouldn't be separated," Ukyou said. "And once
you learn enough not to die, then you can just quit that and be my warder.
Then you wouldn't need to be a woman."

[UKYO: Except on my birthday!  Hee hee!
MURMUR: . . . You're wearing evil underwear, aren't you?
UKYO: It's only midly unpleasant.]

"That's true," Ranma said, perking up. "Wait...to not die?"

[UKYO: He's . . . he's not running away from commitment.  Oh, happy day!
AMI: "Oh give me land, lots of land."]

"Once you start channeling, if you don't learn to control it,
you'll die. I've been working with Setsuna Sedai to learn. And so has
Wisdom Hinako, though she pretends she isn't watching."

[MURMUR: Hinako hasn't done much delinquent punishing, has she?
UKYO: Not as much as she used to.  Which I guess is a good thing.]

Ranma laughed. "Can you do anything cool yet?"

[MURMUR: Asked Ranma, immedietly ignoring the news of his imminent death.  Cause Ranma was a real man, and real men didn't worry about things like that.
UKYO: There's this thing that I can do with my . . . well, you'll just have to wait and see, Ranchan.  Hee.
AMI: I'll be moving over here . . .]

Ukyou glanced at Setsuna, then said softly, "I'm not supposed to
do this without her watching, but..." She concentrated, seizing the
Source and then fumblingly yanking threads of Fire about to make a tiny
flame which bobbed in her hand. "I'm still learning," she said.

[UKYO: With the power of the Source, Ranma *will* be mine!  Moo hoo ha ha!
AMI: Maybe I should move further away.]

Ranma felt his arms prickle, and he rubbed them. Must be the
heat, he thought.

[MURMUR: Why do they never get that?  Why?
AMI: It wouldn't be as much fun if he learned straight away.]

Setsuna's head turned about. "I said, no channeling without me
supervising you." She snuffed the flame with but a thought. "If you're
that eager, you can come walk with me and do some practice exercises,
Ukyou."

[MURMUR: Should Setsuna be able to do that?  I mean, wouldn't that burn her or something?
AMI: Perhaps she used Air.
UKYO: Moo hoo ha ha!]

"Should I..." Ranma began.

[MURMUR: Take over all the lands in a bid to defeat the Dark One?
AMI: Take up learning how to pilot Veritechs--oh, excuse me, Valkyries?
UKYO: Become a cross-dressing idol singer?]

"If you like," Setsuna said. "But your time as a boy will likely
be very restricted soon, so I assume you will want to enjoy it while you
can."

[UKYO: Whoo!  Whoo!
AMI: Oh, dear, Setsuna-san.  How salacious of you.]

Ranma sighed. "Do I really need to go to the Tower?"

[MURMUR: Is . . . is that a metaphor for sex?
AMI: Most things are.]

"I believe so," Setsuna said. "Unless circumstances change." She
looked thoughtful. "Perhaps you should come and walk with us. You won't
see the weaves, but it won't hurt for you to start learning the theories
behind it all."

[AMI: (as Setsuna) Or, alternately, you could turn into a woman and see the weaves as well as learn the theories.  But I suppose consciously controlling a life-threatening power is less interesting than showing a so-called "instinctual," herky jerky control over it.
MURMUR: Oh, now you're expecting sense from these people.  That's too much to ask for.]

Ranma nodded and walked forward, walking to the left of Setsuna as
Ukyou walked to the right of her. Hinako walked near the front with Soun,
just behind Umino, who continued to ramble on with his story. Kurz,
Ryouga, and Nanami were just behind Soun and Hinako, listening to the
story.

[MURMUR: I'd say something snarky but, god, I'm just revelling in the prose of Biles.  At once spare, information-dense, and funny.  This is how it should be all the time.  Actual descriptions!]

"Imagine that you are the flower," Setsuna said to Ukyou. "The
sun beating down on you, the air full of warmth. You must open yourself
to it."

[UKYO: What the hell am I?  A hippy?  Go peddle your pot-smoking flower power somewhere else!
MURMUR: Now *that's* a metaphor for sex.
AMI: Indeed.]

She and Ukyou walked with eyes half-shut, their faces calm, with a
subtle happiness to their expression. I wonder if this is like the void
exercise, Ranma thought. In his mind, he imagined a flame, floating among
his emotions. He fed them into the flame, until only he and the flame
remained, utterly calm and controlled, in the void. There was
something...something outside the void, trying to break in. A surging
sea.

[MURMUR: That's quite an intuitive jump from Ranma's perspective.  I mean, they're obviously pretty happy during the exercise, unlike the Void thing.
AMI: Well, it's not as if there's any other mental exercise for him to compare it to.]

"Open yourself," Setsuna said. "Let it flow through you; you must
guide it from within."

[FANBOY: "For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.  Life creates it, makes it grow.  Its energy surrounds us and binds us."
MURMUR: Who keeps letting you in?
AMI: Heh heh.]

Ukyou nodded, and her arms began to open wide.

[UKYO: Faaaaaaarrr ouuuuuttt, maaaaaaann.  Ittt's like there's a party in my mind, man, and, like, everyone's RSVPed.
MURMUR: Righteous.
AMI: Groovy.]

Ranma could feel something, something huge and powerful, out
there, trying to break into his void. He reached out and grabbed it,
shoving it into the flame, letting the flame consume and control it. It
raged and gibbered and howled and bucked, and as it burned in his flame,
the void began to fill with a nasty smoke which made Ranma want to cough.
And yet the struggle with it made him feel more alive as well.

[MURMUR: Good lord, it's like watching post-modern porn.
AMI: "Trying to break into his void"?  Oh, my.
UKYO: Wooooowwww.]

"Now, call forth the light into your palm," Setsuna said, holding
out her hands. "And weave a little tongue of flame."

[MURMUR: I'm getting a bit uncomfortable, what with all the sexual metaphors.
UKYO: You just gotta loosen up, maaaan.  It's like, wow!]

Through the roiling, raging sea, Ranma could feel something,
several somethings. Near him, somewhere through the howling sea around
him, there were islands, islands of peaceful serenity in the howling sea.
He made for them desperately, afraid to speak for fear of losing control
of whatever exactly was howling around him. He reached out for those
islands, a hand towards each.

[MURMUR: Yeah, this is getting a bit too far afield for me.]

Someone was speaking to him, was it Hinako? Something about his
face. He reached for the islands, and somehow, they reached for him, and
then they grasped his hands, and the howling sea twined about the serene
waters, and then he could see and hear again.

[MURMUR: In the immortal words of Marty McFly, "Heavy."]

He could feel something, something like pipes, connecting him to
Setsuna and Ukyou, both of whom had their eyes wide open, staring in
surprise. "My brain hurts," Ranma mumbled.

[MURMUR: Me and you both, brother.]

"You...you..." Ukyou said.

[UKYO: Oh, yeah.]

"So, he mounted his horse, Athelas, a mighty steed from Jaramide,"
Umino continued. "As I understand it, Athelas was from a line of
particularly good horses raised by the Braemen family, who had taken up
horse breeding a good five centuries earlier. Oh what was that
fellow...Aengus. Aengus Braemen, who had been a stableboy..." Umino
rambled on.

[AMI: If it doesn't have anything to do with Naru-san, Umino-san rarely pays any attention to anything.  I have no idea how he got to be such a proficient gossip.]

"You...we're linked," Setsuna said.

[MURMUR: (as Setsuna) And not just because your mother was once married to a relative of mine.]

"Linked? What's that?" Ukyou asked.

[UKYO: And is it as sexy as it sounds?]

"I intended to teach you later," Setsuna said. "Channelers can
combine their powers in order to work feats greater than a single
channeler can alone. Up to thirteen women can link together. It is said
that men and women could link as well, forming larger groups."

[UKYO: Really?  Thirteen women and even more men?  Well, there's only Ranchan, but . . . hmm . . . Mako-chan, Haruka . . . maybe even Nanami . . . hmm.  Something to think about.
AMI: It has nothing to do with sex.  It's about linking power and energy and souls together to form a unity of strength, one that is enough to keep back a sea of Daemons or destroy a plant-filled meteor.  Nothing sexual.  Not even when I feel a little tingle from being linked with Minako-chan.
UKYO: Oh, you're no fun anymore.]

"But Ranma...if he..." Ukyou's eyes widened. "But, he channeled
as a girl as well. I mean..."

[UKYO: You see, right there?  That's me confronting an unpleasant truth.   But I don't shrink away from it, no sir!]

Everyone was staring now. Setsuna seemed to somehow regain her
composure from this, and said, "Apparently, his transformation enables him
to channel dubin as a boy and subin as a girl."

[MURMUR: Setsuna seemed pretty composed before everyone was staring.
AMI: Setsuna-san has a streak of exihibitionism in her.  You can tell that from the fact that such a, mm, *mature* woman is still wearing her sailor fuku.]

"But, anyone who channels dubin goes mad!" Ukyou said frantically.

[MURMUR: Candidates for the worst dub ever?
AMI: Macross II.  Awful thing that should die a horrible death, always.
UKYO: Urusei Yatsura Movie 2: Beautiful Dreamer.  What in the world were they thinking?  The dubbing completely ruined a great movie.
MURMUR: And for me, it was Babel II.  It went from a bad taste in the mouth, to a sharp pain in the gut, to a black space monster bursting from the stomach.  So basically avoid anything with the number 2 on it.]

"Ranma, what were you doing when you suddenly started channeling?"
Setsuna asked.

[MURMUR: It's ALL double entendres!  "What were you *doing* when you started *channeling*" indeed!
AMI: You'd have to *really* want to, to read that kind of thing in that sentence.
UKYO: Whoo!  Naughty, naughty Setsuna!  Whoo!]

"I was practicing the Flame and the Void. It's a mental focus
thing that Pop taught me. For combat and archery and things," Ranma said.

[MURMUR: . . . Nope, can't twist it to mean sex in any way.  Well, I could make a Cerebus reference, but that's just too . . . fanboyish.
FANBOY: Eh?
MURMUR: Nothing.  Go away.]

Setsuna frowned. "Can you see this?" she asked, weaving Air and
Fire together.

[UKYO: (as Ranma) It's . . . it's your middle finger?]

"Yes, although I couldn't see the weaves before," Ranma said.

[MURMUR: Is Ranma a boy or a girl now?
AMI: Umm . . . boy, I think.]

"Hmm, interesting," Setsuna said. "Alright, we will have to
practice like this."

[AMI: What did I tell you?  Scary.]

"But...it's bad for him!" Ukyou said frantically.

[UKYO: Like not brushing his teeth after meals.  Gingivitis: it's worse than the Dark One.]

Ryouga and Kurz both had backed to a safe distance and were
watching warily.

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Ukyo's scary when she gets like that.
AMI: (as Ryouga) I thought we were backing away from Ranma.
MURMUR: (as Kurz) No, no.  Women are far scarier than an insane Ranma.]

"Are you mad yourself, Aes Sedai?" Hinako said. "If he's going to
practice, make him a woman, so he can do it safely."

[UKYO: (as Hinako) And not just beccause I think she's sexy.  Mmm . . . sex change.
AMI: *Sigh*.]

"Did you not hear what Umino told us?" Setsuna said. "It takes a
man and a woman channeling together to operate the Eye of God. We may
need...to do that."

[ALL: Bum bum BUUUUUUMMMMMM!]

Ranma's eyes widened. "What?"

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Grrr.  I haven't said a word in too long.]

"Where else will we find a man who can channel who is not mad?"
Setsuna asked. "Or not sworn to the Dark? I cannot say I like it, but I
think we have no choice. I do not know if I can teach you much, Ranma.
Our records indicate the Power works very differently for men and women.
But I think we must take this risk."

[AMI: She always does this.  'Oh, we need to make a horrible sacrifice that we don't want to do, boo hoo, oh what a world.'  She's so addicted to melodrama.]

"So, he saddled his horse and he rode to Braergrin Maegloth, which
now is known as Ergran Lothlan, I think. Some of the Ogier work may still
be standing, I'm not sure, but I understand they have beautiful stands of
Faerlas trees there, glittering golden in the sun..." Umino didn't seem
to have noticed the crisis at all.

[MURMUR: You know, Umino seems like a blithering idiot, but under that facade of carefully maintained obliviousness is a very devious Ogier.  I think he's going to turn evil.
AMI: Why do you say that?
MURMUR: Oh, at least one character in every Biles series turns evil, then becomes saved through the power of love.  At least two Biles cliffhangers right now center on just that, mostly from Ranma being kidnapped.]

Ranma sighed. "Do I have a choice?"

[ALL: No.
UKYO: Haven't you been paying attention, Ranchan?]

"You are ta'veren. The Pattern bends and twists itself around
you. You can influence it greatly, but only if you move the direction it
wishes you to move. But ultimately, you have the freedom to choose,"
Setsuna said.

[AMI: (as Setsuna) Though not much, and all within my sight if I have anything to say about it.  Which I shall.  I shall indeed.]

He sighed again. "I will do what I must. I don't want to go mad,
but if the Dark One seizes the Eye of God..."

[MURMUR: (as Ranma) Then it'll be the Eye of the Dark One.
AMI: One eye to rule them all?
UKYO: Doesn't have the right ring to it.]

"It will be a great nightmare for all of us," Setsuna said softly.
She turned to everyone else. "Tell no one of this. There are many who
would fear and hate Ranma for this, though it is beyond his control. For
now, we must keep it secret."

[MURMUR: Huh.  Trying to save a world that fears and hates him, huh?  Sounds . . . familiar.
UKYO: Sounds like a franchise in the making.]

The others nodded, though Hinako glared at Setsuna, fit to set her
on fire.

[UKYO: Doesn't she wish.
AMI: Don't we all wish.]

"Hinako, you should join us," Setsuna said.

[UKYO: Huh.  Is that an invitation for a little hanky panky.  A little hokey pokey.  A lot of spanky spanky?
MURMUR: Cripes.]

"I don't want to..." Hinako began.

[UKYO: The reluctant, shy ones are always the wildest.
AMI: Hey, now.  Don't tell everyone . . . 
MURMUR: Eh?]

"Please, won't you help us?" Ukyou asked.

[UKYO: Pwetty pwease?]

"I would be grateful," Ranma said softly.

[UKYO: Grateful?  Ha!  I love the man, but he don't know the meaning of the word.]

Hinako softened, then said, "What do I have to do?"

[UKYO: So commanding.  Hmmm.
MURMUR: I think I'll join you over there, Ami.]

Hinako fished out one of her attack coins. "Alright."

[MURMUR: I see nothink, NOTHINK!]

"Get one of your coins," Setsuna said.

[UKYO: Well, first you take off those clothes and slap on this coconut oil . . .
MURMUR: *Sigh*.]

"Point it at me," Setsuna said.

[UKYO: You say that with such conviction!  You must have a lot of experience saying that, Setsuna-chan.
AMI: Setsuna-*chan*?  Oh, my.]

Hinako grinned a little as she did that. "Now what?"

[MURMUR: That's not a very nice grin.]

"Blast us," Setsuna said.

[AMI: Since she said "us," I must assume that she meant blasting all of the group.  So it's a wide spray, rather than a concentrated blast.
MURMUR: Okay.  That was pretty pointless.
AMI: Clarification and education is never pointless.]

"Can't argue with that," Hinako said. "DELINQUENT PUNISHING
ATTACK!" The coin glowed, and the energy flowed towards Setsuna. Ranma
could see threads of the one Power all tangled up in the attack, and could
see Setsuna ready flows of Spirit. They met the attack and wrapped around
it, joining it to the threads he could see connecting himself and Ukyou
and Setsuna. He felt the Power, the power of Dubin, flow through the
links, into Hinako, along with that of Subin. Hinako screamed in
confusion and panic, then her eyes widened. For a moment, he could see
white light shine in one eye, black in the other, and then she shook and
grew, taking on her adult form. The surging energies steadied, and Hinako
looked at herself. "That was...how did...I remember when Ranma blocked my
attack at the inn, but..."

[MURMUR: Okay, what the hell?
AMI: It seems that all this time Hinako-sensei was in child form, though she certainly did not act like it.  Though from the attack, it seems as if energy is going from Hinako-sensei to Setsuna-san, which only happens when Hinako-sensei is in adult form and has the ki to do that.
MURMUR: Yeah, that's messed up.
UKYO: Huh?]

"You will learn in time," Setsuna Sedai said. "We all have much
to learn."

[AMI: (as Setsuna) Except me.  I know everything and am quite smug about it.  Mweh.  Heh.  Heh.
UKYO: Hostile much?]

"The King rushed into the building with a bucket of water,
determined to help his subjects, as clearly the building was on fire, with
smoke seeping from the cracks. He was surprised to find that it was full
of meat hanging from the ceiling and many fires, carefully tended in pits.
The meat was too high up to cook with the fires, so he didn't understand,
for, you see, he had been raised in a palace, and so he was lacking in the
fundamentals of meat preservation..." Umino continued on.

[AMI: Well, it is a funny story.
MURMUR: It is.  But it still derails the narrative momentum.
AMI: Still funny.]

"I think Umino will give us all the learning we can survive," Kurz
said.

[MURMUR: It's not much of a quip, is it?]

Setsuna smiled a small smile. "I suppose he will."

[AMI: You see?  Evil!  Eeeeviillll!]

*********

After what seemed like eternity, King Thorin finally reached the
village of Paramelle, where Maeve, the daughter of the candlemaker,
dwelled, and the hallway began to widen and contort. Slowly, the center
of the hallway began to rise, as did the ceiling, while ruts began to form
along the walls. Soon, it became a bridge arching upwards over darkness,
towards a far distant platform, hovering over the blackness with no
apparent means of support. Bridges twisted away from the platform in
seemingly impossible ways as it glowed a soft red. Pillars rose nearly
eight feet tall, but very thin, flowing organically out of the rock of the
platform, rising next to each bridge.

[MURMUR: Shouldn't there be quotes here?
AMI: I'm beginning to suspect that this King Thorin story is some form of parallel narrative; meta-fiction, in other words.
UKYO: You think?  . . . Naah.  That's just *too* much.
MURMUR: Yeah, quotes just at the beginning.]

"So, he knocked thrice upon the door, as was the custom in
Aramaelle when one went a courting. Six knocks was for business, and nine
knocks for relatives. I understand there were other special knocks as
well, but the book was damaged, unfortunately, and so I never learned
them," Umino said.

[MURMUR: Well, there was ninety-seven knocks if you were a hat-maker wearing green that was calling about an advertisment in Tuesday's paper but coming on a Saturday.
AMI: There was the single knock that indicated a sexual partner.
UKYO: But the Spanish Inquisition never knocked, because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.  Their chief weapon is surprise, you know.
AMI: Oh.
FANBOY: I knew that!]

"We will camp here," Setsuna said. "As we need to rest for the
night and eat."

[UKYO: I'll make my world-famous Okonomiyaki!
MURMUR: Where do you get all that equipment from, anyway?
UKYO: Heh heh, it's a secret.  Ah, taste my meal of love, Ranchan!]

Umino paused. "You did bring food, right? The waystations were
once clean and warm and abundant with food and water, but as you see, the
darkness on the ways has made them less hospitable."

[MURMUR: Incredibly rude cashiers now either completely ignore you or, after waiting for hours, tell you to "Bug off."]

"So what's down there anyway?" Kurz asked, peering over the edge.

[AMI: The mines of Moria?
MURMUR: Atlantis?
UKYO: The ending?]

"An endless fall into darkness until you starve," Umino said.

[MURMUR: Sounds exactly like the last time I watched a James Bond movie.  That franchise is dead and gone, man.]

"Ugh. What holds all this up?" Ryouga asked.

[AMI: It's turtles all the way down!
MURMUR: That's pretty obscure, Ami.
AMI: The turtle moves!]

"The Power," Umino said.

[UKYO: Oh, that's his answer for everything!]

"But..isn't this place falling apart because of the taint on
dubin?" Ryouga asked.

[UKYO: Suddenly thinking this is a bad idea?  Having some second thoughts?  Wishing you were back home?
MURMUR: (as Ryouga) Yes, yes and yes.
UKYO: Tough!  Suck it up!  Aren't you a man?]

"Now you know why we don't use the Ways any more," Umino said.

[AMI: (as Umino) That and as a protest against their homogenization of world culture.  Just three thousand years ago, you only had to go thirty leagues to hit a truly foreign land with its own language and customs.
MURMUR: The previous opinion does not reflect the views of Psuedo-Evangelical Babylon Theatre 4 4/5.  Having said that, Down with the WTO!  Down with the World Bank!  Viva la France!  Viva la revolution!
UKYO: You people call me a freak . . .]

Ryouga shuddered. "I see."

[MURMUR: Don't look down, man.  All sorts of eldritch horrors are waiting to take over your lower colon!]

They reached the platform and tethered Soun and Hinako and
Setsuna's horses. Umino went round the pillars to see which way to go in
the morning, while Ukyou set up her grill and lit a little flame with the
Power in it. Then she began cooking.

[UKYO: I guess there's one good thing about the Power; I don't have to bother with gas cannisters.  Those things are expensive!]

"So, I guess you and Ukyou get to save the world, huh," Kurz said
to Ranma as he and Ranma and Ryouga sat down to rest.

[UKYO: Yay!]

"No wonder the Dark One sent his Fanboys to kill us," Ranma said,
picking up several rocks and juggling them idly. "He must have known,
somehow, that one of us could channel." He winced at the thought. "I'm
going to have to...dammit. Dammit, I don't want to have to live as a
woman just to stay sane."

[UKYO: Aww.  Poor Ranchan.
MURMUR: Huh, who said women *were* OW!
AMI & UKYO: Hmph.]

"At least you can stay sane," Kurz said. "If the Dark One hadn't
sent his Fanboys, you never would have gotten transformed, and then you'd
be doomed to go mad with no escape." He looked thoughtful. "I wonder if
Prince Dios is still looking for the Ronin Reborn."

[MURMUR: (as Dios) Ronin-san!  Wherefor art thou, Ronin-san?
UKYO: Dios was still owed thirty bucks from the last turning of the wheel, and with that compound interest, you know that the Ronin will never show up anywhere near him.]

"He gave you a ring, right?" Ryouga asked.

[MURMUR: (as Ryouga) I'm so jealous.]

"He tried to be my boyfriend and give me jewelry," Ranma muttered.
"I guess he likes it both ways."

[UKYO: Coming and going?  Hee hee hee.
AMI: I'm not even going to try to untangle that double entendre.]

Kurz winced. "I am NOT gay!"

[UKYO: Pfft.]

"Hmm," Ryouga said. He got up and wandered over to Setsuna.

[AMI: Stay away from my man, you hussy!
UKYO: Buh?
AMI: I--I mean--oh, my.]

Ranma laughed. "You'd make a lousy woman, Kurz."

[AMI: Oh, I don't know.  He has lovely hair.]

"YOU make a lousy woman," Kurz said.

[UKYO: Hey!  Why don'cha come over here and say that about my girl!  Huh?  Punk.]

"You'd be all flat-chested," Ranma said. "And too thin. Like
Nuriko."

[AMI: Ah.  Dramatic irony.]

Kurz turned slightly green. "Shut up."

[UKYO: Huh.]

"Hmm, if we braided your hair, put you in a dress, people might
not even be able to tell as it is now..." Ranma said.

[MURMUR: Oh, lord, *another* "Some Like It Hot" "homage" episode.  Blech.]

"Shut up!" Kurz said.

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Kind of wishing that I'd go back to not saying anything . . .]

"So, like, what kind of..."

[AMI: What in the world is Ranma-san trying to ask here?
MURMUR: (as Kurz) Are you coming onto me?
UKYO: (as Ranma) What if I was?]

"Don't make me throw you into the endless void!" Kurz said.

[MURMUR: Uck.  The author is most obviously bored by Kurz.]

"Geez, calm down," Ranma said. "I was just yanking your chain."

[UKYO: Hee.]

Kurz winced.

[ALL: So do we.]

Setsuna came over. "Ranma, would you describe Dios' sister who
you met in your dream?"

[MURMUR: Who?  Whom?
AMI: I think whom, here.  But don't quote me on that.]

"Eh? Umm, dark skinned, kind of curly purple hair in an elaborate
hairdo, sort of cute in a bookish sort of way, glasses, medium build, wore
this red dress."

[AMI: Hmph.  "Cute in a bookish sort of way."  And what kind of way is that?  Just because we choose not to dress like, like harlots does not mean that we are not burning, writhing volcanoes of sexual fury!
UKYO: You tell 'em, sexy!
MURMUR: I'm moving waaaayyy over there . . .]

"Did she wear a neck collar or band or ribbon?"

[UKYO: Ooh!  Bondage-wear.
MURMUR: If you take off her ribbon, does her head fall off?
AMI: Poor, evil Anthy-san.
MURMUR: How does Setsuna know about that collar thing, anyway?]

"Yeah, like the one he tried to give me," Ranma said.

[UKYO: You'd look pretty with some jewels, Ranchan.]

Setsuna frowned and looked over at Ryouga, who said, "We didn't
actually meet one."

[MURMUR: Meet one what?  Meet Dios' sister?  Or a neck collar?
AMI: I think it's "We didn't actually meet HER."]

Setsuna sighed. "If you dream of Dios tonight, do not accept any
further gifts and let me know in the morning. If you do not dream of him,
also let me know."

[AMI: Setsuna-san is so put upon.]

"I don't understand," Kurz said.

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) I don't understand why I'm so bland.  My source characters are so lively!
UKYO: Meanie.]

"Not everything is as it seems in dreams," Setsuna said. "When
you dreamed of Dios, Ryouga did not, and he was close enough for me to be
shielding his dreams. I fear corruption may be wearing a fair face."

[MURMUR: Huh.  Does shielding work like that?
AMI: Who knows.]

"And the ring..." Kurz said.

[AMI: (as Setsuna) What ring?  Oh, that ring!  Don't you remember, you gave it to me.
MURMUR: (as Kurz) I . . . I did?
AMI: (as Setsuna) Oh, you handed it to me a while ago.]

"It seems to just be a ring," Setsuna said. "But it looks exactly
like the rings worn by the High Duellists which Ryouga and Ukyou met. I
am not sure what it may mean, but best to not risk wearing it."

[UKYO: So she doesn't know, but she's just paranoid.
MURMUR: Paranoiac?
UKYO: Paranoid.]

Kurz sighed. "But if the dreams could be tricks..."

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Does this mean that I *won't* have a harem of cute girls and live a life of delightful sin?  Aww.]

"We may be walking into a trap or chasing wild geese," Setsuna
said. "Unfortunately, we will have to risk that."

[AMI: (as Setsuna) I suggest the most expendible of us go first.  After you, Hinako.]

"I guess," Kurz said. "I just have this feeling that it's a
trap."

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) And I enjoy it in a weird way.]

"We shall see."

[ALL: Bum bum BUUUUUMMMMM!]

***********

"We caught him poking around the Ogier grove, Sedai," Guard
Captain Perm said to Fatora Sedai. He deposited the tiny little man in a
chair. "He was trying to blow that building open with fireworks."

[MURMUR: Chibi?
AMI: Chibi-Usa?  NOOOOOO!!!!
UKYO: Relax.  It's just Happosai.]

"The vine-carving building?" Fatora asked.

[MURMUR: Nothing to say here.]

"Yes, Sedai," Perm said.

[MURMUR: Nor here.]

Fatora glanced over at Allielle, who said, "We had best
interrogate him in private, Captain. You were wise to bring him to us."

[UKYO: Why is Fatora complimenting someone?  How bizarre.]

Perm nodded and saluted. "I will leave some of my men outside
your quarters, to dispose of him once you are done, Sedais."

[MURMUR: (as Perm) And if you happen to be making love, could you be loud?  Those doors are really thick.]

"Very good," Fatora said. "That is all."

[UKYO: She . . . she's going to laugh maniacally, isn't she?]

Perm left.

[ALL: Thank you!]

Fatora looked down at the man. "So, why were you trying to break
into a building on royal property?"

[AMI: Because he's a tool of a Manichean evil?]

"I was trying to chase Darkfriends," the man said. "I am
Happousai, a peddlar. I have been chasing several Darkfriends, all the
way from the Two Rivers."

[AMI: Why in the world would a peddlar be chasing Darkfriends?
UKYO: Revenge!  Moo hoo ha ha!  Sweet, sweet vengeance!  Worth waiting for for years and chasing your target to the ends of the Earth!  Oh, sweet mother revenge!]

"Darkfriends from the Two Rivers, who you chased all the way to
Caemlyn, where they then went into that building?" Fatora said dubiously.

[MURMUR: Wasn't Fatora a Darkfriend?
AMI: No, her WOT counterpart was under the control of the Black Ajah, but she wasn't a darkfriend herself.
UKYO: Wait, shouldn't this be "Dub-friends" or something else Dub?
MURMUR: Yeah, probably.]

"Ryouga Ayabara, Ranma al'Thor, and Kurz Cauthon," Happousai said,
half-spitting their names. "They are very low and cunning. Seducers and
users of poor, innocent women."

[UKYO: (as Nuriko) And rich, corrupt . . . royalty!  Yeah!]

Fatora's eyes glittered. "Interesting. Tell me more..."

[MURMUR: (as Happosai) Well, I'm a tool of the Dark One . . . um, I'm a Picses, I like long walks on the beach and chasing children.  But not in a Michael Jackson sort of way.  I'm evil, but not that evil.]

There was much to be told.

[AMI: All of it lies.]

**********

Ryouga chased a herd of deer through the woods; they fled as best
it could, but he kept coming, relentless. Around him were his friends,
all of them eager for the kill, for the taste of the warm meat of the
deer.

[AMI: You could probably leave out the "of the deer" at the end of the last sentence.]

But just as they finally were catching up to the deer, one of the
pigs turned to him. "Wake up."

[MURMUR: And Ryouga woke up to concerned faces.  "I had the most wonderful dream.  And you were in it, and you were in it!  Oh, there's no place like home!"
UKYO: . . .]

"What?" he asked in confusion.

[MURMUR: (as Kurz) Am I in this story at all?]

"You must awaken," the pig said. "Trouble is coming."

[AMI: (as Pig) His name is Wimpy.  For the love of god, don't lend money to him or you'll never get rid of him.]

"I must wake up?" He tried to make himself awaken.

[SHINJI: No, you mustn't run away!  Heh heh.
MURMUR: Wha?
SHINJI: Well, I have to do something before I show up in this story.
AMI: Who do you think you'll be cast as, Shinji-san?
SHINJI: With my luck?  Probably one of the Asha'man that bonds with an Aes Sedai.  And it'll probably be Asuka.  Damn it.]

He was on the platform, which now glowed a soft blue. Soun was up
on watch duty, and Hinako, still in her adult form, to Ryouga's surprise,
was sitting with him. It appeared they might be holding hands, Ryouga
realized.

[UKYO: That's because Tendo-san, despite his obvious faults, is no pedophile.
MURMUR: Holding hands this early in the relationship?]

He hated to disturb them, but it had to be done. "Excuse me, but
I had this dream in which...umm...I think trouble may be coming."

[MURMUR: His name is Wimpy!  Wimpy Trouble!]

Soun started and Hinako leaped to her feet. "Trouble? What?
Can't two people..."

[UKYO: Be making sweet, illicit nookie?]

Soun talked over her. "What sort of trouble, Ayabara?"

[MURMUR: Huh.  Just noticed that he's been calling Ryouga "Ayabara" and not "Aybara" for a while.  He gave it as such in Happosai's conversation with Fatora, too.
SHINJI: Rei Ayabara?  Hmm . . .
AMI: Probably not.]

"I don't know," he said. "But..."

[MURMUR: (as Ryouga) A pig in my dreams told me that Wimpy was coming.
AMI: (as Hinako) Not Wimpy!  He says that he'll pay you next Tuesday for a hamburger today but he never does!]

Then he heard the faint strain of music in the distance. He tried
to listen, but it was hard to hear, though slowly getting closer.

[MURMUR: An eldritch, screeching of blasphemous flutes as might be played by mindless attendents to a horror beyond the stars?]

"Can you hear that?" he asked.

[UKYO: Nope!]

"Hinako, wake everyone," Soun said. "Which way, boy?"

[MURMUR: (as Ryouga) Tharaway, Cap'n!]

"That way," Ryouga said, pointing.

[AMI: Where is he pointing?]

Soun walked over as Hinako shook everyone awake. Setsuna Sedai
sat up, asking, "What's going on?"

[AMI: How casual of Setsuna-san.]

"Music," Soun said. "Something is making music."

[UKYO: And not the good kind of sweet, sweet music of two or more bodies thumping against each other.]

Umino's ears twitched. "The Machin Shaft."

[MURMUR: He's a complicated evil mist thingy but no one understands him but his woman.
UKYO: Machin Shaft!]

"The what?" Nanami asked.

[UKYO: Shaft!
AMI: Can you dig it?]

"The Blaxploitation Wind," Setsuna said. "If it catches you, it
devours most of your mind, leaving you reduced to a stock character from a
Blaxploitation Saga."

[MURMUR: They have Blaxploitation in Randland?
AMI: Mmm . . .]

"What, like one of the faceless guys who gets shot in the head to
prove the hero is a badass?" Kurz asked.

[UKYO: Hey, look, foreshadowing!
MURMUR: How do you mean?
UKYO: Well, obviously Ranma's going to kill one of those faceless vampire guys to prove he's a badass, right?
AMI: But would those vampire men be in the same world as Fanboys?]

"Or a hooker with a heart of gold or a pimp or whatever."

[UKYO: Probably hooker.  You can't be a pimp with a heart of gold, despite what Ice-T would tell you.]

"We must hurry," Umino said. "This Black Wind is a bad mother."

[ALL: Shut your mouth!]

"We can dig it," Nanami mumbled.

[ALL: Shaft!]

"Is it a sex machine to all the chicks?" Kurz asked.

[UKYO: You're damn right.]

"Let's not find out," Setsuna said. "Gather your possessions.
Let's go."

[AMI: I suppose that Setsuna-san is *not* a cat who won't cop out when there's danger all about.
UKYO: Right on.]

They took off through the ways, hearing the music slowly grow
closer. They passed through a series of curving staircases and ramps,
past and through and over and under many platforms, including what Ranma
was sure was the same one three times.

[MURMUR: The geography of the Ways are so confusing.  Are they on a road, or a platform, or what?]

They could see it behind them now, a huge storm of dark winds and
voices howling in unison, singing an endless, maddening song. /Who's the
black evil wind / that's an instant lobotomy to all it meets? / Machin
Shaft! / You're damn right.../

[MURMUR: That's not a maddening song.  This is: This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends.  Someone started singing it, not knowing what it was.  And they'll go on singing it forever just because.]

It drew closer, ever closer. Ranma felt the icy grip of fear and
tried to calm himself with the Flame and the Void, but as he did it, he
started to feel the raging sea of Dubin again. Madness behind him,
madness all around him. He let go of the Void, then tried to take it
again. This time he couldn't feel Dubin. And he was grateful for that.

[AMI: Then why did he try again?
UKYO: He's stubborn.]

Soun picked up Hinako and carried her when she finally reverted to
a child; she looked quite embarrassed. After that, Nanami was the one who
had the hardest time keeping up. Ranma fell back to run alongside her,
ready to pick her up if he had to.

[UKYO: I should be jealous right about now . . .]

They finally crested a bridge and came down into what became a
simple tunnel. They could see the end in sight. Unfortunately, the
Machin Shaft was going to reach them before Umino could get the gate open.

[UKYO: I'm surpised that Ryouga didn't get lost by now.]

"I will try to ward it..." Setsuna began.

[AMI: Sorry?  Ward it away?]

"DELINQUENT PUNISHING ATTACK!" Hinako shouted at the Machin Shin,
holding up a coin.

[MURMUR: Oh, good idea.  Steal the energy of an evil mist monster, that's nice.]

"No, it's life energy is tainted!" Setsuna said. "And it..."

[AMI: Hmm . . . is Hinako-sensei drawing out Spirit or something else?  What exactly is her attack in Randland?]

The Machin Shaft lost the beat as Hinako drained its life force.
Hinako's skin turned dark as she grew larger, and her eyes glittered. It
lurched back, like a dog licking its wounds. "Don't get fresh with me,
boy!" Hinako shouted at it with a sultry voice. "I haven't got time for
posers like you, nipping at my heels. I've got vengeance to take. Later,
loser."

[MURMUR: What is "it"?  Is "it" Hinako?
UKYO: Where are you going, Hinako-sensei?]

"Woman been done wrong," Kurz muttered.

[MURMUR: Hey, he's talking again.  Weird . . .]

Umino got the gate open, and they dashed out into the waiting
building. He carefully sealed the gate behind them even as the Machin
Shaft got up the guts to try again.

[MURMUR: "Them" including Hinako?]

They were at the base of a hill, among broken stones, some of
which were elaborately carved in places, others ordinary boulders. Far
above them, they could see a great fortress rising up around the
sprawling, rolling open landscape all about them. The Waygate seemed
almost lost, a refugee from another time.

[AMI: Well, in a way I suppose . . .]

"The Grove is gone," Umino said softly.

[UKYO: But we're safe.  Well, most of us.]

"Destroyed in the Fanboy Wars, I expect," Setsuna said. "Fal Dara
is a mere shadow of the glory of long departed Mafal Dardanell." She
pointed to the distant fortress city. "We will go to Fal Dara and rest.
Tomorrow, we plunge into the Blight."

[AMI: Everyone seems to have forgotten poor, maddened Hinako-sensei.]

Ranma yawned. "Will we be able to sleep?"

[UKYO: Who said anything about . . . sleeping?]

"Hopefully. We should be safe in Fal Dara," Soun said. "Though
no place is completely safe in this world."

[AMI: Especially with Hinako-sensei turned into an "it."]

"Indeed," Setsuna said. "Let's go."

[AMI: She certainly says that alot.
MURMUR: So, what did you ladies think of this chapter?
AMI: A bit uneven.  The first portion is given over wholly to dialogue, with no scene setting.
UKYO: Yeah, and some of the casting is a bit off, and so is the characterization.  The dialogue is a bit bland, too.  And Ranma and Nanami don't have nearly enough sex with me.
MURMUR: I'm a bit concerned about Hinako seems to disappear for the end.  Also, there seems to be some confusion about the names of places and things.  And the tone is uneven.
AMI: But it's a Biles fic, so it's pretty good overall.
UKYO: Yeah, sure.
MURMUR: Uh huh.  Okay, well, thank you, ladies.  And good night!]



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'