Here comes another one....

"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

It was getting late. They had been searching for the better part of a
half hour now, and although Ranma could search for much longer, it was
becoming tiresome. Akane didn't seem to be faring much better,
herself; half jogging with her shoulders slumped, looking more
frustrated by the moment.

You probably shouldn't use a semicolon there, since the stuff that
follows it isn't a complete clause.

"I just wish I knew why he ran off like that. He looked so sad. Did
you see his eyes, Ranma? I didn't know an animal could show that much
pain. It was...it was almost human," she said quietly. Luckily, Akane
was behind him and missed the nervous expression on Ranma's face.
_Almost human? Try actually human._ She was too distracted to notice
anything though, even if she had been looking at him. That was just as
bad, in a way; he didn't want Akane to be unhappy, or mopping about P-

moping

AKANE: Would you mind handing me that bucket?

RANMA: You wouldn't have to do this if you'd toilet-train him.

"Isn't Ukyo's restaurant around here? I could go for some okonomiyaki.
Plus I've been meaning to ask her about that night, with Ryoga...I
want to find out why she was there." Ranma stopped in his tracks as he
heard her request, and looked down at his companion. Despite their
friendship, or maybe because of it, Ranma didn't want to see Ukyo
right then. She was one of the so called fiancees, that he had to turn

Don't think you need the comma there.

"The hardest? The only other fiancee that you've actually gotten to
know and were friends with?

Seems to me he's friends with all of 'em; he even dated Kodachi to help
her beat her rival.

The only one who you'll actually miss if
she decides she can't handle being just friends with you, and decides
to cut off the friendship?" finished Akane, looking up at him now. Her

Strange comment for her to make. Doesn't she remember how Ranma acted
during the "reversal jewel" story in the manga, when Shamps didn't want
to be friends with him anymore?

"Ranma...if you need more time, just say so. We don't have to get
married right away. We're still young, we're only eighteen. But I...I
told Ryoga, that I couldn't pursue anything with him. It hurt me
deeply, because that hurt Ryoga, and I consider him a friend. Telling
Kuno or Gosunkugi won't hurt me at all, but telling Ryoga was
different. In the end, I made a sacrifice; it may have been sped up by
a confession, but it was a sacrifice. If you want to be with me,
you'll have to tell Ukyo eventually. Chances are, she's already
expecting it anyway. Are you going to wait, keeping your conscious

conscience

RANMA: Yes, I'm hoping to keep conscious. Which depends on keeping both
Ukyo and you from pounding me into a coma.

"What's that?" she asked, casually. _Still with the casual...no,
nothing's happened. Has anything happened, really? We're all just
getting our reality, here. All getting...much needed doses of reality.
Ugh. Ranma hasn't even started talking to me about it yet, and I'm
already feeling like I want to throw composure out the window. And
reality along, with it._

I'd take out that last comma.

"Oh, that? I found Ryoga earlier in the day, wandering the streets. He
told me about the meeting and knowing how he gets lost, I figured I'd
just walk him there. I didn't think he'd run out like that, though,"
replied Ukyo, sitting back down on a stool behind the bar. She had
been annoyed at the accusatory tone in Akane's voice, but now the blue
haired girl looked sad at the mention of that night. _Yeah...that had

I've tried to avoid harping on stuff like this, but... I mean,
puh-LEEEZE. Are we to assume Akane is a punker? A mutant? Has had her
entire head dipped into the inkwell by naughty classmates?

Overall, I really liked this section. The Ranma/Akane argument in the
first half was well done, and it seems just like the former to push
Akane into her obligation while trying to procrastinate on his own.
Toward the end he seemed maybe a bit too articulate, but Ukyo was very
believable and the emotion she was feeling came through nicely.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'