Note to self: ALWAYS send stories that are bigger than the operamail 

client will allow as attached files.

I was going to add my own punchline to Mark's but decided to wait on it. 
Good thing too!

Whatever semblance of order the rooms had was no longer there as their 

owner rampaged through her belongings like a desperate thief, but without 
the intent of stealing.

Better opening, grabs the attention immediately. Lose 'but without the intent 
of stealing.' though, it's redundant.

Belldandy wanted to reveal the fact that she was a goddess to the 

younger Morisato.  From the time she had initially met Keiichi's sibling, she 
felt that Megumi would be worthy to know the truth, as did her brother.  
After much deliberation and receiving clearance from the Almighty, 
Belldandy attempted to contact Megumi for the past few days but to no 
avail. <<

Again, I voice my concerns that this is unneccessary. You've done quite well 
in depicting Bell's worries. She you reveal that Belldandy suspects Mara's 
influence in the matter, she wouldn't _need_ any other reason to check up 
on Megumi anyway.

With a running start, she leaped into the air and into the mirror, sending 

her through the ethereal byways of her mode of transportation. 

A point, if Bell had used teleportation, she would have choosen to appear 
within Megumi's apartment instead of

Running through the doors, she dashed up the stairs to the second floor 

where Keiichi's sister lived.

Forgot to remove the paragraph when you revised?

The core Megumi listened intently as Belldandy slowly reiterated the story 

of how she met Keiichi when they were children.

Again, I'd like to comment that unless Bell has told Keiichi, she'd never tell 
anyone else about the childhood encounter.

'And yet, there are times when even your matchless patience has limits.'

You might consider streamlining this internal monologue. Leave some things 
a mystery for the readers to guess at. Actually, her reply to Megumi on the 
matter is well enough for this fic. I don't think you need any more 
explaination than that.

People would think her crazy to think that a small part of her actually 

*wanted* to be like Verthandi.

BELLDANDY: ...and when I can't control it anymore... I LIKE IT!

Though the feeling of comfort eased whatever worries she had concerning 

Verthandi, her last words still echoed in the back of her mind.

I'd have things to say about repressing your 'dark side'. But they're beyond 
the scope of this fic.

Chan Lei Wik: For also tackling the awful first draft.

Thanks... but you got my name wrong...

I believe that it did not have an overall plot to circle around... and even 

looking at this draft, I still don't think it's all that it could be.

Try this, concentrate on the matter of Belldandy removing Mara's influence 
from Megumi. Fics on single events _can_ be effective. 

Also, I need to know if I should even add a Belldandy/Verthandi fight to 

make this story complete, because I can't tell right now.

Absolutely not! Leave that thought for a separate fic.

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