As I struggle to keep up the pace.... :)

"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

"You and me have still got...so much we need to say...

You and I have

(I know this one is the dubbers' fault, but what the heck.)

>From behind a small patch of bushes and a bonsai tree, a red and black
clothed figure crouched, watching. His eyes were glued to an elegant

red and black-clothed
(or)
red-and-black-clothed
(Not sure which of these is most correct, but you definitely need at
least the one hyphen to use this compound phrase as an adjective.)

A lone girl sat at it. She was dressed nicely, though still casual, in
a pretty cream coloured dress with lavender flowers on it. Around her

cream-coloured
(not sure if the British spelling is intentional there; if not, take out
the "u")

neck was a plain silver necklace, and on her feet she wore a pair of
flat, white shoes. She looked anxious, as she had been waiting there
for ten minutes already. On her lap was a small blue change purse; her
hands were folded on the white table in front of her, decorated only
by a single vase containing a fake, pink carnation.

The ordering here makes it sound like her hands were decorated, but you
obviously mean the table.

The girl was Akane, waiting for Ryoga to arrive. They had actually
shown up late as it was, her and Ranma and Nabiki. Ranma had acted as

she and Ranma and
(this phrase is specifying who "they" are; since "they" is in the
nominative -- the form used as the subject, as opposed to "them" -- the
specifier should be in the nominative as well.)

though he were going home, but really he had planned to wait in the
bushes all along, especially after Nabiki had told him about her plan.
Her incredibly stupid plan, on the surface at least. Knowing Nabiki,
there were probably hidden parts that he didn't know of, but still. It
was a stupid plan. Really, he had expected better of her. She was off
getting another girl, Akari, and being sure she was prepared to 'save'
Ryoga from a deep depression after Akane turned him down. Although he
had voiced more then once what he thought of the plan, he felt better
about the date now at least; it had been all Nabiki's doing. Akane
didn't know any of this, though. Him and Nabiki both knew Akane well

He and Nabki both knew
(The way to figure out these kinds of sentences is to look at it without
the "and" addition. You wouldn't say "Him knew Akane....")

Ucchan? He almost said aloud, and hid himself further. It would not do

Ucchan? he almost said aloud,
(or)
Ucchan? He almost said it aloud,

Looking back to Akane, he saw that she hadn't looked up yet, and was
instead busy looking through something in her purse. A look back to
Ryoga showed that Ukyo was now gone. He stood there on his own,
without the pack he had been holding moments ago; Ukyo had probably
taken that for him. Although he wore a confident looking black jacket

confident-looking

Crossing her legs at the ankle, Akane tried to keep her face pleasant
as she looked over at Ryoga. Although he looked to be dressed well for
the occasion, obviously taking care to look good, he didn't seem to

Some details here, maybe? You assure us twice that what he's wearing is
good, but we don't learn enough to see it for ourselves.

"Right, right. Friends," he echoed. Or maybe not...he seems okay. Come
to think of it, I don't really know Ryoga that well. They had been on

Suggest a paragraph break after "echoed". It's a bit confusing to have
Ryoga's dialog along with Akane's thoughts, especially when the POV's
been hopping around so much.

dates before, but there was always something more to them. Either he
was pushed into an odd plot crafted by someone else, or it just
happened to work out that they were paired off. She was only
interested in friendship with Ryoga, though; despite being a sweet
guy, and fairly attractive to boot, there was just something missing
about Ryoga.

RANMA: Brains?

AKANE: You keep out of this.

A feeling that he didn't manage to stir in her. She
looked into his eyes experimentally for a moment, as though to confirm
this; yes, definitely, nothing but friendship. A warmth, but not a
fire.

AKANE: I could never love a man who wasn't a pyromaniac!

"Sorry, I was just thinking about something. So Ryoga, you wanted to

So, Ryoga, you

talk? It looks like something's on your mind," she said. The waiter
brought over the food then, and she thankfully began digging in. It
had been a while since she had last eaten.

"Yeah, there is...something," he began, his eyes shifting over to one

Just FYI, it's not necessary to put explicit tags on every line of
dialog. You could just as well have written

"Yeah, there is...something." His eyes shifted over to one

since it's pretty obvious that Ryoga is the one speaking. Sometimes
you'll want to throw in unnecessary tags because they help the rhythm of
the narration, but often they're just dead weight that you might be
better off getting rid of.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to turn away as you were talking. I just
wanted to see what you were looking at." From behind Akane, a dark
haired girl waved shyly.

Identifying every character by her hair color gets a bit monotonous.
Besides which, dark-haired by itself is not exactly a very noteworthy
feature in Japan. It's like describing someone as light-skinned in a
story that takes place in Greenland. :)

"It's nothing, nothing. I'm just trying to sort out my words," he
covered. Akane relaxed, and leaned back in her chair.

"Take your time," she said, looking at the other end of the room.
There were a few tables with people in them, but not many; it was an
odd time to want to eat. A few trees lined the sides of the area, but
it was mostly opened up with bushes in front of the trees. Cement and
marble squares on the ground made paths out of the restaurant on all
four sides.

What could be so big that he has this much trouble saying it?

RYOGA: Have you... have you ever really considered the advantages of
owning a really fine set of encyclopedias?

"Speak up, Ryoga. What are you so shy about?," she asked. This seemed

                                             ^
Take out the excess comma here.

"Akane, I love you!," he yelled, the look of fear in his eyes

                    ^
And here.

"Hey Ryoga! Wait!" called another familiar voice that ran past Akane
and Akari, to catch up with Ryoga. Ukyo. Ukyo? Why does she have
Ryoga's pack with her? And why am I starting to feel like a pawn?,

                                                                  ^
And here.

"I'm sorry you had to see that Akari," she said. Why am I apologizing

that, Akari,"

(As written, it would continue "I was hoping you'd see this other Akari
instead!")

"Just give him some time, let him sort out his feelings. Why don't you
go for a walk, and then go catch up with him later?" She asked, trying

she asked,
(no caps)

"No need to be ashamed. Everyone worries, even people as thick headed

thick-headed

"And who'd worry over an uncute girl like you?" he challenged,
stopping to face her. Undaunted, Akane smirked, her hands on her hips.

Extra line spacing here. I expected it would be a scene break or POV
shift.

"You, apparently, stupid. And don't you ever make an elaborate plan
like that without consulting me again, got it?" She said, starting to

it?" she

Ryoga could not stop running. Despite his efforts, and the efforts of
the brown haired girl running almost fast enough to catch up with him,

And yet another hair color. 9.9

his legs would not cease to race each other forward. His heart
pounded, and his breath came out in ragged, short gasps. He always had
been a fast runner, and now without his pack on his back (and instead
with his pursuer, no doubt) he was even faster. He dodged people,
bicycles, carts, stands, anything or everything that didn't leap out
of his way. Faster and faster he ran, turning corners, running up and
down streets,

...which probably means he'll end up doubling back right into the arms
of his pursuer. ^_^;;

Ryoga was getting quite used to being sorry, and recognized this
bitterly. Still though, he ran on, needing time to think, and to expel
his anger. Anger at life, and mostly, anger with himself.

Overall, pretty good, though the scene between Ryoga and Akane went
maybe a little too smoothly. I kept feeling that something unexpected
ought to happen, and it never did. The reactions from Ranma and Akane
afterwards were very well-handled and believable, I thought.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'