Weee! Excel stuff:

This won't make much sense unless you've seen at least a few episodes of
Excel Saga, and there are spoilers for a few parts of Excel as well as
random other series.

I really must get around to getting the last two dvd's of ES. Ah well, I can
put up with what's there.

Notes about obscure references and other inside/Japanese jokes follow
the story.

Hmm. just like the ES dvds then.

    A tall, lanky man walked down the crowded Tokyo street, singing to
himself. "Cashing my paycheck, cashing my paycheck.... Manga artists are
useless pieces of trash, but publishers are willing to pay....
Publishers are suckers and I learned how to draw in grade school...."

Hmmm.

    Suddenly, a figure dressed in black from head to toe fell from the
sky and landed in front of him, making an indentation in the ground and
kicking up a cloud of dust. The man stepped back, coughing, as the ninja

I'd identify him as a 'ninja' before this point. It seems to come out of
nowhere here.

    "You're the guy I have to ask if I want to use Excel Saga in
fanfiction, right?"
    Rikdo shook his head adamantly. "No way! No more Excel Saga
fanfiction! Not after I gave permission to That Guy...."

I agree. 'That Guy' is a terrible, evil, human being that everyone should
give money to.

....

Well, I thought it would be a good try. The old misdirection ploy, don't you
know.

    "Yeah, that's what I was referring to," said the would-be author,
rubbing the back of his neck. "See, D.B.'s fanfic gave me a crazy idea
to replace EVERY character in Excel Saga with a character from a
different series, rather than just Excel. And instead of making the fic
about the replacement, I plan to just plop in the new characters and run
through an actual plot." He paused. "Well, what passes for a plot in
Excel Saga, anyway."

Heh. Yes, best to qualify that.

    Rikdo called back his reply over his shoulder. "I, Koshi Rikdo,
hereby give Nidoking my permission to turn this perversion of Excel Saga
into a mega-fusion!"

Someone had to do it, yes?

    Nidoking smiled cruelly as he folded the paper up and shoved it into
a pocket. "You'll regret having said that sooner or later." As he turned
to walk away, he tripped on the edge of the depression he'd created when
he fell. Fortunately, he landed on a small yellow creature which broke
his fall.
    "Pikachu..." moaned the creature as its face twisted into something
almost as horrifying as what it had been before the impact....

And already if begins.

*************************************************

QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC EXCEL FUSION Z
EPISODE 1: MILKING THE JOKE FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH

*************************************************
    The blonde girl and her partner saluted the throne that stood in the
most prominent location in the dark room. "Hail -" they chorused,
stopping short as they realized that the throne was unoccupied.
    The girl spun around in increments, searching in the darkness for
her employer. "Hello? Boss? Are you out there? It's okay if you're not,
since you're the boss and all, but if you're not here, then there's no
point in saluting you, and since we're already halfway through the
salute, that seems rather wasteful, and I know how you're always going
on about how precious resources are, so maybe it would be a good idea to
show up right about now, don't you think?" She suddenly stopped and
collapsed to the floor, sucking in air in huge gulps. "I forgot to
breathe...."

Heh. She does a good Excel impression.

    Her partner smacked his tattooed forehead at her stupidity. "Geez,
Mihoshi. Don't you ever run out of energy?"

Yeah,she could pull it off.

 As if in response, a laser

beam pierced his skull from the side, sending a spray of blood from the
exit wound. He fell to the ground, dead as a nail of some sort.
    "Nope," replied Mihoshi, examining the laser pistol she'd just shot
him with. "It's still got plenty of juice."

Hehehehe.

    The blood slowly seeped back into his head as the hole closed. "You
think?" he asked indignantly.

Yakumo Fuji?

    "Yep," she replied, pointing to a display on the side. "The power
meter shows 85%."
    He jumped to his feet. "If you already knew it was full, why did you
shoot me with it?"
    A giant bead of sweat ran down the back of Mihoshi's head. "Sorry,
Yakumo...."

Thought so. Killing him can be fun.

    A spotlight turned on above the throne, shining down upon the fancy
seat. Mihoshi and Yakumo's heads snapped up as they leapt to attention,
anticipating the appearance of the throne's usual occupant. Mihoshi
summarily tripped over her own feet and fell into Yakumo, knocking him
over. He landed hard, cracking his head on the floor as a short man with
thick white hair dropped from the ceiling to land lightly in the throne.
    "Hail, Clef!" shouted Mihoshi, raising her hand with the fingers
fully extended and her wrist fully bent.

Hmm. Interested in seeing where you take him.

    "And did you happen to finish your research and discover what
happened to the Nazi regime in the end?" asked Clef. "For example, why
they're a HISTORICAL political group that's not around today?"
    Mihoshi pressed her index fingers together in embarrassment. "Um, I
believe they conquered all of Europe, which gave them three extra armies
per turn, and then, I don't know, maybe they got three cards that
matched, and won a free trip to Jupiter and went to live there?"

Hehehehe. Cute.

    "I've put up with your accidents long enough!" shouted Yakumo. "This
time...!"
    Mihoshi smiled back timidly. "Um, Yakumo... you're standing above
the pit."

He'll be falling into it soon enough.

like it far more than the other method I have in store for you."
    "Don't worry, I got the hint." Mihoshi waved half-heartedly, pinched
her nose shut, and jumped into the pit. "GERONIMAAAAAAAAATION!"
    Clef hung his head and groaned. "Why did I ever hire those two?"
    "I have no idea," replied Sailor Pluto as she took her usual perch
beside his throne. "All I know is that it makes far too much work for
me." She waved her staff, filling the room with a rainbow swirl of
colors.

Heh. For a moment, I thought she was just extra, but if anyone can
impersonate the Will of the Universe...

    Sailor Pluto stepped behind Mihoshi and groaned. "Are we going to
overuse this gimmick right from the start?" She waved her staff.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@KERPLUNK!
    Mihoshi stared despondently at the bunny costume she was wearing.
"Hey, what is this? This uniform is not ACROSS standard!" She pulled at
every inch of it in turn. "The waist is too tight! And it pinches my
chest a bit! And the hips are too tight as well! And it doesn't cover my
legs at all! But I like this cotton tail... it feels cozy."

She had a bunny tail in some of the OVA, as I recall.

    "Here!" Nidoking shouted quickly, grabbing a random man with long
blond hair and thrusting him in front of the door. "This guy will
explain everything!" He quickly ran, leaving the newcomer to fend for
himself.
    Mihoshi examined the man carefully, noting the large guitar slung
over his back. "You're cute. What's your name?"
    He reached over his shoulder and pulled the guitar to his front as
if drawing a sword from a shoulder scabbard. Flipping his hair, he
positioned his hands appropriately and strummed the strings, producing a
grating chord. "Sauuuuuuuceeeeeeeeeeer," he sang.

Hmm. No ringing any bells at the moment.

    Mihoshi blinked. "A police investigation?"
    Suddenly, his hands flew across the strings as he picked up the pace
of the song. "I'm here to tell you about the dragon, well actually it's
a dragon half

Hmm. I think I vaguely remember him then. Will have to see if I'm right by
the end.

*************************************************
    Meanwhile, in a well-lit room on an upper floor of the F City Hall,
six civil servants were busy with paperwork. Well, half of them were
busy with paperwork. The youngest member of the group had no idea what
she was supposed to be doing, since she couldn't read, so she was
randomly stamping every document she could find.

Heh

At the other end of the

table, her older counterpart was too busy fending off the unwanted
attentions of her neighbor to accomplish anything. It was times like
these that made her wonder why she'd been created at all....
    "Enough narrating," she snapped, smacking the hand that was reaching
for her chest. "Just make something happen before I end up killing him."
    "Aw, don't be that way, Bloodberry," whined her grabby coworker. "We
both know you can't resist me!"

Hm. Ataru?

    "True," agreed Bloodberry. "The urge to kill you is overpowering."
    Taking the hint for once, he turned flirtatiously to the woman on
his other side. "Say, Rally Vincent, would you mind explaining to her
why I'm such an incredible hunk who -" He froze as the barrel of a
customized revolver entered his mouth.

Heh. Good choice

    "Shut up and keep your hands away from me, Moroboshi,"

Thought so. Ryo Saeba was the other possibility.

    "Nuku Nuku wants to be a fine lady too!" shouted the youngest
member, leaping athletically over the table to land on top of him as a
pair of metal ears sprang from the sides of her head. "Be attracted to
Nuku Nuku too!"
    "No way!" screamed Moroboshi. "You're just a little girl! What do
you think I am, some kind of sick pervert?"

Hmm. OVA Nuku wasn't built that way. Has she been downsized like Robomatsu?

of his tall, crooked staff come to rest on the floor.
    "Hi, chief,"

Chief

    "Well?" Nuriko finally hazarded. "What is it?"
    The chief raised an index finger slyly. "That..." he said jovially,
"is a secret!"

No wonder work never gets done around there.

    Nuku Nuku came to a stop right in front of Faye. "I can deal with it
too! I'm special! Praise me!"
    Faye produced a gleaming handgun and put a bullet through Nuku
Nuku's head.

Not a very resilient robot.

the damaged Nuku Nuku. "Hmmm... yes, yes. Definitely broken."
    Faye shielded her eyes from the light reflecting off the oversized
mirror strapped to the man's back. "Mori-sensei, what are you doing
here?"

blanking on him, though.

    Rally rubbed her temples to stave off the impending migraine.

She failed. :)

    The man took a defensive stance and pulled a pair of katanas from
behind his back. "So you say, but I believe the fight is already mine!"
he announced, his lips not quite matching the words coming from his
mouth.

heh

"Sugee," said Mihoshi admiringly, reaching out to touch the moving

blur and scraping her palm badly in the process. Then, she returned her
attention to the fight. "And I will counter with the ultimate defensive
technique of the Mihoshi School of Mihoshi-style Mihoshi fighting!" She
crouched down, and her eye glinted. She quickly wiped the glint out of
her eye with the back of her hand and lowered the sword. "YAKUMO BLOCK!"
she shouted, holding her partner in front of herself to take the twin
slash right in the chest.

smart

    As slow, melancholy guitar music played in the background, a lone
worker stared up at the soon-to-be tool of his new trade. "This is my
job," he whispered to himself. "It's what I have to do. It's what I was
born to do." He clenched his fists. "It's my destiny! I have no choice!
I have to do it!" He raised those fists to the sky. "I mustn't run
away!"
    Suddenly, he was curled up in a ball, moaning softly to himself.
"Mommy... I don't want to do it."
    "Shinji!" called his supervisor. "What's the holdup?"

Heh. Of course it's the jellyfish who immortalized the 'Mustn't run away'
line forever in Otaku's minds. :P

    "This can't be happening!" shouted Shinji. "My nightmare has come
true! And I'm not getting paid for doing this!" The Eva threw back its
head as Shinji's scream echoed across the country.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
    Mihoshi stared up at the Eva as it walked right past her. "Man, I'd
hate to see the person whose forehead THAT thing popped out of!"

Heh

*************************************************
NIDOKING: So, what do you think, sir?
RIKDO: Push the button, Frank.
NIDOKING: You're the dub Rikdo, aren't you?
RIKDO: What gave it away?

@@@COMMERCIAL BREAK@@@

The Sailor Scouts are about to face a very different kind of enemy than

'from' instead of 'than' I think

    "I'll have to do it alone," said Bloodberry.
    "No, I can help!" insisted Nuku Nuku.
    "I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.
    "No, I can help!" whined Nuku Nuku.
    "I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.
    "No, I can help!" pleaded Nuku Nuku.
    Bloodberry calmly produced a length of rope and hogtied Nuku Nuku.
"I'll have to do it alone," she said, stuffing a gag in Nuku Nuku's
mouth.

A good idea.

    "Be more careful when throwing pianos out the window!" said an
admonishing voice from the window above. "You could have killed
somebody!"
    "It's okay, honey," responded another voice. "It just landed in the
middle of that spreading pool of blood."

heh

conscience?"
    Mihoshi turned to the winged woman on her other shoulder, who was
clothed in nothing but a copious curtain of flowing blonde hair. Her
eyes widened as she realized it was her turn to speak, and she cleared
her throat delicately. "Go into your heart. You have to remodel the
queen's plan! The incorrect preface is playing with the clouds!"
    Koryu shook his head. "Rane never makes any sense anyway."

Hmm. Elf Princess Rane? It's been a while since i've seen it.

    "Oh, get over it," said Bloodberry from beside him. "It could be
worse."
    Moroboshi's eyes grew wide, and he turned to throw his arms around
Bloodberry, who held him at arm's length just in time. "Bloodberry!
You're alive - or whatever - again!"
    "I'm not the same Bloodberry," she pointed out. "I'm just a copy of
the original."
    Moroboshi scratched his head. "Coffee?"
    Bloodberry scooped him up and leapt out of the way as the sword
swung sideways at them. "Less talking and more dodging! We'll never
survive at this rate, much less take out this robot!" The pair landed on
the roof of a van, which immediately accelerated and took off as a giant
metal foot landed in the space where it had been.
    "Uh-oh! The truck have

has

    "It's based on some dumb cartoon," said Bloodberry, whose pink suit
went well with her bright orange hair. "Powerbar Girls or something like
that."
    A giant sweatdrop ran down the back of Rally's head. "Is that the
best they could come up with?"
    "Could be worse," said Bloodberry. "It could have been A-Ko, B-Ko,
and C-Ko."
    Rally shuddered at the image of Nuku Nuku playing C-Ko. "I think
I'll stick with the Powerbars."
    "Easy for you to say," grumbled Moroboshi. "You at least get suits

At least you get

    "What, aren't you strong enough?" asked Moroboshi.
    Nuriko flipped his newly blond long hair. "I actually kind of like
this costume."
    "You would!" Moroboshi shot back.
    "Hey, we needed a trio of easily recognizable male characters."
    [But HANSON?]

Urk! Bad author for dredging up that abomination from the past. No cookie
for you.

    "Hey, come back here!" shouted Rally. She started to fly to Nuku
Nuku's rescue, but Bloodberry held her back.
    "I want to see what she does," said the larger android.
    "She'll get herself killed!" protested Rally.
    "And that's what I want to see," agreed Bloodberry.

Heh

"Aha!" shouted Moroboshi, pointing his finger into the heavens.

toward the heavens (would sound better)

giant robot is no match for my Blue Eyes White Dragon!" she shouted,
slamming the card onto the ground face up and stepping back.
    The card sat in the street, inert.
    "Well, that's weird," said Mihoshi, scratching her head. "In the
commercials, a dragon always came out of it."

Heh

    Nuriko slapped his hand over her mouth. "Can I at least have your
phone number?"
    Yakumo raised his middle finger over his shoulder as he walked
steadily out of sight.
    Nuriko jotted this down in a notebook. "One... okay, what's the next
number?"

Heh. Cute.

*************************************************
magic," replied Clef's voice. "My body can't move, but my spirit isn't
bound by the physical world. It can inhabit any body I choose."
    Mihoshi patted herself down. "I don't feel a kokoro inside of me."
    "Stop that," ordered Clef. "There will be no Japanese used in my
presence."

thank you.

EPISODE 1: MILKING THE JOKE FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH

TODAY'S EXPERIMENT....................... DEPENDS ON READER RESPONSE

true

"New Papa!" shouted Tomoyo excitedly, as she leapt off Shinji's

shoulder and ran to hug her stepfather's leg.
    Shinji gasped at the sight of the interloper's bleached hair and
torn jeans. "Ei-Eikichi Onizuka?"

Ooo. Tough luck being outmanuevered by HIM. :)

MIHOSHI: Well, I hope you all enjoyed the first episode of Quack
Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z! ... I mean it! I really hope you
enjoyed it, because if you didn't, then Nidoking might stop writing it
altogether, and then I'd cry!

It was amusing. I enjoyed it.

Koshi Rikdo: The original author of Excel Saga, and a recurring
character in the Excel anime. His main role is to give permission to the
anime producers to take whatever direction they want with the anime,
even if it completely goes against the intention of the original story.

D.B. Sommer:

Human scum, to be sure.

Yakumo: The main character of 3x3 Eyes. He got in a soon-to-be-fatal
accident and was saved by the girl he was with at the time, a member of
the Sanjiyan tribe who turned Yakumo into a Wu. Basically, as long as
she's alive, he'll remain alive, even if he dies. This of course
precipitates a series of very messy deaths from which Yakumo inevitably
recovers unscathed. This is about the only trait he shares with Hyatt,
but he makes a great straight man. (Oddly enough, Nuriko does too.)

Heh.

Dick Saucer: The idol guitarist/dragon hunter from Dragon Half. Not too
bright... he once drank a bottle of "energy drink" from the hands of the
very dragon he wanted to slay. Neither one of them knew it was a
laxative....

Heh. Do remember him now. Really must see that again someday.

Genma: The famous man-turned-panda in Ranma 1/2. Apparently, he can't
change back in QEFEFZ, but his signs are the perfect parallel to
Sumiyoshi's text speech.

Ah, now I see. Yes, I agree.

Koji Mori: A pedophile from I, My, Me, Strawberry Eggs.

Right. Now I remember.

caught it, he's obviously the dubbed, U.S. culturally-savvy Ridko.

Shinderu: Means "dead", in case anyone missed that one. It is a bit of
an advanced term, I admit.

Puddles of orange goo: Don't ask me. Watch End of Evangelion, of find
someone who has and thinks they're qualified to explain it. I'm still
trying to forget I ever watched it.

Hey! The Asuka fight kicked ass. :P

Koryu: A demon from Wish.

Haven't seen that one.

"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!": In the original Metal Gear,
you had to ride in trucks to get from place to place. After a while, it
becomes second nature, but the character still seems just as
illiterately surprised. Maybe it's not as bad as "I feel asleep!"
though.

Heh

Blue Eyes White Dragon: One of the most powerful Duel Monsters cards in
the early part of Yu-Gi-Oh. There are only four of them in existence, or
 so it's said. After a few story arcs, it's a mid-range player, sort of
like Tien Shinhan in DBZ.

1.21 "jigawatts" of electricity + 88 miles per hour = time travel: You
guessed it. Back to the Future.

Ah. I see

"I'm not dead!": Just watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Just watch
it. Now.

Plue: The keeper of Rave in Rave Master.

Only saw an early episode. Did like the chick's tonfa with concealed guns in
them.

 >

Naru: Love Hina is one of those interesting harem stories for two
reasons. First, despite the relative eligibility of most of the girls in
the series, Naru is the quite obvious primary love interest.

Actually that's quite standard for the genre. The love interest is pointed
out early on and remains constantly the character who remains in the front
running.

Nice fic. I enjoyed it. Got at least some of  the in-jokes. Definitely worth
the read.

DB Sommer



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