First my special thanks to Elisteran for helping me with this. Chapter 2

to 6 are totally outlined, but my writing skill are not up to the challenge.
The characters come out lifeless and boring. So here is the revised version
and I hope I can eventually break writers block.

Also the post of atacking the gods demostrated that Gary klepe criticied

and ridiculed is still better than my best writing. Well I hope i'll get
better. Next time.

-- You don't sound like you think much of your writing. Well, I haven't read
the other versions of this at all, so we'll see how the revision works on
someone unfamiliar with your work ^-^

Crystal wings Part 1

The beginning.

This is a Ranma 1/2 alternaverse. None of the Ranma gang are mine they r

-- Oh, oh. Please, don't write r when you mean are, even in a disclaimer.
It's
very unprofessional and distracting.

It was a beautiful morning in Nerima. It was just before dawn and the sun

was

timidly stretching its fingers. It was the start of a nice day and many

people

were getting ready to enjoy it. There were some few exceptions, like at

the

Nekohanten.

-- I'm pretty sure Neko Hanten is two words. Neko, alone, is cat, and I
believe
Hanten is cafe.

Shampoo was feeling murderous. Her Airen would never go with that sexless
crazy tomboy. What had their parents done? Maybe bribe with a barrel of

the

water of spring of drowned man? And all the other girls. They were not
anything to Ranma.

-- Instead of "not anything", I'd write "nothing". And bribed them rather
then
bribe.

She, Shampoo, was the only wife. All others must give up or

be eliminated. But after what she had done in the wedding would Ranma

forgive

Shampoo? Yes, he would know it had been done to preserve their love.
<Ha ha ha ha.> Moose had jumped 6 meters away from her after she uttered

such

 a Kodachi like laugh. <He will be mine no matter the cost.>

-- Oh, the < > is dialogue. I thought it was thought. Okay ^-^ You would be
better off using ""'s for dialogue. "Glad to know it, Shampoo," looks so
much more like speaking then <Glad to know it, Shampoo,>

<Glad to know it, Shampoo,> Cologne said on top of her staff <For we have
passed a critical point. You must choose, great-great-granddaughter. We

must

either go back to china in shame. Or take extreme measures to break the

bond

-- China, not china.

They all entered the attic. Cologne hopped towards the back, where she

kept

her most vile and evil contraptions. She stopped in front of a black

chest.

It had three locks on the front each with a representation of an animal.
Tiger, dragon and bear. Cologne began to chant <Bear to heal and purify.
Tiger to have the strength to try. Dragon the defender of the weak.
Snake will show the secrets you seek.> With this final verse she drew a

snake

-- Interesting, with the bear. I never really thought of them as healing
animals.
But hey, it's original, and original is better then cliche.

with a fingernail in the wood. The pattern glowed in bright green for a

moment.

When the glow had faded all three locks opened at once. <Look Shampoo this
where I keep some of our tribes most powerful relics.>

-- Punctuation, please :-) Maybe "Look, Shampoo, this is where I keep
some of our tribe's most powerful relics."

-It looks like Ranma will be mine at last- thought Shampoo.
<Great-great-grandmother what will we use?>
<A powerful artifact: The Eye of Shandala. This gem has a terrible power.

It

erases the memories of humans but asks for a great price, a price in

blood.

-- Oh dear. Please tell me this isn't borrowed from Hearts of Ice? And that
Shampoo isn't going after a dragon, now?

Many before have tried to use it and fell to feed the hungry gem without
achieving their goal. Do you wish to take the chance?>
<I will, revered elder. Anything to get Ranma.>
<Then it shall be. Seal everything and meet me down stairs. Moose come

with

-- Mousse, not Moose :-) Like the hair product.

me. You have to clean the dishes before the customers come.> Cologne

hopped

down the stairs with the box of the gem and a grim expression in her face.

-- Maybe "with the gem's box" rather then "box of the gem"

Shampoo was alone. She had been told to seal the chest, but it was too

great a

temptation to look inside and see what other Amazon treasures did Cologne

hold

-- That "did" there is unnecessary.

there. - A quick peek will not hurt anyone. She was the Cologne's heir and
she should know what items did they have.- Shampoo was not a total idiot,

but

-- Shampoo is thinking this, right? Should be "I'm Cologne's heir, and I.."
etc

she did not have the benefit of Cologne's training and she did not notice

she

was being influenced by an external force.
Sure this box looks promising- She picked up an iron box on the left of

the

chest. It was very heavy!! - I wonder what is inside- She opened it and

-- Two things. You seem to be using hyphens for more then thoughts, and this
is confusing me a bit. You may want to consider using an underscore _ for
thoughts.
Someone suggested this to me, and I find it works quite well. The other
thing,
is exclamation marks. Now some people don't mind seeing two in a row like
that, but generally, you should use them in moderation. One at a time.

Sorry, I've just noticed I've only been nitpicking your grammar and use of
words, so far. I do think that actual events are interesting, and I'm
curious
about what this external force is.

The box was locked but firm pull took care of the problem. She opened it

and

-- "a" firm pull. Maybe tug instead of pull, but eh. ^-^

found the box was full of silver mirrors. And in the middle was a knife. A
wicked looking sacrificial knife. - This has to be powerful. Something

that

looks that bad has to be a weapon for destroying demons.- Shampoo took the
knife and her eyes glazed. Her will had been subtly been drained by the

evil

-- You accidently wrote been twice. Easy thing to do, though, but one needs
to
be chopped.

weapon and now the takeover was complete. Like an automaton she started
walking. Her breathing became faster as she tried to break the spell. But

it

was like fighting air. Lacking formal training in magic she did not know

how

to retaliate and was powerless to stop the knife.

-- ...very interesting :-) Hmm, odd that Cologne would keep something like
that up there, if it could easily take over Shampoo or Mousse, but maybe
you explain that later.

*************************************

Cologne was downstairs pondering their new problems: How could they use

the

gem without being blamed?, and after that, how could they position

themselves

-- should be "blamed? And after", no comma. "And" is an awkward way to
start a sentence, but people do get away with it. I know I do it, from time
to
time.

so that Ranma's family would come to them for help. If it came to extremes
she knew that Akane would prefer to give up Ranma than to see him as a
vegetable all his life. It was a grim prospect, but they were running out

of

-- Akane give up on something? Hmm, but Cologne might think that, sure.

damage she could cause if she kept being so stubborn? And why is she

taking

so long to come down?

-- Was, not is, here. Unless she's thinking, but it's hard to tell when
you're doing
narrative and when people are thinking.

The instant that she finished that thought Shampoos body entered the

restaurant.

-- Shampoo's. Oh, and after "thought", there should be a comma.

All hell broke loose. The restaurant was designed using Feng Shui to

channel

positive energy and drive away evil. Behind the mirrors there were wards

against

evil spirits. There was even a small blessed cross in a cupboard, the gift

of

a Christian priest. All exploded. It was a horrible show. Glass shattered

and

flew everywhere as the wards tried to absorb the evil energy flowing from

the

knife. Dark fire butterflies flew from the knife towards the wards. As the
knife grew dimmer more and more wards burned up until they were all gone.

The

knife had won but it was a costly victory. At the start of the conflict it

had

shone like a dark bonfire and now it was only glowing.

-- Interesting :-) I like how Cologne has the Neko Hanten protected.

Shampoo regained consciousness at that moment and dropped the knife like a
poisoned snake. She felt violated in a way she did not fully understand.

That

-- Wait, it was victorious, but Shampoo regained control of herself? What
was
it victorious in? *keeps reading*

thing had taken over her mind and body completely and had done as it

pleased.

She ran to Cologne and hugged her like a little child. Like all those

times

she had been afraid of thunder. Cologne made some soothing noises to the

girl.

- She was almost in a nervous breakdown. We can not have that. She must

know

what happened to her and work hard so it never happens again.-

-- Cologne immediately knows what happened? Maybe have a sentence here,
where Cologne sees the knife and realizes Shampoo opened the Jade box,
or have Shampoo say what she remembered happening.

<Wha... what is that grandmother?>

-- It's actually either great-grandmother or great-great-grandmother, but
fair enough.

<It is Whasa-by�s fall. A terrible artifact that our peopled are cursed to
guard. It is a relic from the creation of Jusendo.>

-- Play on wasabi? :-) And you made a typo on people. Seriously though,
this is a good plot point.

**************************************************************************

Somewhere far, far away in China evil awoken. It had been sleeping for

many

-- Awoke.

years, but for this creature it was a small nap. It had awaken before

time,

-- Awakened. (and I think you mean before _its_ time)

to a sound only it could hear. This dark sirens call, elusive and

seductive

would not go away. It was familiar almost a part of him but it could not

place

-- "...siren's call, elusive and seductive, would not..."
Nice choice of words. You are a good writer, you just need to take care
of what you write and your use of punctuation. Learn to be careful.

it. Suddenly comprehension came. -The knife. My knife. Some of the

disgusting

creatures that inhabit this land must have stolen it. They will pay. I

will

drink their life slowly and exquisitely.-

-- Ignore my wondering, up there, about what the knife had succeeded in
doing. ^-^

The creature broke the crystal cocoon in which it had been sleeping and it
came out of the cave in all its evil glory, beautiful and deadly. It was 2

-- It looks nicer to write out numbers, like two rather then 2.

meters tall at the head the wings gave it another meter more. Its hair and

-- Maybe "at the head, and the wings"

wings were white, not pure white but crystal white, so when the light

shone

on them they were like small rainbows. It was well proportioned and

muscled.

-- Ohh, like a dragonfly's wings? In texture and appearance, not necessarily
in shape. Nice. Umm, I'm assuming it's humanoid, since you didn't say
otherwise.

Not the big mass of a weight lifter but the build of a long distance
swimmer or a climber. It was too perfect, the kind of perfection that the

eye

does not notice, but the subconscious screams at. - First to test if this
body is ready.- It took a piece of crystal and made a deep cut in its

hand.

-Perfect sense of touch is working but all the painful sensations and

-- "Perfect, sense of touch is working, but all"

warriors it could take on anything sort of one of the deities it had seen
coming here.

-- Typo. Short, not sort. It had seen deities on the way? In China?

It was flying over a big city. - Great when I get back my curse knife I

will

-- Maybe "Great, when I retrieve". If he's calling people vermin, you might
want to consider making his speech more formal. Like:
"Excellent. Once I have retrieved my cursed knife, I will have a great
feast"
etc

"O sure the heavens smile on me today," said the boy " They have sent a

divine

-- I'm not very good at Kuno's speech, but I'd put "surely", not "sure",
there.

-He talks in a strange language but I can understand him! I must

investigate

this more deeply.-

-- Maybe someone put a babel fish in his ear. ^-^ Sorry, sorry, Douglas
Adams joke. Oh, and I'd put speaks instead of talks, there, but that's
up to you.

"Who are you? Speak."

"You, o angel, stand before Kuno tatewaki. The Blue Thunder of Furinkan

High.

-- I know in Japan they'd say Kuno Tatewaki, but since below you wrote
Ranma's name as Ranma Saotome, you should have Kuno's as Tatewaki Kuno,
just so you keep the same style.

Most honorable samurai and defender of the weak. I assume you are a herald

of

heavens come to help me in my most holy crusade. As you know I must free

my

loves from the vile sorcerer, Ranma Saotome."

-A perfect opportunity.- thought the creature. -I have come across the

local

champion and have the name of the local mage- "You could say that I have

come

to help you see heaven in all its glory."

-- Hehe. Silly crystal winged creature. I like that, though.

moving. Kuno had to thank his goddesses that he was still alive, They had

hit

-- Might want to make it more clear that They is Akane and The Pig-Tailed
Girl.
I got it after a moment, but at first it tripped me.

The Nekohanten was closed. And inside sat a depressed Shampoo. She was

going

-- If you lowercase the a in and and put a comma instead of a period, that
would make a nice first sentence.

send their best. But an hour later they council had called, telling her to

-- Typo (the not they)

abandon everything and come back immediately. They had been very secretive

to

what the crisis was. But she could not leave before she took certain

measures.

A sealing ward had been carved on the wood of the floor. And lots of

smaller

ones had been placed on the walls and ceiling. She was going to leave

Shampoo

and Moose in Japan. If the problem was so bad they would have told her.

-- You're saying here that she's leaving Shampoo (and Mousse) in Japan
because
she doesn't think what the council is going to say is so bad that Shampoo
needs
her protection?

Shampoo was the heir to her place in the council!. So she had left an hour
after the incident telling Shampoo not to come near the knife and to make
sure Moose does not do it either. And in case anything went wrong go to

the

Tendo dojo and alert Ranma and Happosai. Shampoo was depressed. Why? Why

leave

-- Why alert Ranma? He'd be no help against something magic. Happosai, I
can see, if she can get the lech to stop gropping her breasts for two
minutes :-)

She was still fuming how unfair it was when the wall exploded. Her warrior

-- "at how unfair"

instincts served her well. She rolled with the blast and was not hurt.
Unfortunately she was now next to the floor wards and had to face whatever
came from the hole in the wall. It was a tall man. And he was white. White
skin, white clothes, white eyes, white hair and white wings?!

-- Ahh, so that's what the rest of him looks like. I have a better mental
image,
now.

"Hellooooo is anybody home?"

-- So he's a joker now?

Shampoo was really pissed off and was going to take it out on this

stranger.

She went all out with a frontal strike that hit the man and sent him

flying

away into a wall. The wall caved in but the man was not even dazed. He got

up

rapidly and launched his own attack. It was a very simple combination so
Shampoo decided to block and counterattack. It was a bad mistake. The mans

-- man's

fist broke the bonbori like it was made of paper and grazed her on the
shoulder. Shampoo went flying and crashed inside the kitchen. She was hurt
and the shoulder was probably dislocated.

-- Ouch. And I was just wondering where Mousse was when I read the
lower paragraph.

Moose hearing the noise downstairs had come down. He saw the man hit

Shampoo.

-- Maybe "Having heard the noises downstairs, Mousse ran down."

Moose was furious but took the time to look at the strangers fighting

style.

He fought like a gorilla but was incredible strong. He had overpowered
Shampoo's defenses like nothing. The old mummy had told them to go to

Ranma

if something happened. So decisions made Moose let loose a barrage of

hidden

weapons and entered the kitchen. The man was not hurt, just annoyed at the

-- The "so decisions" sentence is awkward, maybe reword it? Change so to
quick, or "Taking action, Mousse let loose" etc

interruption. He just started punching everything that came close. He had

a

murderous look in his eyes.

-- Careful not to start too many sentences with he or she in a row. That
last
sentence would look good as "Murder blazed in his eyes." or something
like that.

"Shampoo were are you?" He saw her still dazed inside the fridge room. She

had

-- Where, not were. Also, "her, still dazed"

"No, I will kill him."

-- Is she speaking in her native tongue here, or Japanese? Her Japanese
isn't that clear.

Seeing that she would not be reasonable Moose grabbed a water bottle and
poured it on her. A very angry neko-shampoo was now on the floor. Moose

picked

her up and put her inside his robes. He carried a cat cage for emergencies

-- lol, he carries a cat cage? Oddly enough, that makes sense. Oh, she'll be
pissed when she gets out, I can just see it.

like this. Now that his love was secured he looked for a way out. He

looked

into the restaurant and saw the man. The stranger was not paying them
attention. He was circling the floor wards. Every time he tried to cross

them,

-- Maybe "not paying them any attention"

The creature was still trying to get to the knife without getting hurt by

the

wards when Moose left. -Go run little creatures. I will get you latter. -

-- Later, not latter.

In the Tendo dojo it was a typical morning. Genma and Soun were playing,

but

Genma was in panda form with a plate of bamboo shoots he was munching.

Ranma

was watching TV, while Akane was talking on the phone with a friend from

school.

Nabiki was upstairs in her room checking the NASDAQ results and comparing
them with Tokyo. Kasumi was in the kitchen preparing lunch for everyone.

It

looked like the start of a beautiful and quiet day. But alas it was not to

be.

-- A bit generic, but eh, it's not a big deal. Happosai is not around? ^-^
You don't
have to mention what everybody is doing every time. But then, sometimes it's
okay to. I know I do it sometimes.

There is a Chinese curse that goes 'May you live interesting times'. And

it was

perfectly represented with Ranma Saotome.

-- Don't you mean saying, rather then curse? Or proverb?

Moose jumped over the wall and entered the Tendo residence through the

kitchen

window. Kasumi was just going out with a tray of refreshments. "Excuse me"

he

-- Should be "Excuse me," he said
I've been just learning proper ways of dialogue myself, and already I'm
passing
on what I've learned. ^-^ There are a lot of picky rules, and I don't blame
you for occasionally messing up.

Ranma was not so kind. "Who the f*** has gotten me all wet." As Ranma-chan

came

into the kitchen for some hot water she saw him. "Moose this better not be

a

challenge or a trick. I'm not in the mood."

-- Err, how did Ranma get wet? And if you're going to swear, just write
the word and put a content warning at the top of the fanfic. It looks much
then f***

The sentence was left unfinished. The problem had decided to follow Moose.

He

bore down on the house in terrible magnificence. He was at least two

meters

-- What? But I thought he didn't care about Mousse? Hmm.

tall. He was very well developed, not the musculature of a weight lifter,

but

-- You've already described how he's muscular, you don't need to again.
And what is this guy wearing? Is he naked?

the lean muscles of a swimmer or runner. He looked like a foreigner. Every
thing about the estranger was white. He had long white hair, down to the
shoulder blades. The robes he was wearing looked like some desert outfit.

-- Oh, there's my answer.

Even his skin was pale, pale even for a Caucasian. But the most prominent
feature were the wings. Great feathered wings sprouted from his back. The
wings were a translucent white, and reflected the colors of the rainbow.

-- They're feathered and reflective? Interesting...okay, but it shouldn't be
taking the reader this long to know all of these things. Try to describe
more
earlier on :-)

"My name is Ranma Saotome and him you wanted to find the best you have

come to

the right place." Ranma assumed a combat stance and started to study his
opponent.

-- His speech is messed up. Probably typoes, or you wrote it too fast. You
might
want to consider "and studied his opponent" instead of  "and started to
study"

At that moment Moose stand along with Ranma. "Ranma. I will help you

defeat

-- Stood alongside, not stand along

this monster. It has hurt my dear Shampoo and it will pay. But I must warn

you

Ranma. He is very unskilled opponent, but he is terribly strong"

-- Very unskilled? He saw him do two moves. And this is with
Mousse's horrendous eyesight.

The kick he had just received would had sent any of the Nerima wrecking

gang

-- Have, not had, and I like that "Nerima wrecking gang" ^-^

knees. Narac was obviously not trained from the surprised look on his

face,

thought Ranma. Ranma rolled away sensing something wrong. Narac was

standing

-- If Ranma's thinking that sentence starting with Narac, it should be
reworded,
and thoughts can be in the present tense. Like:
Narac's obviously not trained, from that surprised look on his face, thought
Ranma.

in a shadow, a huge shadow. Up above Moose had reached optimal altitude to

-- Up above, Mousse

launch his attack. He took out a wrecking ball and threw it downwards.

"You

will die for hurting my Shampoo!" Slowly a local eclipse took place as the
projectile blocked the sun for the two combatants. Ranma was getting out

of

-- What? Local eclipse? I thought they were still in the kitchen. And
nothing
is big enough to cause a local eclipse, unless it's something Narac is
doing.
I'm a big confused, here.

still holding the chain and was pulled away with it. As he disappeared he

was

howling in fury.

-- Maybe "he howled in fury"

"Ok. Now it is just you and me. I really do hope you are better than him."
Narac said this with all the arrogance that only monsters command.

-- Does that mean Ranma is a monster? Joke, joke :-)

"Come over here and we shall see." Ranma looked confident but was

wondering

-- Ranma's speech is much more informal then that. I don't think he'd say
shall while in a fight if his life depended on it.

how to handle Narac. The angel had no training, but he did have incredible
strength and endurance. Testimony to that strength was the bruise that was

-- So it is an angel? Or is that what Ranma wants to assume?

forming on his arm. He could not use the heavenly dragon blast. They
were both very close to the house and someone could be hurt. And Ranma was

-- You really don't need the And, here.

"Come and catch me if you can," Said Ranma. At the same time he jumped on

to

-- can," said Ranma.

the roof of a nearby house. It was his variant of the Saotome School Final

-- Variation, not variant, here.

started, blew dust everywhere. Kasumi said "O my. It will take a while to
clean this mess."

-- Kasumi said, "Oh my (etc)
Where is everyone else now, anyway? Why isn't Akane yelling to Ranma,
or Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome trying to help?

- This looks bad- Thought Ranma. "If you're so tough, why don't ya, come

and

get me. If you are not up to the challenge why did ya came looking for

me?" It

was not a good ruse but he had to try.

-- "If you're so tough, why don't ya come and get me? If you're not up to
the challenge, why did ya come looking for me?"

"If you want to play. We will play." The angel took a step into the house

and

took Kasumi by the neck. "Now if you are so kind as to come here. I will

not

kill her" Akane had, up to that moment, kept out of the fight. But this

was

too much. "Let go of my sister" Akane attacked Narac, trying to hit the

elbow.

-- No no, the worst thing you can do when the enemy has your ally in a
precarious
position is to hit them. Unless you know without a doubt that they won't
kill
the person. In my opinion, anyway, I don't think Akane would do that.

Again: "...not kill her." Akane had, (etc)
Punctuation.

She wanted to free Kasumi. As Narac grabbed her by the face, there was a

small

-- I'm assuming the her there is Akane.

flash of light. But none of the combatants could make anything from it.

Ranma

-- of, not from.

had come down from the neighbor's with a face that would scare an oni. "

You

are so dead" Attacking Akane had been a bad move, but she has attacked

first

-- "You are so dead!"
It's usually a good idea to hit enter before someone says something. Like:
Ranma had come down from the neighbor's with a face that would scare an
oni.

"You are so dead!" Attacking Akane (etc)

Other then structure, that's a good reaction on Ranma's part, since Akane
isn't just maybe in danger, he's actively doing something dangerous to her.

and was a strong martial artist. But attacking someone as defenseless as
Kasumi was way too much. Ranma threw a chestnut-fist speed directly at the

-- The word speed doesn't seem to have a place, there.

It was a dark place. The reflection of an evil ambition and desire. He was
there, for longer that he could tell. He was as far as he could tell the

only

person in what he called, for lack of a better name, The Dark Place. His

only

-- That sentence there is a tad awkward. Maybe:
As far as he could tell, he was the only person in what he thought
of as The Dark Place.

but he could not understand them. It had been like this for as far as he

could

-- For as long. Good prose here, I like the descriptions. I'm curious as to
who "he" is. (that's a good thing)

brilliant lighting bolt blue in the center and turned to deep blue and

purple.

-- Typo, lightning.

It looked a little rough in the edges but it was also beautiful.
This time he did not hesitate. He somehow jumped and as his fingertips

touched

the light there was a flash.

-- Should be a pause in there.
He somehow jumped, and his fingertips touched the light. There was a flash.

Ranma was very pleased with himself. He had saved the Tendo sisters. And

now

he was going to take care of the new psycho. He spotted a perfect place.

It was

-- When did he drop Kasumi? New psycho? The guy who was just there, with
the voices?

a wide opening next to a small canal. It even had a powerline over it so

that

psycho could not fly.

-- How did he spot this from the Tendo yard?

"Hey assh***. Lets fight down there" Ranma came down and rolled to set

himself

under the power lines. Ranma was planing what to do. -He can't dive bomb

me now.

-- Typo: planning

Now we will see if he's got any long rage firepower.-

-- Interesting typo :-) Range, not rage.

-Maybe if I charge him and I do not let him use those strange moves he did
before.- What happened next was completely unexpected. Narac is a magical
creature. That meant that while he knew lots about magic, he had been

sleep

-- Narac was a magical (etc). And the word lots in the next sentence looks
odd. Changing it to something like "a lot" would be better.

for more but it was completely

-- For more? It looks like it's missing a time, like "for more then one
hundred years." but that doesn't go with the last part of the sentence.
Unless
you change the but to an and.

pigeon and a chicken nuked together in a microwave for 2 hours or Akane�s

-- Something can be nuked for two hours? But geez, yeah, I get the idea ^-^

Narac was angry. Extremely angry and hurt. Whatever that blasted sorcerer

had

done it had hurt. The body was mostly uninjured, but that had taken more

than

-- that blasted sorcerer had done, it had hurt. Why does he say "the body"
rather then "His body"? Is it not his body originally?

half of the power reservoir. The wing were a total loss. He would have to

grow

new ones. That would take time and lost of energy. -I am going to suck

this

-- Typo: lots instead of lost. a lot is better then lots, again, though :-)

bast*** and his loved ones dry- He stood up. "Sorcerer your trick did not

work.

-- Interesting threat, but seems out of character. Again, asterix's don't
look
right, just write the word and have a disclaimer about language at the top.

Ranma was carefully measuring time. -More, more. Come closer. Closer. Get
angry. More angry. Closer. NOW!!!- Ranma had been biding his time. He

completed

the spiral. "Hiry� sh�ten ha" A tornado began to take form as the hot and

cold

-- Again, hit enter twice between spiral. and "Hiryu shoten ha."

chi began to interact. The angel was sucked into the tornado and blown
skywards. A smile began to form in Ranma�s face, but it was sort lived.

When

-- Typo: short, not sort.

Narac was about 20 meters of the ground there was an explosion. The

tornado

-- twenty meters off the ground when there was (etc)

was ripped apart, as a subzero cold sphere blossomed. Narac did not know

it

but he had saved himself. He was a creature of cold, and when the hot wind

had

taken him off. He had been in pain and he had instinctively formed a cold
defense.

-- It looks like you accidently ended a sentence early. It makes more sense
if I read it as "had taken him off, he had been in pain. He had
instinctively" etc

That same force now hit Ranma back, forcing him back several meters. Into

the

-- You don't need that first instance of back.

canal. Let us say that Ranma is an incredible lucky man. He dove far away

from

-- Having you talk directly to the reader there "Let us say" is a bit
awkward.

the electric cables. But water, is a conductive medium and even so, he got

quite

-- You don't need that first comma.

Narac was now rising up from the floor, again. He felt like he had been

chewed

on, several thousand times. As he got up, he took a look around. -Where is

the

sorcerer?- The angel was turning around warily. He expected Ranma to

ambush him

with another strange trick. As he scanned the area he saw his target. A

pair

of dark blue Chinese pants and shirt were floating in the canal. As he

neared

-- I know Ranma changed into a girl, but...he took off his clothes?

his target his face showed a great disappointment. "What is this??" He had
come near the canal expecting to see his enemy defeated. But it was

another

trick. He only saw a small human female in the sorcerer clothing. -A what

an

-- And now he hasn't? Umm.

ingenious trick. He possessed the body of this female and fought with me.

No

-- Maybe: He possessed the body of this female to fight with me.

mater the outcome he would not loose. Hummm I will take this vessel with

me

-- Matter, not mater, lose, not loose.

to see if I can use it against him.- He knelt next to the canal and drew

an

unconscious Ranma-chan. -Quite a beautiful specimen. Well now I must fix

the

damage to this body.- Narac Was a creature of cold that meant that while

heat

could do a lot of damage to him cold would help him heal. He concentrated

and

-- Narac was, not Narac Was. And interesting theory, but I hope you don't
mean that he can, for example, press an ice cube to a wound and be all
better.

to grow. Soon in a few moments the wings were fully healed. He was

complete,

-- "Soon in a few moments" is redundant. Either take out soon, or take out
"in a
few moments"

exhausted but complete. He picked up Ranma-chan and flew towards the Tendo
dojo. Narac was planning what his next move should be.-If he was unwilling

to

fight there and hurt someone, I will use that against him.- With this

thought

Narac took of with his captive.

-- So he wants one of the Tendo people? Didn't he just want to destroy
the sorceror?

    Heh, I didn't know that the stuff at the bottom was C&C until I actually
read it. Okay, I hope I didn't just repeat too much of what he said.
Overall,
very interesting, though a few things confused me. You need to work on
your punctuation, choice of words, and finding one style and sticking to
it. It helps to keep notes, or go over your fanfic looking out for certain
things,
like making sure Shampoo's speech is always one way, while Mousse's is
another, etc. Plus, I don't personally mind having random Japanese words
thrown in like bokken, or oni, or chan, but just be careful to use them
properly, and consistently.

    Well, I'm anxious to see the next part. ^-^ I hope I helped. And don't
let
anyone tell you that you're a bad writer, or get down from too much
picking. Writing is supposed to be fun, and it can take some people a while
to get it down.

-- Denise


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