This chapter is a little weak, frankly. I may go back and redo a lot of it,
but for now, I'm letting it stand as is.



C&C encouraged. The usual disclaimers apply.





13. Hoggy Warty Hogwarts



"So that's the story with Dudley," Harry finished.

Hermione scowled disapprovingly. "Really, what's Dumbledore playing at,
bringing a juvenile delinquent to Hogwarts?"

"He lets Malfoy stay," Ron pointed out. "Besides, Dudley seemed...almost
normal on the train."

Harry nodded, frowning. "He's certainly not acting the way he usually does.
I reckon maybe he's scared everybody in sight is going to put animal tails
on his bum. Or maybe--" He paused, then shook his head. "No, that's not
possible."

"Maybe what?" Cho asked.

Harry shrugged. "I was just thinking about how Dudley asked so many
questions on the train. Almost like he was..."

"Curious?" Ron supplied.

"Yeah."

Ron nodded. "I noticed too."

Hermione frowned thoughtfully. "It's possible he truly is. Those horrible
parents of his have their minds made up about our kind, but...Dudley's still
young, still growing up, just like us. He doesn't necessarily have to grow
up to be just like your uncle, Harry. Maybe that's what Dumbledore has in
mind."

"You mean bringing Dudley to Hogwarts to make a decent bloke of him?" Ron
asked.

"Exactly."

Harry thought about this. "It makes as much sense as anything," he agreed.



* * * * * *



Sakura picked nervously at her robes as she filed up the steps into an
unadorned stone hall with the rest of the first years. Beside her, Dudley
Dursley was looking around at all the smaller kids, some of whom were
staring at him, a few sniggering. He frowned; Sakura felt a bit sorry for
him. "Don't pay any attention," she whispered to him. "They're just nervous
too."

Dudley scowled, but said nothing. Soon, the passage ended, and a large
double door stood across from the two lines of young students that had
formed. A stern-looking witch in emerald green robes appeared; Dudley
recognised her immediately as the woman who had come with his old headmaster
to Privet Drive.

"In a moment," the severe woman said, "you will walk through these doors,
and be Sorted into your houses..."



* * * * * *



The Great Hall was full of chatter and an air of anticipation. The evening
sky loomed overhead; the candlelight flickering beneath the enchanted
ceiling gave the impression of a second sky of stars, much closer than the
ones above.

"Hey," Ron said, nudging Harry. "I don't see Snape."

Harry scanned the head table. Indeed, the sour, greasy-haired Potions master
was absent.

"Reckon he got sacked?" Ron asked.

Harry shook his head. "We're not that lucky."

"Welcome back, everyone," Dumbledore spoke from the head table, silencing
the many conversations throughout the hall. He smiled. "Well. Another year.
I know that the effects of the tragedy which occurred here at the end of
last year are still felt by many of us. But know that life must go on, and
we should not let that which cannot be changed dampen our spirits.

"Before we begin the Sorting, I would like to announce that for the first
time in many years, this year Hogwarts will be host to a Muggle exchange
student." He paused to let the statement sink in. "It is rare, but not
unheard of, for a Muggle to attend Hogwarts, as part of an effort to foster
understanding and trust between our two worlds. This year, we have selected
a candidate that I feel will find much to learn among our kind. I ask that
you treat him courteously and make every effort to give him only the best
impression of wizards." The side door which usually admitted the first years
opened, and Professor McGonagall escorted a large blonde boy into the Great
Hall. "I introduce to all of you our Muggle exchange student, Dudley
Dursley. Mister Dursley will not be Sorted; rather, it has been decided that
he will be hosted by the Gryffindor fifth years." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled
mischeviously, while Harry and Ron stared at one another. "Mister Dursley,
please have a seat at the Gryffindor table. Mister Potter, kindly direct
Mister Dursley to your table please...thank you." Dumbledore paused as
Dudley waddled across the hall to where Harry reluctantly signalled him.
"Now...on to the matter of the Sorting."



* * * * * *



Sakura stood nervously with the rest of the new Hogwarts students, listening
to the applause fade as the strange hat finished its odd little song.

"When I call your name, come forward and place the Sorting Hat on your head.
The Hat will tell you which house will be your home." Professor McGonagall
unrolled a long scroll of names. "Coleman, Ophelia!"

A pretty girl with short reddish-brown hair stepped up to the stool and
placed the hat on her head. "RAVENCLAW!" One of the tables erupted into
applause as the girl smiled, removing the hat and rushing to join the
Ravenclaws. A few moments later, "Frye, Constance" joined her, curly blonde
hair bobbing as she slunk to the table, making an odd wiggling motion with
her hips. Several of the younger boys seemed to appreciate this.

Sakura felt nervous as she watched the other kids try on the hat, then head
off to their tables to applause. She had been reassured by Keroberos that
she wouldn't be the only girl at school who hadn't known she was a witch
until recently, and that many of the students at Hogwarts came from
non-wizard families, and that everybody is on equal footing at the start,
but...

"Kinomoto, Sakura!"

Sakura snapped to attention, and blurted out "HAI!" instinctively as she
scrambled toward the stool with the hat, eliciting a few snickers from the
Slytherin table. Blushing, she sat and donned the patched old hat.

*Hmm,* a voice echoed inside her head. *There's a name rattling around in
there I remember. Clow Reed. He was a bright one, yes. A natural born
Ravenclaw. But you...no. You're bright, yes, but...my, you've been a busy
little witch recently, haven't you? What with all you've been through, I
daresay you belong in GRYFFINDOR!"

A loud cheer rose from the Gryffindors as Sakura blinked, stood, removed the
Sorting Hat, and strode shakily to their table. Her cheeks flamed at the
attention she was receiving, but she was smiling nevertheless.

"Told you so," Keroberos said from his perch on her shoulder.

Ginny moved over and made room for Sakura, smiling at the younger girl.
"Glad you're joining us," she said.

"Yeah, welcome aboard," one of her older brothers--she wasn't sure of their
names yet--said.

Sakura sat and watched the Sorting, cheering with her housemates. The bulk
of the first-years seemed to be going to either Ravenclaw or Slytherin;
aside from herself, only a girl named Tabitha Stevens and two boys named
Michael Long and Louis Valentine were Sorted into Gryffindor.

Once "Winthorp, William" had been declared a Slytherin, the Sorting Hat was
taken away, and Professor Dumbledore stood.

"Now, before we begin the feast, a few start-of-term announcements. As
usual, the Forbidden Forest is off limits at all times. Mister Filch has
once again presented a new list of banned items; once again, I ask that you
please see Misters Fred and George Weasley for the full list." A brief spate
of laughter filled the hall as the two twins stood and took a bow. "We have
a few students this year who may need a bit of help, as their native
language is not English. Translation spells and talismans can only go so
far, so please endeavor to help them if they should ask. Some of you may
have noticed that Professor Snape is absent this evening; he is taking a
brief personal leave, and a substitute Potions teacher will be covering his
classes until he returns. Our new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor
has not yet arrived, but I have received word that she *will* be here in
time for classes first thing in the morning." He paused, glancing around.
"That's enough from me. Tuck in!"

Sakura stared as the spotless plates suddenly filled with all kinds of food.
"Hoe?!"

Ginny grinned. "Welcome to Hogwarts, Sakura."

The young Japanese girl blinked, then gave a wide, happy smile.
"Itadakimasu!" she cried before reaching for the nearest serving dish.

Ginny blinked. "Eat a what?"

Keroberos chuckled. "That's just something you say before a meal in Japan.
It's like saying grace. I dunno why the pin choked on it, though. ...oooh, I
haven't had any of THAT in a long time!" Some of the others around the table
were a bit taken aback as a flying plushie attacked the serving dishes.

Ginny just shook her head and kept eating. "Never dull around here, that's
for certain."



* * * * * *



Dudley's eyes had become very wide as the banquet appeared on the previously
bare dishes. "Wh--wha--?"

Ron grinned, and began heaping roast beef and mashed potatoes on his plate.
"This should be magic you approve of, I wager. Who's got the gravy? Pass it
this way, thank you..."

Dudley watched the wizards around him heaping food on their plates and
filling their goblets with an unfamiliar juice for a long moment. He glanced
at the serving dishes, brow furrowed with thought. Then--

"Well, so much for the diet," Harry chuckled.

"What I don't understand," Hermione said as she slowly, neatly ate a modest
portion of fish, "is how Dudley is able to see anything in here. Muggles
can't see Hogwarts for what it really is."

"Oh yeah, you said something about that before," Ron said. "They just see a
pile of rubbish what used to be a castle, right?"

Dudley stopped in mid-bite from a loaf of bread, and said, "I certainly
don't see any rubbish." He glanced around. "I'm not sure WHAT I see, though.
And why isn't there a ceiling?"

"There is," Harry said. "It's enchanted to look exactly like the sky
outside."

"Like a skylight?"

"Something like that."

"Maybe the protection spells only work outside the castle," Hermione mused.
"What did you see on the boat ride up, Dudley?"

The obese boy blinked. "I saw the lake, the castle, I reckon I saw the same
thing everybody else saw. Why?"

"And it didn't look run-down to you?"

Dudley shook his head, stuffing a turkey leg into his mouth.

"That IS odd. Why would the protection spells--"

Ron rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Hermione. It's obvious. Dudley's supposed to be
here, so he can see the place for what it is. Maybe Dumbledore put a spell
on him to let him see it or something, I dunno."

Dudley looked a little frightened at the thought of having been ensorcelled.
Hermione, for her part, looked miffed that ROn had thought of something she
hadn't.

Ron was rather pleased with himself straight through to dessert.



* * * * * *



Sakura stared as a large meatball disappeared into her fuzzy companion.
"Honestly, Kero-chan! You're being a pig!"

Keroberos grinned broadly. "I can afford it. I don't have a figure to
watch."

Several of the girls in earshot suddenly put down their forks and looked
sheepish. Ginny just snorted and speared a roasted potato on her fork.

Sakura nibbled on a chip, then started laboriously cutting a steak. "I'm
amazed they feed everyone like this here. It's an awful lot."

Ginny shrugged. "Wizards don't fatten up as easily as Muggles do. Especially
ones our age. Magic burns up a lot of energy, even if you're not *doing*
any. Weaker wizards can get fat in a blink--" she cast a glance down the
table at Neville Longbottom-- "and older wizards who sit around doing
nothing all day go to seed, but you're not apt to see too many fat wizards."

"Wow, really?" Sakura asked, taking a bite of steak.

"Yup. That's why we eat like pigs," Fred said as he tore into a fat ham
sandwich.

"We actually eat pigs, too. Have a sausage, Sakura?"

"Ah...I think I'll be fine with this," Sakura blushed, gesturing to her
plate, which was the least full at the table.

"That's not nearly enough," Ginny said.

"It's more than enough for me," Sakura said. "I'm not really used to this
kind of food."

Keroberos nodded. "She doesn't eat much even when she's pigging out on
sweets."

"Another Japanese thing?" Ginny asked.

"Sorta," Sakura replied. "Some people eat a lot, some people don't...most of
the time most people are fine on just a little bit."

Keroberos nodded. "You should see their idea of a box lunch."

"And you eat lots of rice and fish and stuff, right?" George asked. "Raw,
even. Dunno if I'd want to try that."

"Not everyone eats sashimi," Sakura said. "It's popular, but some people
just don't care for it." At the confused looks, she clarified, "That's raw
fish."

"I thought that was sushi," Fred said.

"Sushi's other stuff besides fish," Sakura replied. "There's lots of kinds
of sushi. It's mostly all raw or cold, but it's not all fish."

A boy whose name Sakura didn't know piped up suddenly. "Don't you all eat
weird things like octopus and stuff, too? And poison fish?"

Sakura grimaced. "Not all of us. I think people who eat puffer fish are
really stupid. Octopus isn't too bad, it's just a matter of how you eat it."

"Takoyaki!" Keroberos said with a grin.

"Tacos are Mexican, aren't they?" Ginny blinked.

"He means grilled octopus," Sakura clarified. "Really popular in Osaka." She
paused for a few bites, then continued, "There's lots of things people eat
in Japan that are weird, stupid, or just plain gross. Like fermented
soybean...yuck!"

"I guess it's not that different from here, then," George said. "Our lot
come up with some pretty disgusting stuff too."

"Haggis," Fred shuddered.


"What's haggis?" Sakura asked.

"Please, not while I'm eating," a girl sitting three seats down groaned.

"I'll tell you later," Keroberos said.

"What IS that thing?" the boy who had asked about octopus wondered.

"Kero-chan? He's my guardian," Sakura replied.

"Guardian? How can that puny thing guard anyone?"

"Like this," Keroberos said, his voice suddenly a throaty growl as he stood
by the table in his full, armoured lion form. "Any other questions?"

"Err...no. No! Sorry, sorry!"

The lion suddenly vanished, replaced by the flying plushie, before his
appearance caused too much commotion. "So when's dessert?"



* * * * * *



"So what do they plan to have you do here, Dudley?" Ron asked shortly after
dessert had appeared.

The large boy smacked his lips and shrugged. "I dunno. That Dumbledore
fellow said something about potions and magical creatures and astrology. I
couldn't really follow what he was talking about."

Hermione nodded. "You'll most likely be in all the normal classes that don't
require wandwork--or at least, not much of it. You couldn't exactly do
Transfiguration or Charms or Defence Against the Dark Arts without a wand,
but most of the courses that don't require a wand..."

"Good thing Snape's off doing--other stuff," Ron said. "There's no telling
how he'd react to Dudley."

Harry snorted. "By taking points off Gryffindor, what else?" He shrugged.
"So, reckon we'll get a real Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this
year?"

"Probably not," Ron said. "If we do, she'll only last a year anyway, for one
reason or another."

Dudley gulped. "Last a year...? What--?"

The others eyed him. "Not like that," Harry said. "Well, not always."

"Job's jinxed," Ron said, mouth full of treacle fudge. "Four years ago, it
was Quirrel, possessed by You-Know-Who. Harry finished him off. The year
after, it was Lockhart, who was a total fraud. Backfired a memory charm on
himself with a broken wand and erased his own memory." He shook his head.

"Next one we had was the best," Harry picked up. "Professor Lupin. He was a
friend of my dad's from school. Great teacher, but he's a werewolf. When
people found out, they wrote a lot of threatening letters, and he resigned."

"A *WEREWOLF*?!" Dudley exclaimed.

Harry nodded. "Yeah. Then last year--" He paused.

"Last year we had a dark wizard disguised as the teacher we were supposed to
have, and nobody knew until almost the end of the year," Hermione
summarised, carefully avoiding mentioning the tournament and the events that
followed.

"Wow," Dudley said. "So why would anyone *want* this job?"

Harry shrugged. "Someone's got to do it. Actually, Snape wants the job, but
he never gets it."

"You know," Ron said suddenly, "maybe we should see about getting Snape that
job next year! Then something'll happen to HIM, and--"

"Like I said, we're not that lucky," Harry interrupted.

"Honestly," Hermione muttered, shaking her head.



* * * * * *



The remains of the feast disappeared from the plates, once again leaving
everything spotless and sparkling. Dumbledore stood, gesturing with his
wand. "And now, we shall sing the school song, for nothing is so magical as
music." Words formed in the air. "Pick your favourite tune, and off you
go..."

Sakura, for her part, just stared in confusion, disbelief, and outright
horror as the spectacle of the Hogwarts School Song unfolded. A few people,
such as the Weasley twins, seemed to truly enjoy it, while most were just
mumbling through and trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

"Hoeee," Sakura uttered.

The twins finished last, warbling the final note as a duet while hanging
about each others' shoulders. When they were done, DUmbledore smiled
broadly. "And now, I bid you all goodnight. Prefects, if you will?"

Hermione came by at that moment to collect Sakura and the only other
first-year Gryffindor girl, Tabitha Stevens. "Come along, then," Hermione
told them, bustling up the stairs leading out of the hall. Nearby, Harry led
the two first-year boys.

After many twists and turns, the group reached a dead-end, marked by a large
portrait of an obese woman in a pink dress. "Password?" the painting
inquired.

"Wisdom tooth," Hermione said. The Fat Lady smiled, and the painting swung
away from the wall, revealing a hole leading to a well-furnished room with a
merry hearth.

"Boys to the left, girls to the right," the prefects both instructed. Before
she knew it, Sakura was standing with the other girl in the center of a room
appointed with two large, draperied four-poster beds...and a pile of scarlet
velvet pillows and thin blankets in one corner, apparently intended for
Keroberos. "Ah, home sweet home!" the plush lion cried, floating over and
disappearing in the soft pile.

Tabitha shook her head. "Strangest magical pet I've ever seen." Sakura could
only giggle at that.

Minutes later, the two girls and the guardian beast were all tucked in.
Sakura's last thought before sleep claimed her was that while she had no
idea precisely what she'd gotten herself into, it was almost certainly going
to be a lot of fun.And she'd made some new friends on her first day away
from home. That thought alone was enough to give the young girl a night of
happy dreams.



* * * * * *



Six four-poster beds stood in the room at the top of the tower. Three of the
occupants looked slightly put-out, and were shooting odd glances at the
large boy who was apparently to be their dorm mate for a while.

"Over there, Dudley, that one's got your trunk by it. Best to turn in now,
first day of classes is tomorrow."

"I should like to watch the telly before bed," Dudley complained.

"There's no telly here," Harry replied. "And before you ask, no computer
either."

Dudley blinked. "Then what d'you do for fun?"

"Read, play chess or cards, that sort of thing," Harry replied.

Dudley sighed. "I reckon I'll need to ask Daddy to send me a telly."

Dean snorted. "I can see that. An owl, carrying a telly."

"Even if you did, and he sent it, it wouldn't work here," Harry said. "Stuff
like that doesn't work at Hogwarts. There's no electricity here, and all the
magic floating around makes it so those things don't work right."

"Oh," Dudley replied, sounding disappointed. "Well...goodnight, then."

"Goodnight," the others chorused.





The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com
"Feel your inner pig!"


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