Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma Fic][Spoilers][Post-Anime/Manga] The Countdown to Matrimony (Ch. 3 of Part 1)
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 6/13/2003, 12:32 PM
To: "Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

The skirt of the red and white dress lay around her like a flower in
bloom; a flower with dirt on it's hem, at least. On her lap sat a

Very nice description here. But it's "its". "It's" is the contraction of
"it is" (or "it was", "it has", etc.) Possessive pronouns don't get
apostrophes: his, hers, theirs, its.

small piglet, sleeping as the girl delicately rubbed it's head,

its

occasionally scratching behind it's ear.

its

"So peaceful...you'll make a great fighter, someday, but right now
you're about as aggressive as a blade of grass." she said, petting

grass," she

it's back in slow, distracted strokes. Really, she wasn't thinking

its

"Right now, I'm about as aggressive as you are too, though. Why am I
like that? Why can't I be more like...like a pig. A strong, noble,
pig." she sighed, and as though the creature noticed her added

pig," she (if she's sighing the words)
(or)
pig." She (if she's just sighing after speaking the words)

tension, woke up and blinked.

Presumably it's the pig who woke up and blinked, but the sentence
structure indicates that it's Akari.

Suggest:
she sighed, and as though noticing her added tension, the creature woke
up and blinked.

Feeling guilty, Akari pet it's head

its

"No, no. Rest. That's a good pig...good pig..." Within moments, the
pig did close it's eyes again, and allowed it's breathing to slow.

its (both times)

After Ryoga was rejected, Akari was to be there to lick his wounds, so
to speak. To comfort him, and give her love, so that he may accept it

so that he might accept it
("may" doesn't seem like the right tense here, IMO)

and reciprocate. She was under the impression that she had already had
his love, though. Why did Akane have to be involved in this? She felt
a tear start to creep out from under her eye, and felt it grow until
it's weight forced it to journey down her cheek. With a shudder, she

its

found herself waking the confused piglet again, and holding her

holding it (?)
(you've used "it" for the piglet up until now)

Her piglet voiced concern, but not in words Akari could understand.
All the same, she nodded, and pet her pig's head soothingly. She could
be strong, and get through this. She would truly have Ryoga, this
time.

PIG: Snernk!

AKARI: What, my dark lord? You want me to go hack Akane into tiny pieces
with a carving knife?

PIG: Ornk!

AKARI: I hear and obey, my lord!

Nabiki slowly walked along the sidewalk, a large, black umbrella over
her head. It was raining lightly now; a pleasant, cool rain, that
smelled fresh and clean. She felt accomplished, though kept her face

though she kept her

schooled to it's usual blank expression. She didn't want to be

its

confused for some sort of giddy schoolgirl, young as she still looked
though she was out of high school.

Sentence structure doesn't quite parse there.

"What is it with girls...tug their heart strings, and they're willing
to do anything for emotional gratification. Hmm." she wondered at it,

Hmm." She

[The day of the date...]

Try to work information like this into context. Anytime you talk
directly to the reader, it breaks the flow of the story.

He hadn't seen Ranma since that day, which could mean one of two
things. One, Nabiki had given Akane the note without Ranma seeing, and
he had just assumed that Ryoga had gotten lost again. Ranma wouldn't
bother to look for Ryoga when he thought he was lost; he never had
before unless he needed Ryoga. At least, not since back when they were
younger, when Ranma would help him to and from school.

RANMA: Two, I've been here all along, but you're too much of a dolt to
recognize me after I've changed clothes.

RYOGA: Do you mind? This is supposed to be my narrative here.

"Love doesn't happen on command, though." he said in a low voice,

though," he

"I'll just go to the market and get more." he said quietly. He was so

more," he

Once he had himself ready to go, he made his way towards the gate of
the park, looking towards his left, then towards his right. One way
lead to some houses, the other to larger buildings. Scratching his

led

"Wherever I go, I'll find food eventually." he reasoned, setting off

eventually,"

"The market? You just came from that direction. Head back and turn
right." said the man, before sidestepping out of his way.

right," said

"Thank you." said Ryoga gratefully, jogging back from where he came

you," said

"Hey! Hey, Ryoga?" called a voice from behind him. A female voice, but
one he couldn't place. Turning around, he saw a tall girl with long,
brown hair, running towards him. She wore a blue schoolboy's uniform,
with a huge spatula in a holster on her back, and smaller ones in
pockets on her shirt. Upon recognizing her, Ryoga relaxed, though his
stomach still gurgled.

If you're going by the manga, then Ukyo has black hair. It's interesting
to look at the manga covers or the memorial book; most of the female
cast, along with Ranma, sport all sorts of different hair colors, but
Ukyo's is always inked in.

"Food's the other way, sugar. I just came back from the market." she

market," she

"Actually...you gotta few, Ryoga? I'm testing out a new recipe. I was
going to get Ranma-honey to try it, but ever since the...incident at
the wedding, I, uh...don't want to bug him. And Konatsu is out for the
day. How 'bout it?" she asked. Ryoga tilted his head, forgetting her
gender at the mention of food. There was no point in running around
aimlessly anymore. And why would he ever want to turn down free food?
His stomach gurgled, as though trying to respond for him.

"Sure, Ukyo. Sounds good."

UKYO: You like exploding food, right, hon?

RYOGA: Huh?

UKYO: Of course you do.

"Right, right. Sorry, I guess I wasn't thinking." she said. Her voice

thinking," she

"Sure, no problem." he said, looking around the small restaurant.

problem," he

There was a bar with a grill built into it, meant for Ukyo to display
her Okonomiyaki skills to the waiting customers. A few tables were off

okonomiyaki
(not a proper name, so don't capitalize)

"Thanks sugar, now I just need to get to the grill." she said, leaving

grill," she

_Just a couple, to tide me over.._ he thought, suddenly feeling scared

over..._
(use three dots per set of ellipses, or four if you also include a
period to end a sentence)

"This recipe has squid and shrimp, with my new secret sauce..." Ukyo
was saying, as though he had been out there the whole time. Ryoga sat
down on a stool, watching her pour sauce and meat onto a round shape
of dough. She worked the spatula and dough like a blacksmith working
on a horseshoe; quickly, but still careful, and sure. She soon had
another one frying as well, and then her hands and spatula literally
seemed to fly, she was going so fast. Within minutes, he had a plate
in front of him, with two helpings of Okonomiyaki waiting for him.

okonomiyaki

"It's so good." he tried to say, though realized he had forgotten to

good," he

"Glad you like it. Go on, eat up. I can tell you're starving." she

starving," she

"That was great! Ukyo, you're an amazing cook." he said, looking up at

cook," he

"I'll have to cut you off after these two, so eat'em slow." she said,

eat 'em slow," she

"I'm just grateful to have food." he said, taking a bite of one. He

food," he

The eating scene dragged on way too long, IMO. The following part where
U&R discuss their respective relationships was good, but it took too
long to get there.

"Nothing." she said. Ryoga sighed, and had another bite of his

"Nothing," she

Okonomiyaki. He didn't know much about women, but he knew that saying

okonomiyaki.

'Nothing' like that was a bad sign. Akane had said words like that
before to Ranma, moments before being hit with whatever was handy. You

Sounds like Akane was the one hit. Suggest you reword.

"You guessed it. I just can't believe he'd do this to me! What does
that Akane have that I don't have?" she asked, looking as though she
were about to pout. Ryoga scowled, not liking the way she had said her
name.

RYOGA: Well, there's that mole on her left--

UKYO: It was a rhetorical question, fool.

"Don't pull Akane into this, it's not her fault Ranma's a jerk." he

this. It's

jerk," he

"Ranma's not a jerk. He's just...misunderstood." she said,

misunderstood," she

"Well, he'll be Akane's misunderstood husband, soon." said Ryoga,

soon,"

depressed now as he thought about what he had just said. Ukyo finished
her Okonomiyaki in one bite, stuffing it in her mouth as shamelessly

okonomiyaki.

"He will, won't he," she said, then seemed to remember who she was
with, "Hey, I'm sorry. I know how you feel about Akane." His heart

with. "Hey,

"They're each going around and telling their suitors to basically give
up, and let them marry. Tonight is my night, apparently." he

apparently," he

confessed. It pained him to think of it, but talking helped. After a
fashion. As much as re-breaking a broken leg that had set wrong

that had been set wrong

Nice metaphor, BTW. Really conveys Ryoga's feelings well.

"I see. It makes sense, in a way...how can you get over her if she
doesn't know you're into her in the first place? It'll be good for
you." she said, an odd sound of confidence in her voice that caused

you," she

"Let's see you be so confident when it's your night to be told by
Ranma." he said sullenly. Meeting his eyes, Ukyo frowned, her brown

Ranma," he

"It's not going to be just any date though...Nabiki had an idea." he

idea," he

"Halfway through the date, Akari is supposed to show up. After I tell
Akane how I feel, I'm supposed to go to Akari, and try to use her to
lift my spirits. Everyone seems to think I'm in love with Akari, but I
just...I just don't know what I feel for her." he said, images of

her," he

_What a bitter woman._ Ryoga snorted, his mood back down to what it had

woman,_ Ryoga

been before eating.

"Hey, what time are you supposed to be there?" she asked.

"Oh, at about..hey, in two hours. I'd better get going, actually."

actually,"

"Hold it, pig boy. I'll walk you there, okay? Just let me clean up the
place a little." she commanded. _Pig boy? How dare she...! Oh, cut it

little,"

out Ryoga, she's just trying to help._ Still, he frowned at her, unsure

out, Ryoga, she's
("Ryoga" here identifies who is being spoken to, so it must be set off
by a comma from the rest of the dialog)

"Fine, fine. You don't have to walk me there, though." he said,

though," he

"Yes I do, or you'll be wandering Nerima all night. Just give me a
few, okay? And feel free to use the bathroom. If you can find it."
This time she winked at him before ducking into the kitchen. _Heh, of
course I can find the bathroom. Just need to try going into the
kitchen._

UKYO: That's the broom closet!

RYOGA: Aaaaargh!

While I've nothing per se against a Ryoga/Ukyo matchup, I rarely find
them to be very believable. The problem seems to be that there's no
middle ground on this pairing; authors either believe in it religiously,
or they have no use for it.

If you want these two to end up together, that's fine, but the way
you've gone about it feels a bit contrived in some spots. Most notably:

1) Ryoga deciding that he doesn't love Akari. C'mon, this is the same
Ryoga who glomped his "fiancee" within a few minutes of the two meeting.
Would he really be that aware of his feelings, that willing to dismiss
out of hand his only ready source of love and affection?

2) The bits where Ryoga is attracted to Ukyo based on her appearance.
Just seems a little too obvious.

Again, I have no problem with your story eventually ending up with Ryoga
and Ukyo together. But let it happen naturally, and make sure there are
enough significant obstacles in the way so that the reader can believe
that it *might* not happen. One thing that I did find encouraging was
the comment near the end where Ryoga thinks that Ukyo is bitter. This I
liked, because it's something that they would have to overcome. This is
exactly the kind of thing I'd hope to see more of.

Looking forward to reading more of this....


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'