On Tuesday, Jun 10, 2003, at 20:38 US/Central, Denise Cameron wrote:

I started it quite a while ago, when I finished the manga, and
was left wanting to continue on. Soun Tendo had given Akane
and Ranma a task, and I wanted them to do that task. It
developed into something much bigger then I ever thought
it would.

I went back and looked at the page in question.  Like many other things 
in Ranma canon, Takahashi has left this ambiguous. A person who was 
opposed to a Ranma/Akane pairing might easily construe Soun as giving 
Ranma (or Akane) an honorable out, since by some interpretations, 
Ranma's multiple engagements CAN'T be resolved without damaging 
someone's honor. I just wanted to point this ambiguity out to you, 
since your fic doesn't show any signs of recognizing the need to 
convince some people that this scenario is plausible. Ranma fandom is, 
in my experience, the one with the most hotly contested differences 
about matchups. (NGE is a distant second, although we might have 
Knights of the True Children if Shinji ever had the backbone to choose 
a girl.)

So, this is the first chapter. The whole thing is still in progress.
I have 5 parts, the first 4 parts all have 5 chapters (with the
exception of one part that has 4 chapters) and right now I'm
working on Chapter 4 of part 5. So far, in my HD, the story is
177 pages long, and will be nearing an end soon.

In a way, this makes me afraid to give any C&C, despite the next 
paragraph. I know what it's like to invest time in a fic, only to find 
out that you need to go back and start over. It makes ANY C&C that 
suggests more than technical changes hard to take, which could lead you 
to, perhaps unfairly, reject some C&C about poor characterization or 
plotting or what have you.

Oh, also, I had a bit of a problem making thoughts italicized, while
keeping the format in just plain text. I hope what I did to
fix it doesn't mess it up. If it is messed up, email me (not the
list) at elenaholman@opgaming.com please. If it seriously
just does not work, you can also go to
http://elena.ff6rpg.net/counp1ch1.html

There's no italics in plain text (hence the word "plain"). Therefore, 
it doesn't show up at all. Just so you know.

--------------------------------------------------------
Title: The Countdown to Matrimony (Chapter 1/5, Part 1/5)
Anime/Game: Ranma 1/2
Author: Denise Cameron aka Elena99
--------------------------------------------------------

No disclaimer? Not even a "please don't sue me"?

Chapter 1: The Order of Things

"You never say what you feel.
Love can't go on with just one.
Sayanora my heart!
I want you back in my arms."

Akane Tendo felt heavy-hearted as she walked home from school. It was
a beautiful day, yet her eyes were focused on the ground. Her knuckles
turned white from gripping on her schoolbag, and she resisted the urge
to fix the hair that was being flipped around by the light breeze. Her
long, blue school dress and white shirt were being ruffled as well.

Do not end a paragraph with a passive sentence like that. It takes all 
the wind out of the sails (no pun intended). This chapter looks to be a 
character-based bit, so anything that doesn't contribute towards that 
goal should be at least rethought. You want to describe Akane 
(especially her mental and emotional state), not her dress and shirt.

It had been a long week, and half of it she hadn't even been aware of.

Eh, what's this? I know it's permissible now to sometimes end a 
sentence with a preposition these days, but it doesn't work here.

"Hey." Said a casual voice. It was always casual, which could be

You seem to capitalize "said" a lot, when it's not needed.
Besides, Ranma's voice ISN'T always casual. She just got done 
remembering his scream to her at the end of the battle. Just like every 
other time Ranma's had to go into a fight he wasn't really sure he 
could win, he let some of his true feelings show from under the surface 
bravado.

The figure in front of her was a handsome boy with long black hair,
styled in a pigtail at the nape of his neck. His eyes were a dark
blue, and he wore a red Chinese style shirt with black pants. A
handsome boy certainly, in a mischievous, childish way. His posture
spoke of great confidence, and laid back expression of his current
ease in walking, without an obvious care in the world.

I have no idea what "laid back expression of his current ease in 
walking" is supposed to mean. But it doesn't matter, since this whole 
paragraph isn't needed. Anyone who's reading a post-38 fic without 
knowing who the main characters are is already lost. You don't need to 
describe Ranma's appearance for us, unless you're going to use it as a 
means to show Akane's thoughts about him, like so:

He was handsome, in a way, she thought, but that wasn't what made her 
so, well, attracted to him. No, what drew her was the transparent way 
he held himself: the way his short, constantly moving pigtail seemed to 
embody the bravado she recognized so well, the way his eyes sparkled 
with barely contained energy, the way his face betrayed his every 
emotional turn. He was smiling now, not looking at her, but not really 
looking at anything else either.

You see the difference? It's like the admonition against the cliched 
"looking at myself in the mirror" scene; you can ignore the warning if 
you can build something greater out of the scene.

"Hi." She replied. The boy, Ranma, turned about face and began walking

Who else were we to think he was?

along with her, about half a pace in front and to the side. They
normally walked home from school, but for the past couple of days
Ranma had been taking off early. She often wondered where he went to,
but told herself it was none of her business. They may be engaged, but
she didn't own him. And she definitely didn't want to start acting
like she did.

Like hell. She acted like she owned him all the time. Remember the 
"Nabiki is Ranma's fiancee" arc? It's called jealousy. Akane isn't THAT 
blind to her motivations.

Looking out of the corner of her grey eyes, she noticed a small tear
on Ranma's shirt. Tilting her head to one side, she raised her eyes to
Ranma's face questioningly. He didn't usually get tears in his
clothing from just walking around. Had he been fighting? The latter
noticed her curious gaze, and returned it with interest.

I would think that Ranma's good enough that he doesn't usually get 
tears in his clothing from fighting, either.

Akane nodded, and they continued to walk along in silence. An awkward
silence, that wanted to say more, but didn't. Why was he still
following her? Couldn't he feel her aura pushing him away? Auras don't
quite work like that... She reminded herself, holding back a scowl.

drop the caps on "she".

"I was just thinking. About what my Father said." Her face warmed

"my father" isn't capitalized. ("Father", alone, often is.)

slightly, and she hoped she wasn't blushing. She never had liked the
idea of blushing, especially in front of guys. It was just so
childish, and girly.

Says the girl who's worried Ranma doesn't think she's feminine enough.



You get the idea. The sort of changes I'm proposing will, I hope, bring 
out the purpose of the chapter more clearly.


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