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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: atg2.txt
-- Desc: atg2.txt



(There was once a man who thought himself a god, and because of certain 
moderation powers, he tamed members of a fanfic mailing list, and they bowed 
to him and served him.  Many said he was a great writer...


Many more said otherwise.)

Justin's note:

Due to innovative times, a new feature will be added to this segment of 
Attacking The Gods.  What, may you ask, is this new feature?  The Hilo of 
Amendment.  A hilo, in theory, would make a "womp" sound any time it ran 
over anything.  So when you see the word "womp", picture  the mentioned 
element in the story being run over by some black guy on a hilo (a.k.a. 
forklift).  Multiple "womp"'s mean that the hilo is being backed over the 
element multiple times.  These womps indicate parts of the story that are a) 
not needed or b)defy explanation.  Many womps have been omitted after 
reviewing and discovering that one would have to be at the end of every 
line.  Assume the noun prior to the "womp" is the one being discussed.

Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the story.




			     POOLS OF HORROR

			 A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
			     by Gary Kleppe [womp]


For the readers' information:

(Post Facto as he's ALREADY TERRORIZING THE CITY.)

                       WHO IS PANTYHOSE TARO?

Pantyhose Taro is a young Chinese man who, as a baby, was baptized by
Happosai in the "spring of drowned yeti riding bull carrying crane and
eel." This gave him a cursed form that is a minotaur-like monster, but
with wings and an eel's tail. Happosai gave him the name "Pantyhose
Taro", which he hated. Only Happosai, who gave him his name, could
change it;

(Okay...court can't do that anymore?  Only Happousai?)

so he came to Nerima in search of the old lecher, where he
fought Ranma and friends. He later returned to Jusenkyo to splash his
back with "spring of drowned octopus" water, which gave him giant
tentacles; he then fought Happosai and the others again. In his final
appearance in the series, he was attacked by an Indian girl named Rouge.
She had fallen into a spring that turned her into Ashura, a three-headed
six-armed flaming warrior demon of incredible power.

(A demon of incredible power....Which somehow drowned.)

The reader may assume that this history from the original series
happened in this alternate universe as well. For more information, the
Pantyhose Taro FAQ by Blade is recommended.

(Yes!  I want to read the life story of NO ONE!  Or maybe a fictional 
character!  Kill me!)



                        PART TWO: FROM BAD TO WORSE

(With a generic title like that, HOW CAN I GO WRONG!?)

Lili and Akane glared at each other with looks of mutual hurt. "I
suppose you think this is funny, don't you," Akane said. "Well, enough
is enough!"

(Yes!  End the story!  END IT!  NOW!)

"I told you. Why won't you believe me? I'm not this person you think I
am. My name is Feng Lili."

"Fine. You be Feng Lili today if you want, Ranma. Maybe tomorrow I'll be
Feng Lili. And maybe Feng Lili can explain to the officer here why we
have to just let that monster go around destroying things, because the
person who could have stopped it is pretending to be a scared little
girl right now."

(Yes, because in Japan, Ranma has an OBLIGATION to SORT OUT ALL MONSTERS WHO 
RAMPAGE AND DESTROY.  It's his JOB.)

A voice came from the corridor. "Akane!"

(Corridor?  Is this DOOM?)

"Ryoga?" Akane had not seen him for the past several weeks.

"Akane, Ranma's not acting. It's the curse! His Jusenkyo curse has taken
him over! I was with him yesterday when it was happening!"

(So is Ryoga suddenly the Deus Ex Machina of this situation?  He shows up 
and suddenly knows EVERYTHING that is going on...AND THE RULES DON'T APPLY 
TO HIM!  He should be on the ground, on all fours, crawling along looking 
for slop, rooting through his own filth!)

"So it's true." Everyone turned to see Nabiki, who had just come in the
front door.

(Then the Terminator showed up, and stated "There is only one way to stop 
it!")

"What's true?" Akane asked in an irritated tone.

(Were you LISTENING!?  Damn you!)

"I just checked our mailbox."

(What the HELL!  THAT WASN'T EVEN A QUESTION!  I JUST EXCLAIMED, "WHAT THE 
HELL!"  Monsters are attacking the city...Let's check our mail!  Maybe it 
will hold some vital clue as to the solution of this problem!  Maybe 
Publisher's Clearing House already has the answer!)

Nabiki held up a letter. "This is from
Cologne. [Womp..womp-womp...womp...womp...womp-womp-womp]She's closed up the 
Nekohanten and taken Shampoo and Mousse
back to China. According to her, those two have both acquired the minds
of their cursed forms. They're now a cat and a duck, mentally as well as
physically. She says that it's the inevitable latter stage of the curses
of Jusenkyo.

(Because curses follow a logical order.  Like viruses! ...

...
...
THEY TURN INTO ANIMALS!!!)

"She also says that the same thing was happening to Ranma. You're not
talking to Ranma here. You're speaking to the girl who drowned in that
spring hundreds of years ago. That girl's mind, or spirit, has taken
over Ranma's body."

(Dude...I'd get her autograph.)

Lili jumped up from her chair. "NOOOOO!!!! That can't be right! This is
ME!!"

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It 
can't be.)

She found a mirror and stared at herself in it. A thing like that just
*couldn't* happen!

(Out of the question!  People may turn into pandas, she may be able to 
understand a language she never knew, a kid might become a fiery hellbeast 
in the middle of a mall, but DAMNED if she had drowned years ago and ended 
up in another body!)

But... was there any other explanation for the things
that had happened?

(She had the experience of "plunging" but doesn't remember getting out of 
the water.  Yeah, I'd say that's pretty air-tight.)

Was there any other way that this insane world, and
the insane things that were happening to her in it, made sense?

(Yes.  Gary Kleppe found a pen.)

Lili looked into the mirror, desperately looking for herself. A stranger
stared back.

(But..but...but IT'S HER!  RANMA LOOKS LIKE HER WHEN HE'S SPLASHED!!!  I 
KNOW THE AUTHOR NEVER MENTIONED THIS, BUT COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAARGH!!  
Maybe this is more metaphorical..."How can this be? I'm a poor Chinese 
girl.)

All of which went well over the head of officer Usugurai. "Folks, I
don't want to be rude, but I need to know if you'll be able to help us
with this monster or not. If not, I need to try to locate someone else
who can."

(So...let me get this straight...when there's a problem in Japan...the 
police go around trying to find someone to sort it out?  Maybe that's why 
cops never play a role in anime...)

"On the honor of the Anything Goes School, we will do what we can,"

(Yes, the infamous 99% guarantee...)

Soun
said, without optimism.

***

Soon after, a police car sped down the road, its siren blaring as the
other vehicles cleared the way. Usugurai drove, with Soun next to him on
the passenger side.

(For the record...in the Ranma series, there was only ever ONE car shown, 
and it was an old Rolls Royce.  Does ANYONE know what time frame Ranma took 
place in?)

Akane was in the back seat.

(And the story takes an abrupt shift!)

She didn't know what to make of what Nabiki
had said. Maybe Ranma *wasn't* acting.

(But then, what evidence was there to back THAT up?)

Was this another of Cologne's
plots to force him to marry Shampoo?

(Let's see...Ranma puts on a dress and pretends to hate violence, Ryoga 
shows up out of nowhere with an explanation, and there's a monster attacking 
the city, and the police have shown up to ask their help...THIS IS OBVIOUSLY 
PART OF SOME SELFISH PLOT!!!  Either that, or Gary Kleppe really likes 
trying to make his story sound in-depth.)

Did she do this to him, perhaps
using some sort of mind-altering drug? [womp] Would she offer some sort of
cure, one that would only work if Ranma went to China with her and
stayed there?  [wompe...womp....womp-womp]

(So curses are location-specific?  Imagine if cancer worked like that:  
"Okay, you'll be cured if you go to the Ukraine...but if you ever leave, 
you'll fall into relapse IMMEDIATELY.")

Lili's mind was numb. She closed her eyes and tried to wish herself back
to be with her father. It didn't work.

(After all the things that have happened, would you really have been 
surprised if it DID work?  I would have tried the same.  I mean, come 
on...HE TURNS INTO A PANDA!!!!)

P-chan, in his human form as Ryoga,

(And therefore RYOGA!)

sat in the back between Akane and
Lili-Ranma.

(He was thoroughly enjoying this.)

He didn't like being in his human body, this big clumsy
thing. But Akane was the one who had taken him in and given him a home.
It was his duty to protect her from whatever this monster was. Or from
Ranma -- Lili -- whatever her name was, if it came to that. Right now,
this was the body that he could do that best in.

Soun broke the silence. "What sort of monster is this, anyway?"

"Something resembling a minotaur."

("I used to research them in the Himalayas.")

Usugurai drove the car across a Do
Not Cross line, onto an evacuated street. "But it has a tail like an
eel, and on it's back are --"

"Pantyhose," Akane said.

"No, wings. It has wings."

"She means the monster is named Pantyhose," Soun corrected. "It's a long
story."

"Whatever it is, it moves too fast for us to shoot it," the officer
continued.

(Where guns fail, the Japanese police force recruits civilians to fight for 
them.  The hands of a trained martial artist move faster and farther than 
ANY bullet!)

"It seems to be carrying out mindless vandalism, destroying
everything.

(Is destroying EVERYTHING really vandalism?)

We managed to get all of the civilians evacuated from the
area, but not before several people were injured. One of them's a girl
named Mako who just turned thirteen today. She's critical right now, but
she should make it to fourteen."

(Oh, hell yeah!  You go, Mako!)

"Could Pantyhose's mind have been taken over by his curse?" Akane asked.
"Like the others supposedly were?"

(No, I doubt it.  That sounds like a rather ludicrous theory to me.  I guess 
the mind of those four animals combined would...unlike previously 
thought...not be looking for food, but GOING ON A MAD RAMPAGE, DESTROYING 
EVERYTHING!!)

"It's possible." Soun looked worried. "If that's the case, then things
have gone from bad to worse.

(Look!  The title makes a hasty appearance in the story!)

I can't think of a tougher, more dangerous
opponent than him."

(Elementary school?)

"Wasn't Pantyhose's cursed form made up from multiple creatures? Which
one will be in control?"

"Good question. Maybe none of them. Maybe the conflict between the minds
of the several different constituent forms is what's causing his current
behavior. We might be able to use that to our advantage." They would
certainly need any advantage they could get, Soun thought. Facing an
opponent as powerful as Pantyhose, with most of their fighting force
gone or disabled, they were... what was the expression Soun had heard
Ranma use? They were in deep shit.

(Because Ranma was JAPANESE!!!!!  So he said things like "IN DEEP SHIT"!!! 
Or maybe "Cowabunga, fatheads!")

Usugurai pulled the police cruiser over to a stop, and the occupants got
out.

(What the hell were they going to do, sit and listen to the radio?)

"The creature is around here somewhere. It hasn't been spotted
leaving this area." He and Soun moved off to one side to search. Akane
moved in another direction, with Ryoga close behind.

(They began lifting up rocks, and looking in the treetops and under cars.)

Lili leaned up against the police car, hoping that this would all be
over soon and she could go back to somewhere safe - if there was
anywhere that could be called safe in this insane place. She knew
nothing of monsters, save some stories of demons that her mother had
told her.

(They had gone something like this:  "Clean your room or the hell demon of 
flesh-eating torture and banditual molestation will rise from the earth and 
grind you into meat!!!)

Her mother... if what these people had told her was correct, then her
mother was dead now. So was her father, and everyone she had ever known.
And she herself. She was dead, a ghost trying to live a life in a stolen
body. One that she would gladly give back, if she only knew how.

(How...touching.  I feel like I'm being poked in the artery.  ANY artery.)

Lili noticed that she had been left behind at the car, by herself.

(No, she was left behind TOGETHER!)

That
brought back the frightening memory of being alone back in the
wilderness of China.

(She wasn't alone!  There were bandits, and that guy that just appeared out 
of nowhere!  Oh, shit!  The bandits are leaping out of the car!!!  Cue 
molestation!)

She stepped away from the car, looking down the
block, trying to spot where the others had gotten to.

(What the HELL kind of search party did they organize?!  Some of you go 
here...and some of you...over there...)

Something touched Lili's waist. She looked down. Something long and
slimy was wrapping itself around Lili's body. It was followed by
another, and another...

(And of all things, it took only two parts for this to become a 
full-fledged, generic hentai.  I want out.)

Lili screamed.

(Wise choice.  However, if you would have gone with option a: Run for your 
life or maybe attack the tentacles, which were OCTOPUS TENTACLES, and 
therefore relatively easy to TEAR things might have turned out better.)

***

Soun Tendo rushed down the street with officer Usugurai, toward the
scream they had just heard. The monster that had once been Pantyhose

(WAS IN THE CAR, GRASPING LILI WITH HIS TENTACLES AND LAUGHING AND HONKING 
THE HORN!@)


Taro had its tentacles around Ranma. Ranma looked absolutely terrified.

(But I could have SWORN he was mildly amused and somewhat chaffed.)

The monster let out a noise, something vaguely resembling an evil,
guttural laugh.

(By all means, he may be reverting to the animals and being driven insane by 
the many minds, but he can STILL PLOT EVIL!!!)

The policeman drew a gun and pointed it directly at
where the monster's heart ought to be.

(But it wasn't there....It was only sand!)

"No," Soun said. "If you fire that at him... it, it will kill him. Her."

(So he's just as confused as we are!)


Usugurai was a good enough shot to take down a normal man instantly with
a single shot.

(He had done so many times, as the brutalistic Japanese cops had been taught 
to do.  "I can take down humans instantly!  See?" blah.  "Did you see it?"  
No, we missed.  "Watch again!" Blah.)

But what, if anything, would a gunshot do to this
creature? He lowered his gun, watching the thing intently.

(In practiced theory, shooting it in the heart would kill it.  Large pieces 
of highly propelled lead tearing through my mortal flesh would seriously not 
make my day, if you know what I mean.)

Akane and Ryoga ran onto the scene, stopping in their tracks when they
saw what the situation was. A triumphant laugh-like noise issued forth
from the monster's mouth, as his pig-tailed captive pleaded helplessly.

(They decided to grab some popcorn and watch.  Like any poorly-thought-out 
anime character, she would merely scream a lot and not do anything, until a 
tentacle gets shoved down her throat.  Gary Kleppe, you are ane completist.)

If this was an act, it was the best acting Akane had ever seen.

(More than an act, my friend!  This is anime, at it's tentacled best!)

She had
watched an anime[womp] called Iczer-One[womp] a few days ago, in which a 
girl named
Nagisa[womp-womp] had been attacked by some sort of slime creatures.[womp] 
Ranma was
freaking out ten times as much as Nagisa had. [womp]

(This paragraph alone warrants the instant death of Gary Kleppe.  Yet I see 
more writing, which leads me to assume that he was NOT struck down by 
heaven.  Drat.)

Then another police car pulled up.

(Geez, when Godzilla destroys half of Tokyo, he gets an army after him, no 
matter how futile they already know it is.  This monster comes along and 
destroys...a MALL, along with attacking a girl, and though it may not be 
quite up to Godzilla's standards...I think two police cars is by far NOT 
sufficient, even with civilian back-up.)

Nabiki Tendo came out from the passenger's side of the newly-arrived
vehicle. The driver's side window was partially rolled down, and a gun
barrel could be seen, directed toward the creature.

"Nabiki, no!" Soun cried out. "If we try to shoot it, it will kill
Ranma!"

"Oh, I shouldn't worry," Nabiki said unperturbedly. "This gun is not
exactly standard police issue."

"What do you mean, not standard police issue?" Akane asked, hardly in
the mood for games.

"It's a super-soaker. Now!" A stream of steaming water issued forth from
the gun. Instantly the monster was gone, replaced by a naked young man.

(This is the ONLY way to have a transition from tentacles; bring in a naked 
young man!)

Lili-Ranma, noticing that the tentacles that had been holding her had
disappeared, dove away from her former captor and fell to the ground
sobbing. Ryoga wrestled the now-human Taro[womp...womp...womp....*drives 
away fifty feet.....................womp] to the ground before he could
escape.

Soun went to comfort Ranma. "It's okay, Ranma, it's all over. Please
stop crying. It's not a dignified thing to do." He turned to his middle
daughter. "Thank you, Nabiki."[womp]

"Always glad to help when my dear old dad rushes out of the house with
no idea what he's doing. You'll be getting my bill," she said with a
smirk.

(She was promptly disowned.  What the hell does he owe her for?  The 
super-soaker?  Realization of this dawned, and Nabiki had to save face for 
saying this.  She removed a knife from somewhere that doesn't matter and 
gutted herself like a fish.)

"It is all over, isn't it? I mean the fighting," Akane said. "Or is
there something we're forgetting?"

(No.  There's NOTHING else.  The story can end now.  It's all over.  There 
is nothing more to discuss...)

"Well, I want to thank all of you." Usugurai forced the handcuffed Taro
into the back of his car. "Fighting monsters is not something I'm
trained to deal with. It's funny, I was watching an old monster movie
last night. The people didn't know what to do about the monster that was
attacking them, until a couple of little kids came up with an idea that
they needed."

(Scooby-Doo?   So this guy bases his police operations off of movies?)

"Your department will *definitely* be getting a bill," Nabiki said, "and
for more than just the ice cream cone or can of Coke that kids like that
would have asked for."

(And you'll be coming with ME for trashing our police cruiser.  And did you 
HAVE to kill the officer that was in it when you took it?)

"It's okay. The kids' idea in the movie didn't work as well as yours
did. Luckily in the movie, another monster showed up. Gamera the flying
turtle fought the first monster and saved everyone. By the way, ma'am,
if you're not busy, I'd like to thank you personally for your help, by
taking you out to dinner."

(Gamera has been associated with Gary Kleppe...What will the children think? 
  And are we left to assume that ALL people in Japan watch generic 
pop-japanese-culture movies like Iczer One and Gamera?  And is it even LEGAL 
for an officer to ask someone out after closing a case?)

"Well, all right. I should warn you that my tastes run toward the
expensive, though." Nabiki tried to estimate how much a police officer
could be taken for. "Wasn't there a delightful little foreign restaurant
in this neighborhood? A friend took me there last month, and I had some
of the best flambeed.... Say, do you smell smoke?"

(Little Usugurai sat in the corner eating his officer pie.  He stuck in his 
thumb and pulled out Nabiki, who said, "What an easy pick-up am I!")

"Now that you mention it.... Someone probably forgot to turn something
off when this area was evacuated. I'll call in the fire department, have
them check it out. We don't want this whole area going up in flames --"
Usugurai's thought was never finished. All eyes looked up as a brilliant
red ball of light erupted into the sky. Something solid became visible
in the center, as the ball of fire began coalescing into a shape. Three
people. No, it was one humanoid thing, a female with three faces and six
arms.

(Oh, wow!!!  ANOTHER monster!  Hindu gods are our foes!  Quick! Call Thor!)

Another monster had shown up.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!" it said. "Ashura has returned, little ones!"

(And the children all danced happily around her and rejoiced!  Singing a 
song in praise of her, no less they were.)

The policeman in the second car raised his gun and fired a stream of hot
water at the demonic creature. The water turned into steam before it
could get within two meters of its target. Ashura laughed again, pointed
one of her six hands, and instantly the car was set aflame. The officer
jumped out frantically, rolling on the ground to extinguish his burning
clothes.

(Okay, this is time to make an analysis of the process of the curse that 
affects the Ranma cast.  Steam is...technically..just HOT WATER, isn't it?  
Does the heated water have to be a certain density?  Here's a better 
question...If the demon was so hot that water turned to steam around 
it...HOW THE FUKLAND McCRACKER DID IT DROWN!!?  CAN a Hindu god, which for 
some god(?)-forsaken reason is in China, DROWN TO BEGIN 
WITH????!!!!!!???!!!)

Lili looked at the demon in the sky.

(With diamonds.)

Happosai, Akane, Pantyhose... none
of them were a tenth as frightening as the thing she saw before her.
Deep inside her mind, some small not-yet-extinguished vestige of what
was Ranma Saotome[WOMPWOMPWOMPWOMPWOMPWOMPWOMPWOMP (It got ran over by 
several hilos)] saw and understood the situation...

(What the FUCK is going on here!?!)

They were in deep shit.


(How the HELL did we make it through this one?  I mean, you'd think our 
brains would melt and we'd oewao sai fjeiwy fielze j elwka;   cj98wj a skjd  
f aiowje  WITH A FORK!  McMootz!)



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