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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: atg4.txt
-- Desc: atg4.txt


We sat down to continue Attacking The Gods, and we asked ourselves, "Where 
do we begin?"

We read the first sentence, and again, we asked, "Where do we begin?"

We don't know, but we're going to take in vast amounts of salt in hopes that 
this will somehow
get us through part IV of ... *drum roll, divers alarums* ... ATTACKING THE 
GODS!!!

[Warning:  This is a parody of a story that sucks.  One that sucks really, 
REALLY bad.  We are
not responsible for your head filling with marsh fumes and exploding due to 
the reading of this
story.  Frankly, we'll be lucky if it doesn't happen to us, but in the event 
that it does, anyone who
reads this will know why.  Blah.]

                    POOLS OF HORROR

                A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
                    by Gary Kleppe [Wompity-womp-womp...womp womp!]


                PART FOUR: DESPERATE MEASURES

(Has there been anything requiring desperate measures, or have they just 
been sitting around for
40kb of story?  I mean, the only real dilemna is getting lots of hot water 
to splash onto a fiery
goddess/demon/thing/blah.)

"Here is legendary training ground. Cursed springs of Jusenkyo. This
place very dangerous. You very strange ones to come here."

(Already this story has caused a man to suffer from terminal fragmentation 
of sentences.)

The pudgy man in the seventies-style Chinese uniform

(Uniform for WHAT?  Is he a military man?  Absolutely brilliant, the 
description here!  Maybe he
was a chef?  Does it matter?  ALL CHINESE WEAR THE EXACT SAME CLOTHES!!)

stepped to the side
and pointed into the clearing without looking.

(However, it may only have APPEARED to be a clearing...)

In that place were
hundreds of small springs with long bamboo poles sticking out of them.

(An interesting point is brought up here...Wouldn't the bamboo poles turn 
into animals, then?
Shouldn't we be inundated with pandas and red-haired women?  I mean, what 
are the criteria for
being affected by these curses?  We have to find a scientific explanation.  
Maybe the curse works
selectively on things with mitochondria!)

Each of the pools had its own horror.

(Or, in some cases, a happy panda!)

There was some terrifying creature
at the bottom of each one,

(No, there were NOT terrifying creatures at the bottom of each one.  There 
were cats, bears, and
women...OH MY!)

ready to spring out onto any unsuspecting
victim.

(Noooooo...It's a CURSE.  If you FALL IN, you GET CURSED.  Very simple.  No 
messy
"springing-out" needed.  This is a passive curse, not an active one.)

Akane couldn't see them, but she knew that they were there. She
felt their presence in her mind.

(Use the force, Akane!  Use the force!  Let go!)


"Let's go, Ranma." Akane jumped up onto one of the poles.

(And IMMEDIATELY fell face-first into a pool.)

Her fiance did
likewise. She faced him, assuming a combat-ready stance. "I won't make
things easy for you."

(Where are they?  Where the bloody HELL ARE THEY!?  Did they completely 
forget about
Ashura?  What the hell is going on...?  They were discussing ... 
nothing...for a WHOLE 17KB,
and now they're in CHINA!!!???  This had BETTER be a freaking flashback, or 
I'm getting my
gun, and putting bullet holes selectively into the ligaments and heads of 
any passersby that look
like these characters.)

"Hey, like you ever did?" he sniggered. "Just don't make me eat any of
your cooking!"

(Oh, SHIT!  That was funny as hell!!!  OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
The Gary Kleppe sense of humor pulls through again!  YOU WIN!)

"JERK!!" Akane swung her mallet, knocking Ranma off of his pole and
sending him plummeting below.

(Yeah!  So that's a mallet, and you have it.  All right.)

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!" Ranma cried, as he fell, tumbling down to the
ground in slow motion. Akane strained to see him in the dim evening
light (hadn't it been daytime moments ago?) as she heard a splash from
below.

(Please note that the above parethetical entry is not one of ours.  Gary 
Kleppe started to do our
job for us.  Disregard.)

She jumped down from her pole to the ground below. "Ranma?" Bubbles rose
from the spring next to her. She turned...

(So far...They're in a dangerous place in China, fighting on top of bamboo 
poles...poles in which
they somehow keep their balance WHILE SWINGING UNEXPECTED MALLETS.  Demon.
Demon demon.  Demon demon demon, demon, demon demon; demon.)

... and a skeleton rose from the pool. A skeleton wearing Ranma's gi
bobbed up, empty eye sockets gleaming in the moonlight.

(Close.  Skeletons are close, but the demon in question is BACK IN JAPAN, 
STILL AT LARGE,
WATING FOR NOON OF WHAT WAS PROBABLY FOUR DAYS AGO, assuming they
needed some time to get to China.  All we've learned in these past two 
stories is that Kuno just
wants two girls, and Akane likes Ranma, but doesn't, but does, but is 
suspicious.  THESE
CHARACTERS ARE SO SHALLOW!  AND THEY WERE SHALLOW BEFORE KLEPPE
GOT HIS ILL-BEGOTTEN, GREASE-STAIN�D FINGERS ON THEM!)

Loud, uncontrollable laughter was heard. Akane looked toward the source.
It was the Guide, his face obscured by the darkness. Akane said angrily,
"You never said anything about --"

(Technically, there's only one kind OF controllable laughter; your own.  How 
can you control
someone else's?  Exactly.)



He stepped into view. He now had the face of Principal Kuno.

(Which he had torn from Principal Kuno's cranium only moments before.  You 
don't understand;
he had it on his HAND.)

"HAHAHAHA!!! 'Ey, wahine, we wen' made one o' dese springs fo' you too,
yeah!"

(If this is some sort of accent he's trying to replicate, I'm going to take 
a stab and say it's elvish.
Elvish or bullshit.  I can't decide which.  Cause you see, the he'nwit 
INtwap a war-dongle ehbpho
nikritzk.)

Suddenly,

(Fanfictions FAVORITE adverb...or should I be saying "Everyone's dai-ichiban 
suki na adverb?"
Faggots.)

Akane found herself immersed in water,

(She had completely lost herself, as anyone else involved in this story had 
multiple times before.)

the laughing Principal
visible above the water surface. Akane, being unable to swim, splashed
around helplessly, slowly sinking to the bottom.

(The urge for the human body to float is TREMENDOUS.  She would have to be 
splashing
UPWARD for her body to "sink" anywhere!  Gravity and density do NOT 
negotiate.)

Desperately holding her breath, she reached the bottom. Her powerful leg
muscles pushed, propelling her upward. After long seconds she reached
the surface...

(Where were those leg muscles when she was trying to keep afloat?  And 
what's a long second?
Maybe her legs were tardy, I don't know...)

... and the surface was covered by some transparent barrier.

(Saran Wrap.)

Akane
struck the barrier, again and again, as hard as she could, but it did
not budge. She struggled desperately, as the last traces of air were
gone from her lungs, and the water would be denied entrance to them no
longer, and the man kept on laughing, and laughing, and laughing...

(Gary Kleppe has done to run-on sentences what even Speed Racer failed to 
do.)

... and Akane woke. She was wet; [womp] at first she thought it was from the
pool, then she realized she was covered in her own sweat.

Then her door opened.

(It was a panda.  It promptly defecated on the floor and walked away.  I 
hope the whole story was
a dream.  That would be great.)

***

Shampoo woke. She checked her watch: Seven A.M., Japanese time. The "Red
Eye" flight she was on from Beijing to Tokyo would be landing soon. She
was sad about her great-grandmother, but there was nothing that could be
done for her now. She was also sad to have had to leave her amazon
sisters so soon after recovering; but she had to come to Japan, to see
if she could help Ranma.

(Okay...so she was a cat...but Gary Kleppe solved that problem while we 
weren't looking, so it's
okay.)

Meanwhile, back in Shampoo's village, Cologne, eldest and most respected
of the amazons, was contentedly lapping up a saucer of milk.

(Ah, foreshadowing GENIUS!  I wonder what happened?  So subtle, so 
understated...)

***

It was seven A.M. in the Tendo living room. Happosai stood on the table,
petulantly

(Look!  Gary Kleppe can use a thesaurus!  It doesn't matter if the rest of 
the story is for shit, as
long as we stick a random large word in, we're okay!  The thesaurus-master 
smites afresh!)

pacing back and forth. The scene had been going on for hours.
They were at an impasse.

(...deadlock, blind alley, stone wall, dead end, standstill.  See "END".)

"Please, master," Soun pleaded. "You've got to help Ranma!"

"Or what?"

(I agree.  I like his take on things.)

Happosai snapped. "Or you'll all hate me forever? You
probably will anyway!"

"Or... or..."

(WE'LL MAKE YOU READ THIS FANFIC!  READ IT!  READ IT, YOU SQUIRRELY
SON-OF-A-BITCH!)

Soun turned to his middle daughter. "Tell him, Nabiki."
Nabiki would be able to persuade him, she had to be.

The old man jumped onto Nabiki's lap. "Okay, or what? Come on, tell me!"

Nabiki thought for a moment. "Nothing," she said weakly.

Soun gaped. "What??"

"I said nothing!! None of you can outfight him, can you? And you just
can't blackmail someone who doesn't give a damn about anything!"

"So," Happosai said with a smug air of superiority, "we finally have
that straight."

(I want to go home.  Oh no...I am home.)

"Master Happosai," Kasumi said, "won't you help Ranma? He was your
friend. I'm sure you want to see him back as much as the rest of us do!"

"Yeah, that's what I don't get," Nabiki said. "Why don't you want to
help him? If nothing else, he was a playmate of yours; and Ashura might
come for you if he isn't around to get in her way."

(Sounds logical, but you SEE...we already KNOW what the problem with that is 
because of the
surreptitious foreshadowing.)

"You think it's that easy, eh?" Happosai sounded a little offended.
"Think that the only reason Happosai won't help is that he's an evil,
cruel man? Apparently you have no idea what you're asking.

"Yes, I did receive a delivery from Cologne-chan.

(Does Kleppe-chan love to blunder into random Japanese-ish or what?  Good 
job, yeah...but if
you HAVE to show off the FIVE things you know about the Japanese language in 
a story, could
you keep it regular, rather than completely at random with as much 
forethought at taste you put
into your writing?  Thanks.  I'd like that.)

A special variety of
'raw' Jusenkyo water.

(What the flemekian HELL is "raw" water?  No, tell me now.)

When a curse victim is doused with this water, it
causes a sort of ionization,

(Oh, NOW get scientific...when it doesn't make sense!  So...what does atomic 
structure have to
do with this curse again?  Maybe you can take a refresher's course and THEN 
tell me, so you'll
have some clue as to what the bloody mcflaggle-spurtin' hosswitz you're 
talkin' about!)

a temporary separation of the curse spirit
and the host body. A special technique, with which I am familiar, can
then be used to mentally reach in and pull out the curse spirit, thus
bringing the host completely back to normal."

"But Master, then why..."

"Don't get it, do you? The curse spirit must have a host!

(Like Urkel.  Cause you see, if this wasn't true, there would be no conflict 
left in this story, and
we'd have Fist of the North Star all over again, so there.)

If I reach in
with my mind and yank it out, it attaches itself on to me. To free Ranma
from his possession,

(He would have to become a Jedi, and forsake all material things.)

I would have to get possessed myself! Totally and
permanently!

"Now... is there anyone here who'll call me an evil, cruel man for not
being willing to make that sacrifice?"

No one spoke up. No one could think of anything to say.

(Nabiki lunged over the table, clutching at his shirtsleeves.  She looked up 
at him with glazed yet
starry eyes and whispered, "Love me...love me you strange, bald little man," 
with her absolute
best New York accent, upon whence she let go of him, returned to her seat, 
and everything was
back to normal and completely forgotten as the story continued like the 
broken chain of thought
that it is.)

Lili quietly slipped out of the room and up the stairs. She had heard
enough. If it would help, if it were possible, she would gladly agree to
let her spirit be moved to the old man's body, or even be sent off to
oblivion. But it made her feel so bad to be treated as a parasite to be
gotten rid of, some unwanted pest who brings nothing but misery.

(Suicide solves ALL problems.)

Passing Akane's room, she heard a cry of agony from within. Perhaps she
could help, she thought.

(Ah, the random, heroic traits of all Chinese spirits...)

She opened the door.

(Nooo crap.)

Akane was obviously startled.

(It could have been the startled look on her face, or the sign on her head 
that said, "I'm startled."
However, the simple cry of "Egad!  I be startled!" was most likely the 
giveaway.)

"Couldn't you have knocked?! This is my
private room!

(Implying that she has a public one, to boot.)

Don't you understand that?"

"I'm afraid I don't," Lili said meekly. "I guess I wasn't raised with
the concept.

(I being one from a communist country.  Go reds.)

I heard you call out and thought I could help. I'm sorry to
intrude on you, I'll go."

(Thank you, robot.  Now, Lili...)

"No, wait. Please stay,"

(I'm alone and there's no people.  Please stay!)

Akane said. She had done it again. Though Ranma
was gone, maybe forever, she was still chasing him away when he was
trying to be nice. "I was just having a nightmare. How did I get up
here, anyway? Last I remember we were downstairs with Happosai. What
happened? What's the situation?"

(Well, there's a demon, and it's attacking the city, and demon demon demon 
demon demon demon
demon demon demon demon demon demon demon demon demon demon demon.  Note the
urgency.)

"Your friend Ukyo is sleeping in your sister Kasumi's room. The others,
the ones named Kuno, went home to rest. You fell asleep in the living
room around three o'clock, and your father and sister carried you up
here.

(Apparently NOTHING was happening and you all zonked out.)

The rest of us have been up all night trying to convince Happosai
to help, but so far he won't. I'm sorry. If there were anything I could
do, I would. I never wanted any of this to happen."

"I know. I'm the one who should be sorry. Sorry for yelling at you just
now, and yesterday too. I just didn't understand... I didn't know, I
thought you were Ranma... oh, God, he's really gone...."

"We never even said goodbye! The day before, I was just yelling at him,
over some petty little annoyance, and he just kept on saying 'I'm
sorry'. That must have been the last time I talked to him. Wherever his
spirit is now, he's going to remember me as the girl who hated him. The
one who could only scream at him when he needed help.

(He never asked for your help, you cranky little bitch!  There is something 
called character,
staying in, and you, my friend, lack it.  You do this in every damn 
fanfiction you're in!  "I really
DO like Ranma!  Uuuuugh-aaaaagh-uuuugh-waaah-aaah!")

"Why is it so much clearer now that he's gone? Oh, Ranma, if there's any
of you left in there that can hear me, I don't hate you. I love you!"

Lili held Akane in her arms,

(And this became an entirely new fanfiction!)

not knowing what else to do. "He knows,
Akane. I'm sure he knows."

(Or at least that's what she MEANT.  In her inaccurate Japanese, she 
actually said, "May the
blood of swine quench your thirst, carbeurator.)

***

Kasumi changed her clothes

(And THIS is what it looked like:  la-la-la, fanfiction writing of a nude 
scene, la-la-la.)

and headed back downstairs to get started on
the day's breakfast.

(Demon.  Demon demon.)

She could hear Akane talking to Lili from outside
her door. She thought about going in to try to help her sister, but
decided against it. What could she do?

(It only took ME five minutes into the story to lose all hope.  She made it 
all the way to part IV.)

Reassure her that everything
would be all right? It seemed very much that everything would not be all
right.

(There's something so TERRIBLY redundant about that.  That's all.)

She thought about Akane and Ranma. The pain of losing a loved one was
enormous; Kasumi knew that all too well from the time her mother passed
away. How much more painful it must be to lose a loved one before having
expressed your true feelings to one another.

(Because she was "in the know" of Akane's sudden change of heart.)

She thought about the upcoming battle, which any or all of the
combatants might not survive.

(She seemed rather indifferent to that fact, just as portrayed by that 
sentence.  Then she stopped
thinking about it, and was fine.)

Then she went to the phone. She hoped that Doctor Tofu would be awake
already.

(Because, in the midst of disaster, let us not forget our pent-up lusts!)

***

Soun was the last one left with Happosai in the living room,

(Everyone else was DEAD.)

Nabiki
having gone to catch some sleep. He didn't know what he could or should
say to his master, but he felt obligated to stay and try to think of
something.

"Let me talk to him, Dad," Akane said upon entering the room.

(LISTEN HERE, YOU ********** ***************************** **** * ***** ****
*********!)

She was
freshly dressed after a morning shower. "I think I can get him to help
us."

"Akane? You weren't here to hear. To help us, the master would have
to --"

"Lili explained everything to me. Trust me. I need to talk to Happosai
alone."

(She said, stroking her sudden mallet with an evil glint in her eye.  Okay.)

"If you think it will do any good, all right. I could use a little sleep
myself right now."

(You know, before the big battle?  Cause you see, once we get Ranma back, 
everything's FINE.
They don't call him Ranma: Demon Hunter for no reason, you know!  Yes, the 
fact that this is a
demon with BEYOND HUMAN capabilities...capabilities likened to that of, say, 
A GOD, with
Ranma helping, these FIFTY OTHER MARTIAL ARTISTS aren't needed at all; 
victory is
ASSURED.)

"Thanks, Dad," she said, as Soun wandered sleepily up the stairs.

(He LIVES there.  You only wander when you don't know where you're going!  
He has purpose
and knowledge of the layout of the house.  WANDERING IS NOT AN OPTION!)

"Well?" Happosai asked as the two were alone. "What now? You have
something to say that's supposed to convince me to help?"

"Maybe."

"Feh. Don't waste your breath," Happosai said with contempt. "You never
liked me. Isn't that so?"

"Right." There was no point in trying to deny the obvious.

"You know, I've seen you around your school. You're attractive, popular.
The kind of girl who could end up with any guy she wanted."

(Like Ranma...ranmaranmaranma, demon demon.  Demon demon demon.  Demon 
demon.)

"Maybe."

"Ranma, too. He's the kind of boy who has girls crawling all over him."

(Your point being?  No, literally.)

Akane looked somewhat annoyed. "Your point being?"

"I've always had what you might call a fetish.

(Shutup.  Shut the fuck up.  Womp.  I didn't even put it in brackets!
Wompwompwompwompwomp!)

Pretty women, and some of
the things they wore, have always been the most wonderful, the most
magical things for me. All I wanted was for one of them to be my friend,
and I would have been content. Just one of them to take pleasure in my
touch, instead of recoiling in disgust.

(Why did he want clothes to be his friend?)

"But," Happosai continued, "and you may not believe this, I was always a
short, unattractive kind of fellow. I wasn't rich either, and I didn't
have any kind of important social standing. Beautiful women like
Cologne-chan never wanted anything to do with me. For a long time I
hated women because they denied me what I wanted the most; maybe I still
do."

(For character stay in as are, doing exceptional is good for proper stay put 
character as!)

Akane wondered why anyone wouldn't believe that about Happosai. She kept
her mouth shut and let him continue.

"I became a martial arts master so I could take what I wanted. No, I
never raped anyone [womp]; I stole a lot of undies and other valuables and I
copped a few feels, but that was it.

(Akane quickly withdrew from the room as he continued to ramble on.)

"Now you want me to give up my life for Ranma, someone who's had a whole
life of women trying to force on him the things I never had? Well,
forget it. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not a hero. That's not what
life's made of me. What have you got to say to me now, hm?"

(Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.  I was staring out the window.  There was a DEMON out 
there.
DESTROYING THE CITY.  So what was this about your personal problem?)

"One thing...."

***

It was seven forty-five. Kasumi came down into the kitchen. "Good
morning!" she said cheerfully to Ukyo, who was there cooking okonomiyaki
in one of Kasumi's frying pans.

"Morning. I just came down to do what I do best. Wanna try some when
it's ready?"

(By cooking, we shall defeat this DEMON! DEMON DEMON!)

"Why yes! Thank you!"

"I gotta admit, I was pretty skeptical at first. I wondered if this
whole business with Ran-chan wasn't just an act."

(This is how the U.S. military will deal with problems a few years down the 
road from now.
They'll cook.  Cook and ignore.)

"Goodness! What changed your mind?"

(I can not read into that in any way other than sarcastic.  I cannot, and I 
refuse to.  It's just
WRONG to think otherwise...)

"A lot of things.

(You know, the DEMON!  Demon demon deeeemon, demon demon demon demon 
deeemon..tra-
la-la demon.)

Taro. Rouge. Genma. And talking to that girl, Lili. I
know a little bit about the history of certain kinds of foods. She knows
things about fifth-century cooking that Ran-chan couldn't have known."

(Unless he had read a book. But who's got time for that when there's demons? 
  Demon demon.
Demon.  They're never going to get to that.  The stories going to end, and 
everything will be
unresolved because Gary Kleppe THINKS he's developing character.  DEMON!)

Ukyo sighed. "I guess I always thought in the back of my mind that
Ran-chan and I would end up together. I mean, nothing against Akane, but
she always seemed so... violent.

(Then there's you, who once tried to sever Ranma's head with a spatula.  
Marriage material if I
ever saw it.  Up with people.)

But now it's not going to happen. It
just makes me so MAD! I want to find the person responsible and...
and..."

"And do violence to him? Oh my! But I'm afraid it's too late for that.
Mr. Saotome is the one who knocked Ranma into that spring, and he's
already suffered the same fate as his son."

(Panda defecation?  That's not the same fate.  That's sooo not the same 
fate.)

"Ranchan told me there was a guide at Jusenkyo. I'm betting that he
knows something about who created that place, and who allows it to stay
there. Maybe it's him. If I survive against Ashura, I'm gonna close my
shop and go hunt down whoever is responsible for those cursed pools."

(They're curses.  They don't pay rent! Wha...what do you WANT?  No one LETS 
them stay
there.  They are there because they're CURSES.  Don't make this into a 
conspiracy.)

"Oh, dear. Ukyo, please be careful. You could end up in one of those
springs and coming back in someone else's body in the year 3500."

(Oh, how horrible it would be to STILL BE ALIVE AFTER DROWNING!  What a 
terrible
fate!)

There was a knock. "Come in!" Kasumi said brightly, as Lili entered.

"Ranch- er, Lili! Want some breakfast?"

(Oops, my brain took a MASSIVE panda shit!  Ranch-er?  Are we now in the 
process of herding
cattle?)

There was a look of pleading in Lili's eyes. "Please, both of you, I
need your help. I need to know everything you can tell me about this
person Ranma Saotome."

(But it was already too late. They would be telling her everything as seen 
in the mind of Gary
Kleppe, whom is so totally out of character as it is, that attempting to 
define them by the merits of
who they are supposed to be and not via the story itself will cause this 
whole imaginary world to
cave in on itself and create a vortex to hell.)

***

Ten thirty. Nabiki entered the kitchen and found the three girls
talking. "Kasumi," she asked, "what happened to Happosai?"

(He left.  He doesn't like you.)

"Goodness, I don't know. Isn't he still out in the

(Demon.  Demon demon.  Demon.  Has this demon been doing anything since they 
left it.  Is it
just still sitting there, cross-legged, floating in the air on fire and 
pondering nothingness?  Or is it
in some caf�, trying to order a mocha without having the waitress run away 
screaming/burst into
flames at a touch?)

living room with
father?"

"No, Dad is in his room sleeping."

"Happosai probably went with Akane," Lili said. "She said that she was
going to persuade him to help get Ranma back, and that she would have to
take him off somewhere private."

"WHAT?!?"

"Calm down, Nabiki!" Kasumi said.

"The hell I will! Don't you realize what's happening? At this very
moment our sweet, naive, stupid little sister is being... de-flowered!
By that... that old..."

(Well, even we just CAN'T comment on this.  Frankly, we don't want to.  They 
said, "de-
flowered."  Oh my sweet lord of halbetsy...)

"Nabiki, you don't know for sure that that's what she meant," Kasumi
said evenly. "We have to trust Akane to look after herself."

(I'm not trusting any of these people to even water my lawn!  They'll 
probably end up mourning
some dead relative, or cooking!  I mean, look how they're handling the 
DEMON...then you're
going to have them water you're lawn, and they'll go off on SOME tangent, 
and your lawn is
sitting there, dead and stuff...)

"Yeah!" Ukyo added. "And besides, if it helps Ranchan, isn't it worth
it? I mean, if I had to to get him back, I'd screw a --"

( lightbulb in.)

"Happosai doesn't have a shred of honor

(Apparently, neither does Ukyo.)
. You should know that. After
he's had his little fun, he'll just go on his merry way. DAMN! I ought
to --"

"Oh dear. Have you any idea where they might be?" Kasumi asked
matter-of-factly.

(Wait.. Let's think that over..."As a matter of fact, do you have any idea 
where they might be?"
How can an interrogative sentence be FACT?)

"No," Nabiki grudgingly admitted.

***

Eleven thirty.

The demon Ashura fought with various units of the Japanese and American
military above the suburbs of Tokyo.

(So the demon HAS been doing stuff!  They just don't care!  And somehow 
RANMA is supposed
to solve a problem that nother the Japanese OR American military can!  First 
off, I think this is a
farce, and whatever happens, Ranma will only save the day by accident, 
because the American
military came in and said, "Okay, look here, you five-foot, squint-eyed 
morons...You're fighting a
DEMON.  You come in, and you call the police, who then go off to recruit 
CIVILIANS, and
they're all dumb and turn into animals and I DON'T KNOW WHY, and we're going 
to kill it and
take over your country and bomb Hiroshima again and AGAIN, and even when you 
rebuild it,
AGAIN, because you are dumb, dumb, dumb, stupid, dumb, and we hate you and 
you suck.  I
need a sandwich.  CORPORAL?!?)

Shells and gunfire were unable to
penetrate a globe of fire that the demon surrounded itself with.

(So it turns water to steam...AND MELTS BULLETS!?  HOW IN BLAZES DID SHE 
EVER
TURN BACK TO HUMAN WHEN SHE BECAME THE DEMON IN THE FIRST PLACE
DAMN HATE STUPID ALL!?)

Missiles and other long-range weaponry were simply unable to hit the
swiftly-moving creature. When the military men had exhausted their
ammunition, they were decimated by flaming energy blasts.

(How swiftly-moving are we talking?  Missiles travel at about 800mph, and 
then Ranma is
supposed to fight this thing and win, and I don't know why, and what kind of 
military has ... I
don't know... TANKS that are decimated by FIRE?  That has to be the 
Japanese.  They're
probably running blindly at her with swords.  I mean, they've been attacked 
by Godzilla a
MILLION times and never learned!)

At eleven forty, a pair of heat-seeking missiles were launched.

(They only JUST NOW thought of this, even though they've been fighting for a 
day, which is
plenty of time for America to get MILITARY UNITS TO JAPAN, AND I WANT TO 
CRY!)

Ashura
gestured with two of her arms, and a troop-carrying vehicle became
white-hot, causing the missiles to home in on it instead of her. The
demon laughed wildly as the vehicle exploded.

(Because missiles can make ninety degree turns, you know.)

By eleven fifty-five, the battle was already over. Unequivocally,
undeniably, indisputably, the military had lost.

(Yes, conveniently RIGHT before noon.  Now here's a few more entries from 
the thesaurus that
the thesaurus master has forgotten: incontestably, unquestionably, 
incontrovertibly, irrefutably...)

Ashura flew,

(Which is what you do when you are in the sky, raining hellfire down on 
people for no reason.)

surveying the landscape to see if anyone else would be
challenging her.

(Because, you know, the military lost to her.  I'm sure there's a LINE.)

One lone figure caught her attention. As she flew down
closer, she saw that it was a teenage boy. He wore what her host body
knew to be old-style Chinese clothes, with his hair tied into a pigtail.

"Do you wish to fight Ashura, little one?"

("No.")

"All right, you big

(*Smoosh*)

JERK!"

(Okay, a jerk is someone who comes up behind you and pushes you face-first 
into the mud.  She
destroyed the military.  This warrants stronger langauge.  Or total, 
bald-faced fear.)

the boy said, his tone trying to hide the
fear that was obvious in his aspect. "I, Ranma Saotome of the Saotome
School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, challenge you!!"

"Then DIE!" Ashura lobbed a fire blast toward the boy.

***

Lili leaped. Her legs, the legs of the magnificently-toned body that she
was an involuntary guest in, propelled her away with incredible velocity
toward the next building as the demon's blast struck the place where
she had just been.

(Okay, the military trains people to RUN ALL DAY, and exercise...and they 
have VEHICLES.
Why can she dodge and they just stand there and take hellfire head on.  Oh, 
wait, let me take my
helmet off and you can aim right HERE, okay?  I hope a chunk of exploding 
building falls and
cracks open his/her/fuck skull.)

It was a desperate plan. If Ranma was the only one capable of defeating
this demon, and he could not be brought back, then Lili would have to be
him.

(BRILLIANT!  Now apologize to the demon and ask if you can go home and 
sleep.)

She was in his body, hot water having transformed it back to his
gender. She had listened to his friends tell of him; so that she had
some idea of how to act like him, if only she could manage it.

(Because it wasn't enough that she use his muscle to escape raining fire, 
she had to have his
personality as well, to further confuse and render immobile the demon.)

Ashura moved and threw another fiery bolt. Lili leapt again, her legs
moving before she was even consciously aware of it. She was operating on
instinct. However much of Ranma Saotome had been lost, there was still
some underlying subconscious part of him left. It was what allowed Lili
to speak Japanese. It was also a basic instinct that would, if not help
her fight, at least hopefully allow her to survive long enough to do
what she had to do.

"You are swift, frightened one," the demon said in its eerily
synchronized triple voice. "Perhaps you will be what they call 'fast
food' for Ashura?"

(Hahaha period.)

Lili was frozen with fear for a moment, gripped by the icy fingers of
the demon's words. Ashura was right; she *was* frightened. It was so
foolish of her to think she could be Ranma just because she wore his
form. She found her legs and bolted away, not waiting for Ashura to fire
again, desperately leaping and running to get away as fast as she could.

(You know, if she wins, what's the bloody point of the military?  Cannon 
fodder?  "Sir, let's tire
the demon by making it kill us!" "Brilliant tactic, Jeeves!  Tally-ho!"  And 
they fought in
assurance that the Japanese had someone to take care of things afterward.  
All I know is if I could
beat a demon that took out the military, I'd be running the country.  And 
the world, for that
matter, and this story would not have been written or, having BEEN written, 
the author would
die.  What would he do, stop me?)

***

On the waterfront, not far away, Nabiki could see boy and demon heading
rapidly towards her location. She looked at the assembled group. Oddly
enough, Tofu wasn't freaking out in Kasumi's presence; rather, he just
gave a slight smile every time he looked at her. Maybe it was the
seriousness of the situation, Nabiki thought.

(You obviously mean th seriousness of the situation that he was completely 
ignoring by smiling to
Kasumi.  Either that, or the two of them were sharing some private, sick 
joke at Japan's expense.)

"Okay, gang. Time for the pre-fight pep talk. Ashura's going to be here
any minute. Remember that we've chosen this battleground for a reason.
Anyone who gets set on fire will be able to jump in the water to put it
out. What's more, if we can dunk Ashura in the water, her aura will heat
it up and she'll transform back into human form. No way she'll be able
to boil away a whole section of ocean. If that happens, get her out of
the water right away before it cools and changes her back.

(A. Her fire melted TANKS.  Human flesh is not quite so hard to melt.  Not 
at all.  B.  I don't
know how you intend on "dunking" Ashura...especially when she can FLY.  This 
isn't NBA Jam,
people.)

"Lili's leading Ashura here to us right now. When she gets here, hit
hard and fast. Hopefully that won't give Ashura time to utilize her
chief advantage, which is range. Range and power. Her two chief
advantages are range and power. And mobility. And stamina, and
resilience, and --"

(Okay, we've made it back to the demon [out of nowhere], but now...covered 
in fire, covered in
fire covered in fire, covered in fire.  Covered in fire.  Can't hit.  
Covered in fire.  Punching burns
hands off, melts body, covered in fire.  The unique super power of this cast 
is that they miss vital
elements such as these.)

Kasumi interrupted. "That's enough pep talk, Nabiki."

"Very well, then, the Blue Thunder shall be the first to strike!" With a
spirited yell, Tatewaki leapt into the air to intercept the flying
demon.

(Who wasn't there because A. it was still pursuing the FAR-OFF Lili, and B. 
Kuno is still in
Korea.  He just impaled a crossing guard.)

His bokken struck the shell of solidified flame that surrounded
Ashura.

(His bokken burst into flame, and he died.)

The shell wobbled a bit, but the blow seemed to cause no
appreciable effect other than to get the demon's attention. She laughed
as she turned toward the young kendoist. Her flame aura became a cone
that blasted outward, striking him, knocking him down the shoreline,
stunned.

(I can see the headlines now: DEMON'S FLAME AURA DESTROYS MILITARY, STUNS
KENDOIST.)

Lili leapt off of a building,

(She, too, died.  Shouldn't people like this be at Jusenkyo, falling into 
springs and cursing them?)

only to find that there was no adjoining
structure to land on. She traveled uncontrollably through the air,
screaming helplessly, until she was caught safely by Ukyo.

(Who was flying in a helicopter, conveniently near the place of doom.)

It was Ryoga's turn to attack.

(He said, "Go fish."  So I guess he's an actual contributing member now, not 
just, say, A PIG, LIKE HE WAS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY!!)

Without a sound, he jumped up to where
Ashura hovered. She restored her defense just in time. Ryoga landed on
top of her flaming bubble and struck with pulverizing force.

(...caught on fire, and died.  Fire.  Burn.  Painful?)

Kodachi watched from the sidelines, studying to discern her opponent's
techniques and limitations,

(It's a GOD, it's a freaking GOD!  Whatever limitations it has probably FAR 
surpass the entire
country's greatest assets, and it's probably omnipotent!  We're not sure.  
It hasn't been explored,
but maybe there will be a happy sideplot to tell us.)

using her stealth training to try to erase
any sense of her presence.

(To a demon.  It worked, however, and she vanished from the story.)

She knew that raw rage would not win the day
for her side.

(I don't know, it seems to work for the demon.  Maybe forlorn angst...)

Watching her brother's defeat had given her vital
understanding of the demon,

(She obviously saw a weakness when he caught on fire and died.  It makes 
perfect sense...ball of
fire becomes cone of fire...THERE'S THE WEAKNESS!)

which she intended to put to use.

She marveled at the disguise that made the pig-tailed girl look exactly
like Ranma. She would get the girl to teach her to conceal her own
identity in such a manner if they were to both survive the battle.
Surely it would be an immensely useful skill. Yet for all of the girl's
skill at disguise, she lacked ability as an actress; it was obvious by
her movements, her body language, that she was not truly Ranma.

(And the fact that she was not truly Ranma anyway, but who cares?  ONWARD, 
MY LEMMING
FRIENDS!)

Kodachi readied one of her razor hoops. She just had to wait for the
right moment.

(Yes, bullets were of no use on this battlefield.  Only fucking wacked-out 
assweapons like a razor
hoop could take care of this DEMON!  DEMON DEMON!)

Ryoga slammed his fist into Ashura's globe of solid fire

(WHAT THE HELLDAMN IS SOLID FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????)

a second time.
He could feel it begin to weaken. Ashura merely laughed, and continued
laughing as the sphere of energy around her focussed into a ball between
her and Ryoga. She prepared to blow the boy away...

... when Kodachi flung her razor hoop. Ashura turned at the last moment
as the hoop cut through one of her shoulders, neatly severing it and
sending the no longer attached arm tumbling lifelessly down to the
ground below. The trio of laughing voices turned to screams. The
unthinkable had happened. Someone had hurt her.

(It's a demon.  It can live in fire.  Demon demon.  It will have another 
arm.  Military failed.
Military failed.  Demon.)

The Black Rose laughed, imitating the sound of the demon from mere
moments ago. An enormous burst of energy from the creature struck her,
slamming her into the shore, head first. The hapless Ryoga was flung in
the opposite direction by the recoil, hitting the water and seemingly
vanishing. Kodachi felt the pain of a serious head injury. But she had
drawn first blood. She had succeeded where the others had failed. As her
world went black, she laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

(And died.  Okay, people, we've almost wiped out the entire cast.  Let's 
move things on here.)

The now five-armed Ashura flew to the now unconscious gymnast. Regrowing
a limb would require a great expenditure of time and energy. For
damaging her, this girl would have to pay.

(4800 yen, said Ashura to the prone form of the "Black Rose."  Receiving no 
answer, Ashura
incinerated her.)

"Oh no you don't!" Ukyo's combat spatula slammed into Ashura, knocking
her off balance before she could blast Kodachi. Ukyo had missed the
beginning of the fight, having gone over to save Lili. Now it was up to
her. She struck with her spatula again, hitting the demon's flaming
aura. Ashura was unprepared for the speed and strength of the attack,
and was flung towards the water.

(But all was well, because the spatula melted, right along with Ukyo.)

Ashura dipped deep into the power of her ki,

(Mmm...ki-dipped ice cream...)

using it to turn her
momentum by ninety degrees.

(What a stupid use for ki.  I'd rather make some ki lime pie or ki someone's 
car.)

She flew up and stopped, hovering, and let
off a wide-angle fire blast that engulfed Ukyo.



Meanwhile Doctor Tofu was examining Kodachi with Kasumi's assistance.
"It's serious, but it could be worse."

(He took a deep puff of whatever he was smoking and continued looking at 
her.  "I don't know,
Thor could have shoved a thunderbolt up her ass or something.  Gee, my hands 
are big...)

The plan was for Tofu's combat
abilities to be kept in reserve. His shiatsu techniques could only be
used at close range, and might not be effective at all against a demonic
creature like Ashura. He was more useful as a healer for the moment.
"She's out of the battle, but if we get her to a hospital before too
long she'll be all right. Anyway, she'll live."

"No," Ashura said. "She will die." Lili watched as the laughing demon's
aura began coalescing into a massive ball of fire. It would fry her
three friends!

(Well, it's definately a serious situation...but it could be worse!)

Time froze as realization struck the young girl in the young man's body.
The aura! Ashura needed to take down her flaming shield in order to
attack! She could be hit now! But there was no one left standing to hit
her. No one except... no! Lili had never hit anyone! Not EVER! She
COULDN'T!

(You think that someone so perpetually afraid of banditual molestation would 
learn some self-
defense techniques, but I guess not.  Anyway, I wouldn't mind.  I'd say to 
hell with the demon, go
home, watch Love Connection, drink soda and piss all day.  That's IT.)

The flaming ball was glowing with a blinding brightness. "Now, little
ones, time for you to feel Ashura's wrath!"

(It feels charmingly like melting into a puddle of goo.)

Lili slammed her fist into Ashura. It was a sloppy, half-hearted blow,
but it was backed by the strength of Ranma.

(Which makes a tank look like NOTHING.  The American military stood back and 
laughed while
preparing a giant hose that would spray the demon down and, if nothing else, 
send it skittering
across the road as it cursed and made a nice sauna for everyone else.)

The attack of the frightened
girl took Ashura by surprise. Her concentration interrupted, the
fireball exploded in her hands. Ashura and Lili took the force of the
blast, recoiling in opposite directions.

(Aren't demons...like...resilient to effects in this dimension?  I mean, 
she's FLYING, and she's
spurting hellfire everywhere and she pays attention to RECOIL?  Why?  I 
don't know.  Oh, sure,
ignore gravity, but hell if inertia doesn't have its way with me!)

Lili was thrown out into the ocean and landed in the water, instantly
changing back into her normal body. She splashed about wildly,
desperately, crying for help. This had been how it all started. This
would be how it would all end.

For Lili had little experience at swimming...

(I assumed that.  She drowned once already.)

TO BE CONCLUDED! (Can you guess what's going to happen?)

(Well, everyone's been killed.  Every last one of them.  I think Ashura will 
get hungry and go to
her home on the moon and eat and forget all about earth like every other 
demon has, which is why
they aren't really seen too often.  I hate you.)



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