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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: atg1.txt
-- Desc: atg1.txt

(A long time ago there was a fanfic author that thought himself a god. 

Could no man match his AMAZING writing talent? He was so sure this was 

impossible...and others believed him! They believed, led like mice to the 

Pied Piper, that his works were brilliant, nay, among the best, and many 

considered him the best on certain mailing lists. We do this under moral 

obligation...the moral obligation to destroy the work that has built up this 

delusionary shrine he has for himself. This is the slow and painful tearing 

apart of a man's fanfiction life-work. Enjoy!)



PART ONE: LILI'S STORY

Feng Lili moved through the woods as quickly as she could, looking for

a road or anything else that would show her the way out of the

wilderness

(Like a clown selling oranges!)

in which she was lost.

Assumed because SHE WAS TRYING TO FIND HER WAY OUT!!!

The sky was darkening, and if she were

not out of this woods by then, she would be spending the night. That

thought terrified her. Alone here, her life expectancy was short.

(We must suppose she's going to die of starvation in one day. I mean, I can 

understand if she was lost in a blizzard, or maybe a typhoon, but these seem 

to be pretty generic woods.)

Her sixteen years of growing up as the daughter of a well-to-do merchant

(was she growing up as the daughter of someone else before?)

had given her little experience that would help her survive alone out here.

Lili wished this trip had not been necessary, but it had.

(OH MY GOD! Surprise us again, Kleppe!)

This was a time of great turmoil in China. Her father had been forced to 

pack up

his business and his family and move north to Xi'ning.

(Packed up his FAMILY!? "Honey, what are you doing?" Says he, "GET IN THE 

BOX!")

Happily Yang Wei,

(My last name is "HAPPILY!")

the man who worked for her father, had come with them. He was a handsome

man of noble bearing; Lili's fondest wish was to someday become his

wife. Unfortunately, Yang Wei didn't seem to notice her much. Probably

because of her unattractive scrawny body, she thought.

(Could it be true? Could he actually be out for someone with good looks? 

SAY IT ISN'T SO!)

To make up for that, she liked to make herself appealing by always dressing 

in fine

clothes. She had also become an expert in cooking and all the other

duties a good wife ought to be able to perform.

A gang of bandits attacked Lili's father's caravan,

(Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Kleppe, the GOD of transition!)

putting an end to her plans. She shuddered as she recalled how one of them 

chased her into

the woods. Having heard tell of the things bandits would do to a

captured young girl, she ran as fast and as far away as she could.

(They weren't even well-thought out bandits! They were generic bandits in 

generic woods attacking a generic caravan with a generic family!)

Unfortunately, she never found her way back to the caravan, or even the

road.

(PROBABLY because she ran AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS SHE COULD.)

The sky was almost dark. Lili wandered into what seemed to be a

clearing,

(ONLY to the UNTRAINED EYE was it a clearing, but in reality the tree 

density exactly the same!)

framed by mountains on the other sides. She could barely see

the moonlight reflecting off of something in the clearing. Water? A

lake? She went in for a closer look.

Lili heard a sound and turned. A pudgy bald man in peasant clothes was

standing next to her, close enough for her to smell his breath.

("HI EVERYBODY!")

"Why have you come here?" the man said. "This is a dangerous place. It

is very strange for you to be here."

("There's generic bandits EVERYWHERE!")

Was there mockery in the man's voice? Or was that just the imagination

of a frightened girl? Lili looked, trying to see what was so dangerous,

but it had abruptly turned dark. "I'm lost! Can you show me the way to

--" She turned back to the man, but he was gone without a trace.

(It is obvious that he was a vampire, and the abrupt darkness meant he had 

to go feed on innocent young maidens. She was not thus.)

Lili moved, trying to remember which way she had come, not wanting to

stay in such a place. She prayed to any gods that might be listening.

She wanted to get out of this place. She wanted to be clean, with clean

clothes, and not be a scrawny little kid anymore, and not need to be

afraid, and marry Yang Wei, and have him protect her forever, and live a

peaceful life far away from whatever horror there was here.

(She wanted a goat. She wanted a room at the Ritz, and a license to kill. 

She felt that she could not go on without a strong bottle of whiskey and 

someone to hug.)

A misstep in the darkness plunged Lili into water.

(Damn missteps...always plunging people all over the damn place!)

She fell, splashing

around under water,

(Did she not just plunge?! And now she's splashing around, playing effing 

kids' games! How do you splash UNDER WATER!!!?>??!!!!@#%%$@$)

desperately trying to hold her breath.

For her sixteen years of growing up as the daughter of a well-to-do

merchant had given her little experience at swimming...

(So she's sixteen, right? Hopefully, Kleppe has revealed this somewhere 

later on, because the suspense of knowing her age is too much to bear.I)

***

Fifteen centuries later in a place not too far away,

(So now she's 1516?)

the old woman

called Cologne carried a cat into her bathroom, setting it down in the

tub.

(Because that's what you ALWAYS do when you bring a cat into the bathroom. 

It seems normal to me.)

Its contented purring changed abruptly to angry hissing as it

noticed a kettle of steaming water that sat on the sink.

"Now, now, your elders know what's best for you." With incredible speed,

Cologne's hand struck a point on the cat's body, causing it to instantly

fall asleep. It was a pressure point technique, modified for the feline

anatomy;

(And here I thought the cat was just narcoleptic!)

something that Cologne frivolously referred to as shi-cat-su.

(Well, seeing how "cat" is an English word, and these people are quite 

obviously Chinese, and that the pun on "shikatsu" is for a JAPANESE word, 

I'm left to assume either a) she knows all three languages, b)she is insane, 

or c)Gary Kleppe is a fuck.)

She had developed the technique in case she ever again had to fight

Ranma under the influence of his neko-ken training.

(Why she modified the technique for the cat anatomy, we'll never know!)

That was not going to happen, not with the way things were turning out.

The hot water was poured over the unconscious cat, magically

transforming it into a very shapely young woman. Shampoo.

(Statement. Using. Noun.)

It had been

Cologne's stupid blunder that made her like this. Cologne had taken her

to Jusenkyo for retraining, heedless of the legend of the place, and

Shampoo fell into one of the pools. The spirit of a cat that had drowned

at the place fused with her. She became a cat, first in body but later

in mind as well. All because some foolish, stubborn old woman hadn't

bothered to find out the truth.

Your elders know what's best for you... how stupidly wrong that was.

That was not the first mistake Cologne had ever made. Still, she had

done a lot of good for her Amazon sisters over the years. It was a good

life, lasting as it did over a hundred years.

(I suppose even the SLIGHTEST elaboration on ANY of what the HELL was just 

written would be too much to ask? Oh, wait...I forgot who wrote the 

story...)

Cologne unscrewed the top from another container of liquid, a small

flask. This was half of the amount she had been able to get of the

magical water, the precious liquid that would allow her to atone for her

mistake. The other half was on its way to Japan, to a certain man whom

she had known in her youth. It was an offering, a final chance for him

to make something useful out of his life, which was due to be over soon

anyway; a way to be remembered for something noble instead of as just an

annoyance.

(And now he chooses to ruin the story with almost EVERY important element in 

ONE PARAGRAPH THAT HAS NO POINT IN THE CONTEXT!!! Nothing personal.)

The old woman poured the liquid over her great-granddaughter. The

cat-spirit became instantly visible in Cologne's mind's eye, outlined in

psychic fire.

(I guess she rolled a 2d10 on that one! What the hell?)

Her powerful spirit reached out toward the cat.

Here, kitty kitty...

(If I wasn't paralyzed by the flames, I'd be getting the fuck outta there!)

***

Lili awoke.

(At the tender age of 1516.)

She was distressed to see that the sun had already risen.

(After a whole millenia and a half had gone by, you know. I'd be pretty 

distressed about the sun rising, like it did EVERY OTHER DAY!!!)

She was still only half-conscious, feeling as if she had slept the

longest sleep in her life. She did not like to sleep too much. Getting

up early always helped her finish her assigned chores around her home

more quickly, which pleased her father.

(I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE DAUGHTER OF A FRIGGIN' WANDERING MERCHANT!!!!! WHAT 

HOME DOES SHE HAVE TO PERFOME ANY CHORE-LIKE DUTIES IN!!!?)

It became at once obvious to her, even in her half-asleep state, that

this was not her home. The room was in disarray, with clothes and

various other unrecognizable objects left randomly about.

She noticed her clothes. This wasn't something a girl like her could

wear! Then she noticed herself. There was no more thin and scrawny young

girl. She was strong, muscular, and full-chested.

(Adjective OF THE DAY HERE!!! 85 times out of one hundred, "full-chested" 

will come up in a random fanfic search!)

How? How long had she

been here?

(OOOH!! OOH! I KNOW THIS ONE! 1500 YEARS! 1500 YEARS!!!)

Lili thought back. The last thing she remembered was walking in the

dark. Water. She had fallen in water. Then there was a dream. A dream of

being someone else. She strained to remember, but could not; the dream

had disappeared. She thought that perhaps she had been kidnapped by

bandits and brought here,

(This would easily explain her changed body, since generic bandits are known 

to make a woman out of ANYBODY.)

wherever this was. Or perhaps she had simply

gone mad and been locked away here? Perhaps both?

(Ah, that's the only logical explanation. Captured AND locked away! Yeah!)

A muffled noise was heard. The sounds of someone breathing? Lili turned

to look. It came from some large object covered by a sheet next to where

she had been sleeping. Slowly, with trepidation, she lifted up the sheet

to see what it was.

She saw a panda.

She pulled the sheet back down over it, covering it completely, as if

that would mean that it wasn't there anymore. How? How could she have

been sleeping next to a dirty, smelly animal?

The girl moved from the bed and stood up, trying not to disturb the...

thing... under the covers. She had to try to get out of this place.

Clothes. She would need clothes. She searched for something suitable.

The closet was full of things a boy might wear. In the very back was a

dress. It would have to do. It was nothing like what she was used to,

but at least it somehow felt feminine.

(Okay, that last paragraph was a SICKENING DISPLAY. There are no two other 

combinations of adjective and noun to describe it. Yes, she's an effing 

girl, we know that. Grab the dress and move it, bitch!)

At least wearing it didn't make

her feel like she was wearing boy's clothes.

(Because she had that experience often, even while wearing girl's clothes 

sometimes!)

Underneath she still had on

what she had been sleeping in, but that couldn't be helped for now.

(Oh my god...this story should be renamed something like, Ranma 1/2: Behind 

Clothed Doors! Are we going to talk about her mental breakdown due to 

fashion all day, or is something going to happen!? She woke up, and there 

was a panda, and she went nuts trying to find girls clothes and she didn't 

LIKE the ones she found and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET!!!)

Cautiously, Lili made her way downstairs. She didn't know who or what

might try to stop her from escaping. Hopefully she could slip by without

them noticing her.

A woman waiting at the bottom of the stairs had noticed Lili. The woman

smiled warmly. She spoke words that Lili was unfamiliar with, but,

strangely, Lili began to comprehend the speech.

(Because otherwise this story would come to a SCREECHING halt.)

The woman was telling

her that she was late, that she was supposed to be somewhere, handing

her some sort of container and pointing her out a door.

(So..Lili was supposed to BE SOMEWHERE, and though she could understand for 

some inexplicable reason she couldn't figure out WHAT THE NAME OF THE PLACE 

WAS AND HAD NO MEMORY OF ANYTHING, SAVE FOR A LANGUAGE SHE NEVER KNEW 

BEFORE, and--according to the wording of this sentence--she should be 

handing the speaker some sort of container and pointing said speaker out the 

door? OH SHIT! OUT MY EYE I JUST GOUGED!!)

Lili went out the door. She had understood a good part of the words, but

had no idea what they referred to. Perhaps, she thought, she was still

insane.

(How can you think you are insane? HOW? I mean, if you WERE, I'm sure you 

wouldn't CARE to notice! And what does she mean STILL? Something from her 

childhood we're not told here, then?)

***

Elsewhere, a young man walked through a crowded shopping center. He had

come so that he could be among people. He didn't generally like people

all that much, but the urges that had recently started within him

threatened to overpower his mind when he was alone. His intelligence was

something he valued strongly. He had to try to save it.

(So he immediately stopped reading the Gary Kleppe fanfic he held in his 

hands. Yet even now he could not grasp why Kleppe had decided to cut off 

RIGHT when something was about to happen with Lili! And are we to assume 

that EVERYONE THAT READS THIS IS FAMILIAR WITH EVERY CHARACTER IN RANMA? I 

mean, sure, lots o' people are, but that's no excuse for laziness:

"Oh, look! It's Ryoga!" No following description whatsoever, and 

references to him being lost, divers alarums.

What?)

Of course, people had never done much for him. His whole life had been a

disaster from day one. He thought of the old man, and the urges grew

stronger.

(What in the bloody BLUE HELL OF AN AFTERBIRTH OF A LESBIAN CLUSTER-FUCK IS 

THIS ABOUT!?)

One word.

(Now that's two, sonny.)

The old man had completely and utterly ruined his

life with one carelessly-chosen word.

(Dipthong.)

Yes, everything was the old man's fault. He could give in to the chaotic

urges and start destroying everything.

(I need a damn nap...and a few predicates here and there so that SOMETHING 

in this god-forsaken narrative makes sense!)





People would run screaming,

people who never did anything for him anyway, they would run in terror,

and the old man would look at everything and realize whose fault it all

was...

The young man jumped into the shopping mall's decorative fountain. The

urges were too strong to resist. He rose, transformed into a

multi-tentacled minotaur-like creature. At that moment Pantyhose Taro

was no more.

(Ah...so multiple animal instincts= bloodthirsty monster! Gotcha. Go on 

with your cute little story.)

The crowd ran from the creature, screaming.

(As could have been expected. I mean, come on! It's not every day you see 

a multi-tentacled, minotaur-LIKE creature. I quickly hid behind the one 

place the beast would never dare go: Gary Kleppes fanfic page.)

***

(Oh, and fuck these astericks. Just for the record.)

This was the strangest place that Lili had ever been in.

(Except for the seemingly-clearing and the whole falling in the water dying, 

and the guy who disappeared thing and all. That was pretty strange, too. 

Japan, as a nation, still takes second place to this.)

The first thing she had noticed was the cars. People rode inside metal

creatures,

(She KNOW'S they're called cars, and she still chooses to see them as metal 

creatures? I'd be like: "HOLY SHIT! THEY'RE EATING EVERYONE!@#$%@)

or perhaps magically-propelled carts, to get where they were

going.

Then she had found the shopping place.

(I wonder if this generic shopping place is where the generic bandits hide 

out...?)

An incredible selection of goods

was available, including many things that Lili did not understand at

all.

(Like the Rubic's Cube, and the SPOON. She couldn't even BEGIN to fathom 

the George Foreman Grill! I feel like I'm in an infomercial...)

She purchased a set of underwear that felt properly feminine to

her,

(So you wake up in a room with a panda bear, suddenly able to speak a 

language the origins of which are completely unknown to you, take a dress 

and steal mon"ies", and you're worried about proper UNDERWEAR!? WHAT THE 

HELLFUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!???!!!! I'm so going to kill you...oh, you 

don't even know...)

using some monies that she had found in the room where she had been

sleeping. Everyone in this strange land seemed to have money to buy

things. There was no peasant class -- or perhaps all of the peasants

were kept somewhere out of sight.

(Nah, they'd be the one's doing work...OH MY GOD, THEY'RE ALL OVER, AND THEY 

HAVE MONEY AND WALK FREELY ABOUT!!!)

Lili spent hours just walking, looking for anything familiar.

(She saw a tree, and felt familiar enough with that. A typical woman, 

waking up in god-knows-where and going shopping...)

She

desperately wanted to find her way home, or at least back to any place

that she knew. At least, she thought, she did not need to worry about

being molested by bandits here.

(Yes, that's the true focus of this story...banditual-molestation.)

Surely such a thing would not happen

amidst so many people.

(It's a damn good thing she didn't wake up in East Jersey! "Look mom! 

Street crime!")

Without warning, something jumped out from behind a bush, attaching

itself firmly to Lili's chest.

(It better not be a bandit!)

It was an old, very diminutive man. "Hi there, sweetie!" he said in the

strange language of this place as he fondled Lili's breasts.

"Eeeeeeeee!!!!!" Lili screamed an uncontrollable, hysterical wail.

(Oh..she WAS insane...See, proper Chinese inflection for a scream of that 

caliber would be "EEEEeeeeEeeeeEEEEEEeeEEE!!!")

She fell to her knees, crying, the old man still attached.

(Well, s'what you get for buying velcro clothes, you dipshit!)

This was

simply too much, she could not deal with any more. She wanted to go

home. She wanted her father, or Yang Wei, to come and rescue her, take

her from this mad, insane place. But deep down she knew that wouldn't

happen. She was damned to here for an eternity, and would never see

anyone she knew again.

(More immediately, however, she wanted this foot-tall melon-head to quit 

groping her chest.)

A hand grabbed the old man by his garment, pulling him away from the

girl.

(He was then promptly arrested and never heard from again. Unbeknownst to 

most viewers of anime, Japan has cops.)

"I shall not allow you to terrorize innocent women, not while I

stand," a new voice said. Lili could not stop crying.

(And, apparently, they have Batman as well...)

"It's just a bit of fun," the old man said innocently. "A training

exercise. C'mon and catch me, Ranma!"

Happosai paused. Something was obviously wrong with Ranma. He should

have been enraged, should have been chasing the old man trying to make

him regret what he did. Instead Happosai's victim seemed on the verge of

a complete breakdown.

(He's suddenly sympathetic?)

Before him was not a martial artist, rather a

young girl with terror in her eyes.

(Awesome. Just awesome. PSYCHE! *Ranma kills Happousai, the end*)

This wasn't fun anymore. There was a serious problem here, one that the

old lecher did not want to involve himself in. He bounded off in search

of other pursuits.

(Yes, he bounced happily away in search of other purbreasts.)

Someone else would figure out what was wrong with

Ranma.

"Are you all right, my love?" Lili's rescuer asked.

She slowly looked up, trying to believe that it would be all right now.

The man wore robes and carried a wooden sword.

"Fear not, no harm shall come to you. You are under the protection of

the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!"

(And, just as suddenly as she knew how to speak Japanese, we all know who 

the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High is!)

Lili looked up further, finally able to see the man's face. It was him.

It was Yang Wei.

(Oh, fuck. Now the whole damn STORY is generic!)

Or at least it looked like him. "Are you really Yang Wei?" she asked in

Chinese, a glimmer of hope in her soul. The man obviously did not

understand, and she repeated the question in the strange new language

that she somehow knew.

"Ah, but the encounter with the vile lecher has left you stunned, for

you could not forget that I am Tatewaki Kuno, your most humble and

faithful admirer. To you, pig-tailed girl, am I devoted with a love that

I could feel for no other."

(Then she killed him for his horrible attempt at romantic language. No, 

really! It wasn't the author's fault! He's supposed to...oh, hell! Kleppe 

just sucks, okay?)

Tatewaki and Lili then noticed that they were being stared at, by a

short-haired girl with an angry expression.

(And thus they got on with their lives, leaving each other to their own 

pursuits. Er...ones that did not involve breasts..well, in most cases...)

***

It had not been a good day for Akane Tendo.

(Oh yeah? Try reading this story!)

It was the day of her Trigonometry exam. Ranma had agreed to study with

her the night before. Instead, all he did was babble gibberish at her

all evening long. Then he fell asleep, and Akane's dad had to carry him

up to his room. In the morning he didn't even get up out of bed for his

exam. Akane waited for him to get up, and finally had to leave without

him. Even so, she was late and the Principal made her scrub out all the

toilets in the first floor ladies' room before her exam.

(Where was this when I was in high school? Heck, nowadays, the teacher gets 

angry and the student SHOOTS them!)

On her way home from school, Akane spotted Ranma talking to Kuno. He was

in his girl form, as he had been all of last night since she had angrily

splashed him the afternoon before. He wore a dress, the same one he had

worn as "Ryoga's fiancee". What scam was he trying to pull with Kuno

here?

(Ah, futile, futile allusion!)

Akane glared at Ranma and Kuno, clearing her throat to get their

attention. "Ranma! What are you doing here?!?"

(I was asking myself the same question...)

Ranma backed away towards Kuno, as if expecting the kendoist to protect

him. "You must be mistaken," he said timidly. "My name is Feng Lili. I

am..."

"You could've at least gotten a decent disguise this time. Did you

honestly think you'd fool anybody with this act? Is there anybody who

could be stupid enough to fall for this?"

"Please calm yourself, Akane Tendo," Kuno said. "The pig-tailed girl is

obviously distraught. This does not lessen my passion for you! Be not

jealous!"

(BE NOT GET CHO ASS KICKED IF YOU BE STEPPIN' IN MY WAY, PUNK! I mean, you 

suck at writing. Forever.)

"JEALOUS??!?" Akane kicked Kuno away. Ranma looked at her with what

appeared to be fear in his eyes. Akane grabbed him by the arm and strode

forcefully toward home.

***

Police officer Usugurai wasn't worried.

(After all, the city was overrun with minataur-like creatures, perverted old 

men, school kids who fought and tried to kill/curse/have sex with each other 

on a daily basis, and people who turned into panda bears. It was on days 

like this he was glad he was a traffic cop.)

His sources all told him that the people who frequented the Tendo Dojo

redefined the word eccentric, but that they were top-notch fighters, and

always came through when there was a crisis. Which there was.

At least the sensei seemed to accept his story. It was the truth, but

even he had trouble believing that it wasn't just a dream or the plot

from a movie.

(And he had a badge. People agree with you when you can beat them with 

sticks when they do something wrong in front of you.)

"You've come to the right place," Soun Tendo reassured the policeman. "A

monster tearing up the suburbs, eh? We'll soon put a stop to that.

(We train our men JUST FOR this sort of thing! ER...so long as it's not 

some HUGE thing like Godzilla...)

We

happen to have one of the finest young martial artists in Japan here at

the dojo. If anyone can sort out this monster, he can."

(It's Jet Li! Wait...how do you SORT OUT a monster? Is he going to use 

full-contact NEGOTIATION?!)

Kasumi looked out the window. "Oh look! Akane and Ranma are home!"

(Her brain had already been wiped clean of the monster at hand.)

P-chan ran towards the door with an excited Bweeeee!!!

The two young people came in the door. One of them, the short-haired

girl, was forcibly dragging the other along. The girl with the pig-tail

was protesting frantically. "Let me go!"

"Officer Usugurai, please allow me to introduce my daughter Akane," Soun

said. "And this is Ranma Saotome, the young man who will be able to

defeat your monster. If he can't do it, no one can."

(Rah-rah-ree!)

"Er... 'young man'?" Usugurai did not need to use his police observation

training to discern that the person the sensei had pointed out was in

fact a young woman.

(His training as a butcher had clued him in on this one. He did not, 

however, care, as long as the man/woman would go and SORT OUT this monster 

for him, he didn't care if she stuck shards of metal in her eyes, which is 

what I would be doing know if this part of the story were not close to an 

end.)

Akane was paying no attention to her father at the moment. "All right,

Ranma. I've had enough of this! Just what is your problem??" Meanwhile,

P-chan jumped happily into her arms.

(P-chan is DESPERATELY trying to get a part in this story, but we will 

continue to ignore him until he can be part of a jumbled situation involving 

his lusts for Akane and involving Ranma being turned into a girl multiple 

times for no reason whatsoever.)

"Stop -- stop pushing me around!! I just --" The pig-tailed girl

struggled to speak, on the verge of tears. "I just can't deal with

violence!!"



(YES, YES! THIS STORY IS LIKE THE SLOW LETTING OF BLOOD!)

Now Usugurai was worried.

(And the moral? A) violence is wack, and will prey on the conscious of 

police officers everywhere, and B) Never count on a martial artist to sort 

out your monsters because they will turn into girls and say they hate 

violence.)



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