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Attack of the Gods, Part III




			     POOLS OF HORROR

			 A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
			     by Gary Kleppe


			PART THREE: THE GATHERING

(Heeeeere we are...born to be kings...)


There was once a girl called Rouge. A native of India, a shy, beautiful
girl, a Virgo with blood type A (fucking WOMP!!!); at least that was how she 
would
introduce herself.

(The big question here is...if she lives IN India, why does she introduce 
herself as a native of India, and why do we need to know her blood type?  
For transfusion purposes?  What's her RH factor?  I NEED TO KNOW!)

One day, Rouge fell into one of the cursed pools of Jusenkyo.

(She was wandering along in China for no reason, and decided that falling 
into a cursed pool would be a larf.  Why does Jusenkyo attract people with 
NO survival traits whatsoever?)

>From then
on, contact with cold water would turn her body into that of the
three-headed six-armed fire-wielding demon known as Ashura.

(Which somehow DROWNED IN A SPRING.)

Time passed. Something shifted, and the nature of the Jusenkyo curses
subsequently changed. The spirit of Ashura awoke, engulfing the young
Indian's mind. There was no longer a girl called Rouge. There was only
Ashura.

"Ashura has returned, little ones!"


The two policemen and the five representatives of the Tendo Dojo

(Because naming people is NEVER a good idea!)

watched
the flying demon intently,

(WHAT were they intent on?  GETTING HORRIBLY BURNED!?)

waiting to see what it would do.

(Let's assume it's harmless for now.  Like Godzilla.  But the moment it 
attacks, by golly...)

Pantyhose
Taro, in human form, handcuffed, and locked into the back seat of a
police car,

(naked)

could only look at Ashura and growl.

Ashura swiveled around in midair, surveying her surroundings. One of her
faces fixed its gaze on Pantyhose. "Ashura has come looking for you,
vulgar one. You once stole something from her during her sleep time.
Something that she no longer needs. Still, you deserve to be punished."

(I don't know what the hell she's talking about, and I DON'T WANT TO...but I 
have to know SOMETHING!! NOW!  WHAT'S YOUR DAMN RH FACTOR!!!?)

The face looked toward Soun Tendo and Police officer Usugurai, who were
standing next to the car. "Ashura suggests that you step back, little
ones."

(Gary Kleppe says Gary Kleppe is an asshole.)

The two men dove away from the vehicle. A column of fiery energy
came from the demon,

(So did the two men pre-meditate this fiery energy, which for the time we 
will assume is fire and not some fiery death-ray.)

consuming the helpless Taro.

A moment later the car's gas tank exploded.

(Arnold Schwarzenegger quickly leapt from a flaming motorcycle, saving the 
two policemen while pushing a burglar into the flames, but unfortunately 
King Kong attacked from nowhere and they were forced to get to the chopper.)


Ryoga quickly moved himself
to shield Akane as everyone was thrown back by the shock wave.
"Interesting," the demon said. "Ashura did not know that that would
happen."

(What with being a timeless demon and all, she probably paid little heed to 
technology.  Hmm..I wonder if she not only talks but SOUNDS like Elmo as 
well...)

A ball of light began forming around her, quickly increasing in
intensity, forcing everyone to shield their eyes. "Ashura wishes to
spend some time observing this modern world before she decides what to
do with it.

(We all saw what happened when demons acquired technology in DOOM.  One guy 
beat them all.)

Should any of you little ones wish to challenge her, she
will be at this location at noon tomorrow.

(Being in a story even BASED on a Japanese manga creates an intense craving 
for the immortal "challenge".  "I'll see you outside the Palace Saloon at 
high noon, pardner...")

Do be warned that Ashura is
not in the habit of showing mercy to her foes."

(Who are apparently you guys...I don't know why.)

She laughed as the
miniature sun around her flared even brighter, until it suddenly
dissipated, leaving Ashura nowhere to be seen.

(Soun:  Well, I know where not to be at noon.
Akane:  I'm going to the beach tomorrow.
Nabiki:  So, officer, how about that dinner tomorrow?
Officer:  I'm transferring somewhere else...like Australia, where the only 
thing I have to worry about is unexpected kangaroos.)

Nabiki was the first to stand. "I'm going to call Kasumi and have her
start calling for help. We're going to need everyone we can get on this
one."

(Kasumi was later seen screaming, running around the streets, shouting 
insanities and knocking on doors at random, telling everyone they needed to 
help in the battle against this weird demon thing.  She even called a few 
random numbers:  "Hello?  You don't know me, but I need your help to fight a 
demon...*click*  Hello?  Hello?")

***

Kodachi Kuno was practicing her gymnastics routines. She was bored.

(She was obviously completely oblivious to the monster/demon attacks 
currently taking place, which had already drawn the attention of two whole 
police officers!)

The
team from Makeru High School had had to forfeit the match against her
team that was to take place tomorrow, due to a sudden mysterious
outbreak of diarrhea among its members.  (Womp!) That left her with nothing
interesting to do.

Earlier she had gone to Furinkan to look for her beloved Ranma,

(Having nothing better to do with her time, what with playing no other part 
in the story than wanting a piece of Ranma.  She's like "I love Ranma," and 
they're like "Get in line.")

only to
find that he was not there. Not only that, but he had not been seen all
that day, and the day before he had left school early without
explanation. Something was evidently amiss with him, and the Black Rose

(Whom was a completely different person than Kodachi, and in fact was a 
superhero, who rode a motorcycle.)

would have to find out what.

One of Kodachi's clubs emitted a short, muffled ringing sound.

(What is she doing with CLUBS?  Is she a cavewoman?  Wait, no, 
seriously...what the hell just happened here?  I thought she was doing 
gymnastics?  What's her RH factor again?)

She
pressed a hidden stud on it, revealing it to be a concealed cellular
phone.

(Cellular phones break.  Why did she put it on a weapon? 
*clubclubclubRIIIIING*  "Hello?  Oh, I'm clubbing a bum to death outside my 
house right now, can I get back to you?  Well, I'm sort of beating him with 
the phone, you see...)

"Yes?" she said into it. "I see. What exactly is the situation?"

(So essentially, this woman who is currently talking into a big stick, just 
said "What exactly is the situation?"  Now all I want to know is this:  how 
horribly out of character will Gary Kleppe get before a black hole opens on 
my computer and sucks my damn eyeballs out, to reappear in California on 
someone's salad?)

Kodachi paused in her routine to listen to the caller's explanation.

"Very well, Kasumi Tendo. I, the Black Rose,

(You and your feeble misgivings...you have delusions of grandeur about being 
someone else...despite your reassuring use of third person...)

shall attend your little
gathering. I shall also speak to my brother. For now I bid you au
revoir." She put down the phone and leapt up the stairs.

(Kasumi Tendo just called Kodachi on a phone inside a club, asked her to 
help fight a demon, and Kodachi accepted.  I felt it was vital to point this 
out, merely to keep my own sanity.)

Kodachi's brother, Upperclassman Tatewaki Kuno,

(Derek once said, "What the hell is he going to be when he graduates?")

was sitting in his
study, reflecting on the events of the day. He had helped the Pig-Tailed
Girl as she had been menaced by the vile pervert Happosai. For the first
time, she did not put her boot in Tatewaki's face or throw him down the
street. For once she seemed grateful for his help, perhaps even
appreciative of his attentions.

(Funny, he never seemed to notice the outright rejections before...and now 
he chooses to reflect on things.  Let's kill him in a bloody dog-pile!)

The Upperclassman was certain that he had seen, for the first time, a
glimmer of the Pig-Tailed Girl's true self. Would she finally be able to
cast off whatever sinister control the vile Ranma Saotome had on her?

(Little did he suspect the evil, sinister, vile, malicious, cunning 
Ranma...It's Gary Kleppe's Adjective Fun Hour!)

She had finally used a name of her own, instead of calling herself Ranma
Saotome as she had always done in the past. Tatewaki couldn't remember
what it was, but she had used a different name. Obviously the malevolent
influence of Saotome was indeed beginning to fade.

(This anomaly was never noticed before.)

But what of Akane Tendo? She had seen the Pig-Tailed Girl's attraction
to him, and pulled her away. A most jealous reaction. Clearly Akane did
not want him dividing his affections between the two of them.

(This is the exact same way Gary Kleppe considers his stories as he writes 
them.  Only looking at them in a completely selfish manner, in that 
everything and anything he writes, not matter what the consequence, is 
somehow for the greater good.)

And was that not to be expected? Was not it reasonable for a woman in
love to resent having to share her man's devotion with another? Perhaps,
the Upperclassman thought, he was insane for expecting to be able to
have both of them. Was there ever any person anywhere more insane than a
man who could believe such a thing?

(Reason and insanity in the same paragraph, discussing the same subject!  
What is the true extent of Kleppe's talent?  Well, Kevin decided that he 
will now lay down and pray for death, so what does that tell us?  Yes, we 
once again run into that infamous insanity angle, which Kleppe INGENIOUSLY 
puts to use for any circumstance that the character probably would have 
thought out better if this wasn't fanfiction.)

"Brother, dear!" Kodachi opened her brother's door without knocking.

"Yes?"

"Kasumi Tendo just phoned. She requests that we join a fighting force
being assembled by the Tendos. They require help in dealing with a
six-armed flaming demon creature."

(At this time, Kuno decided that he was insane, and he left for Korea, for 
no reason whatsoever.  On the way out, he killed his sister.  Of this, no 
more need be told.)

"Inform her that the Blue Thunder pledges his full skill and resolve to
the cause. As long as there is life within me, I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall
fight on, until the evil is vanquished."

(Said he, after gutting his sister, and heading to Korea.)

"That's nice, brother. Be at the Tendo residence in two hours. In the
meantime, I leave you to continue meditating on your two lady loves."

"How did you know I was..."

"Why brother! What *else* would you be doing? OHOHOHOHOHO!!!"

(OH MY GOD GIVE ME A TWINKIE!  OHMYGODGIVEMEATWINKIE!  OMAGODGIMMEATWINKIE!  
It doesn't matter WHAT I type SCHNIGGIT anymore, because she just EXCLAIMED 
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOTWINKIE!!!!"  And nothing in the universe 
now matters.  There  could be a multitude of things happening with polar 
bears in my refriferator, and I wouldn't even care.  I would just grab the 
milk, pour it over my cereal, and hurl it at the next passing person on the 
sidewalk, and not even speak to them, because this world is hopeless and 
futile, and the cereal is unimportant, no matter how angry or livid this man 
becomes, even if it is a woman, and I just want to let you know that I died 
while writing this and the writing is being taken over by a small gnome that 
has possessed my body at my request to finish this, because it is now a 
matter of avenging me and oh my god, I, the gnome have also perished, so 
this will be furthered by Percy, the Electric Cat.  Twerk.)



Kodachi
closed her brother's door and bounded down the stairs, laughing all the
way.

(Damnit, it hurts...meow...)

Tatewaki frowned. Had his behavior become... predictable?

(Watch the series.  You tell me.)

No matter. He would have both of the objects of his affection. He had no
idea how it would happen,

(But he remained assured, that if Gary Kleppe could produce a work like 
this, truly ANYTHING was possible.)

how he could get them to agree to it, how he
could commit such an act of bigamy and still satisfy his honor.

(Because there is much honor in polygamy.  Ask any Arab, who cuts the hands 
and heads off any offending wife, even if she was the seventh, most 
important one.)

But he
knew that it would happen, simply because it was right and proper that
it should. He would have them both. It was only a matter of time.

(He looked around.  He was suddenly in Korea.)

***

Two hours later, the Tendo family had gathered together in their living
room, along with Lili-Ranma, Ukyo Kuonji, and the two Kuno siblings.

(Kuno was currently projecting his image via satellite, using the power of 
his total insanity.  He kept muttering, "They will be mine...oh yes, they 
will be mine.  I didn't end his quote with marks of the same name, but it 
doesn't matter, because this is a Gary Kleppe fanfic.)

"This is it, huh?" Ukyo said. "Where's Ryoga? You told me he was here,
and we could really use the big lug's help. Is he lost again or
something?"

(You may be noticing that this parody is no quite up to the humorous par 
that of its predecessors.  We do not attest this to our own lack of 
imagination, but simply to the fact that NOTHING has happened.  There was a 
demon, and it said, "Blah, I will be here at noon, JUST IN CASE you want to 
fight me."  Whereupon, numerous calls to cell-phone clubs were made, so that 
everyone could gather together and DISCUSS actually fighting the demon, 
rather than leave it be, call a priest, ask the police for help, summon the 
national guard, or any other totally logical path of action.  We have taken 
it upon ourselves to write to Joe Yabuki to come hither and KO everyone in 
this story AND Gary Kleppe to make up for the lack of humor in this section. 
  We SEVERELY apologize, and hope only that this story has not breached the 
security of powerful nations, so that it is not used as a weapon of mass 
destruction.  Good god, imagine what this story could do in the wrong 
hands.)

The truth was that P-chan had gone back to pig form as soon as the group
had gotten home, and was resting on Akane's lap.

(Nobody cared, noticed, or was mildly amused at the fact that Ryoga was 
nowhere to be found after he'd helped fight a DEMON.  Remember...DEMON.)

When the time for the
fight came, he would be there, but for now he wanted to spend as much
time as he could in the body that was comfortable to him;

(Because his pig form was self-conscious of the body it was in...up until 
the point where he found himself rooting in his own feces.)

especially
since he knew that he might not survive the battle.

(And like ALL the animals that drowned in Jusenkyou, this pig had no 
survival instinct.  I rest my case.  Any NORMAL pig would not go near that 
fucking demon.)

"I'm sure Ryoga will turn up tomorrow," Kasumi said.

(Sure.  They ALL bought that one...)

"He's always there
when we really need him. I also called Doctor Tofu. He can't be here
right now because of his patients, but he'll be with us for the battle
as well."

(Yes, his Ph.D. will be a primary weapon in the outcome of this battle.)

"That still leaves us with a pretty small fighting force,"

(Wait...What?  NO!  No, you don't even know!  You see, because...no, it 
can't work...you have two cops, a DOCTOR, three martial artists, on gymnast, 
four half-wit martial artists, and a pig.  What fierce battle did you intend 
on waging against a DEMON.  A FIERY DEMON.  What the hell is wrong with you 
people!?  YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!!  Go drown in Jusenkyo, like all the other 
selfless creatures!!!)

Akane said.
"We're going up against Rouge. She was powerful enough to beat Pantyhose
in his monster form. She might be the most powerful opponent any of us
has ever faced. It couldn't get much worse than this."

(Yeah, maybe...because being huge, six-armed, and on fire does not belay any 
indication of power at all.  Yeah, it's all just mind tricks...)

"I hate to be the one to say so," Nabiki said, "but it *is* worse than
that. You're not fighting Rouge, a girl who has Ashura's body and has
learned a few tricks that she can do with it. You're fighting Ashura
herself. You're going to be fighting a demon, maybe even a goddess, who
knows exactly what she can do and is fully experienced in using her
powers."

(Demon?  Goddess?  YES!  BECAUSE THEY'RE THE SAME THING!  Gary Kleppe has 
proven that he does not know what he's talking about.  He didn't even want 
to look in a dictionary to see which is which, or what the hell this goddess 
was to begin with.  I want to stab him.)

Tatewaki raised his bokken

(Bokken!?  There's that wacky terminology again!  Good thing that EVERYONE 
knows what a bokken is!  Otherwise we'd all be SCREWED!)

defiantly. "Though our numbers be few and the
peril dire, fight we must and fight we will;

(Isn't this a Blind Guardian song?)

for our cause is noble and
right, and we will win because we are right."

(Let me just turn the record loop off for a minute.  Gary Kleppe cannot 
write.  I don't think I've said it that bluntly yet, but there it is.  And 
it is there.  He is wrong, and he will lose because he are wrong.)

Nabiki tried to think of a witty remark to add to Kuno-chan's speech,

(But was beaten by Rudy and Justin.  She decided to keep quiet, realizing 
that she should not be focusing on the witty remarks she can make, but 
rather at the demon-like problems at hand.  That, and she was confused by 
the sudden and decisive use of "chan" after Kuno's name, for the first--and 
hopefully last--time in this fanfic.)

then decided to keep quiet. A little mindless optimism might not be a
bad thing at the moment, considering how they seemed to be up the
proverbial creek without a paddle.

(How about some mindless cliches while we're at it?  I mean, we're fighting 
a demon here...why not just be mindless about it?  Yes, let's tackle this 
one bird at a time!)

He was certainly a better cheerleader
than she could be right now.

(Rah rah rah!  Burn them all!)

"If Ran-chan[womp] were here, he could find a way to beat this demon thing. 
I
don't know how, but he could." Ukyo saw the sorrow in Akane's eyes. "Oh,
damn, I'm sorry, everyone, I didn't mean to remind us. I think I'll go
bash myself upside the head with my spatula now."

(So the fighting force was reduced one member.  Yay.)

"Where *is* Ranma?" asked Kodachi. "I for one

(And one for I!)

have not been told, and I
would like to know."

"I'm afraid Ranma is... not well." Kasumi thought back to a time when
she had had to explain to a very emotional six-year old sister that they
wouldn't ever be able to see their mother anymore.

(Run-on sentence KING!)

It didn't hurt any
less now.

(Yeah, let's go off on a frickin' tangent about her dead mother now.  Why 
the hell not?  Because there's a DEMON on the loose!  Come on, people, 
focus!)

"It... it looks like he might not be coming back at all. I'm
sorry."

(If only we could replace him with Gary Kleppe.  No sorrow spared.)

Lili watched with a feeling of helplessness.

(The original focus character returns with a bang!  Don't forget, she's 1516 
years old, now.  RH factor, unknown.)

As usual. There was nothing
she could do to help, no way for her to help against the fire-demon or
to bring back this Ranma whose body she now possessed. Still she felt as
if she should be blamed for the whole situation.

(Why, if not for her DROWNING, this demon would never be here!)

This was the oddest-looking group of people she'd ever seen gathered in
one place; Lili was fairly certain that she would have thought this even
without the cultural differences

(She's ancient Chinese.  The very IDEA of cultural difference is taboo!  
This whole sentence is Taro's mind in a nutshell.  As Usual.  Because "as 
usual" is a sentence in its own right.  It's only missing a subject and a 
verb!)

between this new world and her home.
The girl Ukyo carried items that were more like cooking utensils than
weaponry. Her manner seemed to vary continuously; she would be as rough
as a boy one moment and properly ladylike the next.

The man, Tatewaki Kuno, reminded Lili so much of Yang Wei, her love
interest

(Look!  Gary Kleppe thinks his story is so far beyond us that he has to 
SPELL OUT the plot development!)

from so long ago. But she also saw in him something akin to
herself. Like her, he seemed to be someone who was trying to do what was
right,

(Get women in the sack.  Two at once.)

but whose sensibilities were geared towards another time, another
culture.

Tatewaki's sister, the girl called Kodachi, frightened Lili, as so many
things she'd seen since waking did. The insane-sounding way Kodachi had
laughed earlier, the way she casually walked around in what appeared to
be her underwear,

(What is this pseudo-underwear she speaks of?  It appeared to be underwear, 
but in reality, she was covered like a freakin' eskimo!)

made it seem as if she were not afraid of anything.
What were the objects she carried? One of them was circular, about an
arm's length in diameter. Lili took a closer look.

(Kodachi:  "Back away from me, you silly bitch!  Quit staring at my cell 
phone!)

"Be careful, pig-tailed girl. This is one of my razor hoops. If you grip
it anywhere other than in the right place, it will cut your fingers
off."

("I noticed.  Would pick them up off the floor please.  You obviously don't 
know the right place yourself.")

Lili recoiled back into her chair.

(*boing!*)

Then she wondered if it could cut her
heart out, or perhaps slice all the way through her neck.

(Well, it was only a razor...but it appeared it would take a hands-on test 
to tell.  She did it. The end.)

She wouldn't
have to live anymore in this place that wasn't hers, where her very
presence brought pain and disaster. Just slice the razor hoop through
her neck, that's all it would take.

(Yes, the survival instinct that led her to drown in a spring kicks in once 
more!)

Except that it wasn't really hers. It wasn't her body. If she died, what
would that do to Ranma?

(Damn!  I'm amoral enough to take my own life, but I'm worried about this 
guy's body!  Oh, woe is me.  I'd lie my head down on a railroad track, but 
it's not mine...*Percy the Electric Cat dies...Enter Bob Nibbly, the 
Scrumptious Harbinger.*)

Wouldn't that ruin any possibility of getting
him back?

(No, but he'd need a new head.)

Anyway, it wouldn't do anyone any good.

(Yeah, I think the last thing anyone's expecting right now is for her to 
lunge across the table and slice off her own head.)

She may or may not
have caused the situation they were in, but now all she could do was
stay and wait for her chance to do something to help.

(Killing yourself would be helpful.  The whole story would come to a 
screeching halt.  Diediedie.  Diediediediedie.  Please die now.)

"Good heavens!"

(Holy Oracle of Testosterone, Batman!  This story blows great, big 
bat-chunks!)

Kasumi exclaimed. "I forgot about Mr. Saotome! He'll
want to help us, I'm sure!"

(No, he's reverted to that suicidal Panda and is currently trying to drown 
himself in the bathroom sink.)

She went upstairs, quickly followed by the
others.

Nabiki found herself the last one left in the living room. She was about
to follow the others when her attention was diverted by a persistent
knocking on the front door.

***

A familiar panda was sitting in the Saotomes' bedroom. Everyone noticed
an overpowering stench in the room. "Geez!" Ukyo said. "This room smells
like someone took a --" She paused, searching for a more polite way to
express what she wanted to say.

"That's because someone did."

(Oh boy!  The feces scene!  Quick P-chan!  Root!  Root!  Root like you've 
never rote before!)

With several paper towels, Kasumi
proceeded to pick up a mass of what had to be panda droppings from a
spot next to where Genma was sitting.

(No!  HE'S A PANDA!  PAPER TOWELS WILL NOT SUFFICE BY THE ROLLS!)

"Oh dear. Oh dear. Mr. Saotome's
become a panda."*DamnbloodyWOMP!*

(Oh fucking GEEZ, I have to kill a man!  This sentence warrants a death..any 
death!  It could be some bum crossing the street, but I have to shove a 
stick of dynamite in his left nostril and watch his eyeball and brains 
splatter against the neighbor's dog!)

"You mean... SAOTOME!! My best friend!" Soun held the panda and sobbed
uncontrollably.

(He was torn to shreds instantly by the ferocity of the clawing panda as it 
broke through the crowd and plunged its head into the toilet.)

The panda merely grunted, not understanding the reason for all of the
excitement. He only hoped that someone would bring him some food soon.

It's true, Akane thought. It's really true.

(She said it with a very thoughtful look on her face, and a can of Budweiser 
in her left hand.)

Up until then, she had still believed that the whole thing might have
been some elaborate hoax.

(Yeah, that fiery hellbeast bent on killing them all was all part of this 
scheme to bring Ranma to his knees in front of her Chinese daughter who 
thinks she's a cat.  Wait...Has Gary Kleppe completely forgotten about the 
demon?  Has anything been mentioned in the past...OHMYGOD!!!  *Jumps out 
window*)

Some plot by Cologne to try to force Ranma
into going off to China with Shampoo. No, she thought, Ranma is dead. He
was doomed the moment he fell into that damned cursed pool.

Why was it so much easier now to feel for him?

(Oh no!  Here comes the "moment"!)

When she and Ranma had
been together, they spent most of their time trying to push each other
away. Now he was gone, and she felt that if she could have him back,
she'd marry him in an instant, and they'd love each other forever.

(We don't have to stay in character.  We don't even have to keep the general 
atmosphere of the storyline.  All we have to do is throw in demons, fight 
scenes, lots of "love interest" and kill Gary Kleppe, so none of it is ever 
written down.)

How much easier it was to love a dead man.

(As Akane contemplated necrophilia...)

A dead man wouldn't be
unfaithful, wouldn't call her an uncute macho sexless tomboy when she
wanted a tender moment, wouldn't give her any of the trouble that two
real people trying to share a life together would always give each
other.

(So what's she complaining for?  Crack open another Bud!  True!  True!)

If she could bring Ranma back, would this experience of having
lost him make her appreciate him the way she did now? Would the same be
true the other way around? Or would they be back to the same old
fighting?

(Ranma's not thinking about this right now.  He's goooone.)

Uncute macho sexless tomboy. Akane wanted so much for someone to call
her that right now.

(DEMON.  DEMON DEMON.  DEMON, DEMON DEMON, DEMON DEMON...DEMON.  DEMON.  
DEMON.  DEMON DEMON DEMON...DEMON...DEMON DEMON.)

***

(The astericks have come up, and there was no mention of the demon at all.  
Isn't that what they all got together for? What were they doing while 
everyone was contemplating their lost loves?  Just sitting there, twiddling 
their thumbs, staring sidelong at each other and wondering where it was safe 
to grab those razor hoops?)

"I'm sorry," Nabiki said, looking quizzically at the stranger on her
doorstep. The woman appeared to be in her twenties, with a slim,
well-toned form. She was wearing clothes similar to Shampoo's battle
dress.  "We didn't order any cologne."

"No," the woman said in heavily accented Japanese. Her name was Ti Pi.

(Oh, my, it's a big pun!  A big pun of puns!  Pun, pun, punly pun!)

"I have *express letter* [womp] for you from someone *name* Cologne." 
Working
for Amazon Express was never easy, especially considering the guarantee
that a late delivery gave the recipient the right to marry the delivery
girl. That would have been a particularly horrifying fate with the
customer whom Ti Pi had delivered to before this one.

(Is it me, or is this character a mere excuse for toilet humor in the story. 
  Her whole family probably hates her, and gave her that name, and then sent 
her off to get married to some fat guy she delivers comics to.  However, she 
was whisked away by the need for her in this story by Gary Kleppe.)

"Oh, duh,

(Colloquial Japanese.)

of course, you'll have to forgive me. It's been a really bad
day,"

(Yes.  Yes, I'd say so.  No...No, wait...yes.  Yeah.  It was just a headache 
beyond the people being possessed, and the Taro monster terrorizing a MALL.  
Then there was the demon...but after Genma defecated on the floor...yeah, I 
think that's where it became a bad day.)

Nabiki signed the receipt form and took the letter, convinced that
she had just won the Understatement of All Time Competition.

(Except that this was even MORE of an understatement.)

Ti Pi
bounded off gratefully as Nabiki examined the letter.

"Well, well..." she said to herself. Maybe here was the proverbial
paddle.

(For the creek?  For the creek, right?  For the creek before the seventeen 
side-plots, right?  Yes, yes, yes!  This must be it!  Had she been WAITING 
THIS WHOLE TIME just to drag on a crap metaphor?)

She walked upstairs. Everyone else was there, just standing,

(So THAT'S what these characters are doing when other things are going on!  
They're just standing!  We have to keep everyone in the scope of the story, 
otherwise they get lazy!  They won't do anything unless you see it.  EVER.)

as if at a
loss for what to say or do.

(What with a pile of panda crap on the floor and all.)

"I'm sorry, people," Nabiki said, "but there
needs to be an emergency Tendo family meeting. Right now. Would the rest
of you please excuse us?"

(Why did you call everyone again?)

"Very well. Let the rest of us go into the dojo and spar," Kodachi said.

(Yes, of course!  Not to mention it's long past noon now, and the demon's 
destroying Japan.)

"Good idea,"
Ukyo said. "I have a serious need to work off some
tension."

(What tension!?  You haven't DONE anything!)

Tatewaki balked. "I should fight with women?"

(That's not what they're for!)

"Ashura is a female, brother dear. Did you not plan to fight her
tomorrow? Come along. You also, pig-tailed girl."

(No, he's in Korea...That's just a holographic image, and it's only 
coincidence that what he says is in context with everyone else.  Yes...that 
sounds about right for a Gary Kleppe story.)

"No, I can't. I..."

"It's all right," Nabiki said. "Ran -- Lili, you come with us instead.
This concerns you, too."

(So let's just beat up this girl and have one less member in our AMAZING 
fighting force.  I'm glad to see we mentioned the demon and...*click, whir*  
I'd like to interrupt to point out again that NOTHING has happened yet.  We 
are almost to the end of this fanfiction.  The ONLY thing that has taken 
place was some mild panda defecation.  That's IT.)

Akane whispered to Kodachi, "She's not a fighter. She's a Chinese girl
from the fifth century..."

"You need not explain such things to me, Akane Tendo. Come, Ukyo. Come,
brother." Kodachi understood. She knew full well the terrible emotions
that came from losing a loved one. This girl had been in love with
Ranma. Obviously the knowledge of his death, or whatever horrible fate
was now his, perhaps coupled with some guilt of hers in the matter, had
driven the pig-tailed girl insane.

(Of course!  That's it!  Wait, what?)

Kodachi knew that she would have to make the girl pay

(Demon.  Kill the demon first.  I don't care if you kill EVERYONE ELSE once 
the demon is dead.  In fact, I'd prefer it.  Start with the author, if you 
have to.  But KILL THE FUCKING DEMON SO THIS STORY CAN END, FOR THE LOVE OF 
GOD!!!!)

if it turned out
that she had had anything to do with the death of Ranma, no matter what
her mental state. Clearly now was not the time for that, though. This
demon called Ashura was a threat to them all, and Kodachi would not be
any safer than anyone else until it was destroyed. Kodachi had been
called insane by many, but one thing she was definitely not was stupid.

(Well, she was LESS stupid.  She hadn't forgotten the demon, like everyone 
else.)

"Very well," Tatewaki said, as the three headed down the stairs, toward
the combat area. "I have not had the pleasure of making your
acquaintance before, Ukyo Kuonji. It is an honor. One of the students at
my school in the class beneath mine is, I believe, your brother."

(Har har.  Tra-la-la, tra-la-la, tra-la-la, I just gouged my eyes out at 
this obscure reference.)

Shortly, the Tendos and Lili were assembled in the living room. "Okay,"
Soun said. "Now what is it, Nabiki?"

(Well, we're RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED!!!!)

"It's nothing definite, but I just found out that there *might* be a way
to help Ranma."

(God forbid!)

Everyone's eyes lit up,

("THE HELL YOU WILL!" And they killed her.)

with various cries along the lines of "Help
Ranma? How?"

"That's the problem. I don't know.

(Well, shit...so you're completely useless, is what you're saying?  Why did 
you bring this up again?  "Hello.  There might be a way to fix your car..."  
"Really?"  "Yes, but I don't know how.  Let's just say I've subscribed to 
the idea that everything is possible.)

This letter from Cologne was just
delivered. It says that there's a way to draw out Ranma's curse,
bringing him back to who and what he was. Doesn't say what it is or how
to do it, only that Cologne's sent the means to a certain person around
here."

"Who?!?" Akane asked. "Who is that person?"

The outside door opened. Happosai entered carrying a sack over his
shoulder, looking like a miniature Santa Claus.

(All right!  Screw the demon!  It's present time!)

"Hey ho, everyone! Who's
up for a panty raid tonight?"

(If it will detract from the story, why the hell not?)

Happosai stood on the room's central table. For some odd reason,
everyone was looking at him.

(Perhaps it was because he just entered, and said something interesting.  So 
we're at the end here, and nothing happened. Not a thing.  The demon 
challenged them at high noon, they all got together, were SUPPOSED to talk, 
but Kuno was thinking about having two ladies at once, Kodachi was 
contemplating killing Lili, who was contemplating suicide, and Kasumi was 
thinking of her dead mother.  A panda took a shit, and they got a letter and 
an offer for some nightly vandalism.  I think what this story really needs 
now...is some more bandits.  More fucking generic bandits performing acts of 
banditual molestation.  I'm looking forward to seeing if anything happens 
until the last paragraph of the last story, where Lili unlocks Ranma's 
hidden martial talents and beats Ashura single-handedly.  And if that's what 
really happens, this is just what I predicted.)





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