This won't make much sense unless you've seen at least a few episodes of
Excel Saga, and there are spoilers for a few parts of Excel as well as
random other series. With that in mind, I think the story speaks for
itself, so please enjoy! Also be sure to stop by my webpage and sign up
for my mailing list to keep up on my updates (some don't make it to the
FFML), prereader requests, and feedback.
Notes about obscure references and other inside/Japanese jokes follow
the story.
A tall, lanky man walked down the crowded Tokyo street, singing to
himself. "Cashing my paycheck, cashing my paycheck.... Manga artists are
useless pieces of trash, but publishers are willing to pay....
Publishers are suckers and I learned how to draw in grade school...."
Suddenly, a figure dressed in black from head to toe fell from the
sky and landed in front of him, making an indentation in the ground and
kicking up a cloud of dust. The man stepped back, coughing, as the ninja
climbed to his feet, brushing off his clothes. Suddenly, the ninja's
face was pressed against his.
"Are you Koshi Rikdo?" the ninja asked in a raspy voice.
"No, I'm not!" Rikdo protested. "I'm paid through the end of the
month! It belonged to my younger sister!"
"That's what I thought." The ninja stripped off his hood, revealing
a pale face, ear-length brown hair, and a thick pair of glasses. "Your
name's written across your forehead."
Rikdo rubbed at the tattoo. "I've been meaning to get rid of
that...."
"You're the guy I have to ask if I want to use Excel Saga in
fanfiction, right?"
Rikdo shook his head adamantly. "No way! No more Excel Saga
fanfiction! Not after I gave permission to That Guy...."
"Yeah, that's what I was referring to," said the would-be author,
rubbing the back of his neck. "See, D.B.'s fanfic gave me a crazy idea
to replace EVERY character in Excel Saga with a character from a
different series, rather than just Excel. And instead of making the fic
about the replacement, I plan to just plop in the new characters and run
through an actual plot." He paused. "Well, what passes for a plot in
Excel Saga, anyway."
"You haven't even read the original manga, have you?" Rikdo asked
accusingly.
"Not as such, no," the author admitted. "This would be an
anime-based fanfiction."
Rikdo considered this. "So, you're basing it on Shinichi's anime,
and using none of the original characters?"
The author nodded. "Yep. That's right."
Rikdo shrugged. "What the hell. It's not like you can do anything to
my story that hasn't already been done." He produced a pre-stamped paper
and handed it to the author before walking past him.
The author squinted at the paper. "Hey!" he called after Rikdo.
"This is in Japanese!"
Rikdo called back his reply over his shoulder. "I, Koshi Rikdo,
hereby give Nidoking my permission to turn this perversion of Excel Saga
into a mega-fusion!"
Nidoking smiled cruelly as he folded the paper up and shoved it into
a pocket. "You'll regret having said that sooner or later." As he turned
to walk away, he tripped on the edge of the depression he'd created when
he fell. Fortunately, he landed on a small yellow creature which broke
his fall.
"Pikachu..." moaned the creature as its face twisted into something
almost as horrifying as what it had been before the impact....
*************************************************
QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC EXCEL FUSION Z
EPISODE 1: MILKING THE JOKE FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH
*************************************************
The blonde girl and her partner saluted the throne that stood in the
most prominent location in the dark room. "Hail -" they chorused,
stopping short as they realized that the throne was unoccupied.
The girl spun around in increments, searching in the darkness for
her employer. "Hello? Boss? Are you out there? It's okay if you're not,
since you're the boss and all, but if you're not here, then there's no
point in saluting you, and since we're already halfway through the
salute, that seems rather wasteful, and I know how you're always going
on about how precious resources are, so maybe it would be a good idea to
show up right about now, don't you think?" She suddenly stopped and
collapsed to the floor, sucking in air in huge gulps. "I forgot to
breathe...."
Her partner smacked his tattooed forehead at her stupidity. "Geez,
Mihoshi. Don't you ever run out of energy?" As if in response, a laser
beam pierced his skull from the side, sending a spray of blood from the
exit wound. He fell to the ground, dead as a nail of some sort.
"Nope," replied Mihoshi, examining the laser pistol she'd just shot
him with. "It's still got plenty of juice."
The blood slowly seeped back into his head as the hole closed. "You
think?" he asked indignantly.
"Yep," she replied, pointing to a display on the side. "The power
meter shows 85%."
He jumped to his feet. "If you already knew it was full, why did you
shoot me with it?"
A giant bead of sweat ran down the back of Mihoshi's head. "Sorry,
Yakumo...."
A spotlight turned on above the throne, shining down upon the fancy
seat. Mihoshi and Yakumo's heads snapped up as they leapt to attention,
anticipating the appearance of the throne's usual occupant. Mihoshi
summarily tripped over her own feet and fell into Yakumo, knocking him
over. He landed hard, cracking his head on the floor as a short man with
thick white hair dropped from the ceiling to land lightly in the throne.
"Hail, Clef!" shouted Mihoshi, raising her hand with the fingers
fully extended and her wrist fully bent.
Clef's brow furrowed. "That's the Nazi salute, Mihoshi."
"I've been conducting a study of otherworldly cultures as per your
earlier request, Lord Clef!" replied Mihoshi. "It appears that the Nazis
were a group devoted to taking over the world, just like ACROSS, so I
thought we should incorporate some of their practices into our daily
routine!"
"And did you happen to finish your research and discover what
happened to the Nazi regime in the end?" asked Clef. "For example, why
they're a HISTORICAL political group that's not around today?"
Mihoshi pressed her index fingers together in embarrassment. "Um, I
believe they conquered all of Europe, which gave them three extra armies
per turn, and then, I don't know, maybe they got three cards that
matched, and won a free trip to Jupiter and went to live there?"
"Half right is more than I expected from you," said Clef, raising
his staff. "But it's not enough. I'm afraid your performance today has
been unacceptable." He tapped the bottom of his staff sharply on the
floor. "ELURIA! PIT OF DARKNESS!"
Before the spell could take effect, Yakumo climbed to his feet,
using Mihoshi's clothes as handholds. "You...."
Mihoshi slowly backed away as Yakumo's haggard face appeared in
front of hers. "Gee, Yakumo, I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to kill you
again, honest! It was an accident!"
"I've put up with your accidents long enough!" shouted Yakumo. "This
time...!"
Mihoshi smiled back timidly. "Um, Yakumo... you're standing above
the pit."
Yakumo glanced down just long enough to confirm that this was indeed
the case before turning his burning glare on Mihoshi. "I hate you." With
that, he dropped into the darkness.
Mihoshi leaned over the side and peered into the pit until a shower
of blood flew up, splattering all over her. "What was at the bottom of
this one?" she asked.
"Razor-thin spikes," Clef replied calmly. "It's a quick death. You'd
like it far more than the other method I have in store for you."
"Don't worry, I got the hint." Mihoshi waved half-heartedly, pinched
her nose shut, and jumped into the pit. "GERONIMAAAAAAAAATION!"
Clef hung his head and groaned. "Why did I ever hire those two?"
"I have no idea," replied Sailor Pluto as she took her usual perch
beside his throne. "All I know is that it makes far too much work for
me." She waved her staff, filling the room with a rainbow swirl of
colors.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@KERPLUNK!
"I'm sorry my death inconvenienced you, Sailor Pluto!" shouted
Mihoshi, giving the usual salute rather than the one that had caused the
trouble in the first place. Then, she started and looked in every
direction. "Hey, where's Yakumo?"
"He's been immune to my power from day one," replied Pluto as she
strode out of the room through a doorway that didn't exist.
The floor under Mihoshi's feet shook, causing her to dance
uncontrollably. "Oh no! It's an earthquake! Close all your doors and
windows, and nail the children and pets to the floor! This is surely a
sign of the apocalypse, or ACROSS's world conquest and successful
subjugation of the entire human race, and any other species with enough
brains to be ruled!"
The floor tile rose at a slant, knocking Mihoshi to the floor, as
Yakumo climbed out of the pit at last. "Geez, Mihoshi, lose some
weight," he grumbled as he let the tile fall back into place.
"Sorry," whined Mihoshi, tears pouring down her face like twin
waterfalls.
Clef cleared his throat. "Are you two finished?"
They immediately snapped to attention. "Yes, Lord Clef!" they
chorused.
"Good." He held his staff up, and a map of F City, F Prefecture
appeared in the air before him.
Mihoshi cooed and prodded at the map with a finger. "Hey, Clef, how
does this thingy work? Is it a hologram or what?"
Clef's eyebrow twitched as his fingers clenched the staff tightly.
"I told you, it's MAGIC!"
She froze in place. "Paralysis!"
Clef groaned. "That's going to go over the heads of our English
readers."
"Oh, fowwy," said Mihoshi without moving her lips. "I'ww haff to
shoose am eafier pum." She spun around and held up a thermos with the
map of F Prefecture printed around it. "This is a magic thermos!"
Clef banged the tip of his staff on the ground. "Unacceptable."
"It's funny if you look it up in a Japanese
dictionaryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Mihoshi called as she plummeted into the pit.
"So, what's our assignment this time, Lord Clef?" asked Yakumo.
"Hey!" Mihoshi called from the bottom of the pit. "This stuff feels
like water, but it burns!"
"As you know," Clef began, ignoring Mihoshi's voice as per usual,
"our attempt at citywide conquest has not been faring well. I attribute
most of that failure to Mihoshi's stupidity."
"Oh, it hurts my ears to hear you say that," called Mihoshi, "but
maybe that's just this acidic liquid I'm swimming in!"
"I'm sure I share some part of the responsibility," Yakumo said with
a bow.
"It may be eating through my clothes, too!"
"That may be true," agreed Clef, "but I'm not here to judge you
today."
"Ooh, look! It's even dissolving the metal and declaring war on my
muscles!"
"Your mission," continued Clef, ignoring the horrible pun, "will be
of higher priority than usual."
"It's cleaning my hair, too! Shampoo! Mousse! Ryoga!"
"We'll do our best to carry out the mission, Lord Clef!" Yakumo
announced proudly.
"It's burning my sensitive parts now!" shouted Mihoshi. "Extreme
pain causes abnormally high leap!" She flew up out of the pit with her
hands between her legs and her clothes in tatters, landing on her face
next to Yakumo. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"
"I trust you've learned a valuable lesson from this experience,
Mihoshi?" ventured Clef.
"I sure did!" said Mihoshi. "Not even the strongest clothing or
thickest skin is adequate protection from Lord Clef's righteous
indignation!" Her uniform suddenly gave up its last shred of coherence
and fell apart around her, leaving her wearing nothing but a deep blush
and strategically placed black boxes. "And now my uniform has gone to
pieces. Say, Sailor Pluto, can you fix my clothes?"
Sailor Pluto stepped behind Mihoshi and groaned. "Are we going to
overuse this gimmick right from the start?" She waved her staff.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@KERPLUNK!
Mihoshi stared despondently at the bunny costume she was wearing.
"Hey, what is this? This uniform is not ACROSS standard!" She pulled at
every inch of it in turn. "The waist is too tight! And it pinches my
chest a bit! And the hips are too tight as well! And it doesn't cover my
legs at all! But I like this cotton tail... it feels cozy."
Yakumo wiped a spot of drool from his chin. "Hey, boss, you think we
can keep this costume?"
"It's certainly tempting," agreed Clef, "but needless exhibitionism
is one of the things we're trying to rid the world of."
"What? Since when?" protested Yakumo.
"We're trying to cleanse this society of impurities and all things
that lead to lapses in thought."
"What was that?" asked Yakumo as he continued to drool over
Mihoshi's costume. "I wasn't paying attention."
"That much is clear," said Clef, tapping his staff on the floor.
While Yakumo fell into the pit, he nodded to Sailor Pluto. "Please
restore her normal outfit."
Pluto sighed. "That's what I get for trying to lighten the mood...."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@KERPLUNK!
"There, I'm done here," said Pluto. "Now, can everyone please stop
needing my services for a few minutes? I'm due to star in a Chibi-Moon
lemon now."
Clef cringed. "I would make the elimination of Chibi-Moon lemons an
immediate priority, if the already planned mission were not so
critical."
"If the mission is critical enough to leave such an obvious example
of bad taste unchecked, it must really be important," observed Mihoshi.
"Indeed," said Clef. "This mission is even more important than the
eradication of Java IRC clients that I have scheduled for next week."
"Aren't we stretching the scope of this fanfic a bit too far?"
Mihoshi ventured.
"Perhaps," agreed Clef. "But my character is a vehicle for the
author's opinions, as it was in the original work."
Yakumo pulled himself over the lip of the pit. "So, what is this
ultra-important mission you've got for us?"
"I was just getting to that," said Clef. "Now, returning to the map
of F City...."
Mihoshi handed him a small package wrapped in a map. "Here you go,
Lord Clef."
"Why, how thoughtful of you, Mihoshi," said Clef, pulling the map
off and letting the contents fall into his lap. "A hunk of cheese?"
"Yep!" Mihoshi said proudly. "In the original Japanese, it sounds
like the word for map!"
Clef's free hand twitched violently as he clenched it into a fist.
"I warned you about making puns that the English readers won't
understand...!"
He trailed off as a Pikachu landed in his lap. "Pikachu!" it said
happily.
"Oh, what's this cute little thing?" asked Mihoshi, bending down to
examine it.
"Watch out, Lord Clef!" shouted Yakumo. "That's a Pikachu! Mihoshi
and I have encountered them before! They're dangerous!"
"Pikachu?" the Pikachu asked innocently, nibbling at the cheese.
Clef stroked its back. "It's so cute...."
The Pikachu perked its head up. "PIKACHU!" it called into the
darkness.
"PI-KA-CHU! PI-KA-CHU!" came the responding chant as an entire spark
of Pikachus marched from all sides and leapt into Clef's lap.
"This is rather uncomfortable," Clef said calmly. "But they're still
cute."
"Lord Clef, be careful!" shouted Yakumo, leaping to Clef's rescue.
"Pikachus may look cute, but they've got a dangerous power!" He grabbed
one of the Pikachus and pulled it away from his boss.
The Pikachu's face darkened. "Pikachu..." it grumbled darkly, before
sending a powerful electric shock through Yakumo's body, frying him.
Clef scratched his chin, only to discover that it was not his finger
doing the scratching, but a Pikachu's tail. "Hmmm... perhaps it would be
best if we divested me of these creatures."
"Don't worry, Lord Clef!" Mihoshi cried enthusiastically. "I'll take
care of them for you!"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Clef put in hastily. "I wouldn't
want to agitate them...."
"Don't worry," Mihoshi repeated. "I'll set my blaster to STUN." She
turned a dial on her blaster, pointed it at the Pikachus, and pulled the
trigger.
"Wait, Miho-" was all Clef could get out before the Pikachus leapt
out of the way and the beam struck him full in the chest. Instantly,
Clef's entire body turned to stone.
The nearest Pikachu climbed into the lap of the Clef statue and
gazed longingly at the stone hunk of cheese. "Pikachu..." it moaned
despondently.
"Whoops," said Mihoshi, scratching her head as she stared at her
pistol. "That must have been the STONE setting. I always get those
confused." Suddenly realizing what she'd done, she fell to her knees and
bowed profusely, kissing Clef's stone feet. "I'm so sorry, Lord Clef!
Please don't drop me into another pit! I really didn't mean it!"
"He's not going to drop you into a pit, bonehead," spat Yakumo.
"He's a statue."
"An elephant?" repeated Mihoshi, trying to picture Clef with big
floppy ears and a trunk.
Yakumo groaned. "Just turn him back so we can find out what our
mission is."
Mihoshi's face curled into an embarrassed grin. "I... don't know
how, exactly?"
"Man!" Yakumo lowered his head and clutched his forehead in one
hand. "How are we going to advance the plot now?"
"Just leave that to me!" a voice announced proudly from the back of
the room. As the pair turned to face the new character, a spotlight
turned on over his head. He adjusted his glasses and posed with his
finger and thumb forming a V under his chin. Heroic music played in the
background.
"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Yakumo.
"I'm Nidoking, the author," he replied. "Everything that happens is
under my control, and I can cause anything to happen, no matter how
outrageous or silly it may seem. In fact, this is Excel Saga! The
sillier, the better!"
"What are you -" Yakumo began before a large safe fell on top of
him.
"I think we need more Yakumo death scenes," Nidoking announced.
"But what about our mission?" asked Mihoshi. "Didn't you say you
could help us with the plot?"
"What plot?" asked Nidoking. "I don't remember saying anything about
a plot."
"But you said...." Mihoshi's head spun around on her neck. "This
time, I'm confused. I'm so confused, I forgot the tomatoes."
The safe fell onto its side as Yakumo climbed to his feet. "Are you
saying THERE IS NO PLOT?"
Nidoking's eyes darted from side to side. "Well, I never actually
SAID that, as such...."
"What kind of a hack writer are you if you can't even come up with a
plot?" demanded Yakumo. A boulder landed on him and crushed him to
death.
"Here!" Nidoking shouted quickly, grabbing a random man with long
blond hair and thrusting him in front of the door. "This guy will
explain everything!" He quickly ran, leaving the newcomer to fend for
himself.
Mihoshi examined the man carefully, noting the large guitar slung
over his back. "You're cute. What's your name?"
He reached over his shoulder and pulled the guitar to his front as
if drawing a sword from a shoulder scabbard. Flipping his hair, he
positioned his hands appropriately and strummed the strings, producing a
grating chord. "Sauuuuuuuceeeeeeeeeeer," he sang.
Mihoshi blinked. "A police investigation?"
Suddenly, his hands flew across the strings as he picked up the pace
of the song. "I'm here to tell you about the dragon, well actually it's
a dragon half but it's as troublesome as a rabid fangirl, I'm so hot all
the girls want to be in my fanclub, ACROSS headquarters is displeased
again, YEAH!"
Yakumo slowly oozed out from under the boulder and gathered himself
up. "What a racket," he complained, holding the sides of his head. "Who
is that guy, anyway?"
"He seems to be an idol singer in a boy band," observed Mihoshi. "He
has absolutely no skill, but I still feel the strange urge to tear all
of his clothes off and...." She glanced aside at Yakumo.
"Hey, don't look at me like that!" snapped Yakumo. "I want no part
of your sick yaoi fantasies!"
"Shut up!" shouted Saucer, slamming his guitar into Yakumo's head
hard enough to leave a blood-spurting dent. "I'm trying to sing here!"
Mihoshi prodded her dead partner with a foot. "Are we doing a FLCL
crossover now too? Is that what our mission was supposed to be?"
Saucer shrugged. "How should I know? I was just supposed to sing."
He took a bow, retrieved his instrument, and swept out the door in
search of glory and four more bad singers to round out his posse.
*************************************************
Meanwhile, in a well-lit room on an upper floor of the F City Hall,
six civil servants were busy with paperwork. Well, half of them were
busy with paperwork. The youngest member of the group had no idea what
she was supposed to be doing, since she couldn't read, so she was
randomly stamping every document she could find. At the other end of the
table, her older counterpart was too busy fending off the unwanted
attentions of her neighbor to accomplish anything. It was times like
these that made her wonder why she'd been created at all....
"Enough narrating," she snapped, smacking the hand that was reaching
for her chest. "Just make something happen before I end up killing him."
"Aw, don't be that way, Bloodberry," whined her grabby coworker. "We
both know you can't resist me!"
"True," agreed Bloodberry. "The urge to kill you is overpowering."
Taking the hint for once, he turned flirtatiously to the woman on
his other side. "Say, Rally Vincent, would you mind explaining to her
why I'm such an incredible hunk who -" He froze as the barrel of a
customized revolver entered his mouth.
"Shut up and keep your hands away from me, Moroboshi," Rally said
coldly. "And stop using my full name!"
"Mo pwovlem."
Across the table from Moroboshi, his two roommates glumly shook
their heads. "He couldn't even get his work done when there were no
women around at all," said the one who looked suspiciously like a woman
himself.
The panda nodded and held up a sign which read [THE MORE GIRLS WE
MEET], then flipped it over to reveal [THE LESS WORK WE GET DONE.]
Moroboshi sighed gratefully as Rally returned her gun to its hidden
holster. "Can I help it if I'm helplessly attracted to the fine ladies I
work with?"
"Nuku Nuku wants to be a fine lady too!" shouted the youngest
member, leaping athletically over the table to land on top of him as a
pair of metal ears sprang from the sides of her head. "Be attracted to
Nuku Nuku too!"
"No way!" screamed Moroboshi. "You're just a little girl! What do
you think I am, some kind of sick pervert?"
"Yes," chorused the other three, while the panda held up a sign that
read the same.
"Nuriko! Genma! Not you guys too!" protested Moroboshi. "We're
supposed to be compadres!"
Nuriko crossed his arms. "We just share an apartment, you lech."
[YOU'RE ONE TO TALK,] Genma pointed out. [YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A
MAN....]
"Shut up!" snapped Nuriko. "You're a freaking panda, for crying out
loud!"
Rally lowered her head. "You're all sick."
"I'm not sick!" shouted Moroboshi. "I want this runt off me!"
"Nuku Nuku isn't a runt! Nuku Nuku is a fine lady!"
The door opened, and the section chief strode into the room with his
usual cheery air. "Hello, everyone!" he said jovially, letting the butt
of his tall, crooked staff come to rest on the floor.
"Hi, chief," said everyone who was sitting down and capable of
speech.
Nuku Nuku leapt to her feet and ran to give the section leader a
hug. "You think I'm a fine lady, don't you?"
He smiled. "Can't imagine why not," he said jovially.
"Yay! Yay!" cheered Nuku Nuku, leaping around the room and bouncing
off every surface in sight, regardless of its orientation or stability.
Moroboshi climbed into his seat and pulled over a stack of papers to
catch the blood dripping from his nose. "Yo, chief."
"Hey, Moroboshi, what's with the nose gusher?" teased Nuriko. "You
got a thing for that little one after all?"
"Not a chance, you jerk!" Moroboshi shot back. "She smacked my nose
when I hit the floor, that's all!"
"Now that I have everyone's attention," the chief said jovially as
Nuku Nuku bounced off his head, "I've got an important assignment for
all of you today!" He leaned back and beamed benevolently, as if waiting
for his employees to applaud his genius.
"Well?" Nuriko finally hazarded. "What is it?"
The chief raised an index finger slyly. "That..." he said jovially,
"is a secret!"
A young woman in a tight yellow leather midriff jacket and short
shorts slid into the room. "Mr. Xellos, your bath is ready."
"Sorry, everyone," Xellos said jovially, holding up an apologetic
hand. "Some important government business has come up, and I must attend
to it immediately." He slid backwards without changing his position at
all until he was well into the hallway, then hiked up his robe and ran
out of sight.
The secretary snorted. "That's the boss for ya. Never wipes that
goofy smile off his face or gives a straight answer to anything."
Rally stood up. "Miss Valentine, would you mind explaining the
chief's mission to us?"
"Call me Faye," replied Faye. "As far as I can tell, Mr. Xellos is
expecting some kind of attack on the city, and he wants you six to deal
with it."
Nuku Nuku came to a stop right in front of Faye. "I can deal with it
too! I'm special! Praise me!"
Faye produced a gleaming handgun and put a bullet through Nuku
Nuku's head. "Like I said, he wants the five of you to deal with it."
"What kind of threat is it?" asked Bloodberry. "And how are we
supposed to stop it?"
Faye shrugged. "Beats me. I only worry about trouble with money
attached. Oh, and by the way... he also wants you to use as many
Japanese words and phrases as you can."
"Why?" asked Nuriko. "Or, rather, doushite?"
"Wakaranai," replied Faye. "All I could get him to say on the
subject was 'Sore ha himitsu deeeeeeeeeesu!'"
"Mattaku," sighed Nuriko.
A tall man in a white coat pushed his way past Faye and knelt beside
the damaged Nuku Nuku. "Hmmm... yes, yes. Definitely broken."
Faye shielded her eyes from the light reflecting off the oversized
mirror strapped to the man's back. "Mori-sensei, what are you doing
here?"
"Seishun," replied Dr. Mori. "My beautiful creation has been
defiled, and so I must repair it." He tore Nuku Nuku's clothes off and
threw them into the corner. "Ah, such a wonderful sight. Subarashii."
Faye ventured a peek and immediately kicked the doctor's head. "What
the hell are you doing? The hole's in her head, not her pants!"
"This guy always creeps me out," said Moroboshi. The others nodded
their assent.
Dr. Mori gave a satisfied nod. "I can fix her. I can make her
better, stronger, faster. Sono technology ga aru." He put his fingers in
his mouth and whistled loudly.
Sailor Pluto appeared behind him. "He calls me technology? Kuso...."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@KERPLUNK!
Nuku Nuku sat up. "Wai! Wai! I'm defectively broken! Wai!"
"That's my girl," said Dr. Mori with a smile. "Ne?"
"Ne!" agreed Nuku Nuku, leaping to her feet.
Dr. Mori ruffled her hair affectionately and straightened up. "Time
for me to make my exit." He whipped the mirror from his back and aimed
it at the wall, reflecting the sunlight streaming in from the window
onto a large spot. "REFLECTION BEAM!" he shouted, tilting the mirror
slightly. The beam instantly intensified, becoming so bright that the
wall disintegrated, leaving a hole wide enough for him to leap through,
which he summarily did.
[HE MEANT THAT LITERALLY,] observed Genma.
"Ja bai bai!" Nuku Nuku shouted after him, waving to the hole.
Faye shook her head. "Everyone in this place is a total nutcase. I'm
getting the hell out of here before I turn into one myself. Ittekimasu!"
she said with a wave as she swept out the door.
"Itterasshai!" the others called as the door closed.
Rally groaned. "This is beginning to sound like a really warui
fanfiction."
"Sou da!" said Moroboshi, waving a finger in the air. "I absolutely,
ZETTAI NI cannot work under these conditions!"
"Urusai na, Moroboshi-kun," sighed Nuriko. "Some people actually
prefer it when we talk this way."
"But that doesn't make any sense!" protested Moroboshi. "It's
insane! Completely baka!"
"I wonder," said Bloodberry, "to exactly what extent are we supposed
to speak in Japanese?"
"To the extent you can, darou ne," replied Rally. "Pretty much
anything you know how to say in Japanese, the fanboys can figure out."
"I've been programmed with fluency in Japanese," stated Bloodberry.
"I could speak circles around any fanboy, no matter how devoted."
"Sugee!" said Moroboshi. "Let's hear some!"
"Yeah, kikasete moraemasu ka, or whatever," said Rally.
Bloodberry cleared her throat. "Ano baka na hakase ha seiji no koto,
zenzen shiranai hazu da na!"
"That sounds great, Bloodberry!" Xellos' voice said jovially from an
unseen source. "Keep up the great work. Ganbatte ne?"
"Wai, wai!" cheered Nuku Nuku. "Uncle Xellos said ganbatte! That
means Nuku Nuku has to work extra hard! Wai!" She enthusiastically
grabbed the stamp pad from her desk and began to stamp everything in
sight, including the desks, walls, ceiling, her coworkers, and a passing
Pikachu.
"<I didn't order a tattoo...>" grumbled the Pikachu.
"I like that enthusiasm," Xellos said jovially. "Keep it up."
Nuriko groaned. "He's just doing this to annoy us, isn't he?"
[HONTOU NI,] agreed Genma.
"I can't read that, you aho," said Nuriko. "I don't read Japanese."
Genma turned the sign around. [GOMEN.] Nuku Nuku wasted no time in
covering the sign with APPROVED stamps, as well as one REJECTED and one
POSTPONED.
Rally rubbed her temples to stave off the impending migraine. "You
guys think maybe we should go outside and look for the source of this
attack hakase's expecting?"
"OI!" cheered everyone except Genma, who used a sign, and Nuku Nuku,
who had run out of clean surfaces to stamp and was now busily covering
herself from head to toe in ink.
*************************************************
"Gomen! Gomen! Oh, very gomen!" Mihoshi sputtered rapidly as she
wove her way down the sidewalk, bumping into every person in sight.
"Do you even know what you're saying, Mihoshi?" asked Yakumo.
"Yeah. It means 'go, men' as in 'MEN in the street, GO somewhere
that's not in my way,' right?"
"That's not what it means at all!"
"Oh, gomen," said Mihoshi as she bumped into a big street tough
whose belt was several sizes too large for his waist, every spare inch
packed with dangerously long swords. "Gouman," she said, quickly
scooting aside.
Yakumo groaned. "You and your stupid puns, Mihoshi...."
The street tough grabbed her by the collar and lifted her up to his
face. "What did you just call me?" he asked.
Mihoshi pinched her nose shut. "Mazui! Your breath smells like my
feet after a long workout and a hot shower in my own urine!"
The man's face screwed up in confusion as he tried to figure out
what she'd just said. Then, deciding that considering it an insult would
give him sufficient reason to kill her, he grabbed as many of the swords
as he could hold and aimed them at Mihoshi's stomach. "That's enough
outta you, missy! I'm gonna run you through!"
"Tasukete!" shouted Mihoshi. "Danger! Peril! Fried bean curd!"
"Shut up!" He thrust the swords forward, just missing as Mihoshi
snaked her body between the advancing points. Yakumo, unwisely yet
predictably standing behind her, received the business end of every
blade.
Mihoshi stuck out her long, forked tongue and hissed as she
slithered through the sharp maze and emerged unscathed. "You shouldn't
play with pointy things, mister! You could have hurt someone!"
"What do you mean, could have?" burbled Yakumo through the fountain
of blood as he tried to stand up.
"What kind of monster are you?" asked the brute as he slowly edged
away from Mihoshi.
Mihoshi saluted him. "I'm Mihoshi, senior officer of ACROSS, the
organization dedicated to taking over the Earth in some fashion or
another for reasons unknown, although we don't seem to be making
progress in any direction at the moment, but it's fine because our boss,
the Master Mage Statue Clef, probably knows what he's doing even if I
keep screwing it up week after week." She paused for thought, causing
her head to emit grinding noises and small peals of smoke. "But I think
once again, I've said a bit too much to a common citizen, which means
that I have to kill you now!" She casually grabbed one of his swords and
waved it at him. "I'm so sorry! Please try not to hold this slip-up
against me!"
The man took a defensive stance and pulled a pair of katanas from
behind his back. "So you say, but I believe the fight is already mine!"
he announced, his lips not quite matching the words coming from his
mouth.
Mihoshi's countenance became serious as she matched his stance, the
light reflecting off the short sword's blade gleaming as she turned it a
fraction of a degree. "It is folly to think that you have the power to
stand against my swordsmanship."
"Ha! I know it was you who killed my brother, and now I have come to
exact my revenge upon you for my family's honor!"
"And I know that YOU killed my third cousin on my stepbrother's
half-mother's granduncle's pet budgie's side, and I don't really care
about him one way or the other, but because my lip movements don't match
my speech, I am sure to win!"
"Fool!" shouted the man, whose mouth continued moving in silence for
several more seconds. "I too am badly dubbed! Now prepare to face the
ultimate offensive technique of the Tyuu Ten Kamen School of Anything
Goes But No Poking In The Eyes Swordsmanship!" He crouched down, and his
eye glinted.
"SHIPPU-HAPPU-NETTO-FISHY-VISHY-SWAZI-KEN-TAKI-HIPPO-DAI-INFIDEL SLASH!"
With that, he leapt at Mihoshi, and the world behind him became a
monochromatic moving blur.
"Then we'll have a close-up of his eyes," decreed Nidoking, and it
was so.
"Sugee," said Mihoshi admiringly, reaching out to touch the moving
blur and scraping her palm badly in the process. Then, she returned her
attention to the fight. "And I will counter with the ultimate defensive
technique of the Mihoshi School of Mihoshi-style Mihoshi fighting!" She
crouched down, and her eye glinted. She quickly wiped the glint out of
her eye with the back of her hand and lowered the sword. "YAKUMO BLOCK!"
she shouted, holding her partner in front of herself to take the twin
slash right in the chest.
"Why, Mihoshi...? Why...?" he sputtered as he collapsed.
Mihoshi let Yakumo fall to the ground, then put her finger to her
chin. "Hmmm... there was something I was supposed to be doing.... Oh,
right." The mercenary glint returned to her eyes as she swung the sword
in a full circle. "RANDOM HAPLESS STRANGER DISEMBOWELING ATTACK!"
@@@In order to protect the sensibilities of our readers, we present the
following scene from a restaurant at the other side of F City, F
Prefecture as an alternative to the violent scene that would otherwise
occupy this space.@@@
"Ah, quite good," said the Frenchman as he wiped his mouth with the
cloth napkin. "You have very fine cuisine. But I'm certain I couldn't
eat another bite."
"Are you sure you won't have dessert, Mr. Descartes?" asked the
waitress, gesturing to a bountiful tray of plastic models of cakes and
ice creams.
"No, I think not," said Descartes, who promptly ceased to exist.
"Hey! You can't vanish without paying your bill!" the waitress
exclaimed to the vacant, smoking chair.
@@@We now return you to the scene already in progress.@@@
- blood spurting everywhere as his leg bone shattered -
@@@Oops, it seems we didn't wait quite long enough. Let's get back to
the restaurant.@@@
"You know, this wasn't a very funny scene," said one of the men at
the table in the corner.
"So?" Nidoking countered wittily.
"And that wasn't witty at all," his companion noted. A safe fell
from the sky and crushed him.
"My story, my rules," Nidoking said wistfully, puffing on his wooden
pipe. "MY SHOES." He coughed violently. "What the hell am I doing?" he
wondered aloud. "I don't smoke!"
@@@And by Nidoking's command, the bloody carnage has ended, so we may
safely return to the story.@@@
Mihoshi huffed and wheezed as she let the blood-stained sword drop
from her fingers to land in the lake of blood at her feet. "Mission
accomplished," she announced.
"Okay, I'm convinced! You're dangerous!" screamed the sword-wielding
man as he ran away at full speed.
Mihoshi kicked what was left of Yakumo's corpse. "Daijoubu, Yacchan.
He's learned his lesson. You can stop being dead now." Another kick
failed to produce any results. "Oh dear. Maybe I've killed him so
completely that he won't ever come back this time." She shrugged. "Oh
well. Time to get on with carrying out my mission." She scratched her
head. "Oh, right. I don't know what my mission is." She pointed to the
horizon. "WHO CARES! The ideals of ACROSS won't be accomplished if I
just stand around doing nothing!" She strode off down the street,
kicking passing Pikachus as she went.
"That's about the best chance ACROSS has...." mumbled Yakumo as he
slowly pulled himself together.
*************************************************
As slow, melancholy guitar music played in the background, a lone
worker stared up at the soon-to-be tool of his new trade. "This is my
job," he whispered to himself. "It's what I have to do. It's what I was
born to do." He clenched his fists. "It's my destiny! I have no choice!
I have to do it!" He raised those fists to the sky. "I mustn't run
away!"
Suddenly, he was curled up in a ball, moaning softly to himself.
"Mommy... I don't want to do it."
"Shinji!" called his supervisor. "What's the holdup?"
Shinji climbed to his feet. "I don't know if I can go through with
this. It's too dangerous!"
"You knew what the risks were when you signed up for this job,
Ikari," replied the supervisor. "You either get in the plug, or you walk
away and never show your ugly mug around here again."
There it was. The out. His ticket to freedom. He turned around and
saw a multitude of angels hovering in the sky, holding the kanji for
"freedom" in their tiny baby-sized hands. He turned back to see the
yawning mouth of the entry plug awaiting him, planning to close on him
and envelop him in the endless darkness of death. He had to choose.
Freedom or death. Freedom, death. Freedom... death.... The inside of the
entry plug smelled like blood.
"Well, what's it gonna be, Ikari?" asked the supervisor.
"What?" Shinji shouted back. "I can't hear you over the slow,
melancholy guitar music!"
"That's it, son," said the supervisor. "Report to the decon showers
and turn in your suit. You're fired!"
Shinji heaved a sigh of relief and let his head drop. It was over.
The nightmare had ended before it could begin. He would never have to -
"Oops, sorry!" Mihoshi shouted as she ran past, bumping into Shinji
with enough force to cost him his balance. He tripped over a pile of
dirt and fell head over heels through the opening in the entry plug,
which quickly sealed shut. A mechanical arm lifted the plug to the back
of the giant robot and inserted it into a hole in the back of the
mecha's neck, where it spun into place. Giant metal plates descended to
cover the opening, and the robot stood up.
"Ikari! You get out of that Eva unit THIS INSTANT!" screamed the
supervisor, but it was no use. The Eva's eyes blinked twice, and then
the giant metal monstrosity tore free of its restrictive housings and
began to trudge across F City, F Prefecture, destroying everything it
stepped on.
"This can't be happening!" shouted Shinji. "My nightmare has come
true! And I'm not getting paid for doing this!" The Eva threw back its
head as Shinji's scream echoed across the country.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Mihoshi stared up at the Eva as it walked right past her. "Man, I'd
hate to see the person whose forehead THAT thing popped out of!"
*************************************************
NIDOKING: So, what do you think, sir?
RIKDO: Push the button, Frank.
NIDOKING: You're the dub Rikdo, aren't you?
RIKDO: What gave it away?
@@@COMMERCIAL BREAK@@@
The Sailor Scouts are about to face a very different kind of enemy than
anything they've ever fought before...
"I'm Ranma Saotome," said the boy. "And I'm here to kill you."
Several enemies, who know their secrets....
Mina lost her footing and fell onto her back with a scream. "L-Lina
Inverse!"
Lina's eyes popped open. "So, you remember me. That's good. It means I
don't have to introduce myself. And just to save you the trouble, I
know exactly who you are as well... Sailor Venus."
Enemies with powers unlike anything they've ever seen before....
Mewtwo stood up to face the tiara as it approached. "Useless." The
blue lights flared in its visor, and the tiara spun off to the side,
missing Mewtwo by half the width of the street.
"No!" cried Mercury. "We were so close!"
Enemies that cannot be defeated by any means at their disposal....
Venus backed away, firing her Crescent Beam as quickly as she could to
hold Cell off. Sailor Moon's tiara sliced through Cell's neck,
removing his head. The stump of Cell's neck bulged, and a new head
sprouted forth. "He's unstoppable!" whined Sailor Moon. "We're never
going to beat him!"
A General Time Paradox
Read it today. http://nidoking.anifics.com/Paradox.html
@@@BACK TO THE SHOW@@@
RALLY: Is something going to happen this time around?
MOROBOSHI: Tabun ne.
*************************************************
"So, what's going to happen next?" asked the generic bad fanfiction
author, his words slightly distorted by the finger jammed up his left
nostril.
Nidoking shrugged. "I hadn't really thought that far ahead.
Obviously, they have to do something about the giant Evangelion that's
destroying the city."
"Why don't you just do it yourself?" asked the author. "After all,
you're the self-insert. It's your JOB to totally kick ass and save the
day because the main characters in your story are wimps."
Nidoking shrugged. "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm lazy."
"Lazy nothing!" retorted the author. "It's just words on a page!
You'll be typing whether you take the easy way out or come up with some
other bogus solution! If you just take the obvious solution, you won't
have to waste time thinking about it!"
Nidoking shrugged. "Sure, that's what the mainstream does, but I
thought Excel Saga was all about going AGAINST the mainstream."
The author sighed. "But you're parodying bad fanfiction! How can you
do that without making use of some of the conventions in the original
format?"
A giant purple metal foot smashed through the ceiling and landed on
the author, crushing him to death. The sufferers of atrocious grammar
and plotless pornography the world over cheered.
Nidoking shrugged. "Use my imagination, I guess." He stuck out his
foot and casually tripped the Eva, knocking it flat on its face. "But
maybe he had a point, in a way. That was kinda fun."
*************************************************
"Mita ka?" exclaimed Moroboshi from the roof of City Hall, handing
the binoculars to Rally. "It just tripped on something and fell down!"
"Of course I saw it, you bonehead," replied Rally, ignoring the
eyepiece. "It's big enough to be seen from J City."
"But we're not in J City," he reminded her.
Nuriko groaned. "Do you listen to yourself, Moroboshi? Do you ever
pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth?"
"What words?" he asked, watching as a large speech balloon formed
over his head with the words "What words?" printed in it. "Oh, that?" he
asked, pointing to it. "Yeah, I see that all the time!"
[WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT SEEING YOUR WORDS?] asked Genma.
"You would ask that," said Nuriko.
Bloodberry's eyes returned to their normal hue as she finished her
scan. "It seems to be a manmade construction, operated by a human
pilot," she announced. "It's surrounded by an impenetrable shield."
Nuku Nuku also finished her scan. "The building next door has
chocolate!" she announced.
"So how can we defeat it?" Rally asked, ignoring the younger
android.
"I'll have to do it alone," said Bloodberry.
"No, I can help!" insisted Nuku Nuku.
"I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.
"No, I can help!" whined Nuku Nuku.
"I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.
"No, I can help!" pleaded Nuku Nuku.
Bloodberry calmly produced a length of rope and hogtied Nuku Nuku.
"I'll have to do it alone," she said, stuffing a gag in Nuku Nuku's
mouth.
"Mmph! Mm cmm hmmm!" Nuku Nuku screamed into the gag.
"Tetsudanee, urusai," said Bloodberry as she stood triumphantly over
her younger counterpart.
"Oh, man, are we back to the Japanese again?" groaned Rally.
"We have no choice," replied Bloodberry. "Hakase's orders are
orders."
"Yep," agreed Nuriko. "If you want to get your kyuuryou at the end
of the isshuukan, you'll have to hanasu in nihongo."
"That's just creepy," said Rally, edging away from Nuriko. "Don't
mix in so many Japanese words."
"Don't you mean 'kowai'?" suggested Moroboshi.
Rally grabbed the hand that was prodding her behind and pulled it
firmly away while she drew a pistol with the other hand and rammed it up
Moroboshi's left nostril. "I think 'hentai' covers you pretty well,
doesn't it? How'd you like to add 'shinderu' to the list?"
"Shin...de..." he repeated, rolling the syllables on his tongue as
he tried to reverse conjugate the verb and determine the standard form.
When he'd figured it out, he did his best to shake his head while
impeded by the firearm still lodged in his nose. "No thanks. Just
'hentai' works for me." His eyes dropped to Nuku Nuku. "You know,
there's something appealing about a girl who's tied up...."
"SUGOKU hentai," muttered Nuriko.
Moroboshi smacked himself in the face several times. "No! No! Iya
da! She's just a kodomo!"
"Not to mention a robot," Nuriko pointed out.
Nuku Nuku spat out the gag. "Android!"
Nuriko tapped Moroboshi on the shoulder, making his arm go numb.
"Say, did you see which way Bloodberry went?"
Moroboshi spun around, taking in the five people - or rather, three
people, one panda, and one tied-up android - who remained on the
rooftop. "She's gone!" The color drained from his face, which didn't
change his appearance noticeably. "Don't tell me she...." He ran to the
edge of the roof and leaned over, nearly plunging to a messy death
before he caught himself on the ledge and peered down toward the giant
robot that was just getting to its feet in the streets below, as well as
the nubile android running toward it at full speed. "BLOODBERRY!"
*************************************************
With one final powerful blow from Bloodberry, the Eva finally
shuddered for its final time and collapsed face-first onto the street,
incidentally crushing nearly every one of the buildings that had
formerly remained standing after the intense battle. Bloodberry stood
tall over the metal corpse, her hair and eyes glinting in the sunlight
with highlights 28% shinier than industry standard.
"Bloodberry!" cheered Moroboshi as he ran up the sheer side of the
robot, arms outstretched.
"Ataru!" Bloodberry called back, running to meet him halfway. They
leapt into each other's arms, not caring where gravity decided to take
them.
"I'm so glad I got to know you!" Bloodberry cried breathlessly.
"You're such a wonderful man, and I still don't know what it means to be
a real woman!"
"Don't worry," he assured her. "I'll teach you what it means."
"I want you to teach me how to buy shoes, and how to balance a
checkbook, and how to squeal when a man grabs me inappropriately!"
"All those things are important for a woman," agreed Moroboshi, "but
why don't we skip all of that and go right to the final lesson?"
He grabbed her inappropriately.
She squealed blissfully.
They melted into each other as they rose into the sky. Around them,
everyone inexplicably dissolved into puddles of orange goo while a
cross-shaped nuclear reaction rent the clouds above them. But the lovers
didn't care. They were finally one, as it was intended all along....
*************************************************
Back in the real world outside Moroboshi's demented imagination,
Bloodberry smacked into an invisible shield several yards from the Eva
and fell onto her back.
"BLOODBERRY!" Moroboshi screamed again. "How could this happen! You
were so beautiful, and we never had a chance to explore our love!"
"She's not dead, you idiot," said Rally. "She just fell down."
Moroboshi turned to look up at her with tears in his eyes. "Rally
Vincent... you DO care about me!" He hopped to his feet to hug her, but
the familiar barrel of her pistol stopped him short.
"Don't use my full name, sukebe," she warned him.
"Hate to break up the tender moment," said Nuriko, "but it looks
like Bloodberry could use our help."
[WHAT DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO AGAINST *THAT*?] asked Genma.
Nuriko rolled up a sleeve, brandishing his iron-hard bicep. "You
have to ask?"
"Strength alone isn't going to win this battle," said Rally. "We're
going to need firepower."
Nuriko nodded. "Right, what have you got?"
"Not much on me, I'm afraid," admitted Rally. "But there's plenty of
artillery back at the shop."
"Nuku Nuku has weapons!" cried the trussed android. "Let me help,
onegai shimasu!"
"Good idea," said Nuriko. He picked up Nuku Nuku and slung her over
his shoulder. "Just remember to tell me where your trigger is when the
time comes." He pointed toward the Eva in the distance. "Minna, ikusee!"
"Hey, no fair!" whined Nuku Nuku as they leapt from the rooftop,
traversing the maze of successively shorter buildings that would lead to
their target. "HANASE!"
*************************************************
"Is it my turn yet?" asked Mihoshi. "It's not fair! It's already the
fifth scene of the second half, and I haven't even appeared yet!"
"You're appearing now," Yakumo informed her. "And you were in most
of the first half."
"But that's not enough!" protested Mihoshi. "I'm the star of the
story! I'm supposed to be in EVERY scene!"
"Personally, I'd rather appear a lot less," said Yakumo. "I'm tired
of dying all the time." Rather predictably, a piano landed on him and
crushed him to death.
"Be more careful when throwing pianos out the window!" said an
admonishing voice from the window above. "You could have killed
somebody!"
"It's okay, honey," responded another voice. "It just landed in the
middle of that spreading pool of blood."
"Oh, no!" cried Mihoshi. "Yakumo's dead again! What can I do?"
A miniature winged man appeared on her left shoulder, dressed
completely in black. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked. "The city's getting
demolished, and it's your fault! I say get the heck out of here while
the getting's good!"
"That sounds like very good advice," said Mihoshi. "But who are
you?"
The tiny man scowled. "Don't you recognize me? I'm Koryu, your bad
conscience! I told you to join ACROSS, I told you to turn Clef into a
statue, and I've told you to kill Yakumo hundreds of times."
"Oh, yeah," said Mihoshi. "I remember now. But what about my good
conscience?"
Mihoshi turned to the winged woman on her other shoulder, who was
clothed in nothing but a copious curtain of flowing blonde hair. Her
eyes widened as she realized it was her turn to speak, and she cleared
her throat delicately. "Go into your heart. You have to remodel the
queen's plan! The incorrect preface is playing with the clouds!"
Koryu shook his head. "Rane never makes any sense anyway."
Rane sighed heavily. "I can't leave the mainland," she agreed.
"Oh, what can I do?" sobbed Mihoshi. "I want to obey my good
conscience, but I can't understand what she's saying! Is this why I'm
always doing such bad things?"
"You're not a laughingstock," Rane assured her.
"I'd say you're plenty laughable," countered Koryu. "Meanwhile, what
do you plan to do about that robot?"
Mihoshi turned to Rane. "What should I do?" she asked.
"Warmth!"
Mihoshi turned to Koryu. "And what do you say?"
Koryu shrugged. "Someone will probably take care of it eventually."
Mihoshi nodded. "Then I'll have to help them in any way I can!" she
decided. She sat down at the piano and began to play one of Beethoven's
louder and faster moving symphonies as background music for the next
scene.
*************************************************
The massive machine swung its legs toward the sky and leapt to its
feet in a single fluid motion. It spun around on one toe, kicking out
with the other leg and knocking Bloodberry out of the air, then stomped
on the ground hard, narrowly missing the rest of the crew as they
struggled to catch up.
"This is a war... even though I don't like it..." said Shinji, as
the Eva reached behind its back and drew forth a knife handle. With a
soft hum, a ludicrously long orange blade emerged from the handle. The
music crescendoed as the blade swung down, right at where Bloodberry had
fallen.
"BLOODBERRY!" shouted Moroboshi, running to what he could only hope
would be her rescue.
The sword hit the ground hard, sending up a huge cloud of dust and
gouging a trench through the land where several apartment complexes had
been. Moroboshi drew to a halt several blocks away, staring at the blade
in horror. "BLOODBERRY!" he shouted again.
"Hey, keep it down," groaned Bloodberry. "This is hard enough
without you distracting me!"
"Eh?" Moroboshi looked up to see Bloodberry holding the giant blade
above her head with both hands, preventing it from crushing her, or
slicing her in half, or incinerating her, or whatever fate would have
awaited her had the blade struck. "Bloodberry! You're alive!"
"That's not technically true," replied Bloodberry. "But I haven't
been destroyed yet."
Moroboshi stared at the scene and scratched his head. "But how can
you be holding up a blade made entirely out of energy?"
"BAKA!" cried Bloodberry. "Don't bring real-life physics into this,
or -" At that, her hands sank easily into the massless blade, and the
sword completed its arc, wiping her out of existence.
Moroboshi grabbed the sides of his head and started tearing his hair
out. "I'm such an idiot! Why did I have to break the fourth wall? I have
to fix it! Hayaku, someone get me some bricks and plaster!"
"Oh, get over it," said Bloodberry from beside him. "It could be
worse."
Moroboshi's eyes grew wide, and he turned to throw his arms around
Bloodberry, who held him at arm's length just in time. "Bloodberry!
You're alive - or whatever - again!"
"I'm not the same Bloodberry," she pointed out. "I'm just a copy of
the original."
Moroboshi scratched his head. "Coffee?"
Bloodberry scooped him up and leapt out of the way as the sword
swung sideways at them. "Less talking and more dodging! We'll never
survive at this rate, much less take out this robot!" The pair landed on
the roof of a van, which immediately accelerated and took off as a giant
metal foot landed in the space where it had been.
"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!" shouted Moroboshi, falling
onto his stomach and grabbing at the sides of the roof.
"Have I seen this van before?" Bloodberry wondered aloud as the van
pulled to a stop in front of the rest of the City Defenders. She hopped
lightly to the ground, pulling Moroboshi with her.
The side door slid open, revealing the beaming Xellos in his
bathrobe. "I'm glad to see that you all arrived in time to deal with
this giant robot!" he said jovially.
"What are we supposed to do against it?" asked Nuriko. "We can't
even get close!"
"Don't worry," Xellos assured him jovially. "I brought your Daiten
suits with me."
"Dame da yo!" shouted Moroboshi. "I'm not wearing that ridiculous
costume ever again!"
"Oh dear," Xellos moaned jovially. "Then it appears that our town is
doomed!"
Rally sighed. "I'm afraid he's right," she announced. "This is the
only way to stop it."
"I have to agree with Moroboshi on this one," said Nuriko. "I mean,
at least you girls look good in yours. We look like a bunch of freaks."
"Especially Genma," said Moroboshi, jerking a thumb at the panda.
[IT'S BETTER THAN TURNING INTO A FAT, BALD MAN,] Genma pointed out.
"Come on," said Bloodberry, deciding the matter for all of them.
"Let's untie Nuku Nuku and get this over with."
"Wai! Oneechan sugoi!" cheered Nuku Nuku. She easily broke the ropes
and landed on her feet, jumping for joy at her imminent liberation.
"That's the spirit!" Xellos chimed in jovially. "Sassuga my team!"
Bloodberry smacked her forehead with her palm. "Anna yatsu..."
*************************************************
INSERT HEROIC SCENE CHANGE HERE. INSERT 2 CREDITS TO CONTINUE.
*************************************************
"Wai!" Nuku Nuku cheered again, leaping into the air to better show
off her pastel blue uniform. "I feel so kawaii and cuddly!"
Rally, clad in an identical lime green bodysuit, scratched her head
as best she could through the awkward mittens that prevented her from
using her fingers. "Tell me again why these suits don't have fingers or
feet?"
"It's based on some dumb cartoon," said Bloodberry, whose pink suit
went well with her bright orange hair. "Powerbar Girls or something like
that."
A giant sweatdrop ran down the back of Rally's head. "Is that the
best they could come up with?"
"Could be worse," said Bloodberry. "It could have been A-Ko, B-Ko,
and C-Ko."
Rally shuddered at the image of Nuku Nuku playing C-Ko. "I think
I'll stick with the Powerbars."
"Easy for you to say," grumbled Moroboshi. "You at least get suits
that enhance your powers."
Rally leapt off the ground and hovered, a mini-jetpack on her back
keeping her in the air. "I suppose so... but you guys look pretty cute
in those outfits."
"I DON'T WANT TO LOOK CUTE!" shouted Moroboshi. "This is just plain
hazukashii!"
"The blond wigs suit you," Bloodberry put in.
"And you get nifty musical instruments!" chimed Nuku Nuku. "Nuku
Nuku wants one!"
"You can have mine!" Moroboshi willingly offered, trying to lift the
guitar strap from around his neck. "What the - this thing's stapled to
my shirt!"
"It's part of the costume," said Nuriko. "We can't take them off."
"What, aren't you strong enough?" asked Moroboshi.
Nuriko flipped his newly blond long hair. "I actually kind of like
this costume."
"You would!" Moroboshi shot back.
"Hey, we needed a trio of easily recognizable male characters."
[But HANSON?] asked Genma from behind the massive drum set. [Whose
baka idea was this, anyway?]
"It looks REALLY weird when you mix up Japanese and English
writing," said Nuriko, ignoring the question.
"Enough talk," said Rally. "It's time to take action!" She flew
straight at the Evangelion, lowering the special goggles that would
allow her to fire lasers from her eyes.
"I recommend we come up with a plan of attack rather than just
rushing in blindly!" shouted Bloodberry, taking off after her.
"What's to stop me from just pounding this thing with my
super-strength?" asked Rally, seconds before she crumpled against an
invisible wall.
"The forcefield," Bloodberry replied disdainfully.
Nuku Nuku soared past, with her head down and her feet pointing to
the sky. "Whee! Flying is fun!"
"Was she that hyper in canon?" wondered Bloodberry.
Rally floated up to Bloodberry's side, her face bruised and bloody
from her high-speed impact. "Okay, so what's your plan?"
Bloodberry rubbed her chin with her round, stubby hand and thought.
"Well, we obviously can't fly through this invisible barrier. Maybe we
should try our laser eye-beams."
"Fine by me." They squinted at the Eva and fired two pairs of laser
beams at it. They struck the forcefield squarely, revealing a
tessellated pattern of red hexagons with the words ACCESS DENIED in each
as the beams spread over the surface of the shield, not even able to
penetrate at the seams.
"I don't think it's working," said Bloodberry as she turned to
Rally.
Rally leapt upward and spread her legs, narrowly avoiding being
sliced in half by Bloodberry's eye-beams. "Hey, watch what you're
shooting at!"
"Gomen nasai," said Bloodberry. "I can't see a thing while the
lasers are firing."
"Well, brute force doesn't work, and planning doesn't seem to have
helped," assessed Rally. "So, what's left?"
"I've seen this one!" Nuku Nuku shouted excitedly as she popped up
between them. "Nuku Nuku knows what to do!" She flew around the robot in
a spiral and came to a stop right in front of its face.
"Hey, come back here!" shouted Rally. She started to fly to Nuku
Nuku's rescue, but Bloodberry held her back.
"I want to see what she does," said the larger android.
"She'll get herself killed!" protested Rally.
"And that's what I want to see," agreed Bloodberry.
Nuku Nuku threaded her fingers together and made her best pouty
face. "Mr. Robot, I know you're really big and all and can't really help
that you smash stuff wherever you go, but there are a lot of people who
live in this town, and we'd all really appreciate it if you'd stop
destroying our homes and go somewhere else. Pretty please with a yummy
fish on top?"
The robot stared at her with its glowing eyes.
Nuku Nuku smiled and batted her eyelids.
The Eva raised a hand, curled its forefinger, and casually flicked
Nuku Nuku over the horizon.
Bloodberry shrugged. "Well, that settles it. I'd say we're
officially screwed."
"Aha!" shouted Moroboshi, pointing his finger into the heavens.
"Men, it's our time to shine! I know we may hate it, but our special
attack is lethal and drives the ladies wild at the same time!" He
scratched his chin. "On second thought, why was I so opposed to this?
LET'S DO IT, MINNA!" He strummed his guitar strings and hummed, charging
up the trio's most lethal (and only) attack. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...."
"We'd better move," advised Bloodberry. "I don't know what they're
going to do, but I have a feeling we don't want to be in the way of it."
She and Rally darted in opposite directions, leaving the Eva alone in
the path of the impending strike.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...." the group hummed, Moroboshi and Nuriko
dueling to see whose chords could clash most garishly while Genma
pounded on every part of the drum set that wasn't meant to be pounded.
Suddenly, the "music" reached a crescendo, and they abruptly ended with
a resounding "MMMMMMMMM-BOP!" A solid wall of sound exploded outward,
knocking down buildings and tearing up the sidewalk in its wake. The Eva
fell down as the soundwave breached its barrier, landing on its back.
Within seconds, it was getting to its feet again.
"What?" protested Moroboshi. "That attack should have stripped the
armor right off that thing! What went wrong?"
"I don't think we were operating at full power," said Nuriko. "We
didn't get our full sound."
The two of them glanced down at their instruments, then turned in
unison to glare at Genma.
[WHAT?] Genma asked defensively. [I'M LUCKY I CAN HUM.]
Nuriko sighed. "I guess he's got a point."
"Oh, excuse me! I mean, gomen! Oh, I don't know what I mean!" cried
a pathetic voice that steadily moved toward them, bumping into
everything in its path. Mihoshi arrived on the scene, dragging the
unconscious Yakumo on the ground behind her so that his head constantly
bounced on the hard pavement as she ran.
"Hey, here comes your boyfriend," murmured Moroboshi. Nuriko's jaw
dropped to the ground.
Mihoshi stopped in front of the trio and squealed happily. "Ooh!
It's that popular boy band, Handsome! You guys are SOOOOOO sugoi!"
Moroboshi blushed. "Well, we are pretty cool...."
[THESE ARE JUST COSTUMES,] said Genma.
Mihoshi deflated. "Oh. In that case, have you guys seen a giant
robot that's destroying the city?"
The three wordlessly pointed up at the Eva that dominated the entire
view of what had once been a relatively peaceful and intact city.
Mihoshi dropped Yakumo and turned to face the Eva. "Okay, giant
robot! It's time to fight!"
"Are you dense?" asked Moroboshi. "You can't go up against that
thing! You'd have to be Superman to stand a chance!"
Mihoshi's eye gleamed. "I may not be Superman, or even Spiderman,
but I have a strong heart and the will to succeed! These will be my
weapons!" She pointed at the Eva, and a giant stone carved in the shape
of the kanji for "heart" landed on it, breaking in two from the impact.
"My heart is broken!" whined Mihoshi.
Yakumo woke up just in time to see one of the giant pieces of stone
about to land on him. Suddenly, a strong hand yanked him out of the way
a split second before the stone hit, leaving a giant crater where he had
been. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed. "Arigatou," he
said, then caught himself. "Wait... I'm the straight man in this story.
Why am *I* speaking nihon- I mean, Japango?"
"Sekushii nara," replied Nuriko, whirling Yakumo around to face his
rescuer. "Now give me a kiss, you hunk of man you."
Yakumo recoiled and pulled back. "Ew! No way! Last time I fell for
that one, you turned out to be a man!"
"I still am," said Nuriko. "Is there a problem with that?"
"I don't kiss guys!" shouted Yakumo. "Now let go of me!"
Instead, Nuriko wrapped his arms tightly around Yakumo and squeezed.
"Fine! Then I'll settle for a hug!"
"Better watch that, Nuriko," warned Moroboshi. "Don't forget your
incredible tsuyosa."
"My incredible WHAT?"
Yakumo gasped. "Can't... breathe! Too... strong!"
"Oh, that." Nuriko reluctantly let go.
"Geez... watch what you're doing next time," wheezed Yakumo as he
tried to catch his breath. "I thought I was going to die again."
Mihoshi shook her head disapprovingly. "You really should learn to
stop saying that, Yakumo," she admonished him. "You know what's going to
happen every time."
"What's going to -" he started to ask before the Eva, bored with
being ignored for so long, stomped him into a bloody smear.
Nuriko's face drained of color, and he turned around to vomit.
"Whoa," said Moroboshi. "That's one seriously unlucky guy."
"That does it!" Mihoshi shouted at the Eva. "Nobody makes Yakumo die
but ME!" She tore off her jacket and threw it angrily to the ground,
only to recover it when she realized that she wasn't wearing anything
underneath. She pulled it on, wiping briefly at the bloodstains on the
sleeve from Moroboshi's nosebleed, and stared into the Eva's face
without a trace of fear. "It's time to use the secret weapon I've been
saving for just this moment."
Bloodberry and Rally landed lightly behind her. "You think she's got
a plan?" asked Rally.
"Her emotional response suggests that she is in control of the
situation," replied Bloodberry.
Mihoshi fanned out the cards in her hand and pulled one out. "Your
giant robot is no match for my Blue Eyes White Dragon!" she shouted,
slamming the card onto the ground face up and stepping back.
The card sat in the street, inert.
"Well, that's weird," said Mihoshi, scratching her head. "In the
commercials, a dragon always came out of it."
"Baka!" snapped Bloodberry. "What do you think this is, an anime?"
"Maybe I'm supposed to sacrifice something weaker in order to play
this one," Mihoshi continued obliviously. "Hey, Yakumo, are you alive
yet? I need your help here!"
"Forget it," grumbled Yakumo. "I'm not your sacrificial -" Once
again, he was cut off as Nuriko scooped him up.
"You're alive! It's a miracle!" cheered Nuriko, squeezing Yakumo so
hard that his body instantly broke in two. "Ara...."
"This robot is going to kill us all if we don't do something!" said
Rally.
"Then I'll have to resort to my OTHER secret weapon!" said Mihoshi.
"Pikachu, I choose you!" She snatched up a Pikachu that was lapping at
Yakumo's blood and hurled it at the Eva with all her might.
"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" the Pikachu cried as it flew
toward the robot. It smacked into the Eva's chest facefirst and slowly
slid down the smooth armor plates.
"Strike two," said Moroboshi.
The Eva casually peeled the Pikachu off its chest and held it up to
its face, squinting curiously at the tiny creature. The Pikachu's warped
face curled into a cruel grin. "Pika... CHUUUUUUUUUU!" it shouted,
zapping the Eva with one point twenty-one gigawatts of electricity. Had
the Eva been traveling at exactly 88 miles per hour at the time, that
probably would have been the end of it, but as it was standing still, it
simply cooked a bit and dropped the Pikachu as it convulsed.
"Wow. That is one dangerous stuffed animal," remarked Moroboshi. The
Pikachu shocked him.
Bloodberry's eyes glazed over. "Its shield is down," she reported.
"The enemy should now be vulnerable to our attacks."
"I hear you!" shouted Rally. "Let's show this oversized Rock 'Em
Sock 'Em Robot who's boss!" She leapt into the sky and blasted the Eva
with her eye lasers. The Eva blocked the beams with its hand and grabbed
her in a massive fist.
Rally struggled in vain to escape. "Dame da! It's too strong!"
"Oi!" Moroboshi shouted indignantly at the Eva. "Nobody manhandles
Rally Vincent but me!"
Rally craned her neck to glare in the general direction of the van
in the street below. "Hey, hakase! I thought these suits were supposed
to give us super strength!"
Xellos scratched his chin. "Is that right?" He snapped his fingers.
"I knew I forgot to include something in the design plans!" he remarked
jovially.
"Wonderful," groaned Rally.
Nuriko bravely stepped forward. "If it's super strength you need,
then I'm your man!"
"That's a man?" asked Mihoshi.
Nuriko charged at the nearest giant metal foot and wrapped his arms
around the toes. With a deep grunt of exertion, he picked the Eva up and
hurled it into the sky. "There we go," he announced, wiping his hands in
satisfaction. "That should take care of that."
[WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO SAVE RALLY FIRST?] asked Genma.
Nuriko's hands stopped in mid-motion. "Oh, yeah. Oops."
Yakumo stared up at the flying Eva, shielding his eyes from the
sunlight. "At least that's ONE thing that's not going to kill me
anymore."
Suddenly, a tiny object slammed into the flying machine, diverting
it from its path to land right on top of Yakumo. The object in question
peeled herself off the Eva's head and leapt lightly to the ground. "Wai,
that was fun!" she cheered. "Let's do it again!"
"Nuku Nuku, stop that," said Bloodberry. "First, apologize to the
man you just killed."
Nuku Nuku solemnly bowed to the fallen Eva. "Sumimasen," she said.
"Shouldn't that be 'namu amida'?" asked Moroboshi.
"No!" snapped Nuriko. "He'll come back to life again! This is just a
temporary condition!"
Rally finally forced the downed Eva's fingers open and climbed to
the ground. As soon as she was on her feet, she drew a Magnum and
leveled it at Mihoshi's head. "Who are you, and what's your connection
to this big robot?"
"What big robot?" Mihoshi asked cluelessly.
"The one that just crushed your partner," explained Moroboshi.
"My partner's not crushed!" Mihoshi retorted with a smile. She
reached under the Eva and pulled out the completely intact Yakumo.
"See?"
"I'm not dead!" moaned Yakumo. "I feel fine! I think I'll go for a
walk!"
Rally let the gun fall from her fingers in shock -- which wasn't
hard, considering that the fingers in question were still tucked away
inside her mitten. "How... how does he keep doing that?"
"It's a secret," said Mihoshi, sticking out her tongue at Rally.
"Hmmm..." Xellos quietly, jovially muttered to himself. "What an
interesting girl."
"Come on," said Yakumo, grabbing Mihoshi's hand and pulling her
along. "We have to go."
"Wait!" Rally called after them. "One more question!"
Nuriko slapped his hand over her mouth. "Can I at least have your
phone number?"
Yakumo raised his middle finger over his shoulder as he walked
steadily out of sight.
Nuriko jotted this down in a notebook. "One... okay, what's the next
number?"
"He's gone," Moroboshi said dryly.
Nuriko growled and tore the notebook in half. "How could I have let
him walk out of my life again? What's that girl got that I don't?"
[MUNE.] said Genma.
"Boobs," translated Moroboshi. "Nice ones, too."
"And what do you call these?" asked Nuriko, fondling his chest
demonstratively. His left breast deflated with a sharp hissing sound.
"Balloons," Moroboshi supplied unnecessarily.
Genma held his sides and rolled on the ground, barely able to hold
up the sign that said [HA HA HA!]
"Why, you... jerks!" shouted Nuriko, raising his fists.
"Uh, oh," said Moroboshi. "I think he's pretty pissed." He hauled
Genma to his feet, and the two of them fled at full speed with Nuriko
close behind.
Nuku Nuku turned to Bloodberry. "Oneechan, is Nuku Nuku going to
grow big balloons like Nuriko-niisan had?"
Bloodberry patted Nuku Nuku's head affectionately. "No. You're
always going to be a flat-chested little brat."
"Awww...."
"Come on," urged Rally. "Let's get the heck out of here and change
out of these ridiculous costumes."
The androids nodded, and the three women turned on their jetpacks
and flew off toward City Hall.
"That was certainly entertaining," Xellos said jovially. "We'll have
to do it again sometime." The door of the van slammed closed, and the
van took off at illegal, quasi-relativistic speed down the crowded
streets of F City.
"Um, hello?" called a voice from deep within the Eva. "Can someone
help me? I'm stuck inside this thing! I think I landed on the exit
hatch...." Shinji took a deep breath and sighed. "There's only one thing
to say in a situation like this....
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
*************************************************
"Well, I suppose it all worked out in the end," said Sailor Pluto.
"And I didn't have to lift a finger this time."
"Indeed it did," agreed Nidoking. He took a sip of his iced tea.
"So, wanna go have sex or something?"
She smacked him across the face. "Ecchi! What do you think I am,
some cheap prostitute?"
Nidoking shrugged. "I AM the self-insert, after all." He raised his
eyebrows teasingly.
Pluto sighed. "Fine," she muttered, pulling her leotard down over
her shoulders. "Let's get this over with."
*************************************************
"Hail, Lord Clef!" Mihoshi shouted enthusiastically as she saluted
the throne in which Master Mage Clef was seated.
"Um, Mihoshi... he's still a statue," Yakumo reminded her.
"Welcome back, both of you," said Clef's voice from the direction of
the throne.
Yakumo lost his balance and fell flat on his face. "Lord Clef! But
how...?"
"Just because I'm made of stone doesn't mean that I've lost my
magic," replied Clef's voice. "My body can't move, but my spirit isn't
bound by the physical world. It can inhabit any body I choose."
Mihoshi patted herself down. "I don't feel a kokoro inside of me."
"Stop that," ordered Clef. "There will be no Japanese used in my
presence."
"Hai!" shouted Mihoshi. The floor under her feet vanished, and she
plunged into the pit.
"What body have you chosen?" asked Yakumo. "I can't see anyone
here."
There was a long pause, its silence broken only by a faint splash
from the bottom of the pit.
Finally, Clef spoke again. "Promise you won't laugh."
"I never laugh," said Yakumo. "Dying every few seconds has made me
far too depressed to laugh."
"Point noted," said Clef. "Very well. I'm coming out now." A small,
round, white creature that resembled a cross between a dog and a
snowman, down to the vaguely carrot-shaped nose, stepped out from behind
the throne and sat down beside it, staring up at Yakumo with its beady
eyes.
Yakumo shivered. "Is... is that...?"
The creature nodded solemnly. "Puun."
Yakumo doubled over with laughter. "THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE
EVER SEEN!"
The creature's eyes darkened. "PUUN." A pit opened under Yakumo,
dropping him into the depths that Mihoshi was just climbing out of. Her
eyes lit up as they saw the strange creature.
"Oh, it's so cute!" she shouted, leaping across the room to pick it
up and cuddle it.
The creature raised a paw to its mouth, and Mihoshi distinctly heard
Clef clear his throat. "As you can see, my spirit now resides within
Plue. In this way, I can continue to give you instructions for the
conquest of F City."
"Puun!" affirmed Plue.
Mihoshi held Plue at arm's length. "Then Lord Clef is actually this
little funny thing?"
Plue crossed its arms indignantly.
"I'm just borrowing this body for a while," said Clef. "Once we
figure out how to restore my body to normal, Plue will go back to being
a normal... whatever it is."
"Then the mission is understood!" cried Mihoshi. "We must
immediately restore Lord Clef to his own body so that Plue can become
our emergency food supply!"
Plue began to squirm in Mihoshi's arms, trying to escape. "Puun!
PUUN!"
"Why on Earth would you want to eat that thing?" Yakumo asked from
behind her. "It can't possibly have much meat on it. And it's probably
tough as leather, no matter how you cook it."
"I was thinking of shoving a pointy stick through it and making a
kebab," announced Mihoshi.
Yakumo nodded. "Yeah, that might work."
Plue leapt out of Mihoshi's arms and speared Yakumo through the
forehead with its drill-like nose. "No eating my temporary body!"
shouted Clef.
"S-sorry," gurgled Yakumo as he died.
"It's okay, little Plue," Mihoshi whispered reassuringly as she
picked Plue up. "Mihoshi's not going to eat you."
"Puun!" cooed Plue.
"I'll have to fatten you up first," Mihoshi continued.
"PUUN!"
*************************************************
EPISODE 1: MILKING THE JOKE FOR MORE THAN IT'S WORTH
TODAY'S EXPERIMENT....................... DEPENDS ON READER RESPONSE
*************************************************
Shinji groaned as he trudged through the familiar countryside that
surrounded his home. "I can't believe I was trapped in that thing for
five days. I nearly starved to death!" His stomach growled, affirming
his statement. "At least I'm almost home. I hope Naru's got plenty of
food in the house."
As his house finally came into view, so did a tiny girl running from
the same direction with her arms outstretched. "Papa!" she cried,
leaping up to hug him.
"Oh, my darling Tomoyo! I missed you so much!" He picked her up and
swung her around joyously, then hefted her onto his shoulder and
continued on his way. "Is Mama home?" he asked.
"She is," replied Tomoyo. "And she has been waiting for you."
"I'm sure she has," said Shinji as he stepped onto his own property,
ignoring the nameplate. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get home,
but -"
"Mama!" Tomoyo called out as the door opened. "New Papa! Look! Old
Papa's come home!"
"'Old Papa?'" repeated Shinji as his wife stepped into the doorway,
along with another man.
Naru put her fists on her hips. "There you are, you disgraceful
excuse for a man! Where the hell have you been?"
"I got trapped inside a walking death machine! I'm lucky to be
alive!" ... is what Shinji wanted to say. As usual, all that he got out
was "Sorry."
An elbow came to rest on the doorframe just above Naru's head. "What
a loser," said the man it belonged to. "Your babe's lucky I came along
to keep her sexed up while you were away."
"New Papa!" shouted Tomoyo excitedly, as she leapt off Shinji's
shoulder and ran to hug her stepfather's leg.
Shinji gasped at the sight of the interloper's bleached hair and
torn jeans. "Ei-Eikichi Onizuka?"
"I fell in love with him when he taught my calculus class in high
school," said Naru, caressing Onizuka's chest. "When you didn't come
back, we decided to consummate our love."
"Mama and New Papa sleep in the same bed and make funny noises all
night," said Tomoyo.
"How can this be?" asked Shinji.
"You're a loser," Naru said coldly.
"Can't imagine how you managed to snag a piece of ass like Naru in
the first place," added Onizuka.
"New Papa's so much fun," agreed Tomoyo. "He doesn't even cry all
night!"
Shinji grabbed the sides of his head and pulled his hair. Throwing
his head back to the heavens, he shouted, "Woe is me! After only five
days, another man has stolen my family! And I'm so spineless, I can't
fight back! Predictably, NO!"
*************************************************
REPLACEMENT OF EXCEL SAGA CHARACTERS.....................MARGINAL
SUCCESS
*************************************************
MIHOSHI: Well, I hope you all enjoyed the first episode of Quack
Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z! ... I mean it! I really hope you
enjoyed it, because if you didn't, then Nidoking might stop writing it
altogether, and then I'd cry!
NIDOKING: You can't cry if I don't write you crying.
MIHOSHI: (cries)
NIDOKING: Just introduce the next episode. Then I'll have to write it,
won't I?
MIHOSHI: (sniffles) Really?
NIDOKING: Yeah, sure. Let me just go hide "DVD 2" of Elf Princess Rane,
Dragon Half, and Princess Rouge.
MIHOSHI: (perks up) Okay! In the next episode, we'll be bringing back
some of the minor characters from Excel Saga to replace them with even
more obscure characters from other anime series! We'll also be
introducing a new character who doesn't correspond to anyone in the
original series!
NIDOKING: We're a progressive story!
MIHOSHI: And there will be a big mystery to solve, too! So don't miss
it!
NIDOKING: Or I'll make Mihoshi do something a lot worse than crying.
MIHOSHI: Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z Episode 2: The Plot Is
On My Foot!
TSUDZUKU...
*************************************************
Pop-under notes: Similar to the pop-up notes on the Excel Saga DVDs, but
not as intrusive and conveniently located at the end of the fic. Take
all the time you want to read them; they won't disappear after one
frame. These notes will explain the characters, Japanese puns, and
Rane-speak to whatever degree I understand them, in order of their named
introduction to the story.
Koshi Rikdo: The original author of Excel Saga, and a recurring
character in the Excel anime. His main role is to give permission to the
anime producers to take whatever direction they want with the anime,
even if it completely goes against the intention of the original story.
D.B. Sommer: Author of The Replacement Excels, the story that inspired
this piece of gar- er, prose.
Nidoking: The author of this piece of gar- oh, wait. I did that one
already. I'm standing in for Nabeshin, the avatar of Shinichi Watanabe,
who directed the Excel anime. He's a natural at self-insertion. I, on
the other hand....
Pikachu: The most well-known of all the Pokemon, by far. It's a little
yellow rat with a lightning-bolt shaped tail that shoots electricity far
beyond the capacity that any Pokemon should be able to achieve. That's
because of its highly revered status as a plot device. It can even
destroy opponents that are immune to electricity. It also seems to like
ketchup. I don't rightly know its stance on cheese, but it is a rodent.
Z: No, there are no DBZ references in this fic (unless you count the
MMM-BOP attack). I'm saving that for later, possibly.
Mihoshi: The ditzy blonde Galaxy Policewoman in the various Tenchi Muyo!
series. I think I managed to blend her personality with Excel's pretty
well. The only distinctly Excel traits she has are the bad puns and the
incredible hyperactivity. The rest is pretty much your standard Mihoshi.
Yakumo: The main character of 3x3 Eyes. He got in a soon-to-be-fatal
accident and was saved by the girl he was with at the time, a member of
the Sanjiyan tribe who turned Yakumo into a Wu. Basically, as long as
she's alive, he'll remain alive, even if he dies. This of course
precipitates a series of very messy deaths from which Yakumo inevitably
recovers unscathed. This is about the only trait he shares with Hyatt,
but he makes a great straight man. (Oddly enough, Nuriko does too.)
Master Mage Clef: This guy brought the main characters of Magic Knight
Rayearth into Cephiro, only to get turned to stone before he could do
much to help them. Fortunately, he downloaded his soul into Mokona, the
little fluffball who follows the Knights around and occasionally does
something useful. Mokona was a self-insertion in the MKR manga, but in
the anime, it's less powerful than Kirby (the non- SSB Kirby).
Sailor Pluto: In case you can't tell from the name, she's from Sailor
Moon. Namely, she's the Guardian of Time, which makes her a natural
choice for the Great Will of the Macrocosm. Whether she'll fall in love
with Shinji and merge with Naru remains to be seen. Merging with Shinji
and falling for Naru will be exclusive to the yuri version, distributed
only to paying subscribers. *
Magic/Paralysis: The Japanese word for magic is "mahou", while paralysis
is "mahi". Clef's subsequent comment no longer has the same clout, does
it?
Magic Thermos: Thermos is "mahoubin", which is incidentally the same
"mahou" that means magic. Guess there's a country out there that needs
to study more thermodynamics.
Dissolving the metal and declaring war on my muscles: Respectively,
"kinzoku wo kaisan suru" and "kin'niku ni kaisen suru". Awful, I know,
but this is what comes of writing puns in a language you don't speak
natively. At least it's no worse than most of the puns in the actual
show.
Shampoo, Mousse, Ryoga: Names of Ranma 1/2 characters.
Map/cheese: "Chizu" and "chiizu", naturally.
Statue/elephant: Both of these are "zou" in Japanese. Different kanji,
obviously.
This time, I'm confused: "Kondo ha kondou."
I'm so confused, I forgot the tomatoes: "Tomadowasereta kara, tomato
wasureta." Amazing, isn't it?
Dick Saucer: The idol guitarist/dragon hunter from Dragon Half. Not too
bright... he once drank a bottle of "energy drink" from the hands of the
very dragon he wanted to slay. Neither one of them knew it was a
laxative....
Saucer/Police Investigation: Police investigation is "sousa", while
Saucer's name is pronounced "sousaa". It's a stretch, I know.
FLCL: I couldn't watch more than two episodes of this series. Even if I
could, I'm not sure I would, although it was intriguing. Best known for
a main character from whose forehead robots frequently emerge. The
female lead beats them to death with a guitar, leading to Mihoshi's
reference.
Bloodberry: The most mature of the three marionettes belonging to Otaru
in Saber Marionette J. Nicely filled out, and very desirable among
fanboys, making her a natural choice to replace the elder Ropponmatsu.
Rally Vincent: The elder of the Gun Smith Cats. Handy with weapons,
obviously, so she makes a much less accessible Misaki... probably a
better one than the real Misaki, actually.
Ataru Moroboshi: The main character of Urusei Yatsura, and probably the
template for Happosai. 'Nuff said? He's also "very unlucky" according to
the elderly priest Cherry, which makes his comment with regard to Yakumo
all the more ironic. His perverted attraction to the females is about
the only thing likening him to Iwata, but his reason for despising Nuku
Nuku is totally different.
Nuku Nuku: The titular (in both senses) character in All-Purpose
Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku. (Try saying that five times fast! Okay,
it's not that hard.) She seems to have developed most of Ropponmatsu 2's
personality, since there wasn't much that stood out about Nuku Nuku
besides her incredible fighting ability and devotion to her family.
Nuriko: One of the Suzaku Seven Warriors in Fushigi Yuugi. I've now
officially spoiled the fact that he's really a man. But that's not
really important after the first few episodes. What would REALLY be a
spoiler is if I told you that he - DELETED! The only reason I chose
Nuriko for Watanabe is that I needed someone who would be attracted to
Yakumo, and refused to use Hanagata. (Besides, I already have
Bloodberry.) He also happens to be incredibly strong.
Genma: The famous man-turned-panda in Ranma 1/2. Apparently, he can't
change back in QEFEFZ, but his signs are the perfect parallel to
Sumiyoshi's text speech.
Xellos: The mischievous priest in Slayers. "That... is a secret!" is his
catchphrase, and yes, he is as jovial as I've portrayed him here. He
also makes more than enough trouble to keep the City Defenders busy.
Faye Valentine: The only woman in all of anime who could possibly stand
up to Xellos as a secretary. She's got the perfect poker face for the
role, even counting all the times she lost it in her own series. She's
also damn hot. ^_^
Koji Mori: A pedophile from I, My, Me, Strawberry Eggs. He loves those
junior high girls' uniforms, particularly the gym shorts. The mirror
with trademark attack and "seishun" (youth) line are the same. He
certainly wasn't a scientist, though, and usually skipped his job to
watch the girls at gym.
"Ano baka na hakase ha seiji no koto, zenzen shiranai hazu da na!":
"That idiot chief doesn't know the first thing about government!" Who
knows whether Xellos actually understood it or not?
Gomen/Gouman: Respectively "sorry" (which I'm sure everyone already
knew) and "arrogant" (which you know now). So watch your syllables when
apologizing.
Danger/Fried bean curd: "Abunai" and "aburage". Maybe they get better
later on.
Descartes: The French philosopher who said "I think, therefore I am."
The inverse is not necessarily true, but makes for a good punchline to
an admittedly old joke.
MY SHOES: Interestingly enough, an English line from the Excel anime
that just got stuck in my head. Out, out, damned line! (Why is my
language so much worse in the notes?)
Shinji Ikari: The pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 in Neon Genesis
Evangelion. He's a spineless wimp who's about as much of a crybaby as
he's portrayed here. Still not quite as much as Pedro... yet.
"Push the button": A Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference. Since Rikdo
caught it, he's obviously the dubbed, U.S. culturally-savvy Ridko.
Shinderu: Means "dead", in case anyone missed that one. It is a bit of
an advanced term, I admit.
Puddles of orange goo: Don't ask me. Watch End of Evangelion, of find
someone who has and thinks they're qualified to explain it. I'm still
trying to forget I ever watched it.
Koryu: A demon from Wish. He's more mischievous than evil, but that's
not because he doesn't try. It's probably because there are so many
people, including his own mentor, working against his whims. He takes
this miniature form during the day, but at night, he's the size of a
full-grown man.
Rane: The titular (again, in both senses) elf/fairy princess of Elf
Princess Rane. The language barrier prevents Go from understanding her,
but as far as I can tell, her words are only a little bit off... in a
way that makes her sentences completely different. What she tries to say
is "Stay here. You have to fight the giant robot! The city is depending
on you!"/"Truly, nobody understands me."/"You're not a bad
person."/"Fight!"
"This is a war... even though I don't like it....": An attack phrase
from Super Robot War Alpha. I heard it from someone who probably doesn't
think I was paying attention. ^_^
The lightsaber: Yes, the progressive knife has become a Star Wars
lightsaber. Use the force, Shinji.
Copy/coffee: Work it out for yourself.
"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!": In the original Metal Gear,
you had to ride in trucks to get from place to place. After a while, it
becomes second nature, but the character still seems just as
illiterately surprised. Maybe it's not as bad as "I feel asleep!"
though.
Powerbar Girls: These are actually the Powerpuff Girls from Cartoon
Network. I might have actually used the cast of A-Ko, if I could
remember a thing about them other than that C-Ko was a bad cook, A-Ko
had some kind of super powers (she's rumored to be the daughter of
Superman himself), and B-Ko was a decent martial artist. Hm....
Hanson: Yes, the boy trio who sang Mmm-Bop. It sounds like the name of
an energy attack, doesn't it? Well, maybe only after you've read my
drivel.
ACCESS DENIED: The hexagons are the actual manifestation of the AT
Field, but the message in them is from Lawnmower Man. Highly
recommended, if you haven't seen it. But don't watch the sequel,
whatever you do.
Blue Eyes White Dragon: One of the most powerful Duel Monsters cards in
the early part of Yu-Gi-Oh. There are only four of them in existence, or
so it's said. After a few story arcs, it's a mid-range player, sort of
like Tien Shinhan in DBZ.
1.21 "jigawatts" of electricity + 88 miles per hour = time travel: You
guessed it. Back to the Future.
"I'm not dead!": Just watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Just watch
it. Now.
Plue: The keeper of Rave in Rave Master. It doesn't seem to do very
much, but then I've only read three volumes. Plue seems to be able to
rescue the main characters, Roger Rabbit style, only when it's funny.
Tomoyo: The best friend of Card Captor Sakura. Incredibly huggably cute
and far less naive than she rightfully should be. She also has a
respectful bluntness when she needs it, like bashing Li over the head
(not physically) to get him to realize how he feels about Sakura. It
works for the "New Papa" lines.
Naru: Love Hina is one of those interesting harem stories for two
reasons. First, despite the relative eligibility of most of the girls in
the series, Naru is the quite obvious primary love interest. She's
bossy, pounds Keitaro constantly, and always ends up in compromising
positions that lead to revelations of ever more of her body and
subsequent Keitaro poundings. Don't know if she'd be likely to leave her
husband just because he's a loser, but then she wouldn't marry Shinji in
the first place. The other reason is that every time I try to type Love
Hina, I end up typing Lova Hina and have to go back and fix it.
Eikichi Onizuka: The titular (in one sense only) character in Great
Teacher Onizuka. He's got a soft spot for high school girls, and Naru
only graduated recently. He's an ex-biker turned teacher, but hasn't
completely eliminated the biker from his resume.
* There's actually no way to pay for a subscription. You just have to be
really nice to me.
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