Some (hopefully constructive) criticism...
Inside his office a man of considerable age sat at his desk. He
had long white hair and a beard to match. With his half-crescent
spectacles on, the man looked over one of his many books. Smiling,
he looked up as an older lady walked in. She was dressed in
emerald green robes with her hair tied up in a tight bun.
She had a soft look as she stared at the man behind the desk.
As soft as McGonagall ever gets, anyway.
"It seems that there are some special kids who would be exceptional
in this curriculum. Right now the other wizarding schools are
recruiting every student they can get their hands on, but before
they could get their greedy hands on a select few, I was able to
recruit four of the top young children that could prove to be very
strong indeed. And one could be the strongest of all."
Somehow, I can't see Dumbledore calling other schools "greedy".
"If you don�t mind me asking, who will be teaching these kids?"
Smiling mischievously, "You may remember her. I ran into her a
long time ago in my travelings around the world. She was very
strong and quite a good mentor I must say. She is the elder of the
Joketsuzoku, Khu-Lon."
Again, Dumbledore is talking like a R1/2 character. Why would he care
how strong she is? Strength doesn't mean much to a wizard. He'd be
impressed with how wise and knowledgeable she is.
"Very well, she sends you her greetings. Right now Khu-Lon is
getting in touch with the four children. She had already contacted
three and in the process of talking to the fourth and most
important child." Smiling at the woman across his desk. "This
will prove to be a most interesting year don�t you think."
"Most important?" I get the feeling that this may be another "Ranma
gets sent to the world of another series and of course is sooooo
much better than anyone else there. Not saying this is the case, just
that things seem to be focusing on Ranma already.
Ranma just stared at the man thinking he was crazy. He felt like
leaving the crackpot and going into another shop. Coming back
immediately he held out a wand placing into gently in his hands.
"I�ve never found anybody who could wield this wand. It was an
experiment in new wand making. Much too unusual for the average
wizard or witch, but you may, kind sir are not the usual wizard or
witch now aren�t you."
Placing the wand in Ranma�s hand he stepped back. The wand did
something-even Mr. Ollivander wasn�t expecting. A feint blue glow
started surrounding Ranma. He looked at the wand it was red smooth
all around.
Clapping his hands, "Excellent, I�ve finally found the user of that
wand. You see I get inspiration and create the wand for the person
who will wield it. You could say the wand makes itself. I�m just
the vessel that physically makes it. One day I had an inspiration
to make an unusual wand, something that I�ve never attempted.
Thirteen inches, Dragon hair core inserted into a talon of a
dragon. Grinded to form a wand, what�s unusual was that it was
dipped in dragon�s blood. I�m not one for such a dark wand, but it
was compelling me to make it. And now I�ve finally found the
owner. Oh happy days."
First Ranma is rich, now he's a powerful wizard. You realize that
most
Harry Potter fans will stop reading this fic at this point? Think of
Harry going to Japan, enrolling at the Tendo dojo, and immediately
beating Ryoga hand-to-hand, without breaking a sweat. Would that be
believable or fun to read for a Ranma fan?
Hermione heart started beating fast when she looked at Ranma. She
didn�t know why, but she felt her face getting flush when she
looked at him. "And your friend?"
"I don�t know if you call him my friend, but that�s Ranma Saotome."
Ranma turned to Hermione, "Hey"
"Nice to meet you both, but weren�t there two other exchange
student�s."
"Yeah," pointing down the train, "they�re down there somewhere."
Hermione wanted to talk to Ranma, but he seemed quiet. She noticed
the owl, "That�s a beautiful owl,"
"Oh thanks the white one�s name is Hedwig."
"No, not that one the other one, I�ve never seen such a red owl
before."
Looking up, "What? Oh, that�s my owl. Her name is Hitomi"
"That�s a beautiful name."
Ron looked at Harry, "Could you get anymore desperate."
Harry snickered, trying to cover it up. Hermione face grew red,
"Well I guess I should help Neville look for his Toad. You guys
should get into uniform we will be there before you know it."
Hermione falls in love with Ranma at first sight? To use the earlier
analogy, not only has Harry beaten up Ryoga, but now all Ranma's
fiances are in love with him.
---
This isn't a bad concept, and could work well. Unfortunately, by
making Ranma everything Harry is, you're removing a lot of plot
angles which could be interesting. For example, how does a martial
artist fight a wizard? Having Hermione critique Ranma in her
patented style is a lot more fun for a Harry Potter fan than having
her drool over him. Ranma is a strong character on his own. You
don't have to make him perfect, because that's boring.
As it is, this story may be OK for Ranma fans, but it's painful for
a Harry Potter fan. From the view of Harry Potter, Ranma in this
story is simply an 'Annoying New Character'. The one everyone likes,
and who is much better at everything than anyone else. Perfect
characters may be fun to write, but they're boring to read. Toning
Ranma down would go a long way towards making this a better story.
Also, including more of the other Ranma characters would be good.
Do they have wands or pets?
Just something to think about, from the perspective of your
audience.
Brian Welch
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