Gosh, haven't done one of these in a while... let's see if I remember how.
:)

All comments strictly my opinion, enclosed in {}, and offered in good
spirit.

On Fri, 6 Jun 2003, Aishuu Shadowweaver wrote:

Aishuu Offers:
Sceance de Go

{ I've seen the FFML discussion over the spelling, and I decline to
contribute to it.  You could just tell people that's how Hikaru spells
it... ^_- }

mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimers: Hotta and Obata.
Spoilers: Through the anime. 


*******

Akira hated the rain, but it always seemed to follow
him.

{ At least he doesn't turn into a piglet.  :) }
 

He had no clue why, but whenever something was about
to happen to him, the rain started. He could almost
count on the downpour, and he shuddered every time he
felt the humidity rise. Traumatic memories had
associations, and for him, it was rain.
					
It was raining now.			

{ Second time through, this appears to be a foreshadowing... works for me.
}

In seconds, he knew a tremendous thunder crash would
follow, and he braced himself. He was nineteen, too
old to be scared of childish things.

{ Nice establishing note. }

 Still, he held
his breath, counting to measure how far away the
thunder was.

"Four... five... six..."

CRASH! 

"TOUYA! Let me in, damn you!"

{ hehe! }

Akira nearly jumped out of his skin when someone
yelled his name at the same time the thunder finally
broke.

{ I think you can safely cut everything after "skin"; it's adequately
implicit, so doesn;t need to be explicit.}

Only Shindou Hikaru would choose to show up in the
middle of one of the worst thunderstorms of the year.
He swung the door open, and his annoyance faded as he
saw his waterlogged rival standing in front of him.

{suggest, since he knows it's Hikaru already, so we need a reason for his 
annoyance to fade, I think} saw the waterlogged state of his rival.

"Shindou... are you okay?"

"I've been better," Hikaru admitted. "Can I come in?"

{ More foreshadowing, in retrospect... }

"Sure," Akira said, stepping aside so Shindou could
pass. His eyes widened as he saw how thoroughly wet
Shindou was. The blonde pro was soaked to the bone,
his hair leaking drops of water across his white face.
He had his arms wrapped around him, trying to conserve
his body warmth, and his lips were nearly blue from
the cold. "You're dripping on my carpet," he pointed
out in a droll voice. "Can I get you a towel?" he
offered.

{suggest cutting "he offered"}
 

Hikaru shook his head, tromping in without bothering
to remove his shoes. "I'll dry off naturally," he
assured his sometimes rival, sometimes friend."There's

{Space missing after "friend"... I like two spaces between sentences, but
you gotta have at least one.  :) }

Akira looked at the white knuckles, and found himself
reaching out to take Hikaru's hand in his own, an echo
of their second meeting. They had lost the softness of
their childhood, and Akira smiled a bit in
satisfaction as he noted the scraped fingernails.
These were the hands of a dedicated Go player.

{ The observation of the fingernails is a nice touch, but I think perhaps
the reaching-out-to-hold part should be omitted, for two reasons: first,
because I'm not sure it's in character for Akira (he's not a real touchy
guy, and even less so with Hikaru due to the prickly nature of their
relationship) and second, because there's some question whether he would
be able to, under the circumstances... more on this at the end. }
 

Akira dropped Hikaru's hand and rose to his feet,
knowing the feeling of frustration well. His rival was
right in front of him - all they had to do was start a
game."I'll place the stones if you call the moves," he
offered.

Hikaru looked a bit taken aback,

{ I knew why even the first time through: Sai. }

"Akira, I will beat you someday. I will walk this path
until I do," Hikaru vowed as Akira set out the goban.
"Nigiri, and I'll say one or two."

Akira sighed a bit in irritation, but obeyed. "I can
just take white," he offered.

{ hehe!  Nice poke.  :) }
 

"Baka. We'll play fair. One."

He counted the stones and sighed. "It's even. You're
white."

Hikaru nodded as Akira placed his first stone on the
4-4 star. "16-4, houshi..." he announced, taking
another the star.

{ "the" creates syntax error... "taking another star," perhaps?  Or even
"taking the diagonally-opposed star." }

"No, let's play like this for a while longer. 4-3,
boushi...."

{ "tsuke", isn't it?  Or maybe "hane," depending on what happened in
between... but since Akira has a stone on 4-4, it's hard to see how
Hikaru's 4-3 could be blocking access to the center. }
 

"I wonder if Sai felt like this?" Hikaru whispered.

The slate stone Akira had been about to place next to
the ten gen fell to the floor. "Sai?"

{ Eek.  Him and me both.  This was the first real surprise in the story.  
And suggest "tengen".}
 

"I played Go with Sai like this, only I was the one
placing the stones. It's odd. You feel a bit distant
from the game, as though it's not really yours, but as
it evolves, I feel closer to you, because you're
helping me create this," Hikaru said in a dreamy
voice.

Akira stared at his rival, wondering if that someday

{suggest} that "someday"

he had been promised had come. "Sai... Shindou, why
couldn't Sai place his own stones?"

{ Excellent question.  He was led to it, of course, but it really does cut
to the heart of the matter.  As the anime and manga progressed, I was
expecting someone (Akira, Touya-meijin, Kuwabara-honinbou, maybe even
Waya) to guess that Sai was Shindou's teacher, and that for some reason
(handicap, disfigurement, pathological shyness :) Sai couldn't go out in
public... they had clues pointing that way. }

Hikaru didn't answer for a minute, before raising his
eyes to meet Akira's. "Because he was a ghost," he
said softly.

"What?" Akira just stared, unable to think on what
Shindou had just said. 

{ suggest } unable to absorb the implications of what Shindou had just
said.

"He was dead. He died a thousand years ago, in the
Heian period," Hikaru said. "Are you going to play?"

Akira wondered if the rain had given Shindou a fever,
or if he had hit his head during the earlier part of

{ suggest, to resolve ambiguity of "he - his"} he had hit his own head

the storm and was dreaming all this. "Shindou, stop
lying."

"I'm not lying!" Hikaru insisted, growing agitated.
"Sai was a ghost!"

Akira took a deep breath to calm himself. "Why don't
you start from the beginning?" he asked. "I'm going to
assume you're not insane for five minutes and hear you
out."

{ Very generous.  Many people wouldn't even manage a whole minute.  :) }

Akira clenched his hands, wanting to deny the
impossible story as Shindou continued, telling how Sai
was the one who defeated Akira those first two games,
how Sai was the one who played him during the first
games, directing the moves.

{suggest} directing Shindou's moves.

"He would tell me where to place the stones, and I'd
do it. He didn't have a body, so he needed someone
else so he could play. I was the only one who could
see him, and I feel kind of sorry for him. I didn't
respect Go much then. I didn't know what the game
was." Hikaru  his scrapped nails. "That's changed."

{ looks like there's a word missing between "Hikaru" and "his"...
"examined", perhaps?  Also, I think you mean "scraped"... but suggest}
Hikaru examined his abraded nails.

Akira opened his mouth to accuse Hikaru of lying or
insanity - he wasn't sure which - but instead found
different words falling from his tongue. "Why did you
take over at the junior high match?"

{ Clues fitting together like a puzzle, I expect.  Akira's instincts told 
him there was something weird going on all along... }

Intense gray eyes met his, and it was then he knew
that Hikaru wasn't crazy. Truth reflected in them as
the room was illuminated from outside, and the steady
beat of rain created an uneven cadence against the
window pane. "Because I wanted to play you," Hikaru
said, leaning forward. "I was selfish, and I wanted
you to look at me, and stop chasing Sai. I didn't want
to be the middleman my entire life."

{ Like Shuusaku was.  :)  But saying that would open a whole 'nother can
of worms, so it's probably better he doesn't... }

"I thought on that a lot, after he left me," Hikaru
said. "Did I do something wrong? But then I remembered
what he had told me. He had come back to finish what
he had never done... to find the hand of God...."
Hikaru trailed off.
						
Akira stared at Hikaru. "So he found it," he said
softly, trying to contain a surge of envy. How many of
them were searching for it? And Sai had actually FOUND
it, only to disappear before sharing...

{ "I hve discovered a marvelous move, but the description of it won't fit
in the margin of this kifu."  - Fermat 9-dan just before his fatal duel.
:) }

Akira stared into Hikaru's gray eyes, seeing quiet
wisdom in them. 'When did you become so much wiser
than me?' he wondered. "So ghosts don't know why they
are here?"

{suggest something like}

'When did you become so much wiser than me?' he wondered to himself, then
said aloud, "So ghosts don't know why they are here?" 
 

"Maybe. But maybe they are here to complete unfinished
business, and when they do, they leave us... and we
carry on their legacy." Hikaru stared down in the
game. "If I want to find Sai, I just play a game, and
he's there, in my Go."

"And mine," Akira whispered. "We all change each other
by playing."

{ Bingo.  Kuwabara-honinbou said so explicitly, and I'll bet Touya-meijin 
knows too. }

Hikaru's eyes went wide in realization. "Does that
mean I'm in your Go?"

"Just as I am in yours," Akira said gently.

"Then if we need to find each other, all we need to do
is play," Hikaru said. He seemed reassured by the
thought.

{ heh.  As well he might.  :) }
 

"Half a moku," Hikaru said softly. "When they change
international komi, I'll win... but that's not the
same. I want to win at the game the way we play it."

Akira considered the final board. "Changing komi...
yes, that would change the game, wouldn't it?" he
asked softly. He had been ignoring the upcoming change
in rules, not wanting to think about the
repercussions. How many games would have been changed,
if komi was different? What would their games be like
in the future, when the new komi rule went into
effect?

{ I'm not sure the komi issue is necessary to the story, but I like it. }

"I can't make it," Hikaru told him. "But some other
day. And I'll win then. I'm playing you until I win!"
he pronounced fiercely, the way he always did. "And we
won't be changing komi..."

"And that means I should go," Hikaru said, standing up
and stretching. He gave an impish grin as Akira led
him to the door. He shivered a bit as Akira unlocked
the door for him, muffling a sneeze under his palm.
"Thanks for listening and not thinking I'm crazy."

"I do think you're crazy," Akira returned, a slight
smile playing over his lips, "but I also think you're
telling the truth."

{ hehe! }

"Stupid," Hikaru teased. "I'll see you later," he
said, then vanished through the doorway.

Akira watched him go before returning to stare at the
board which he  hadn't cleared. It was a brilliant

{ double space ^ }

game, one of their best... and they hadn't discussed
it. That was odd; usually he and Hikaru would be at
each  other's throats over perceived mistakes, but as

{ double space ^ }

he studied the board and lost himself in the patterns
of stones, he realized that they had brought
themselves to a new level.

If Hikaru had played a daidaigeima there, instead of a
keima... Akira considered the possibility, touching
the white stone.

{ What a difference a couple of spaces can make.  :) }
 

His cell phone interrupted his thoughts, chiming the
first few measures of "Catch You, Catch Me," and he
scowled at it. Two weeks ago, Hikaru had messed with
it, and Akira, never technically proficient, hadn't
been able to return the ring to something normal.
Besides, the looks of the faces around him when people
heard  TOUYA AKIRA'S phone play Card Captor Sakura's
opening theme had been priceless, and  he was tempted
to keep it permanently.

{ Even less necessary to the story, but almost as cute.  :)  The only
problem I have with it is that Hikaru is not technically proficient
either, as seen in the internet-Go arc... well, maybe he reset Akira's
phone ring while trying to order take-out or something. :) }

Absentmindedly, he answered. "It's Touya," he said.

"Touya-san?" said an unfamiliar female voice.

"Yes?" he asked cautiously, hoping that a telemarketer
hadn't managed to get his number.

The person started to say something he couldn't make
out, then the girl began to speak again. "Thi- This is
Fujisaki Akari," she said, speaking in a thick voice.

{ Hmm... trying to remember whether Akira ever met Akari (beyond being in
the same room with a bunch of other people) so that her voice would be
"unfamiliar", and then wondering if he would have between the end of the
anime and now... doesn't matter much, I suppose. }

What would Hikaru's former classmate be doing calling
him? he wondered, then realized that Hikaru had
probably turned off his cell. Akira opened his mouth
to tell her he had just left, but she began speaking
before he could.

"There... there was an accident," she said.

{Eeep.  But suggest}  "There's been an accident,"
 

He felt himself go cold, and a feeling if lead settle

feeling of lead {or suggest} leaden feeling

in the pit of his stomach. "What?" he whispered.

"Hikaru was on his way back from playing a game of
shidou-go this morning, but... it was raining so
hard... a car hit some water and it hydroplaned into
where he was waiting to cross the street..." she
continued, her voice wooden, with the deadness of
someone who hadn't completely accepted the truth.
"Touya san, he died instantly. They said he didn't
feel a thing."

{ EEEEK!  But suggest } Touya-san

"But... but..." Touya said, glancing out the window.
The night was heavy now, and if Hikaru....

No... impossible...

He wanted to tell her Hikaru couldn't be dead, that
Hikaru had just been there, playing a game, but he
suddenly realized that Hikaru had never touched a
thing. Akira had opened the door to let him in. He had
refused a blanket or food, and his touch had been like
ice and he hadn't placed his own stones...

"I wanted to tell you, I thought you had the right to
know," she was saying, but the phone slipped from his
fingers as he stared at the game, the impossible game
that he couldn't have played.

His rival...  

'Maybe they are here to complete unfinished
business...'

He remembered what Hikaru had said, suddenly realizing
the significance of his words. 

'Some other day. And I'll win then. I'm playing you
until I win!'

With shaking hands Akira began to clear the goban,
mentally picturing new moves, new counters. His
fingers began to lay out a new joseki, imagining how
Hikaru would respond.

Yes, they would play again.

Shindou Hikaru would keep his promise, and Touya Akira
had to stay ahead of him. He needed to get better. He
needed to make sure that Hikaru would never defeat
him... for if he lost, Hikaru would have no reason
left to stay.

{ Very compelling reasoning.  We are privy to a lot of Sai's thoughts on
their relationship, his worries about being permitted to stay and his
frustration with not being able to play himself, but Hikaru doesn't find
out until too late... what would he do to keep Sai if he thought there was
a chance of losing him? }

END

Author's Notes:

One of my favorite ghost stories is the one where a
dead relative/friend shows up to someone who doesn't
know they're dead and says all sorts of cryptic things
- sometimes a warning, sometimes a message left
unsaid. And the tale usually ends with the person
finding out that the relative/friend died just before
they showed up on the doorstep...

Sure, it's a classic.

Figured HnG would be great for it, and who better to
become a ghost than Hikaru? 	

I figured Akira COULD touch Hikaru, since it seems
like Sai shakes the heck out of Hikaru... if you can
see a ghost in the HnG world, it looks like you can
feel them.

I don't think so myself (I think the "shaking" is just for comic value
rather than something that actually happens) since many story points rely
on Sai's inability to affect material objects and that he can only be seen
and heard by Hikaru.  Also, I don't think it's necessary to this story for
Akira to be able to touch him.  Sai's even been shown not to get wet in
the rain, but that IS necessary to the story, since Hikaru needs a reason
for Akira to place the stones for him; we don't want to find out he's dead
until the end, as you have it.

But I'm not going to make a fuss about it.  Heck, Hikaru might be a
poltergeist.  :)

One more point: a lot of people in Japan are nominally Shinto, and many of
those are serious about it... and Shinto says ghosts are real, and even
common; they're around you all the time even if you don't see them.  If
Akira's been raised in some of the old ways (which wouldn't be surprising,
given what we know of Touya-meijin), he might well be less shocked by a
visit from a ghost than he is grieved by Hikaru's death.  You might want
to stress that last point more: Akira's grief might be lessened by
Hikaru's ghostly continuance, and it would fuel Akira's own determination
to keep from losing Hikaru completely, but it's still significant in
itself.  They were close. 

One reason I responded to this was that I was thinking about writing a
similar story myself, and now I won't have to; I doubt I would have done
it better than you did.  Thanks for writing and sharing! 

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.


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