Interesting.
The only thing I can, at the moment, suggest to improve the story, is to cut 
the end portion.  You're doing an infodump, and that is often a problem.

Unless you're doing a short story, it's best to break up the info as much as 
possible, and insert it as things go.  Spread it out.

BTW:  Keep working on this.  You get enough worked out, you 'might' be able 
to see a story based in this world, and go Pro.

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