Notes: I believe this (the prologue through part two) may be a
repost... I original pulled it from the FFML for fear it was going to
go too shonen ai for the audience base, but the end result actually
turned out more satisfactory on that end, though the yaoi fangirls
are disapointed in me. Can't win them all.

Rather than my usual post per chapter, the entire fic is chopped and
being post whole. Feedback is sought. This is here to prove that
contrary to popular belief, Aishuu CAN complete longer fics. ^_~

~ Aishuu



Aishuu Offers

Alter Egos

A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction

Shitsui@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.

Author's Notes: For Ari, a happy 24th. I love you, neesan. In all
honesty, I owe her a fic of her choice- this is just to acknowledge
that special day! So neesan, choose what you want, and I'll whip you
up something... and no, don't let Lyra convince you VIRGO is the way
to go- I do Yami and Furuba and CCS and other CLAMP stuff...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

PROLOGUE

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

The first time I met Tsukishiro Yukito, I immediately liked him. I
like most of my clients, but there was something about Yukito that
was special. 

Yukito sat in my waiting room, reading a college text. I glanced at
the title, and wasn't surprised that it was a translated copy of
Paradise Regained by Dante. Many of my clients tried to establish
themselves as more than they were by dragging in heavy books or
magazines, or wearing different clothing than they normally would. It
was part of the game, and what they didn't realize was that their
little pretenses told me quite a bit about them. Still, something
about Yuki told me that his reading choice wasn't a fa�ade.

I raised my eyes to study him, to gain a better impression. He was
dressed simply, in khaki pants and a pale tan shirt, and a watch was
on his left wrist. His shoes were clean, but not new, and he had a
leather bag beside him, one which had seen use, but like his shoes,
was in good condition. His hair was an odd gray, and his eyes were a
golden amber, which radiated quiet knowledge and good will. All in
all, I had the impression of a young man who was friendly, most
likely popular, and successful. I wondered what had brought him to
me.

"Tsukishiro-san?" I asked, even though I knew who it was. I made a
point of scheduling my new clients separately from other
appointments, since most people didn't want to be seen going to a
psychologist's office.

"Katashiwa-sensei?" he asked, sounding a little shy as he looked up
from his book, sneaking it into his bag.

"Call me Imiyo, and I'll call you Yukito," I said. "If we're going to
be working together, it's better that we're friends," I said, smiling
at him. It was the first step in the long process of establishing
trust.

"Thanks, Imiyo-san," he said.

"Would you like to come into my office?" I said. "And you can tell me
why you came? Usually I get referrals." Which was the truth. My fees
were steep, and it took most people quite a while to realize that
sometimes an expensive counselor was worth the money. I wondered why
Yukito had chosen me, out of everyone.

"Yes, please." He picked up his back, and rose to his feet, following
me as I led him to the office. I was careful not to let my eyes
linger openly on him, though part of me was very tempted to. Still,
he could be paranoid, which was something I saw quite often. 

My office was in comforting shades of off-white and green, decorated
with various primitive art that I had collected from around the
world. I only liked it somewhat, but it often served as a
conversation starter. Yuki settled into the chair that was situated
directly in the sunlight, something I noted with surprise. For some
reason, I thought Yukito would have chosen one of the darker seats-
he seemed to be a person of starlight, despite his sunshine colored
eyes. 

I checked myself, wondering why I was being so fanciful.

I arranged myself in my counselor's chair. It was just a bit larger
and more comfortable than the other chairs in the room, giving me
dominance. A small mind game, but then that was what my job was
about. "So, Yukito-san, do you want to tell me a little bit about
yourself? Or do you have any questions for me?" I asked, throwing the
ball into his court.

He blinked at me. "Aren't you going to evaluate me. Kata- Imiyo-san?"
he asked.

I gave him a slight smile in return. "No, you're here under your own
free will. You're paying for this hour, so you can choose how you
want to spend it, within reason. I have some clients who come here
just to rant about how lousy their month's been. Other people like to
debate philosophy. Most people who see me are depressed, have some
life problems, or a mental disorder, but I've been trained to deal
with quite a lot."

He looked at me, crossing his hands over his lap. "I-" He paused,
taking a deep breath. "I recently had my world view changed. It's
rather disconcerting."

I nodded. I'd dealt with many people who'd lost their faith and felt
unable to speak to their clergy about it. "Religion?" I asked, though
Yuki seemed a little young to be experiencing a crisis of faith.

"No, it's more complex." He stared at one of the Native American
dreamcatchers I had on my wall, his eyes lingering on the white
feathers. "For as long as I can remember, I was an average high
school student. Then one day, I met Kinomoto Touya, and his little
sister Sakura, and my life changed."

I just smiled a little to show interest, even though I knew this was
very important. "They became your friends?" I asked.

"More than that." He was quiet for another one of those lengthy
moments. When it became clear he wasn't going to say anything else
without prompting, I spoke again.

"Can you tell me a little about them?"

"Sakura's nine years younger than me... she's in six grade now. She's
just the cutest thing you ever saw. I always wanted a little sister,
and she became mine, even though she had a crush on me forever." He
smiled, and I heaved an internal sigh of relief. When he had
mentioned Sakura's age, I had wondered if he had a lolicon complex. 

"And Touya?"

Yukito gained a blush, but he looked straight at me with no shame.
"He's my boyfriend."

Ah. We had a winner, I thought. Yukito was homosexual, and having
problems adjusting, I thought. He was very effeminate, and his
delicate features made me wonder if people hadn't accused him of
being gay all his life. I began to run through all the support groups
I knew, and the standard therapy forms for it. "Did your family and
friends accept you?" I asked.

His eyes were vulnerable. "Those that know haven't been much of a
problem. Well, except for Yue, but..." Yukito seemed to retreat for a
second before focusing back on me. "We're quiet about things. If
people ask, we don't lie, but there's no reason to join the gay
rights movement. We're happy with things the way they are. Sakura and
Kinomoto-sensei have been tremendously supportive, and I think that
we may be ready to get more serious, someday soon. We've talked about
moving in together after college is over, but To-ya wants to stay
with his sister as long as he can. Their mother is dead, and she
really looks up to him."

I noticed that he wasn't talking about his family anymore. "And your
family?" I asked.

"I don't have any..." he said.

I nodded. Had I been of the old school of counseling, I would have
furiously been scribbling notes; I would, later, make a summary of
the session, but I was among those who believed that people became
uncomfortable when they felt their every thought was being recorded.
I was tempted to push, but this was just the first session, and our
rapport hadn't been established yet. "Is it your relationship with
Touya that has changed your thinking?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No, it's-" he hesitated again, took a deep
breath, and sighed slightly before meeting my eyes squarely. "It's
Yue."

"Who's Yue?" I asked.

"Yue is my other self," he told me. "I'm his false form. Until tenth
grade, I didn't exist. He created me to hide himself."

I mentally took a step back to think on what he said. From the look
in his eyes, he was being sincere, and telling the truth as he knew
it. "Do you want to explain to me a little about this?" I asked,
stepping carefully.

Yukito seemed troubled, and some of the good humor fled from his
eyes. "I... Yue is the true form of this body. He uses me to hide
away."

A while ago, counselors would have labeled such statements as crazy.
Now there was another diagnosis: dissociative identity disorder, more
popularly called multiple personality disorder. It was rare for a
person to realize they had it, and even rarer for them to come out in
a first session the way Yukito was. Part of me wondered if it was a
hoax, but my instincts led me to trust him.

There was something about Yukito that made a person want to believe
everything he said.

"I assume you came to me to discuss Yue?" I asked.

He nodded slowly. "I've been reading a lot of books lately, but... I
need to be able to talk to someone. I wake up with blank spaces in my
memory and no idea where I've been, and friends tell me about things
Yue did that I can't remember. It's scary- and..." he lowered his
thick lashes, breaking off.

"I've only dealt with a few multiples before. I think you need to see
a specialist if you want to work on integration therapy-" I
suggested. One of the most popular therapy techniques was to merge
personalities together to create a whole consciousness, something I
had never helped with and had only researched lightly. I certainly
didn't want to start with Yukito, who was already a rare case.

"No!" he said, sounding almost frantic before calming down. "I
mean... that won't work," he added a more politely. "Yue and I will
never be co-conscious... or merged. The best I can hope for is
coexistence."

"How do you know about Yue?" I asked softly. I wondered if there had
been any sort of communication between the alters at all.

"Touya and Sakura told me." His eyes fell onto the artwork, again
lingering on the feathers of the dreamcatcher.

The pieces fell into place, about why they were so important. "Does
anyone else know?"

"A few people... Sakura's boyfriend, her best friend, and..." he
trailed off.

"And?" I prompted.

"I'd rather not say. I'm still not sure what to think about it."

I nodded slowly. "I'm here to help you, Yukito. Still, if you want to
learn to co-exist with Yue, you should be aware that not all the
therapy will be easy. Some of it might even be painful..."

His smile returned, though there was more sadness than anything else
in it this time. "I know... you're going to want to find the cause of
my split."

I nodded slowly. "It does no good to treat the symptoms without at
least trying to look for the cause."

"Understandable... but sometimes the cause cannot be found."

I let that go... there would be time to pressure him later, if he
decided to continue with sessions. "I'd also like to meet Yue..." I
said.

Yukito laughed, a surprisingly bitter sound from such a gentle face.
"Yue won't want to meet you."

"Why? Doesn't he want to get along better with you?"

"He sees me as a tool, Imiyo-san. If anything happens to me, he'll
just create another false form." His eyes were still on the feathers,
and I wondered what he found so fascinating. Most people were drawn
to color, and the stark whiteness of the feathers was anything but.

I glanced at my watched, noticing that we had run ten minutes over-
something I rarely did. I had a good time sense, and managed to keep
things on schedule usually, but Yukito had entranced me. I resolved
to schedule him as my last client, should he continue to come.
"Yukito? I hate to do this, but the hour's gone. I have to get home
and walk my dog... she's a therapy dog."

Yukito glanced at his own watch. "We ran late. Do I owe you extra?"

"I charge by the session, not the minute," I chided him gently.
"Speaking of sessions, do you want to schedule another? Or is therapy
not for you? If you want, you can think on it and call my secretary
whenever you feel more comfortable."

"I'd like to continue," he said softly. "I need someone to talk to.
And I like you."


"I think you like everyone," I said, rising to get my appointment
book so we could work out the time for next session.


"Not everyone," he murmured so softly my ears almost missed it.


We arranged to meet in a week, and exchanged small talk as he headed
out the door. With a sigh, I stretched slowly before turning on my
tape recorder. My secretary, god bless her soul, would make notes
from my dictation since I was a lousy typist.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

September 6.

Just had the first session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Yukito is
a young man in college, no family, and homosexual attractions which
seem to be no cause of conflict. Boyfriend is Kinomoto Touya, and
Touya's younger sister, Sakura, seems to play the role of younger
sister to Yukito as well.

The interesting thing about Yukito is he claims to have a case of
MPD. Usually I would be skeptical of such openness, but instinct
leads me to believe him. I asked to meet "Yue", his alter, and Yukito
was not able to produce him. This leads me to more favorable opinion,
since many MPDs do not perform on command, contrary to talk show
circuit opinion.

A homosexual alter in charge of the body, one who has only existed
since tenth grade. I wonder what had inspired the creation of
"Yukito" and if Yue, who Yukito called the core, is the true core. I
doubt it; the first split should have occurred much younger, and I
would wager that there were more personalities Yukito isn't aware of.

One interesting thing is that Yukito claims to be the "false form" of
Yue. This wording is of interest to me, as Yukito is a very
intelligent young man who has done his own research on the condition
and would know the proper term should be alter.

Preliminary diagnoses is probable DID. Yukito should also be
monitored for depression. No immediate referrals are being made, as
Yukito has already denied integration with Yue. I will start to
research support groups for DID in the Tokyo area, particular young
adults.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

END PROLOGUE

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Notes:

MPD/DID is a much-debated condition. I wanted to do this on Yukito
because of my psychological background, but remember: the existence
of MPD/DID is in debate, much less its therapy! 


Aishuu Offers:

Alter Egos

A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction

Shitsui@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.

Author's Notes: Credit Xandra for nagging and Lyra for editing.

CHAPTER ONE

The second time I met Tsukishiro Yukito didn't go as easily as the
first.

That tends to be the way of things, I've found. In spite of what some
people may think, counselors are human, and we have our bad days,
too. Perhaps that's why I wasn't as perceptive as I should have been-
but I doubt it. Yukito and Yue are two of the smartest individuals I
have ever met, and they easily wove me into their web without even
consciously trying.

It would be a week after I would discover that Yukito had pulled me
into his reality, and later still that I would find out that reality
as I knew it truly didn't exist around Yukito.

But that would be in the next session.

I had had a very long day, and was thinking very much of a long soak
in a bath tub, a good movie, and my cat, Miss Lily, cuddling in my
lap as I watched it. Still, I knew I had Yukito coming as a final
client, and I needed to devote my full attention to him. Having a
split personality, as I suspected he did, was a serious problem, and
he needed nothing but my best. I did what I could for him, but
occasionally a client outsmarts a therapist- not often, since we're
trained to watch for it, but I had underestimated Yukito.

I would learn the error of my ways, later. His innocent face hid many
more secrets than I dreamed possible... secrets which would lead me
to question reality as I knew it. Still, I'm getting ahead of myself.

My 6 o'clock had left 10 minutes early, muttering about a dinner
dance she had to attend. She was an over-stressed socialite who
suffered from a panic disorder and OCD, and I was making slow process
with her. Her husband was the one who had issued and ultimatum for
her to attend therapy or seek a separation, and she wasn't
cooperating very well. I knew that the breakthrough would be quite a
while, but building trust between us was taking much longer than
I'd've liked. I was considering referring her to a different
counselor, since she was on the verge of actively disliking me, but I
wasn't sure that was the right step. All in all, it had been an
exhausting session.

The timer I kept on my desk went off, and I rose to collect Yukito. I
had heard him come in earlier, and I believed in punctuality- some of
my clients were obsessed by it. In a few meetings, I would be
deliberately late to see how Yukito reacted, but I wasn't at that
stage yet. I hated the mind games I played, but in the long run, I
needed them.

I had to have the upper hand. Still, at that second meeting, it was
Yukito who "won." It's sad that I have to think about winners and
losers, but there is a subtle game being played between therapists
and clients, and the secrets the clients have are the prize. Yukito
protected himself far too well for me to help him.

Yukito was again in the lobby, this time wearing a brown pull-over
and jeans that looked like they had been pressed. He was working on
advanced trig homework, and I noticed he was nibbling on his pencil
absentmindedly as he pounded a bunch of figures into the calculator.
He looked up as he saw me entering, snapping the book shut.
"Imiyo-san!" he exclaimed. Then his eyes widened slightly. "Are you
feeling okay? You look tired."

I blinked twice, unable to stop myself. There was a slight tenseness
around my eyes, but it wasn't anything most people would notice; it
was subtle. Yukito was perceptive and attuned to other people, which
meant I would have to be careful around him. Anything I said could be
turned against me. I had the feeling that though he was seeking my
help, if he decided something was wrong with my methods, he'd throw
back any of my missteps.

"I'm fine. It's called aging," I joked. "Wrinkles... it'll happen to
you, too," I teased as he shoved he materials into his bag.

"I'm not so sure," he whispered, but it was barely loud enough for me
to hear.

I didn't make an issue of it as we settled into the same seats.
Yukito's eyes darted back to the white feathers hanging from the
dreamcatchers, and I wondered if I should move it to see what else
would capture his attention. "Did you have a nice week?" I asked.

"It was fine," he said. "No different than any other."

It took a bit of effort to keep from frowning at that. That was a
cryptic sentence if ever I heard one. "Can you tell me about how your
week usually goes?"

He was silent for a second. "Are you starting the therapy now?" he
asked. 

"I need to know more about you," I replied diplomatically. Most
people hated being treated, even ones as cooperative at Yukito.

He nodded. "I usually get up in the morning, and eat. I eat a lot...
enough to feed three or four people. It used to be funny, but it's
not anymore." His eyes met mine, and I could see it wasn't out of any
concern for his weight. "I simply can't stop eating... and though I
love how food tastes, it'd be nice to know what it feels like to be
full. I spend thousands of yen a day on food." Yukito's eyes wandered
around the room, paused on that object I was getting tempted to throw
out the window, before returning to my face.

"Why do you think you eat so much?" I asked, pushing a strand of my
black hair behind my ear. Some psychologists might say he was
compensating for a lack of love in his life, but I was willing to
wager that there was another reason. Yukito was not a textbook case;
there was no such thing as a textbook case. People were unique to
themselves.

"I don't know," he said.

He was lying, my gut told me. I smiled at him and pretended to buy
it; now was not the time to confront him. "Really? That's unusual," I
said. "People usually have reasons for overeating- compensation for
something," I said. "It might be something to think about for our
next session."


He agreed, and I got the feeling that he'd agree to it if I suggested
anything. He'd find a way out of it, but Yukito was a person who
didn't like to disappoint anyone. I was starting to really care about
him, and something worried me. There was something dark inside of
him, and it wasn't just Yue. A fully-recognized alter, which I
believed Yukito himself was, had its own dark side as well.


I waited for a moment to gather my thoughts, before deciding I was
ready to press on. "Can you tell me what it is about Yue... About
what he looks like?" 

"I've never seen him..." Yukito told me softly before resting his
hands on his lap. He gave the impression of being utterly at ease,
but I saw that his knuckles were beginning to turn white. 

I nodded. "Well... Did he ever tell you what he looks like?" 

"No. Yue never talks to me. Whenever he comes out, I black out,"
Yukito informed me, and now the tenseness seemed to be traveling to
his eyes. 

I thought for a second. "How often does he come out?" 

Yukito thought it over before replying. "It depends. He comes out in
times of duress, or... Well, he's very fond of the moon. Do you speak
Chinese?" 

"No, I never learned. I speak English and some Latin," I replied. I
wondered where he was leading me. 

"'Yue' is Chinese for moon. He has a real affinity for the night and
the moon," Yukito said. "Sometimes, usually on clear nights, I'll
black out and... Well, wake up somewhere completely different place
well into the morning." 

"When you black out, do you have any clue what happened when you
regain control?" I asked, trying to gauge where he was on the MPD
spectrum. 

"No. Yue, though, is aware of everything." He met my eyes and there
was a deep sorrow in them, and he seemed to be aware of how
significant that was. 

Yue... Was most likely the core, I realized. Yukito... Was an alter.
Yukito hadn't been kidding when he said he'd been "created" around
tenth grade. It made me wonder if there were other personalities in
his mind, since it was unheard of for the first split to occur so
late in life. 

The thought made my stomach drop into my feet. I didn't want to
believe that the likable young man who sat before me wasn't "real,"
but I knew that it was probably true. "Yukito" was merely an identity
who bore the name of the body, but was not the "original"
personality. He was transitory... Someday, he might fade away, when
"Yue" decided that "Yukito" had served the function he had been
created for. It worried me, but I knew I had to accept it. I hoped
that Yukito's boyfriend could, and would be able to understand the
person he loved might suffer a strange form of death while his body
lived. 

"Are you able to communicate with Yue in any way?" I asked. 

"He talks to Sakura quite a bit... Sometimes Touya, but mainly
Sakura."

I wondered what Yue, this cold being that was gradually evolving in
my mind, had to do with a twelve year old girl. I wished I could
speak to him. "Would it be possible for you to give her a note to
give to him?" I suggested. 

He blinked at me, his glasses making the movement look slightly
owlish. "Sure.. But... Why would I want to?" 

"Because... Ask him to leave you notes when he leaves you somewhere.
Start carrying a small reporter's notebook and a pen, and you'll feel
a bit better. Keep an emergency kit on you- a phone card, 5000 yen,
that notebook, so if you wind up somewhere really weird, at least
you're not stranded." 

Yukito smiled shyly. "He hasn't stranded me anywhere... Yet." 

"Yet..." I pointed out. "But you're afraid he will." 

Yukito nodded. "He's so much... Stronger than I am." 

I smiled at him gently. "Strength is how we choose to define it,
Yukito-san," I told him softly. "We are as strong as we allow
ourselves to be. If you think you are weak... then you are weak. If
you believe you are strong... then you become so."

He blinked slowly, removing his glasses to polish them on his shirt.
Without them, his eyes looked wider and more innocent, and my
maternal instincts urged me to promise him everything would be
alright; that was the last thing I would ever do. I could never, ever
make a promise, since I had no way of knowing what the future would
hold for him. "You sound like Sakura-chan. She's always saying...
everything's going to be okay," he whispered softly, as though he was
reading my mind. "I hate to think of the day when she learns the
world isn't a perfect place..."

"We all hate to think of the day when a child is forced to grow up,"
I agreed, speaking softly. "It's our nature to want to protect those
who are innocent."

His amber eyes looked up at me, without the protective shield of his
glasses still, and for a second, I almost got lost in the sorrow I
saw there. "Sakura and To-ya don't deserve to have that happen to
them... though sometimes I wonder how innocent To-ya ever was... he
always...." Yukito broke off, and sighed. Then he replaced his
glasses, and a wall went up around him.


"Do you want to tell me a little bit about Touya?" I asked curiously.

Yukito blushed and shook his head. "Touya would hate it if he knew I
was talking about him. He's an immensely private person."

"It would help me gain a better picture of your life, Yukito-san," I
replied, wondering why he was suddenly erecting barriers around
himself. I was getting close to something he wanted to keep secret...
but what?

He shook his head again. "I'm sorry, Imiyo-san. Some things are
private.... Even for me."

I glanced at the clock; we had run over by five minutes. "Yukito,
there's a support group for multiples I'd like you-"

"No," he said softly. "I'd rather work one-on-one."

I blinked. He'd been very open at our first session, and I had
assumed he would be willing to go; careless of me to make
assumptions. "Okay," I agreed. "Shall we say same time next week?"

He agreed, smiling, and the warmth of his expression helped me
dismiss some of the uneasiness I felt about the last fifteen minutes
of our session.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

September 13

Second session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Some rather
interesting developments, none of which should be surprising, though
I do find them so.

Yukito reports an unusually large appetite, denied knowing reasons
for it when I asked why. I believe him to be lying.

I suspect that Yukito is not the core identity; rather, Yue or some
other personality is the true core, and Yukito is merely the
controlling alter. .He experiences blackouts whenever Yue takes
control, and Yue is known to be fond of doing so without warning.
Interestingly, Yue is Chinese for "Moon", and he seems to have a
preference for controlling the shared body on clear nights,
particular ones with the moons. Yue is also fond of Sakura and to a
lesser extent Touya. I do wonder about this; from the way Yukito
describes him, the best word to sum Yue up would be "distant".

Yukito is reluctant to speak too much on his relationship with
Kinomoto Touya; this actually reassures me that he IS a normal
patient. Patients who are too willing to help make me nervous.

 
END PART ONE


Aishuu Offers:

Alter Egos

A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction

mbsilvana@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.

Dedication: This one is for Xannee, part one of a birthday gift. ^_~
It's Dec. 15, but I figured I'd get the word out to everyone who
loves her.

 

 

 

CHAPTER TWO

The concept of time is an interesting thing, when you consider it. To
most people, it is a linear thing, finite. But to multiples, like
Yukito, time can be a scary thing, especially with the blackouts they
experience. I tried to understand what it'd be like to not be able to
lead a normal life, to have entire gaps in my memory when friends and
family would still interact with me, and yet have no control over
myself... 

It was terrifying. 

Still, time passes for all of us, and before I knew it, the week had
gone by, and my next session with Yukito had arrived. I had taken
some time to consider a strategy for dealing with him, and was
prepared... or so I thought. 

He was still three steps ahead of me, even though it would take me
weeks to realize it. 

I walked out into the waiting room, and to my surprise, it was dark.
I wondered if he had abandoned the idea of sessions; not that
uncommon, though disappointing. Yukito had come willingly, so I had
no way of calling him back, even though I knew he desperately needed
help. I nibbled on my lip, wondering if I should call his house and
see if he had left. 

"Imiyo-san?" a soft voice said. I blinked, nearly jumping out of my
skin. 

"Yukito-san!" I exclaimed, trying to not let on just how much he had
frightened me. "What are you doing here, sitting in the dark?" I
demanded, looking at the corner of the room where he reclined. Now
that I knew he was there, I saw him, lit by the early evening
moonlight. His features, already pale, were bleached to nearly white,
and I had the weird feeling that he was some otherworldly creature. 

"I'm sorry..." he apologized, sounding genuinely contrite, "I hadn't
noticed. I have very good night vision..." I heard the flutter of
pages as he shut a book and buried it into his bag. 

"You were reading?" I asked. "That's not good for your eyes, and you
already wear glasses," I chided him. 

He laughed softly. "My vision's not that bad... And Yue doesn't even
wear glasses, from what I understand. His eyes are even a different
color than mine." 

I blinked, wondering. This was more evidence that Yue was, indeed, a
fully-recognized alter, if not the core. Sometimes it happened that
alters had different vision, and even different eye colors. "What
color?" I asked, trying to imagine. Probably a dark brown, I
imagined. Or maybe even a hazel... 

"Blue," Yukito replied. "Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the
prettiest blue she's ever seen." 

I wondered how that was possible. There were just certain pigments in
the eyes that remained, and though Yukito would certainly look
striking with blue eyes, I questioned how they could shift that far.
"I'd still like to meet Yue..." I said, venturing bravely. "Can you-"


Yukito shook his head. "He won't like you." 

I had been expecting that. "It was a suggestion. Anyway, shall we
begin our session?" 

Yukito agreed, and we went into my office. 

I haven't taken down the dreamcatchers with white feathers, and
Yukito seemed as drawn to them as before. He golden eyes lingered on
them, and I wondered, not for the first time, what he found so
fascinating about them. The symbolism? The white? Did the feathers
hold some particular meaning for him? 

Or was he just avoiding me? 

"How have you been, lately?" I asked, opening up the session with a
question which I would try to make our routine. It put the ball into
his court, and allowed him to dictate the pace of the session; he
could give me the social answer, or he could give me a true answer.
After the last session, I was curious as to how he'd respond. I knew
now that he was the embodiment of the phrase "still waters run deep."
He had lied to me, and though I hadn't had the confidence to call him
on it, for fear he'd break off sessions, I knew that there was more
to Yukito than just a smiling face... and I didn't mean just Yue. 

Yukito had others troubles, the same troubles that a normal person
did. 

He actually took the time to consider the question. "I've been...
Well, things seem to be in a state of equilibrium. Thanks for
suggesting the note thing... It's really helping. Yue's only come out
twice since, but both times he's left notes..." His eyes darkened.
"His handwriting is different than mine. Even though I knew
intellectually to expect that, for some reason, I hadn't been
prepared emotionally for it. I really... Am only part of someone
else." 

Offering comfort is not a luxury a councilor is allowed. Honesty is
something we cherish, and we try never to lie outright. "That may be
the case, Yukito... But just because you're an alter doesn't mean
you're not a person in and of yourself," I said, trying to take the
middle road. "You've refused to let me help you try integration... So
you have to accept that you will never be a complete person. Maybe
someday you and Yue can understand each other... And see where the
split occurred." 

Yukito lowered his dark lashes to shade his eyes from me- they were
nearly black, a stunning contrast to his pale skin and silver hair,
and had he been a girl, I would have assumed they were false. When he
looked up again, he seemed to be serene again. "The split? That's...
Complicated. I don't remember it, and I don't think Yue knows the
details of it either... Merely that I am necessary for him to
function in the mundane world." 

Yukito was sparking my curiosity about Yue, naturally enough. Still,
this session was about Yukito, and I had to walk that line. "Most
people who have multiple personalities form different
personalities..." 

"...to cope with various tasks life challenges them with," Yukito
inserted, interrupting me. 

I hid my surprise at his rudeness. He was so soft-spoken that I
hadn't thought him capable of being impolite. He was so Japanese, so
proper, that I expected him to play by the rules, even though I knew
he was a multiple. 

Then again, multiples followed no rules, and I needed to remember
that. Behind his sweet face, turmoil had to lie. Only severe trauma,
usually sexual in nature, could lead to the splits that made a
multiple. 

I nodded. "That's what most psychologists believe." I took a sip of
the tea I had set out before the session, wondering if I dared to
venture more deeply into the subject, and then deciding to take the
chance. "The mind is a very powerful thing, Yukito-san. It can create
its own version of reality. There's been cases of mothers lifting
cars off their children, and people have been known to get better
simply because they believe they will. Mind over matter works
sometimes... Many people believe that multi-personalities arise from
the mind believing they exist." 

"It's all in my head, you're saying..." he said, and I heard a hint
of bitterness in his voice, which sounded wrong in his melodic alto. 

I knew I was losing him, and the tenuous trust we had managed to
build. "Yes and no. All of our perceptions of the world are in our
mind... As are our personalities. I'm not denying that your problems
are real; they are. The source of them, though, sprang from your mind
and how it chose to cope with a stressor at some point in your life.
Your mind create you; therefore you exist." 

"I think... Therefore I am?" he asked softly. 

I nodded. "That's it exactly. You are real as I am. If it was Yue who
created you, he believes in your existence. Therefore, you are real."
I looked at him directly. "You've stated that Touya and Sakura have
met Yue before... Don't they acknowledge the difference?" I was
taking a gamble, but from what he had told me, I believed that it was
worth it. 

He nodded slowly, and a faint blush touched his white cheeks.
"Sakura... she loves me- well, it was a child's crush that she's
grown out of." His eyes shone slightly. "It's a bit flattering that
someone as sweet as she would choose me for her first love." 

I smiled at him. "It's always nice to be liked. What does she think
of Yue?" 

"Awe... A bit of fear, and caring, but she cares for everyone.
Definitely different from how she sees me." 

I wondered how it was, to love someone and be afraid of their other
personality. Sakura had to be a very special person, to deal with
Yukito. Still, it wasn't her who I needed to truly know about. While
Sakura was an important person to him, it was Kinomoto Touya who
truly was the key to Yukito. 

"And Touya?" 

"To-ya?" I noticed the breathy pause Yukito used, and I remembered I
had heard it before. "To-ya... Is a bit more difficult to understand.
Sometimes I think I know exactly what he thinks; others he could be
as distant as the stars." 

I barely kept from saying that Yukito was probably out in space with
him, so they made a good pair. My patient had grown vague again, and
he was staring at the dreamcatcher again, though this time, I knew he
wasn't seeing it. "Tell me about Touya, then." 

"He's... Well, Touya's perfect." Yukito smiled gently. "He always has
a way of knowing things you don't want him to, but he never uses it
against you. He loves Sakura-chan very much, but I'm his most special
person. He'd die for me... And I'd die for him." Yukito's eyes grew
serious before he finished. "He's strong and gentle, has a wicked
sense of humor, and is fierce in his devotion." 

I smiled; it sounded like Touya was a creature of earth and fire to
Yukito's water and air. They would be perfect complements. "How
serious are you?" 

"When we're together, there's nothing else," Yukito told me. "Nothing
else matters except us." He gave me another smile. 

I look at him, wondering if this was the bloom of first love, or
something stronger. With all the suffering Yukito had known, whether
he was aware of it or not, I hoped it was stable. "How strong is your
relationship?" 

Yukito's smile faded slightly. "We've sworn to never let anything -
especially not Yue - come between us." 

I stared at him as he rose to his feet. "I've got to get going. I'm
going to be late - I'm going over to Touya's house to study for a
chem test." 

I waved at him. "Same time next week?" 

"Sure!" He called over his shoulder. He vanished out the door, and I
watched, wondering why he hadn't told me what Touya thought of Yue.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

September 20 

Third session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Progress continues with
therapy, though I'm still skeptical over how well he's really doing. 

He's a very bright, upbeat young man, but I've found that still
waters do run deep. How deep Yukito runs, I don't know, but I have
the feeling he's on a collision course for something he doesn't want
to admit to me. This is just my gut instinct; everything is
proceeding smoothly in therapy. I really should be glad he is so
cooperative. 

Yukito reports an equilibrium with Yue. Notes are being exchanged,
which means communication lines have been opened. Yukito is also
struggling to accept the situation - while he intellectually realizes
he is a multiple, coming to the emotional acceptance of that reality
will be much harder for him. 

Yukito has confirmed that Yue has different colored eyes. Yue's eyes
are reported to be ice-blue; since Yukito's are the color of my
favorite brandy, this is a bit surprising since I didn't believe it
possible. I know multiples may not share the same eye colors, but... 

The key to helping Yukito may well be Kinomoto Touya. While he has
admitted Sakura has acknowledged the difference between Yue and
himself, he will not elaborate on Touya, neatly evading the issue.
Touya is the most important person to him... I believe he referred to
him as his... "special person." 

Therapy will continue next week. I plan on introducing Yukito to "The
One True Thing" and seeing if mutual trust will work. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

END PART TWO

Go onto second post 




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If I could change anything
Then I would change everything
These bitter days shall remain

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