Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Xandra. A promise long in the keeping.
 
^^^^^^



CHAPTER SIX

I have only cancelled appointments twice in my career: once when my
mother died, and when I was so deathly ill I had to be admitted to
the hospital for eight days. On October 25, I cancelled all of my
appointments for a third time, knowing that I needed the time to
realign my perceptions of reality. I wouldn't have been any good to
my other clients anyway, and I refused to give them less than my
best.

Touya had left shortly after his dramatic challenge to me, giving me
his home phone number and telling me that I could call him if I
needed to. I added it to my electronic organizer immediately, but I
knew I would never use it. I had crossed that line, intruding on
Yukito's life, and I needed to try to maintain some boundaries. Touya
had intruded upon me, and it wouldn't be right for me to add him to
my support system. I would do this on my own.

Besides, after today, Touya probably wasn't going to be very eager to
talk to me. Yukito was going to go through a major shock, and he
wasn't going to like it a bit.

There are different types of therapy, and I preferred to be gentle in
my methods. Today though, I was going to be confrontational,
something I had been considering since the start. Yukito's lies had
finally been revealed to me, and I was going to shred them. It would
hurt him, and I regretted that, but sometimes a doctor had to hurt a
patient to heal him ultimately.

Sometimes something had to be completely broken before it could be
fixed.

Our usual seven o'clock appointment meant that I didn't need to worry
about getting to the office until six. I allowed myself the luxury of
sleeping in, and I dreamt of moonlight on the water--and feathers.
White feathers were falling all around me, but when I reached out to
catch them, they vanished before my fingers touched them.

My office seemed cold when I let myself in, and my eyes immediately
went to the dreamcatcher that had so fascinated Yukito. I knew now
that the feathers had captured his eye, though they paled beside the
pristine perfection of Yue's. I wondered if Yukito had ever seen any
of Yue�s feathers, or was just subconsciously drawn to them. 

Seven o�clock came too soon that night. I didn�t have enough time to
brace myself. Before long, I heard cheerful humming in my lobby, a
sure sign that Tsukishiro Yukito had arrived. I smoothed nervous
fingers over my green blazer, ran a hand over my hair, and walked to
the lobby.

I wasn�t sure what I was expecting, but Yukito was in one of the
chairs as usual, with a book open in his lap. There was no calculator
in sight, so I guessed it wasn�t a math or science text. �What are
you reading this time?� I asked.

�Ogura Hyakunin Isshu,� Yukito said, straightening his glasses.
�Japanese Literature class I�m taking this semester,� he told me.

His normal answer relaxed me. There was no sign of feathers or
anything mystical about him. He merely seemed to be just Yukito. I
wasn�t sure if that reassured me or not.

�Would you like to come back with me?� I asked.

�Sure,� he answered.

Yukito and I settled into my office with the ease of long practice. I
watched his facial expressions as he set his books down and then
looked up at me, pushing his glasses up with his index finger. They
had a habit of sliding cutely down his nose.

�How have you been, lately?� I asked, falling into our routine. 

His smile was as beautiful as it always was. He began to gesture as
he spoke, and I watched his slender hands as they moved. They were so
graceful, so perfectly sculpted that I could believe that Yukito
wasn�t a natural creation. I let him speak for a while, allowing him
to relax before I began to ask what I had needed to.

�Has Yue come out lately?�

�He comes out more rarely now,� he replied. Yukito leaned forward.
�My time lapses have decreased since I began seeing you.�

Distract me, I thought. Not a lie, but good avoidance.

�Yukito, what does Yue look like?�

He broke off. �He... he has blue eyes,� he said suddenly. �That�s...�

�What else?�

�I don�t know...� he said softly. His eyes shifted away, and I knew
he was lying.

"Liar," I said finally.

Yukito blinked at me slowly, his jaw dropping. "What? Imiyo-san, what
do you mean?"

"I called you a liar," I replied calmly, taking a sip of green tea.
Yukito... It's time you stopped lying to me, and to yourself. I'm not
sure if you even know how much you lie, or if you're consciously
aware of lying, but I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth."

He blinked at me, and I noticed his hands were trembling slightly. It
was one of the hardest things in my life not to get up and comfort
him, promise him that he could do whatever he wanted, that I would
protect him. Someone needed to drag him into reality, and I
unfortunately had been chosen for the position. �I�ve told you...
Imiyo-san.��

�I saw Yue,� I said flatly.

His eyes widened as his breathing quickened. �That�s impossible. No
one meets Yue.�

�You weren�t careful last night when you transformed,� I told him.
�And tonight you continue to spin your web of lies. I have to wonder
if you�ve ever told me the truth.�

Yukito flinched away from me, rising to his feet. �I--� He clenched
his fists. �Imiyo-san....� He glanced towards the door, and I knew he
was about to bolt. His pale face was tight with tension, and the
tremors that were wracking his body made me clench my teacup to
strengthen my resolve. He was so fragile that hurting him was against
my most human instincts, but I knew that as a counselor, I had to
press on.

�Yukito, if you don�t stop lying to yourself or others, I can�t help
you. That is, if you want to be helped. Or are you just here to live
in some kind of dream world, where you control your reality?� I
asked.� I�m sure it�s a very pretty world, but I�m a professional
psychologist. I can�t be your enabler. If you don�t start working
with me, I�m afraid I�ll have to terminate our relationship.�

�I--� he started, apparently ready to argue, but it was a sentence he
never finished. Beneath Yukito's feet, a golden circle formed, and
the hurt and anger on his face melted away as his body went slack. I
forced my face to remain neutral, but I knew what was happening. 

I was about to meet Yue.

The transformation seemed different, now that I was closer. The lines
on the ground formed an intricate sun and moon pattern, but they
didn't keep my attention for long, for the phantom wings emerged,
encasing Yukito and causing him to drift up, defying the law of
gravity. Within the protective shield of those wings some kind of
metamorphosis was taking place, and I held my breath. It only took
seconds, but each one seemed like an eternity before they parted and
Yue came forth, settling on the ground on bare feet the color of
snow.

Yue and Yukito were as different as two people could be, I recognized
immediately. Yue's eyes dissected me like I was a specimen he wasn't
sure how to take apart. Everything about him seemed to be more than I
was. The things I had in the room faded into insignificance, and I
felt I had take a step back from the world I knew as I stared at him
in sheer awe. Touya dominated a room without trying; Yue recreated it
in his own image simply by being there. He became the reality, and
the mundane seemed to be ridiculous beside him.

"Yue," I stated, acknowledging him to keep calm. I wouldn�t let him
take control of my room--this was my office, and no creature,
mythical or otherwise, would wrest it from me. "It's nice to meet you
face to face. I'm Kawashima Imiyo."

"I know who you are," he replied. His voice was as cold as the dark
side of the moon, forever denied the light of the sun. Still, it was
Yukito's voice, and that reassured me.

I nodded a bit, maintaining my seat and taking a sip of my tea. The
liquid soothed me, grounding me in reality as I forced myself to
swallow. "You are aware of everything Yukito is aware of, then." I
said.

He nodded. "He is my false self. Of course I am," he replied.

"Why did you choose now to come out?" I asked. My voice was level as
I met his eyes. Yue's eyes fascinated me. They weren't a true ice
blue, but rather that indescribable color of a winter sky; one moment
the ice blue Yukito had named them, the next shading towards
lavender. They were a shade I had never seen before and wished I
could capture somehow, a shade simply too perfect to be human.

But then Yue wasn't human.

He spoke after a pause, and it wasn't because he was slow; no, I had
the impression that Yue's intelligence far exceeded my own. Yue was
planning everything he would say, truly considering his words. I
appreciated that. There were too many people who spoke without
thought and regretted their words later. "Yukito was upset." 

"I won't apologize," I replied. "I don't like being lied to."

"This isn't about you," Yue told me, and he moved closer, and I had
to force myself to concentrate on breathing. His presence was
overwhelming, and I needed to remind myself that it wasn't a dream,
that this creature before me was real, and had in some way been
hidden inside Tsukishiro Yukito. "It's about Yukito."

"It is. And if I'm going to help him, I need you to work with him as
well..."

The coldness of his expression faltered for a second. "What?"

"I like Yukito, but he needs to stop hiding from the truth. He may
intellectually know he's your false form, and he may be coping with
it, but he needs to accept it in his heart. He needs to understand
what he is... and I get the feeling you've hidden much of what you
are from him, which doesn't help."

Yue blinked for a moment, and then he sighed a bit. His wings
extended, and then faded from view, as though they had never existed.
I blinked, wondering if I was dreaming. "Yukito wasn't supposed to
exist after the Final Judgment," he explained.

"What?"

"I was created to protect a powerful magical artifact. I'm called the
Judge, because that's my role... I judge the person who is worthy to
hold that artifact. Yukito was created to hide me until that moment.
When that moment came, the person wasn't powerful enough to support
me, so I faded back into Yukito's mind. Besides, that person loved
Yukito."

"Touya?"

Yue shook his head. "Sakura. She thought Yukito was the person she
loved most... it comes from being moon aligned. She felt my power,
and was drawn to him."

"Moon aligned?"

"You're strongly moon aligned," he told me. "Women are more inclined
to be, but you're more attuned than most. It explains why you are so
strongly drawn to Yukito. You feel the moon energy subconsciously and
gravitate towards it."

I snorted. I couldn't help it. "Right."

"It's true. Many people love Yukito because they feel the energy and
are unable to stop themselves from wanting to bask in its warmth."

His arrogance irritated me. "You, sit," I ordered.

Yue blinked in astonishment at me as I glared at him. The beautiful
creature seemed totally at a loss for how to react. It was apparent
that no one ever told him what to do. So he sank to the floor,
kneeling gracefully. I had intended for him to take a chair, but even
though his wings had vanished, he still behaved like he bore them.
There was a deliberateness to the way he moved, as though he was
taking the time to think five steps ahead.

"You may be right about me being moon aligned--I'll concede that
you're the expert there. But I'm the expert on human relationships.
The thing that draws us to a person won't sustain a relationship if
there isn't more than that initial attraction." I stared him down,
and Yue looked back at me. "Beauty, riches, charisma... These all
help, but for a relationship to truly work, there needs to be more."

Yue stared at me for a moment, and something in his eyes looked as
lonely as Yukito did. For a second, I saw Yukito superimposed over
him, and it was dizzying to me. "I wouldn't know," he said softly.
"I'm not meant for that."

"You just think you're not," I told him. "I'm sure Sakura was drawn
to Yukito's gentleness as well. He's a natural choice for a girl's
first crush. And that was what it was, wasn't it?"

Yue nodded a bit. "Yukito also told Sakura he reminded her of her
father, Kinomoto Fujitaka."

"Kinomoto-san must be a wonderful man, then." I smiled at Yue, and
Yue seemed to grow a bit distant.

"He is... he reminds me a bit of... someone who was once important to
me."
"Is there anyone who is important to you right now?" I asked softly.
"Aside from Yukito?"

"Sakura and Touya," Yue replied, then seemed surprised that he
answered me. "You're good," he said after a moment. "I don't know how
to deal with you. I've never... spent any time with an adult woman."

I wanted to confess I didn't know how to deal with him, either, but
now was not the time. Yue needed to see me as an authority figure.
Something about the way he was acting made me thing he was very
lonely as well. What would it be like, I wondered, to have to hide
behind a false form? I gave him a firm smile, coming to a decision.
"I'm not sure exactly what you are, Yue, but you and Yukito...
there's no separating the two of you. So you're both my client,
because Yukito sought me for help." 

"You called him a liar," Yue accused, and his face hardened.

"Isn't he?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow quizzically. "The truth
hurts."

Yue nodded after a second. "But why didn't you try to be more
gentle?"

"Because a wound needs to be cauterized by fire," I told Yue. I
stared into his face, and saw the saw shape and structure of
Yukito's. "I am not always nice, Yue, but I did what I had to." I
rose to my feet for the first time in the session, coming over to
kneel next to Yue, even though it felt decidedly odd to approach this
alien being. But the loneliness in his eyes was the same as that
Yukito wore, and I knew that Yukito had to come from somewhere. �I
can�t separate the truth from the lies, Yue,� I told him. �Yukito
needs to start telling the truth for his own good, and stop living in
a fantasy world. I don�t know why he came to see me, but he spun me a
fantasy world... and I can�t, in good conscience, let him get away
with it.�

Yue nodded slowly, lowering his eyes. �I...I think he just wanted
someone to be on his side. Everyone has accepted that he was a false
form of a magical creature, but that means he�s not human. It�s a
terrible blow, but by accepting my existence, Sakura and Touya have
almost chosen me over him.� He raised his eyes, and the intensity in
them scared me. 

�Emotions are a funny thing,� I said. �But...he hasn�t accepted you.�
I stared at Yue. �Are you going to let him fade away?�

Yue shook his head. �Even if I wanted to, I don�t think I could
anymore. His sense of self is too strong.�

�Do you want to?� I demanded. 

Yue was quiet. �No. I like him. When he lives, I share his life, his
dreams, his feelings--it�s a wonderful thing. He�s everything I�m
not.�

I wondered about that. Yue was distant and divorced from humanity,
but Yukito was one of the most human people I had ever met, embracing
life with a passion that was unmatched. Yue and Yukito
are�compliments, in some way I didn�t understand? 

Or the same person, living in a dream?

�You need to make it clear you won�t erase him,� I told Yue. �One of
the reasons he doesn�t like you is because he fears you. He has a
very strong will to live, and he fears that you�ll decide he�s
unnecessary.� 

Yue sighed. �I wanted to remain apart from him, but circumstances
keep drawing me closer.� 

�Then don�t deny the pull,� I said.

Yue turned his eyes towards me, and I shivered a bit. �I... Yukito
will never let that happen. Even if I was able to convince him that I
won�t absorb him, he will never forgive me for what happened to
Touya.�

�Touya?� My mind flickered back to the dark teenager who had appeared
on my doorstep. 

Yue glanced down at his hands, which were folded neatly in his lap.
�When Sakura claimed the artifact I guard, she became responsible for
sustaining my existence, magically. I depend on my master�s power.�

�You... feed off your master?� I asked. I forced my initial revulsion
aside, knowing that my ignorance of magic left me in no place to
judge.

Yue shrugged. �My creator always told me that the sun shines on its
own, but the moon reflects. I am the moon, and I reflect the light of
my master. I don�t have the power to support my existence. It is my
master�s duty to support me magically.�

The pieces were falling together. �Sakura is just a little girl....�

Yue nodded, and his long bangs obscured those eyes I found so
intriguing. �She couldn�t. She will someday have the needed power,
but she didn�t have the power needed. So Touya offered his own.�

I blinked. �Touya has magic?�

Yue raised his eyes, and I saw the sorrow there. �Had. Touya was a
particularly powerful seer; he could see spirits, and always knew
about what was going on around him. It�s a strong gift, knowing the
present, perhaps even more powerful than knowing likely futures. He
was able to control his environment, and there�s a lot to be said for
that.�

I nodded, considering that. �To always be in control--I know many
people who would sell their souls for that ability.�

�Touya sold his soul for Yukito instead,� Yue said, and I knew Yue
wasn�t being melodramatic, but speaking the truth as he saw it.
�Yukito was dying, and to keep him alive, he gave me his magic.
Yukito can�t exist without me.�
�The shadow can�t exist without what gives it shape,� I said softly,
before turning to Yue. �But none of us exist without shadows, Yue.� 

Yue jerked a bit, and I saw surprise in his face. �What?�

�Nothing in this world exists without a shadow, when it is hit by the
light,� I said. �Plato and the cave�Touya spoke to me about it, when
he was telling me about your nature.�

�Which is real?� Yue said. �I�m familiar with it. My creator was fond
of philosophy, and we�d spend hours debating it. Eastern or Western,
it didn't matter where it was from��

I smiled, thinking of another philosopher I was fond of, one of the
few I bothered with. �Have you heard of Chuang Tzu?� I asked.

Yue thought for a moment. �Not offhand.�

�Many people don�t actually know his name. Actually, I think�� I rose
to my feet, feeling a bit awkward next to the preternatural grace Yue
had displayed and went to my desk, scribbling something down on a
sheet of paper. �Give this to Yukito when you think he�s ready,� I
told Yue as I handed it back to him.

�What is it?� Yue asked.

�Go ahead and read it.�

The winged man opened it slowly, as though it would bite him if he
wasn�t careful, and maybe the idea inside would. He read it quickly,
and his hand tightened on the note minutely. �Ideas are dangerous
weapons,� Yue said softly.

I nodded slowly. �There�s a reason they say the pen is mightier than
the sword.�

�Words are cruel things,� he whispered, finally coming to his feet,
and even though he wasn�t a tall being, I felt dwarfed by his
presence. �Especially the ones that we never say.� He was silent for
many long moments, lost in his memories before he spoke again. �I
need to be going. The longer I stay, the larger the gap in Yukito�s
memory.�

�Yue�� I whispered, and he hesitated, his hand lingering over the
doorknob. �I only want what is best for you� both of you.�

He smiled, a slight twitch of his lips. �I know. Somehow that makes
all this bearable. But you know what the road to hell is paved with.�
The door opened and closed, and he moved silently through it. Then he
was gone as though he had never been there at all and had only been a
figment of my imagination.

I stared at the door Yue had used, finally allowing myself the luxury
of tears. "Did I do the right thing?� I murmured to myself.
 
^^^^^^



October 25

Personal Diary of Katashiwa Imiyo

Meeting Yue tonight face-to-face was certainly an interesting
experience. The previous night had seemed like a dream, outside of my
realm, and tonight had retained some of that quality, but since he
was in my territory, I can�t deny it had happened.

Yue is real. I have no clue exactly what he is, but he is not human,
he is a creature of magic, and he is my problem to deal with.

Of course, dealing with Yue means dealing with Yukito; this is my
goal. Yukito is my patient, which means Yue is part of the deal.
They�re a matched set, and though I can�t quite decide if they are
the same creature of two beings sharing one body, I know that I had
to finally bring Yukito to the confrontation point, which is always
my least favorite thing. I allowed him to lie, until the point where
he mentioned Yue, and then I confronted him with the truth that I
knew about Yue.

This had, as I hoped, brought Yue out.

It was� scary.
 
Yue�s anger towards me is nothing I ever want to experience again,
but he quickly calmed down. Yue has been severely isolated socially
and understands very little on how relationships work. He is a
creature of magic and uses magic to explain everything, even where a
mundane explanation would work. He seems to be locked in a deep
depression over the death of his creator. He is tightly bound to
Sakura and fond of Touya, which lead me to believe that Yukito and
Yue are not are far apart mentally as they may like to believe.

If Yukito takes the bait and returns, I will be able to work with
them both on accepting each other. Yue is protective towards Yukito;
Yukito is angry towards Yue for his actions towards Touya, which were
a matter of survival and apparently done with Touya�s full knowledge.
I don�t quite understand how magic works, so I would need to ask more
questions to fully understand the situation.

Counseling remains at the pivotal stage. We�re at the breakthrough
point. Either Tsukishiro Yukito will return voluntarily for more
counseling and ready to let me help him, or there is nothing I can
do. I have no predictions. I do not know which way he will move,
since I�ve never dealt with a person who was not human before.

I hope he comes back� but I don�t know.

I simply don�t know what will happen.
 
^^^^^^
END PART SIX
^^^^^^

Author�s Notes

Oh, I am bad, bad, bad....

Yes, counselors WILL occasionally try this kind of therapy - it�s
rare, though. Usually they try to �build a person up.� However, this
is �forcing Yukito to look in a mirror� and it�s not real nice. This
is similar to an intervention. Poor Imiyo got the role.

Cultural Notes:
Ogura Hyakunin Isshu is a collection of 100 poems, all of them pretty
classic. English Translations are available:
http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/japanese/hyakunin/ 

Chuang Tzu: Will be explained next part. Go ahead and look it up if
you want, but... ^_~

Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Krystal. It's been a long road, baby.
	
^^^^^^


CHAPTER SEVEN
				
I loved Saturdays best of all, because I knew I'd be able to sleep in
the next morning. I usually took Himitsu for a late-night walk, and
she would be fine until around ten, giving me a chance to lounge in
bed. It was my indulgence for the week, because I would stay up till
2 a.m., reading or answering letters or watching a movie. It was my
"me time" that I recommended to all my clients that they set aside
for their own mental health.

It had been two weeks since I had seen Yukito, and I admit I wasn't
thinking of him then, though he did frequently cross my mind. Still,
life did go on, and my life wasn't about Yukito. It was about Imiyo.
While it was impossible to completely separate myself from my work,
there was a certain distance I had to maintain to keep a grip on my
sense of self. 

That particular Saturday had been a good one. I had gone out shopping
with my two closest friends, indulging on clothing for a date I was
having the next day. I had been seeing Yoshitaka for three months,
and though neither of us was interested in marriage, it was a
pleasant relationship that I could see sinking into a deeper
understanding. I liked him, he liked me, and we both found each other
attractive and compatible.

I came back later than usual, feeling a bit run off my feet, and
luckily Himitsu was contented with a quick walk around the block
rather than our usual mile. I made a mental note to take her to the
park before my date the next day and toss a ball around with her. I
felt like going to bed earlier than my usual time, and since it was
Saturday, I could be flexible.

I was considering that thought when there came a tapping on the door,
slow and uncertain at first, then gradually increasing in volume
until it became frenzied. I blinked once, wondering why my visitor
hadn't bothered with the doorbell. I went to the door; my curiosity
peaked. The door was starting to shake on its hinges, so it most
likely wasn't a salesperson. Whoever it was desperately wanted to see
me.

Cautiously I peeked through the spy hole, and my breath caught.
Yukito was leaning against the door, his head tilted downwards as he
repeatedly slammed his fist against the door. His gray hair hid his
expression and his posture was slumped.

Something had happened, something momentous to bring him back to me,
literally to my doorstep.

My fingers fumbled with the locks, trying to get through before
Yukito had a chance to change his mind and left. My weariness melted
away and I realized that this was his turning point, and what I did
in the next few minutes could change his life. A heavy weight rested
on my shoulders and I found it hard to breathe.

The lock gave way, and Yukito looked up at me with lost eyes.
"Imiyo-san," he said, staring at me. A piece of paper slipped from
his fingers, but I ignored it, preferring to deal with him directly.

"Yukito-san," I said cautiously, unsure of what he was about to do
next. The set of his jaw was tense, and I wondered if he broken
beyond repair. "Can I help you?" I asked.

"I..." he began, but fell silent, glancing at the paper on the floor.
After a moment, I recognized it as stationary from my desk, though it
had been crumpled from being clenched too tightly.

Without a word, I picked up and read it aloud, even though I knew
what it had said. It was the one I had written myself and given to
Yue two weeks ago. "A man dreamt he was a butterfly flying happily
among trees. It was such a vivid dream that when he awoke and found
himself a man, he did not know for certain that he was not really a
butterfly dreaming he was a man." 

"I found it last night," he said softly. "Yue must have left it for
me... But it's your handwriting, isn't it?" 								
I nodded. "I gave it to Yue to give to you when he thought you were
ready to see me again," I said softly. "Do you want to come in and
sit down?" I asked. 

"I... Yes." I stepped back so he could enter. The way he glanced
around nervously as he came in reminded me of a nervous deer, about
to run at the slightest sound. My apartment was warm and homey. I
hoped the lavender incense that I had burned earlier in the day would
help relax him. 

"Can I get you something to eat or drink?" I offered, lingering
between him and my favorite chair. I needed to do something as a
hostess, to put this on a social level. This was my house, and I
didn't feel right not offering hospitality.

"No, no," he said hurriedly. "I shouldn't have barged in so late,
but..." Yukito shifted in his chair uncomfortably.

"It's fine," I assured him, taking my chair. I smoothed my dress over
my knees before looking at him. "Are you a butterfly, or are you a
man?" I asked after a long silence when it became clear that he
wasn't going to say anything.

He leaned forward, burying his face in his hands. He looked defeated,
and I wondered if Yue had been wise to give him my message... was he
ready? Could he really embrace his nature?

"Yukito?" I pressed.

"I don't know anymore," he said softly, and then he looked at me. 

He wasn't crying at all, and that worried me. He should have been.
Any sane person would have been if confronted with the fact that he
was the creation of a magical being. He should have been raging
against what life had dealt him, but all I saw was a quiet sorrow and
helplessness. 

Had he given up? Was I Yue's last hope in keeping Yukito from going
completely insane? Was Yukito too broken to be fixed? These thoughts
raced through my head, as I wondered if confronting him with the
truth had shattered him beyond repair. Perhaps Yukito had been meant
to live in a fantasy world, one where no pain could touch him...

...but he had come to me first. He wanted help.

This knowledge steeled my will. "Yukito, what happened last night?
Why did Yue leave it for you?" I asked.

"I... I transformed into him after another fight with Touya," Yukito
whispered. I noted how he wasn't calling Touya by the nickname he
normally used. "He must have gotten it then, because I was only out
for a few minutes. I haven't been able to think of anything else
since I read it."

"You fought?" I asked, seeing the heart of the issue through his
babble. I had never imagined Touya fighting with Yukito, but perhaps
my grasp of the dynamics of their relationship was wrong...

Yukito averted his eyes, unable to meet mine directly, and posture
increased as he straightened. His slender body was stretched so
tightly that I feared the slightest pressure would cause him to snap.
"Not a fight, exactly. Touya doesn't fight... he just... well, he
knows things and demands you not deny them, and it's uncomfortable." 

I decided it was time to confess. "I found him to be a disquieting
person, but we need people like him in the world. They're the ones
who are - wise, and it makes us want to challenge what we are and
become more. They force us to confront ourselves." 

He caught onto what I was implying immediately. "You've met Touya?"
he asked, sounding betrayed. 
								
I nodded slowly. "He came here that night I saw Yue to knock some
sense into me. Yue sent him, but I have the feeling he probably would
have come and introduced himself eventually. He... really seemed to
be weighing me." I gave Yukito a crooked grin. "I haven't been so
thoroughly analyzed since I was going through my licensing." 

His hands clenched and unclenched several times as he tried to find
the right words to say. "He... always seems to be watching out for
me," he murmured after a moment. "Though I hate how he and Yue
conspire against me." 

"Against you?" I echoed, keeping my voice carefully bland. 

"It seems like there's a great conspiracy to keep me innocent. I
wasn't allowed to participate in some of the largest decisions in my
life. Imiyo-san, at one point, I was in danger of dying because
Sakura didn't have enough magic to support Yue's existence." He bit
down on his lip so hard I was afraid it was going to start bleeding
before continuing. "But Touya had magic, too, enough magic to sustain
us... and he gave it away. He didn't even tell me what he was doing."


"He had to give it to Yue, didn't he? Not you?" I asked. The picture
of Yukito's life was starting to shape for me, and now I was starting
to understand the sorrow I saw in face. 

"He... damn him, he just did it, and Yue accepted!" he exploded, and
for the first time, I saw him angry. He rose to his feet, terrible
and angry. Suddenly, I saw Yue in his face. The appearance was
dangerous and entrancing, as was the distance from humanity. He was
too wonderful in his rage, icy cold and foreboding. "It's my life,
too! I have a say in what happens!"

His eyes sparkled with a cold light. If he had been Yue, I would have
wondered what magic spells he would have cast. Instead, I smiled at
him; glad to see there was enough will in him for him to be angry.
"It is," I told him. "But it's Yue's as well. If he hadn't accepted,
you both would have faded away into nothing!"

"Maybe I would have preferred that! How can I continue to live this
half life?" he demanded. He started to pace the room, and my eyes
followed him. He was transforming in front of me, from a broken young
man into someone with enough strength to be Yue's other self. It was
fascinating to watch.

"You have things to live for," I told him. I wasn't worried that
Yukito was suicidal--this was different. This was similar to the
guilt of transplant recipients and other survivors. Survivor's guilt.
Anger. Guilt. Loss--he was grieving. "You and Touya..."

"There is no me and Touya!" he snapped back at me, and suddenly he
fell back in the chair, losing what little color he had.

"What happened?" I asked calmly, drawing on my years of experience to
keep calm. If Touya had abandoned Yukito, things were much worse than
I thought. 

Yukito lost all of his passion, and merely stared down at his feet.
"There never was a me and Touya," he said softly after a moment. "You
were right to call me a liar."
		
I knew Touya loved Yukito, but it wasn't my place to say it. It was
obvious from how Touya had reacted that night that Yukito was
important to him, and I wondered how anyone could not love him. But I
was the counselor, outside of the situation.

I shut my eyes for a long moment, trying to rearrange everything in
my head. I had to respect Touya for being wise enough to recognize
that Yukito wasn't ready for a relationship until he got his issues
with Yue sorted out. Yukito needed Touya, but Touya was caught in
limbo. He couldn't do anything until Yukito was stable enough to be
an equal partner if he wanted a healthy relationship. The counselor
in me recognized this, but I still wanted to strangle Touya for
letting this go on for so long. "How much of what you told me was the
truth, Yukito-san?" I asked softly.

He looked dreamy as he spoke to me, apparently lost in his own
musings. "How close can you get to someone without becoming a lover?
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a beloved? Whatever it
is, Touya and I walk that line, always passing but never quite
touching." He looked at me directly in the eye. "I'm sorry for lying
but I think in your office, I wanted to pretend it was the truth..."

"My office isn't the place for fantasies," I said sternly. I wasn't
going to back down.

"I know," he said. "But... if I don't know who I am, then what is a
fantasy? Can't everything be the truth? What is the truth?"

"I'm not going to give you an answer, Yukito-san. You tell me," I
ordered. The air became tense between us. 

His eyes swam with tears that he didn't shed. "I..." 

I wasn't going to let him break down, not without a reason.
"Yukito-san." 

He stared at me, and suddenly a smile, perhaps the first one he had
offered since I had intentionally destroyed him, came to life. It
wasn't full of the sweet innocence of before, but I liked it better.
It was one of someone who had grown, and it was beautiful. "That's my
answer. My name... is Tsukishiro Yukito." There was a pregnant pause
before he spoke again. "And I'm the shadow form of Yue the Judge." 

Then he broke down, falling forward out of the chair to his knees.
Tears streaked his pale cheeks as sobs tore at his body, seeming to
try to shake him apart.

I rose out of my chair, coming forward to embrace him; finally able
to offer him the comfort I had been denying the both of us. "And now
your healing can begin," I whispered, brushing his hair out of his
eyes as he cried into my shoulder. His body was warm and strong, and
I wondered if I would ever be able to make this young man whole. 

"How?" he demanded. "I'm only half of a person." I rocked his back
and forth, much like my mother had done when I was little to offer
him comfort. It occurred to me that no one had ever been his mother
and no one had ever tried to offer him a maternal hand. We had passed
the boundaries of client and counselor, and there was no going back. 

"I don't know, Yukito-san," I whispered to him. "You're like no one
I've ever met, but then no one is like anyone else." 

His tears continued for a while longer, but even the greatest
emotional storm had to cease. When they faded to mere shudders, he
pulled back to look me in the eye through his glasses, and I took
them off, setting them down on the coffee table beside us. Without
them, his face lost many of its barriers. His amber eyes were red-rid
from his crying-jag, but somehow he was still beautiful. 

"Imiyo-san," he said quietly, "I'm scared. I don't know what to do." 

"Neither do I. But we'll figure it out," I gave him another smile,
one which I hoped showed him the maternal love he needed. Maybe that
was why he chose me, out of all the counselors. Maybe it was fate or
magic that had brought us together. After all that had happened, I
knew that there was more in this world than I had dreamt possible a
month ago. "Counseling sometimes takes years to work. I'm willing to
stay the course, if you're willing as well." 

He nodded. "I'm trapped," he whispered. "You're the only direction I
have left to go." 

I shook my head fiercely, holding onto his shoulders firmly, knowing
he needed the warmth of my hands to ground him. "That isn't true. You
have Touya, and you have Yue. They may not be the easiest directions,
but someday, you'll have to go towards them as well." 

Yukito looked terrified of the idea. "I..." 

I hushed him gently by covering his mouth with my right hand. "I said
someday. You can go towards me right now, and we'll figure out the
truth together, but that's my condition. I don't know if I can be a
traditional counselor for you - we've broken too many rules. But I
can be a mentor and your guide, which may be something you need more.
The only thing I ask is that you don't lie to me anymore." 

He nodded slowly, and I recognized the hope dawning in his eyes. "No
more lies," he promised, then he gathered me in his arms and embraced
me. There was a desperation in it, and I knew that I had suddenly
become one of his anchors in this crazy world which had created a
young man out of moonlight and magic. 

I ignored my misgivings and hugged him back. I didn't know if I
believed he was Yue dreaming he was Yukito or Yukito dreaming he was
Yue, but I knew that this young man needed me... and I wanted to help
him. His beauty, his quiet ways, had drawn me to him, but I had seen
glimpses of a tormented and lonely soul that called to me. 

I was a counselor, but also a human being. That was my duality, a
duality that had entwined me into his life. Perhaps that duality
would help me understand him, or maybe it wouldn't, but it didn't
matter. All that mattered was that Yukito was ready to start
confronting the truth of his existence, and that he was strong enough
that the truth wouldn't break him. 

HERE ENDS ALTER EGOS

Notes:

Chuang Tzu: Taoist Chinese called the "butterfly philosopher" he was
most famed for his butterfly dream.


Note: Formatting issues on this one can be blamed on my new
wordprocessing program... I still haven't worked out all the bugs in
it... I want my old computer back.... >_<

=====
If I could change anything
Then I would change everything
These bitter days shall remain

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