Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: This one is for me. Because I need to remind myself that
I write for me as well.

CHAPTER THREE

 

I heard the door to the lobby open, and instead of going to get him,
I decided to let Yukito make his own way in. "I'm in my office! Come
on in!" I called, frantically scribbling notes from my last
appointment. The OCD socialite had tried my patience, challenging me
at every turn, and I was looking forward to Yukito's gentleness. 

He appeared moments later, swinging his bag a bit as he popped into
the room with amazing energy. His smile was warm as he waved and
headed over to a chair, settling himself after glancing at the
dreamcatcher on the wall. I hadn't given into the temptation to move
it, though the devil in me had had to be ruthlessly suppressed. 

He blinked a bit, trying to adjust to the dim lighting of the room.
"Hello, Imiyo-san." 

I gave him a relieved grin as I shoved Kanna�s file into a drawer.
"Hi, Yukito-san!" I rose to my feet and walked across the room with
relative grace, pausing to grab my cup of lukewarm green tea from the
windowsill where I had left it. "How are you feeling?" I asked. 

He rolled his eyes a bit. "Could be better. Getting over a winter
cold - I always get them this time of year, and I just had a killer
test in calculus. I really hate calculus." He frowned a bit.
"Everyone thinks I'm naturally gifted at school, but I do have to
spend a lot of time studying." 

"You don't like math?" I asked curiously. 

He grinned a bit. "I like it!" he protested. "I just hate this unit.
I'm rather of the opinion that Sir Isaac Newton should have been been
dragged into the street and shot... Repeatedly." 

Laughter burbled out of me. "I didn't know you were so violent!" I
teased. 

"I'm not. But when you put imaginary numbers in front of me, I make
an exception." 

I placed my finger against my chin thoughtfully. "It's strange how
people surprise you. I would have thought you'd like math... It's
logical." 

"Logic is one of the last things that enters into my life," Yukito
said quietly. 

"Care to expand on that?" I prodded. 

"Not really." He seemed reflective before speaking again. "It's been
a long week. I feel a bit numb mentally, actually. Too much stress." 

"Then how about a game?" I suggested. I had been waiting for an
opening. 

He shifted forward, his eyes lighting up a bit. "A game?" 

I had instinctively sensed that Yukito would be up for games. There
was something playful about the way he rose to my teasing. "Well,
it's a version of truth or dare, actually... But since I'm a
counselor, it's all about truth," I said. 

He fell back into the chair, and I saw him curl into himself. "Truth
is a frightening thing." 

I wasn't surprised he realized it. Many of my clients did, since they
had known trauma. It was only the innocent who didn�t realize the
dangerous nature of truth. "And that's what makes the game exciting,"
I said. I took a sip of my tea, swirling around the bit that remained
in the bottom of the cup. "The challenge is to answer with the
truth... That's the dare." 

"What are the rules?" he asked reasonably enough. 

He was biting, I thought. 

"The rules are simple. Usually I use it in group sessions, but since
we're playing together, we'll up the ante a bit. I'm going to play,
so we'll just ask each other. The game is called 'The One True Thing'
and it begins by a player stating a true thing about themselves. The
other responds with a true statement on the same topic. It's pretty
easy... And hard." 

He considered it, and I knew he was smart enough to see all the
angles right off. "It's a trust game - and a game of wits. Reveal as
little about yourself while getting the other to state more about
themselves." 

I nodded to encourage him. "We can also ask a bit more, to elaborate,
if we're curious, but after you state the truth, you don't have to do
anything more." 

"We take turns starting?" 

"Yes. I'll begin to show you the way it works. All statements begin
with 'The One True thing..." 

"Kind of like jeopardy!" Yukito exclaimed, and this time his laughter
was a bit forced. 

"I hope you don't feel this is like that! This is supposed to build
trust between us. If it makes you truly uncomfortable, we can stop,
but it will push the boundaries of your comfort zone a little. We
won't get anywhere with your therapy if we don't take a moment to
explore yourself � and yes, that will make you uncomfortable at
times. Self discovery is not a smooth path." 

"What about you, Imiyo-san?" he asked, and I smiled at the concern in
his eyes. "If you're sharing truths..." 

"Yukito, to be a therapist, I have to know myself. I know about the
dark and shallow parts of myself, and I've reconciled myself to
them." 

He nodded, and gave me that sweet smile of his that was so
appealingly innocent. "I'll play." 

Success! I thought. It was through years of training that I didn�t
grin.

"The one true thing is that my favorite flowers are roses." I
grinned. "We'll start easy." 

"What color?" he asked. A devil of mischief lit his eye, and I could
tell he was going to get into the spirit of the game. He played
fully. 

"Any!" I answered. "Though I prefer people to give them to me...
They're expensive." 

"Why not grow them yourself?" he suggested. "There�s a satisfaction
in nurturing them."

"I have the proverbial black thumb... No, it's worse than that. I
look at a plant the wrong way and it starts withering in protest." He
tried to smother his laughter behind his hand to be polite, but I
waved a negligent hand. "Oh, go ahead and laugh." 

He finally gave in and I found his laughter melodic and pleasant. "I
- I... The one true thing is that my favorite flowers are snowdrops."


"Snowdrops? That's a bit different," I commented. "Most people like
orchids or roses or lilies... Something mainstream!" 

Yukito blushed a bit. "I like them... What can I say? Many of my
friends like Nadeshiko." 

"It's the town flower... We're often fond of what we're exposed to...
Or have good memories of." 

He smiled at me, and there was a teasing edge to it. "Do you have
good memories of roses, Imiyo-san?" 

I smirked. "Not like that! We're playing a game, Yukito... You'll
have to try to get it out of me with a properly placed truth!" 

"Oh... So it's my turn to begin with a truth?" 

"I started the last round, so yes." I glanced into my teacup,
shrugged a bit, before emptying the cold liquid into the nearby
plant. 

"Imiyo-san! It's no wonder you kill plants!" Yukito said. He rose to
his feet, walking over to my abused plant, forgetting about our game.


"There wasn't any cream or sugar in it... It was just tea!" I
protested. His censure caused me to blush a bit. I had made him
blush. Now he was having revenge without even trying. 

"Plants can tell if you care about them..." he said, and he brushed
his fingertips over it gently. To my amazement, the plant seemed to
lean towards his touch... I rubbed my eyes, wondering if I should get
my glasses out. I only wore them to read, but sometimes late in the
evening I wore them constantly. I was a stubborn old lady, too vain
to admit she was aging. 

"Well, I have the cleaning service take of them..." I said, feeling a
bit like a chastised child. There was something about his gentle
reproach I found more daunting than ten screaming patients. He sighed
and caressed the leaf gently. 

"I think you've made up your mind that plants and you don't get
along... It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you treat them a bit
nicer, they'll respond better. I know you like animals... You said
you had a therapy dog, so you must." He sighed and turned back to his
chair. "The one true thing about me is that I love everything,
probably too much," he said gently. 

Yukito was fragile at that moment, and if I pounced, I would be able
to wring amazing amounts of information from him, destroying the
bonds of trust we were building in the process. I decided to play by
the rules, for now. Another opportunity would come, though I did
wonder what he meant by loving things too much. 

"The one true thing is that while I love, I guard my heart from those
who would hurt me." I revealed that intensely personal truth,
intending to show that I wanted to play fair. 

He was silent at that for a while. "How can you love, when you
protect yourself?" he asked after a minute. 

"Love is something that defies description. We can love others
without letting them love us... I'm like that. When I was twenty, I
lost my fianc� to a car accident." 

"I'm sorry," he said, and from the look in his eyes, I could tell it
wasn't empty condolences. He genuinely empathized with me. 

"It was a while ago, Yukito-san. I've come to terms with it." My eyes
were sharp as I studied him. "If we do not know sorrow in our lives,
we cannot care for others." 

"That's true," he said softly. "A child loves innocently, but an
adult loves completely. Somehow an adult's love seems deeper, for
they know the consequences of sorrow." 

"To love is to take a risk. I've taken that risk before... Maybe
someday, when I meet a special person again, I'll make that decision
to take it again." I shrugged a bit. "Most likely not. Shinobu was my
most important person... I continue to live, but there will never be
another to take his place. Ours was a great romance. I was lucky to
have known him." 

"Don't you get lonely?" 

I quirked an eyebrow. "No, I think we'll get back to the game," I
pointed out primly. 

He snapped his fingers with mock frustration. "Darn it. Well, you're
up." 

I giggled a bit, even though I hated the way it sounded. Middle-aged
women should not giggle; it was undignified. "The one true thing
about me is that I'm at peace with myself." 

He stared a bit resentfully. "That's just evil." 

"I'm playing hardball, Yukito. You got me on the last one. My turn." 

He went still, a kind of perfect stillness that made me examine him
closely to see if I could even see him breathing. His eyes didn�t
blink, and I couldn�t detect any movement at all, something eerie.
"You were talking about comfort zones... This tests mine," he said,
breaking the moment. "The one true thing is that I don't know what
peace is anymore." His eyes were drawn to the dreamcatcher, and the
stillness returned, although it wasn�t as complete as before. 

"Did you ever?" I asked, wondering if I was pushing him too hard.
Then Yukito drew his eyes away from those feathers to focus on my
face. 

"I used to think I did, but that was before I knew about Yue. And
before Touya and I accepted we were...as we were. It was when I
believed in the false memories of my childhood." 

I wondered about those. False memories? That didn't jive with what I
knew of multiples. I'd have to do some research, again. I'd been
reading up on the condition, of course, but a month of reading didn't
make up for actual experience. Yukito was an exception to many rules.
"Peace is how we define it," I told him gently.

"And some of us have dictionaries in different languages," he
retorted, and I wondered if he was joking or not. 

"Maybe. Peace is something we all strive for. I didn't say I KNEW
peace... I said I was AT peace... I've accepted what I am... I think
you're here to accept the shadowy part of yourself." 

"To accept Yue?" Yukito said, and I saw a line tighten in his brow.
He was angry, and I smiled inside. Good. We were making progress.
Yukito�s sense of self was being roused. 

"No. To accept Yukito." I stared him down. "You're not happy with
something about Yukito, not just Yue. There's more to you than your
struggle with Yue... You're more complex than that." I waited for his
reaction. 

"The one true thing about me is that I'm not just a smiling face," he
returned, and his voice was level, and for a second I almost thought
I saw a flash of blue in his eyes; something I must have imagined,
since there was no other sign of Yue appearing. This was still
Yukito, my instincts told me, not his other self. 

"What are you, then?" I asked. 

"I am... a friend. Everyone sees me as a smile, someone always
willing to laugh and who loves to eat. A laughing person who's good
at everything, who everyone likes. Someone gentle, who would never
hurt anyone... But that's not true." He clenched his fist, and I had
to steel myself to keep from drawing away. 

"The truth?" I asked. 

The game was forgotten as he met my eyes. "The truth is I could hurt
anyone who threatened those in my charge. Maybe... Even kill them. I
think I could." 

The phrasing, again, was strange. Sometimes Yukito used strange turns
of phrase that I found charming, but this time, I found it ominous. 

The clock chimed eight, and I realized that our session was over. I
wasn't sure if I was relieved or not. 

Who would you kill for, Yukito? Touya? Sakura? I wondered as I rose
to gather my appointment book. 

"Yukito, if you want, we can play next week. We didn't really get too
far... We kept sidetracking each other," I said softly. 

He shook his head. "The game's fun, but... a bit wearing. Maybe some
other time, but I think I need some time to think. I said a lot of
things I didn't mean to. Which is the purpose of the game, I bet." 

I nodded. "It is. Next week?" 

"Of course. Don't kill your plants, okay?" He stood and walked over
to the plant I had unintentionally abused. "If you're kind to it,
it'll grow." 

And so will you, I thought as I penciled in Yukito's name for our
usual time. But what will you grow into? 

^^^^^^ 

September 20 


Fourth Session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Progress continues
sporadically.

We hardly covered anything about Yue; acceptable, as this was a trust
building session, as I had planned. Patient agreed to play the One
True Thing, and though he was perceptive of the hidden nature of the
game, he threw himself into it. Was quite clever; he weaseled some
information out of me I don�t normally talk about.

Yukito is indeed a fully recognized alter. There are shadows inside
of him, and I�m relieved to see that he does have self-defense
mechanism of his own, rather than just switching to another alter. I
tried some mild confrontation, and he responded to the stimulus in
normal, and acceptable, fashion. Also is very fond of plants� must
make a note to not abuse them.

The dreamcatcher on my wall fascinates Yukito for some reason. I
haven�t actually determined why, but it�s starting to annoy me. I�ve
never seen anyone with such a fixation with a decoration. I�m
seriously thinking about redecorating� but since it seems to offer
Yukito comfort; that would be childish. When our trust is more
established, I�ll ask him about it.

He did say one thing that struck me as odd� a reference to false
memories. I�ll need to research this, but I don�t believe it�s part
of his condition. Multiples suffer from blackouts, not created
memories. 

Next week is a Himitsu week. We�ll see how he likes my little
secret�.

^^^^^^

Notes: Yukito�s fav flower is canon. His ease with Imiyo�s plants �
well, since wood is under Yue, I made an assumption that Yukito would
likely have some abilities with them as well! Imiyo�s understand of
Yukito�s nature as an MPD (as she believes) is less than perfect as
it is not her specialty. She DID try to redirect him in the first
session, but he was stubborn. ^_~ Also, some people have wondered
about her style � she�s eclectic. She uses bits from many schools of
psychological thought� basically whatever works!


Aishuu Offers:

Alter Egos

A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction

mbsilvana@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.

Dedication: For Mehg. Because I admire her tremendously... she knows
what surviving is.

CHAPTER FOUR

 

I met Yukito in the lobby instead of calling him into my office since
I had to warn him of something about this session. 

He was curled up in the chair, and I was relieved that he was reading
by a lamp. I was glad, because as we moved into October, the daylight
hours were growing shorter. Despite his reassurances, I worried about
him damaging his eyesight. 

"What are you reading this time?" I asked curiously. 

He jumped a bit, apparently startled by my presence. "Um, The
Republic," he said. "Government class." 

"Heavy reading," I said. "Don't you ever read anything for pleasure?"


"I'm a college student. Pleasure reading went out the window along
with doing laundry," he said teasingly. 

I raised an eyebrow at his clean, pressed clothing and he gave me
that innocent look that I was starting to see through. "I don't buy
that..." 

He just shrugged a bit and put his book away. "It's prioritizing. If
I study while I'm forced to wait, I can spend time with my friends
and have time for other activities when I need to." 

"Makes sense. Well, least I know you can read that." I pointed to a
sign on the wall. 

He leaned forward a bit, raising a hand to shift his glasses out of
habit. "A licensed therapy dog works here..." he read aloud. "Wait...
Do you mean you brought your dog in today, Imiyo-san?" he asked, and
he sounded delighted. 

I nodded. "Her name is Himitsu. I usually bring her in on Mondays,
but every now and then she joins me on other days. Today happened to
be one of them." I grinned as I remembered the socialite kicking off
her shoes to play with her. It had been amazing, the transition.
Kanna was going to have to get a dog. "If you don't like animals, I
have a pen in my secretary's office where she spends time. It's okay
- some of my clients don't like dogs." 

He shook his head, and I could see him almost bouncing with
enthusiasm. "I love pets! I always wanted one when I was little, but
my grandparents wouldn't let me have one..." Again, he was
contradicting himself. Yukito had stated earlier that he hadn't
existed until tenth grade... Did he have the memories of some other
personality, or were they created memories? Just how complete was the
Yukito alter? How much of the original personality did he contain....
How close was he to the core? I pushed the questions to the back of
my mind, knowing that I should consider them when he wasn't around.

"I'm sure you'll like Himitsu," I said as I led him towards my
office. "She's a golden lab. Once every two weeks we go to hospitals
and visit patients there... She's amazingly gentle." 

"I've heard about therapy animals. And I know animals are wonderful
companions. They'll never betray you," he said softly. 

My hand hesitated over the doorknob. "Have you been betrayed before?"


"I think life is full of betrayals, great and small," he replied.
"It's how we deal with them that determines who we become." 

I wanted to press him on it, but the hallway wasn't the place,
especially since the session hadn't officially begun. I sighed
inwardly in frustration and pushed the door open. "Himitsu, come and
meet Yukito-san," I called. 

The beautiful golden lab who had been my companion for six years rose
off her doggie bed and came over, her dark eyes sparkling. Yukito
held his hand out for her to sniff, and she took his scent before
placing her head under it, obviously approving of the young man. 

"Hello, Himitsu-san. It's nice to meet you," he said, and he looked
directly at her. Yukito was talking to her, and there seemed to be
genuine communication between them. "She likes you," I said. "She's
trained to like people, but it's genuine." I watched her lean against
his long legs and smiled as I headed toward my chair, grabbing the
cup of tea I had prepared just before he had arrived. Hopefully, I
could refrain from dumping it on my plants in his presence. "If
you're not careful, she'll be all over you!" I warned him. 

"It's fine!" he declared, sinking to the floor to bury his hands in
her long fur. His smile was bright and childlike and I could see that
Himitsu was responding well to him when he rubbed behind her right
ear. "Why did you name her Himitsu? I'd think that's a better name
for a cat..." 

I grinned. "My cat's name is Miss Lily," I said. "Himitsu... Well, we
all have secrets, and she's a better listener than my cat. So she's
my secret, since she never tells." 

He thought on that, before nodding in agreement. "I think we all have
people who keep our secrets." 

"Do you? Aside from me, that is? Do you have a friend who keeps
secrets for you?" 

"To-ya." Yukito sighed a bit. "He knows me better than I know myself.
He kept trying to tell me about Yue before I even knew," he murmured,
and I swiveled in my chair to watch him, since he had apparently
decided to make himself at home on the floor with Himitsu - two
clients in a row choosing the dog over a chair. Himitsu was doing
great today.

"Often times a family member or friend suspects the existence of MPD
before the person. Did he formally meet Yue, or just have
suspicions?" 

"I... Well, I think he saw Yue, but they never really interacted. He
confronted me, and it brought Yue out." 

"So Yue will come out on command? I mean, you can summon him?" I
asked curiously. 

Yukito looked a bit nervous. "I wouldn't put it like that. Yue's
strong-willed. He came out because he chose to, not because he was
asked to." 

"Can you ask him to?" 

"He won't meet you, Imiyo-san," he said firmly. "He's not into this
therapy thing." 

"I didn't mean that," I said hastily. "You've made it clear that he
wouldn't meet me. I mean, can YOU ask him to come out? If you feel
stressed, or maybe you're uncomfortable with a situation? Can you ask
Yue to come out and take over?" I asked. 

Yukito's hands stilled. "I wouldn't want to. There's no reason for me
to run from life. Living may be difficult, but it's my life, and I
don't run from things." He laughed as Himitsu butted against him to
encourage him to continue. "Sorry, Himitsu-san!" Though he was
gentle, Yukito wasn't weak, I noted with satisfaction. He wasn't the
personality Yue was protecting. I remembered the ruthlessness he had
displayed at the end of our last session, the knowledge that he could
kill. That was within most of us, that primitive side, but for Yukito
to recognize it was something. 

I was musing on that when I noticed a rather large white bandage on
Yukito's hand. It covered most of his thumb and looked out of place
on his slender hands. 

He noticed me looking and blushed a bit. "Accident," he murmured. 

"Really?" I wondered. "It looked pretty bad, it you have all that
gauze on it." 

"Kitchen knife... I'll have a bit of a scar, but it should heal
fine." His eyes avoided mine, and I knew he wanted to avoid telling
me the truth about this. 

To press or not to press? I thought, then decided to go for it.
"Yukito-san... What kind of 'accident?'" I asked, quirking an
eyebrow. My expression made it clear that I wasn't buying his lame
excuses. 

"Um..." and he blushed. The crimson stood out against his pale
cheeks, and I was struck, not for the first time, but his beauty. He
wasn't handsome; he transcended it. If I had been twenty years
younger, I would have been in danger of gaining a serious crush. Now
I could admire him with the detached interest of an art lover, his
striking looks fascinating, but not tempting me. 

"Yukito..." I repeated to get his attention, and by dropping the
honorific, I made it clear that I wanted answers. 

"igdfdds," he muttered, and he looked supremely embarrassed. 

"Yukito, I'm old. You need to speak clearly," I told him sternly. 

He stared down into Himitsu's fur with embarrassment. "To-ya and I
got drunk." 

I blinked at him a bit. Then I took a deep breath, trying to think
what to say. "You... Got drunk..." I echoed. I wasn't his judge, but
from what I knew of Yukito, it sounded decidedly out of character. He
was so clean cut that he practically shone. 

"Isn't that what I just said?" he asked a bit testily. "I don't think
I'll be doing it again anytime soon... I had the worst hangover.
To-ya, of course, got off without anything." He seemed a bit
disgruntled, not that I blamed him. I remembered my wilder days, and
part of the fun of getting drunk was the shared misery the morning
after. 

"Okay. You got drunk... Since you're not on any medications that I
know of and you do have the brains not to drink and drive, that's not
a problem. Usually I let people keep their drunken antics out of the
therapy room, since they tend to be a bit embarrassing and unless you
have a drinking problem, it's normal enough to indulge. But - how the
heck did you end up hurting yourself?" I demanded. 

He somehow managed to shift himself around so Himitsu was between us.
Great... Use my dog as a shield... I thought sarcastically. I'm not
that scary, am I? 

"Well..." He started, and from the way his eyes shifted upwards, I
could tell he was about to lie. 

"Don't lie. Yukito, tell me you don't want to say anything, but don't
lie to me," I told him softly. It was time to start confronting him,
I knew. I wasn't ready to start tearing down the large lies I knew he
had been telling, but I knew that the little untruths had to go. 

He looked startled, then raised a finger to his nose to push his
glasses up. "It's... Okay to say nothing?" 

"Sometimes we can keep secrets," I told him. "But you're here because
you've been keeping secrets until you thought you were ready to
burst..." I told him. 

I studied the delicate young man who sat curled on the floor with the
golden lab, and wondered why he couldn't be as pure and perfect as he
looked. "My entire life has been a secret," he said. "I wish..." he
started, then stopped to start again a moment later. "But how do you
know what the truth is?" 

"You don't. There is no such thing as absolute truth, merely
interpretations of what's happening around us." I took a sip of my
tea, and waved a hand around my room. "Everything, our reality, is a
matter of perception... But we begin to perceive by telling what we
believe our truth is to others. By sharing ourselves with others, we
relieve the pressure of falsehood and darkness." 

Yukito seemed to have thought of that already. "I'm a creature of the
darkness... I was never meant to be truthful," he said softly. "At
least... A part of me is." 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

He shut his eyes, and I could see that he was struggling to find the
right words to express himself. "Do you know about the yin yang?" he
asked. 

"You mean the little squiggly symbol?" I asked. "Sure. I used to wear
them all the time when they were in fashion," I replied, deliberately
playing dense. I knew he meant a bit more by what he was saying, but
I needed him to explain it to me, rather than letting him take the
easy way. 

He frowned a bit. "It's more than that. It's about balance. Between
darkness and light, cold and hot, male and female, action and
inaction." 

I tilted my head. "Do you strive to achieve that balance?" 

Yukito seemed incredibly sad for some reason. "It's impossible. Yue
was created to be one side of that balance... And I came from him."
He stroked Himitsu, who lay against his leg, her breathing calm and
even as she looked at him without judgement. 

"What side of the balance?" I asked after reflecting on what he said.


"What do you think?" he replied softly, and a mysterious smile played
at his lips. 

"I won't answer that for you," I told him. "That's too close to
judging you... And I think you already have your own answer." 

"I do." He sighed, and stared at his hand. 

I sighed right back at him and looked at the injury. "Are you going
to tell me how you got that? Aside from the drunk bit? Or were you so
sloshed you don't remember?" 

"Maybe I should start by telling a small truth," he mused. He smiled
at me, and this time, there was no darkness in it. "I was... A bit
out of control. A bit angry about how my life is, how Yue always has
control. And so I wanted to do something outlandish... Something to
lash out." 

I kept my face neutral, while flinching a bit inside. Oh, lord, I
thought. He's becoming self-destructive. I hadn't foreseen it.... I'd
thought him more in control and more stable... 

"So I had To-ya over. Well, I kind of made him drink some sake with
me... The strongest stuff I could find." 

"Uh-huh..." I nodded, while wincing even more inside. Yukito was so
small - he must have been drunk after three sips. 

"Well, eventually I started raging. I'm not a nice drunk,
apparently." 

I sniggered a bit mentally. "Alcohol lowers our inhibitions." 

"I know. I started raging about how I hated Yue... and how I hated
not being real. To-ya..." Yukito shut his eyes, and cradled his hand
and his chest protectively. "He grabbed a knife I had taken up for
cutting some food, and he cut himself... Then he cut me." 

I stared at him. "Yukito!" 

"It wasn't abuse... It was to make a point." He stared at his fingers
as though they fascinated him. "I'm human. He held our hands
together, and our blood was the same color... I never realized that
before." 

I looked at Yukito, and it was then I realized how distant from the
rest of humanity he must feel. Rising from my chair, I set aside my
cup, and went over to where he sat with Himitsu, violating one of the
unspoken rules of counseling. Never touch a client. 

"Yukito... We all sometimes feel apart from those we love... and
blood is the very essence of life. But... can you promise me not to
study yours?" I asked hesitantly. 

He looked at me. "You're worried I'll start cutting," he said. He
removed his good hand from Himitsu's head, and took mine. His hands
were cool, making me think instantly of the old saying, 'cold hands,
warm heart.' 

"Yes." 

He studied me before his smile bloomed. "I won't. I... learned what I
needed to." 

"I'll keep you to that," I said, taking his chin in my palm so I
could stare him down. "Just this once, I'll let it slide, but I don't
want you getting hurt again." 

His smile seemed brilliant as he left Himitsu so he could lean over
and hug me, a clear breach of the patient/doctor boundary. "I promise
to take care of myself," he whispered. 

The next sessions I learned more about Yukito, and he spun me deeper
into his web, and I fell into it, thinking that I was the one in
control when in truth he was. Our sessions progressed, and things
remained at a stasis point - I thought I had his trust, when in truth
I did not. It was after the eighth session, though that things
changed. It was then I broke all the rules... and had to pay the
price. 

I met Yue. 

^^^^^^ 

September 27 

Fifth session with Tsukishiro Yukito. And a headache developing. 

Wondering if I should shift myself out of counseling Yukito because
he's simply too lovable for his own good. It's hard to maintain the
necessary distance to maintain objectivity, and I know I'm failing. 

Yukito is very alone, and brings out my mothering instincts. Still,
we've built a rapport, and shifting him to another counselor may do
irreparable harm. I have the feeling that this alter has some severe
abandonment issues. Okay, enough of that. Yukito got along well with
Himitsu, to no surprise. Himitsu took to him immediately, and I
wouldn't be surprised if all dogs and children would. He has that
type of personality - kids and animals would love him. He's gentle
and it shines from him. 

A few surprises, which shouldn't surprise me by now. He's complex. I
need to get that through my skull. Patient does drink, but apparently
has learned his lesson. Good thing, because he's too small to handle
much, hypermetabolism or not. He had a cut on his hand from a knife,
inflicted by Kinomoto Touya, his lover. Patient seems fascinated by
the subject of his blood being the same as everyone else's... and
seems to think this is a form of assuring himself of his own reality.


Yukito has promised not to cut himself to pursue this, and I'm going
to keep a watch out for this. I want to trust him, but... Yukito also
went on about secrets, and his nature to keep them. We discussed
truth, but Yukito came from secrets. He seems open and honest but
there's something hidden about him. It's not about MPD - it's his
personality. 

On the Yue front, Yukito has told me that Kinomoto Touya suspected
the existence of Yue before Yukito himself did. Touya is also the
catalyst whom brought the actual existence of Yue to Yukito's
attention. I admit to being a bit concerned about the relationship,
but Yukito relies on Touya for many of his emotional needs. The
patient needs to work on creating a wider range of support, since he
seems to be almost entirely dependant on Touya and Touya's younger
sister, Sakura. I'm not sure if Touya fostered this dependence or not
- instinct says not. Actually, Touya may be the first bridge to the
outside world... I'm wagering that Touya is Yukito's first attempt at
forming a serious relationship. MPD comes from emotional and physical
trauma, after all.

Yukito has some memories which exist before his creation - whether
they're false or belong to a previous personality, I don't know.
Yukito also let it slip that he sprang from Yue. Now I need to
determine if Yue is the core, or if there's another core personality
under Yue. 

Therapy will continue, and I will monitor him for cutting. Aside from
that, I'll follow his lead. He's as unpredictable as the wind. 

 

^^^^^^

Notes: 

Things are about to hit the fan.... 

The Windy is also Under Yue.

I hope everyone sees that "The One True Thing" falls between chapter
3 and 4.

"Himitsu" is secret in Japanese.

The yin yang is pretty well explained in here... if you didn't know,
Yue actually is the "yin" half... dark, night, inaction, and female! 


Aishuu Offers:

Alter Egos

A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction

mbsilvana@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.

Dedication: For Gold. Because she's amazing as a writer, has an
wicked sense of humor, and is one of those intelligent people I
value. Even if she DOES want me to feed Touya every now and then...

CHAPTER FIVE

 

It is human nature to assign blame. As I reflect now, I am tempted to
blame Yukito, for being who he is... But to blame Yukito is to blame
water for being wet. How can you hold water in your hands without it
slipping through? 

I would blame Yue, and he would accept it, for such things as blame
do not bother him, from what I've seen of him now. But part of the
satisfaction derived from blame is knowing you've made the other
person uncomfortable, and Yue is as distant as the moon from which he
derives his name. 

I could even blame Himitsu, for it was her fault I was out that
night, to be shaken from my comfortable worldview. But blame gets us
nowhere. I have accepted it happened, and now I know. I would rather
know the truth, than remain in ignorance. 

There is no blame, simply truth. 

Owning a dog brings companionship and joy, but it also brings great
responsibility. Dogs are high maintenance animals, and caring for one
properly requires a great deal of commitment, time, money, and my
least favorite thing, exercise. I really dislike having to take
Himitsu for her evening walks, though I know it's good for the both
of us. 

I'm a night person at heart, and Himitsu and I have gotten into the
habit of taking long runs together just as the sun is setting. I love
looking at the night sky, and it was cooler out. Fewer people were
out so I could be alone with my thoughts and just enjoy the rhythmic
pace I set. Himitsu was kind to me, never demanding we go faster than
I could take. I was slower than I had been when we had first started
these runs, and I knew that in a few years, I would be even slower.
Still, I was proud of the pace I set, for not many middle-aged women
could manage a two-mile jog. 

That night, the new moon hung over my head, with only the brightest
stars pushing through the inky blackness of the clear sky. The air
was cold, preparing itself for the holiday season. 

I wasn't Christian, but I was anticipating Christmas with an eager
wariness. Eager, because I enjoyed the festivities with my friends.
Wariness, because many of my patients fell into depressions. Around
Christmas, depression and suicides sharply increased. It was a
statistical fact, and my life became more stressful. I always
attributed it a bit to seasonal affective disorder as well, since
humans were definitely affected by the loss of sunlight. 

Tomoeda is a small city with a population of perhaps 200,000. I
encounter my clients occasionally as I go about my business, and I've
discovered that it's best not to acknowledge them until they make the
first move. Many people are embarrassed to be seeing me, and don't
want to admit to knowing me outside of the office. It's something
I've come to accept - it's about boundaries. 

I don't know what made me take a left that night. I'm a creature of
habit, and I like routine. But for some reason, I took a left instead
of a right, deciding to take a peek at the new shop I had heard was
moving in on Momiji Street. Himitsu was glad for the change of pace,
continuing a steady lope at my side as my sneakers pounded in a
steady thrum against the sidewalk. 

I rounded the corner, pulling up short when I saw the scene before
me. Yukito was there, talking to a girl. 

It was my hesitation that cost me. I should have kept running, and
pretended that nothing was wrong, or should have turned around and
let Yukito live his own life, but I was curious. This was the first
time I had seen Yukito outside of my office, and I wanted to peek in
on him. 

I looked at Himitsu, giving her a hand signal for her to lie down and
be absolutely still. She obeyed instantly, and I dropped the leash.
Between us, the leash was a formality. Having a trained therapy dog
was wonderful. 

The girl Yukito was talking to was young, no more than fourteen and I
wondered if she was the Sakura he so adored. Her long black hair hung
to her waist, but her clothing was out of place. There was a Chinese
cut to it, and I could see, even in the streetlight, that the cast of
her features marked her as foreign, probably Chinese. 

Yukito's body language was wrong, as well. I knew him well enough to
realize that he valued touch with those he was close to, and he
wasn't touching this girl at all. While his expression was serious
and considerate, he stood a few feet away from her, and I wondered
about that. 

I felt a bit guilty for invading his life. I was just about to turn
away from him when the most remarkable thing happened. The girl shook
her head, turning aside but Yukito held up his hand to forestall her.
She whirled back to him, and under his feet, the ground started to
glow. 

My eyes widened in disbelief, my hand rising to my mouth to restrain
the gasp that threatened to escape. I could see a pattern of lines,
but I wasn't close enough to make out the pattern. From his back, a
pair of ghostly white wings emerged to surround Yukito's slender
form, encasing his body completely. 

White wings... 

Feathers... 

I stared as the wings became more solid, parting to reveal a creature
that hadn't existed before. 

This was impossible. I was dreaming, I was dreaming.... 

Yukito had been replaced by a creature that resembled an angel out of
legend. I wanted to scream in denial, but I found it hard to breathe.
All I could do was stare in shock, hypnotized by his beauty. The
angel was stunning, a creature of white perfection. Chiseled features
created an androgynous magnificence that seemed untouchable, with
long white hair that resembled spun moonlight, as if some master
artisan had captured that elusive light and used it to accent this
creature's perfection. His skin was as pale as Yukito's, but there
was a distance to him, a wary sorrow that warned a person not to try
to get close. 

I wanted to get away from him. 

This... Could not be Yukito. 

I knew in my heart who it had to be, but it wasn't until he turned
his head slightly and I got a better look at his face that I knew for
sure. 

Eyes like the winter sky, that indescribable color, were locked in a
face the color of snow. 

/Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever
seen./

"Yue..." I whispered. 

This was... This was insane. I had heard of multiples before, but
this wasn't right! This defied logic, everything I had ever learned
to be the truth!

I stared at the winged man in his exotic clothing, standing besides
the Chinese girl, and I wondered who had decided that the laws of
reality deserved to be thrown out the window. 

My feet reacted before my mind did. I took a step back, then another.
My shaking hands reached down and found Himitsu's leash, and before I
realized what I was doing, I was running full out, harder than I had
since I had been twenty. 

I just concentrated on my footsteps, trying not to think. All I
wanted to do was run, run from the reality of a world that had
suddenly gone mad. 

!*~*~*~~

I sat in the center of my couch, in a mauve sweat suit with my
sticky, graying hair falling out of its ponytail to trail limply in
my face. Himitsu nudged my icy hands, obviously sensing that
something was wrong, but I just concentrated on breathing, trying to
make some sense of the world. 

What I had seen... Was impossible. Yukito had shifted into an angel
before my eyes, but the angel had been so cold and so distant. I had
sensed that about him. 

The angel... Had to be Yue. Beautiful white feathers with amazingly
long white hair, and ice blue eyes that defied description. So
different than the soft brown eyes that looked at me in our sessions,
asking questions of identity and self. Was this really Yukito, the
young man who had turned to me? 

I heard Himitsu whine, but it barely registered. I wasn't equipped to
deal with this. I was a counselor... Not a philosopher. Yukito was
beyond my grasp. Yukito wasn't... 

He wasn't human. 

I gasped deeply as I realized that, putting my elbows on my knees so
I could rest my face in my hands. There are more things on heaven and
earth... And Yukito was one of them. 

I couldn't cope with it. "Himitsu... I... I'm not a superwoman," I
whispered. I peeked out between my fingers at my golden lab, trying
to get her to absolve me of responsibility. "I'm just a middle-aged
counselor who's gotten in way over her head." 

Himitsu looked at me with her liquid, trusting eyes, and I shut my
own, wondering why I saw Yukito reflected in her innocent gaze.
Yukito had been lying to me about Yue this entire time... I had
known, but I hadn't realized the extent of his lies. 

I felt a surge of rage well up within me. "Damn him!" I swore. "Damn
him for involving me!" 

I was shocked out of my reverie by the doorbell. It was late, after
ten, and most of my friends knew better than to call me at this hour
without scheduling ahead. I was an intensely private person during
the evening hours, calling them "me" hours. So it had to be an
emergency, on top of my own crisis... Just what I needed. 

I almost yelled for them to get the hell out of there, highly out of
character, but I figured I was entitled. Still, my innate empathy
overrode my inner turmoil, and I stumbled to the door, pulling it
open as I hoped I didn't appear too glassy-eyed. 

To my surprise, a stranger stood there. I looked up- and up. The man
was that tall, making my breath catch in shock. "Imiyo-san," he
stated, rather than asked. His dark eyes examined me closely, from my
worn-out appearance to my wane face. I had the impression that
nothing escaped his cursory inspection. "You don't look well." 

He was also stunningly rude, I thought with a surge of annoyance. I
was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and he was insulting my
appearance.

I tried to make out his features through the shadows, but the only
impression I had was of amazing height and those piercing eyes. "I-"
I began to protest, grabbing the door to slam it in his face,
unwilling to deal with this intruder on top of everything else, but
his right hand caught the door before I could act. 

"Maybe I should introduce myself. Kinomoto Touya," he said. "Can I
come in?" 

I stumbled back from the door in shock, wondering why now, of all
times, he was here. "Please," I said, feeling more shaken than I had
before. This is Yukito's Touya... I thought, watching as he came into
the warm light of my room. 

My breath caught again. Whatever I had been expecting Touya to look
like from Yukito's descriptions, my imagination had fallen far short
of the reality. Touya was as masculine as Yukito was effeminate.
Together they must make a stunning pair, I reflected. Touya was dark
where Yukito was fair, his tanned complexion and black hair smooth
and perfect. He didn't possess the otherworldliness of Yukito, but
there was something about him that was unapproachable. Yukito would
be the friendly one, where Touya would be the ice prince... had Yue
not been in the equation. My head hurt thinking about Yue. 

Touya looked around my apartment, his eyes settling on Miss Lily and
Himitsu. His hand extended towards them, and I opened my mouth to
warn him that Lily-chan was notoriously nasty to strangers,
particularly men. However, the warning wasn't necessary, as she
immediately walked to the edge of the couch and sniffed his fingers
curiously before releasing a soft purr. 

Himitsu was a bit more loyal, coming to my side, but she plopped down
beside me, obviously at her ease around him. "You have a way with
animals," I said neutrally as Miss Lily bumped her head against his
hand, trying to elicit some strokes. 

His expression remained placid, though his eyes softened a bit.
"Animals trust easily. They sense when people don't mean them harm.
Them or their charges," he added. 

"What do you want?" I asked him. "I don't discuss my clients with
anyone," I said formally. I decided to play stupid, and hope that
Touya was there about Yukito. Sometimes I received threats from
significant others "that my spouse doesn't NEED therapy - you're
screwing them up!", so I would treat Touya like one of those...
though I doubted he was. Touya didn't strike me as narrow-minded.

Touya picked Miss Lily up, something I have never seen her let anyone
except me do, and settled onto the couch with her in his lap. 

I remained standing, still feeling dwarfed by his presence. Touya had
that ability to command a room - enter a place, and take control
without consciously trying. "Yue saw you," he said softly. 

I stiffened. "Yue..." 

"He was... concerned." 

I tried to imagine that remote creature being concerned for me, and
couldn't. He... Yukito... My fists rose to my temples, and for a
second I was seriously tempted to beat myself upside the head to give
myself some pain to focus on, rather than these impossible memories.
"I..." I felt my legs give way beneath me, and I finally gave in.
Hearing Touya speak that name finally gelled the situation. 

Yukito... Was... Not... Human.... 

Yue... Was... Real... 

And I had no idea what he was. 

Most people would have come to my aid, but Touya merely watched me
with those dark eyes that saw everything without reflecting anything
back. He waited for me for a moment, letting me get hold of myself.
"You're upset... But you can't afford to be. Yuki has an appointment
with you tomorrow, and you need to pull yourself together by then." 

I open my mouth trying to find something coherent to say, but ended
up merely giggling a bit hysterically. Touya was talking about a
counseling session? Now? When I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to
look... Yukito... Yue... In the face again without shivering? 

Touya's eyes flashed, and he stopped petting Miss Lily mid-stroke. An
aura of danger surrounded him, and I tossed my head back defiantly,
wondering if I would survive to see the next morning. 

"I won't pretend to understand why Yuki sought counseling. I know
he's done nothing but build lie upon lie, and tonight, they came
tumbling down." He looked at the small calico cat who cuddled
trustingly into him before continuing. "I do know that he trusts you.
He trusts you enough to talk. He trusts you, Imiyo-san, and you can't
let him down. He's young, and you're the first person he's reached
out to know him, not because he had to, but because he needed to." 

I stared at Touya in shock. "Touya... What is he?" 

Touya just looked at me for a long moment. "Have you ever read
Plato?" 

My head spun at the abrupt change of topic. "Had to read him in
college. It would have been before you were born. I never really
liked him." 

The young man looked thoughtful. "We studied him last semester, Yuki
and I. We take most classes together when we can, even though we're
different majors. Philosophy was a core course. Anyway, do you
remember the story about the cave?" 

My mind was fuzzy as I tried to dredge up the memory of those
long-ago classes. "Not really," I admitted. "What's this got to do
with anything?" I demanded, feeling my trained patience hanging by a
thin thread. 

"Plato has a rather interesting story that he told to a student...
It's about slaves in a cave," Touya said, pausing as he scratched my
cat under the chin. "The slaves have lived their entire life in a
cave, seeing only shadows cast by firelight. One day, one of the
slaves is freed and sees what is causing the shadows - the real
items. When he goes to describe them, the people in the cave don't
believe him, choosing to instead believe that the shadows are the
reality." 

My breath caught. "Are you saying that Yukito is Yue's shadow?" I
asked. 

Touya sighed softly, and the genuine pain in his eyes was almost
tangible. "Yuki and Yue are the same. I've thought on it a lot. I've
come to my own decision, though, and you'll need to reach yours." 

I just rubbed Himitsu's smooth head absentmindedly. "Yue... Yukito...
He..." 

"You've seen through the shadows to what causes them," Touya said.
"Now you need to decide whether you want to go back to the cave and
tell the truth, or be chained up be your our preconceptions of
reality." 

I shivered, though not with cold. I was so tired from this, but I
didn't have much time to make my decision. "Can't you tell me what
you know?" I begged. "Tell me about Yue?" I practically begged. I was
forty-two years old, and I felt like a six-year old asking sempai for
help. 

Touya shook his head. "You're the first person Yuki has reached out
to on his own, who is outside the main story. I'm too tied up in the
tale to be objective. You aren't. You need to see Yuki for what his
is... For his sake." 

"I..." 

Touya rose with a smooth grace that bespoke years of athletics, and
walked over to me to deposit Miss Lily in my lap. "Don't be blinded
by your eyes, Imiyo-san," he said softly. "Or your mind. You're an
intellectual, aren't you?" He picked up my hand and held it against
his chest, and I felt the steady beat of his strong, young heart. It
was astoundingly intimate for him to allow a stranger so close, but
then, I was rapidly learning not to expect anything from Kinomoto
Touya. "You need to see him with your heart." 

^^^^^^ 

October 24 

Personal Journal of Katashiwa Imiyo 

It's strange how your entire world can change in an entire day. 

It's even more odd how one person can really screw up your
perceptions, even when he didn't mean to. Especially when he had no
clue that he was doing it. 

Yue and Yukito - where does one end and the other begin? What are
they? Yue is not an angel... He's something different, something of
this earth that I do not understand. And that scares me, yet I cannot
shut it out of my eyes and abandon the situation. 

I have grown too close to Tsukishiro Yukito in the brief months that
we have spent together. I've lost my objectivity. It happens quite
frequently when a counselor and patient build a rapport. 

I like Yukito. I think that's the root of the problem. There's
something about him that draws me to him. I think it's a natural
charisma that brings out my maternal instincts. There's a lost little
boy look in his eyes, and I just want to hand him a teddy bear and
tell him everything will be all right. But... I never offer false
assurances, not even to myself. If there's one thing I believe in,
it's the truth. I- 

Wait a second. I believe in the truth. That's why I became a
counselor. And if the truth of Yukito isn't what I believed it to be,
that doesn't give me an excuse to turn away. If anything, I am now
more bound to help Yukito find what he seeks. I don't think he knows
what that is, but.... 

I'm going to have to start falsifying my records at work. There's no
way I can let Yue's existence - that truth - become known. But I'll
keep a separate record here, in my diary, for my reference... I've
decided. 

I'm going to see if I can find the truth of Yue... and Yukito. 

^^^^^^

Author's Notes:

Imiyo is breaking all SORTS of professional ethics by choosing this
route, and Touya never should have been able to find her house.
Touya... well, Touya is Touya. And Imiyo is writing a new handbook
now... 



=====
If I could change anything
Then I would change everything
These bitter days shall remain

Fanfiction: http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver
Mailing List: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/quicksilver

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