Since you seem to be a newbie, I'll mention that all comments represent the
opinionated ramblings of this one particular reader only, who doesn't like much
anyway. Take what you find useful, and file the rest away under one person's
opinion.

Salvador Escriv� <vorox.seg@terra.es> wrote:

This is a Ranma 1/2 alternaverse. None of the Ranma gang are mine they r copyright of their author Rumiko Takahashi. The other characters r mine from a game a few friends invented.

The word is "are," not "r." (This kind of net-speak always makes me wonder if
the person is paying his internet provider by the byte.)

It gets a while to get started but I wanted to lay the scene before the story. I know I am not a good writer but I hope you like it. Do not take this and drive heavy machinery. Do not try any actions hazardous to yourself without external advice.

Or even with. :)

Just as a general rule, "laying out the scene" before starting the story tends
to be a bad idea. Readers, unfortunately, tend to be an impatient lot, and often
won't stick around unless you show them something happening that they can care
about. Even people who do continue reading generally won't absorb all the
information you throw at them until you show them a reason why it matters.

Also, as mentioned in the FAQ. it'd help if you'd wrap your fic into lines of
70-80 characters each. Otherwise to comment on something specific I either have
to quote back an entire paragraph, which can be a waste of space in people's
mailboxes, or I have to insert line breaks and ">" marks manually, which is a
pain.

Imagine a beach. An endless infinite beach. Slowly, like a lazy bird, we fly closer.

In general, addressing the reader directly is a bad idea. Part of the art of
good writing is creating the illusion that your story is actually happening, and
talking directly to the reader tends to ruin this.

The picture slowly changes. As we come near, there is movement, a slow, languid wind blowing and shifting the sand. But this is no ordinary sand.
As perception focuses more clearly, we see. We finally see. It is not sand but something else. Inside each grain there is a universe. A sphere ruled by its own laws and powers. Upon this eternal dance we come closer, faster and faster to a particular one. This one does not yet shine as the flow of life does not yet pulse within.

You're throwing a lot of images at the reader here. Slow down. Ask yourself what
someone at the scene would see, hear, feel, etc. and try to convey the
sensations in words.

There is something here. It is so large it defines its own laws of physics. It is pondering how will infinity be in this particular dimension. Probably a shade of blue. Slowly it looks upon the entire universe looking for a molecule. This molecule if given the right push and spin will create everything. (Universe creation is like billiards only you can always fall back into quantics to explain all)

Missing a period at the end of that sentence. Who in the story is thinking this,
and what the heck is quantics? It's okay to throw in bogus science, but try to
give the reader enough context that they can get an idea of what it's for.

The moment It left the Ice guardian turned to face his partner. "Why don't we pillage this universe and hit another sphere"

sphere?"

You've switched to past tense here. Be consistent. Either write everything in
the past, or everything in the present.

The fire angel shook her head. "That is not what we were created for"

for."
(or)
for!"

"Come on you already know what will happen. Races develop, most eradicate themselves before they know there is more life in the universe, and then wham, interplanetary war until everyone is dead. What makes you think this time will be different."

"Come on, you already

different?"
(It's obviously asked as a question)

"Hope."

ICE: All right. What makes you *hope* this time will be different?

With his face contracted by agony he started to banish. "Arrggg what have you done? You have wounded me. They will suffer for what you have done. Try to catch me in the time lines."

"Arrggg! What
(or)
"Arrggg, what

He came in an icestorm to a world devastated by war. A siren's call drove him here. It was a world almost devoid of life but very rich in magic. Maybe he could find something here to change the tides. But she was close on his heels. A huge meteor came down crashing on the planet. And she emerged upon shearing waves of heat. The people of the city watched stunned as the titans engaged in a mighty clash.

I think you mean "searing" rather than "shearing." Unless she turns out to be
Principal Kuno. :)

"This shall be our final encounter cold one."

encounter, cold one."

(In the above, "cold one" is used to identify who's being spoken to, so it must
be set off by a comma.)

"Why? I only wanted more. I wanted power for my self.

for myself.

Is it not better to live free for a single moment than to be a slave for eternity."

eternity?"
(It's obviously asked as a question, albeit a rhetorical one.)

"I do not judge nor care. There is no place were you can hide in this universe" With this words she drew her sword in a deadly arc.

universe."

Space. An endless canvas in which time paints. And it paints a lot, it redraws the whole universe every second of eternity. If someone could take a look at the results they would think "This is the work of the greatest genius or the greatest idiot".

Try to avoid having your narrator wax philosophical. Stuff like this is never as
profound as you think it's going to be, and it can even come across as
pretentuous. You don't need to reveal the ultimate secret of the universe to
impress the readers. What will help you more are things like a strong conflict,
characters that the reader can identify with, and clear, vivid sensory
descriptions. If you really think this bit enhances the story, then put it into
the thoughts of one of the characters, thereby making it a more natural part of
the story and also showing us something about how your character thinks.

But in this great picture there is something of interest to us. It is a sphere.

Again, who's "us"? You shouldn't be mentioning "us" unless it actually refers to
someone in the story, not the readers.

He discovered something new. Fear. His body was trying to tie its bowels in knots. The hands began to tremble. It began to feel cold. And the crazy thing was loosing water through the skin.!!

losing

("loosing" means to make something looser, as in less tight)

through the skin!

(Use only one punctuation mark to end a sentence. Combining ? and ! is
acceptable for a statement that is both an exclamation and a question, but you
don't need a period if you've got another mark, and using more than one ! just
comes off as melodramatic.)

"Silence human. Enjoy your last moments as you will die with me"

"Silence, human.

with me."

-Shit. Please tell me that reincarnation works. Damn.-

On the positive side, good conflict in this scene. You managed to convey a sense
of why the outcome matters, and that it could end up either way. But on the
negative, you need to work on a coherent voice for your character. Fantasy mages
don't generally talk in modern-day colloquialisms; neither should this one,
unless he does so consistently and for a reason.

Whasa-by came closer. She picked up the knife and then it hit her.

I don't know what sort of name that's supposed to be, but it certainly isn't
Chinese. Try going to www.zhongwen.com if you want to get an idea of what
syllables the language has.

And life did what it usually does. To get on with things as best as you can in your given circumstances. Until today. Until someone foolish or innocent thinks they can change things for better.

Who's "you"?

Again, this paragraph is pretty much meaningless because it's in the abstract.
Your narrator's job is to describe what's happening in the story, including the
thoughts and feelings of some or all of the characters. It isn't to tell us what
the story is supposed to mean, or what the meaning of life is. Either put all of
this into the thoughts of a character in the story, or cut it.

Overall... while there were some good bits, I have to say that I didn't much
care for your characters. The two guardians seem to be completely "black and
white," i.e. one of them bad, the other good, and that's all there is to say.
While this sort of thing isn't uncommon in fantasy stories, it isn't as
interesting to read about as it would be to have characters with deeper
motivations who are capable of doing good or harm depending on circumstances.

For a first fic, you've chosen a very difficult genre. Original characters are
difficult to do well, and in a fantasy story you've got the added job of trying
to show us what your universe is like, all the while trying to build a story
that will hook our attention. It's your story, obviously, and I do realize that
you'll write what you want to write, but given that (as you mention in the
introductory notes) you're not yet happy with your writing, you may want to
attempt something a little less ambitious first, and come back for the difficult
job once you've gotten a few fics under your belt.

Again, all in my own opinion. I hope some of this was helpful, and good luck
with this and any future fanfiction.

SALVADOR: I wrote: "Why? I only wanted more. I wanted power for my shelf."

ELISTERAN: self.

KASUMI: Oh, I don't know. I might go conquer the world on behalf of my
pantry shelves, someday. Nobody but me ever thinks of the pantry.

HAPPOSAI: Nonsense. I do! Why, a day doesn't go by when I'm not thinking
about....

RANMA: She said panTRIES. With an "r".

HAPPOSAI: Oh.

NABIKI: Pennies? Did someone say....

RANMA: NO!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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