Never haning seen this anime, my reply will probably mostly consist of

writing

critisism.

criticism

Tomo punched Yomi in the solar plexus, instantly winding her and doubling
her over as she gasped for air.

man

Where in that sentence should "man" be placed? If you're going to criticise,
criticise helpfully.

"Hmph, trying to foist her responsibilities on me.

unless the guide is a woman, you might want to make 'her' into 'their'

It was stated in at least two places prior to this that the guide was,
indeed, a woman; "her" is a perfectly appropriate pronoun.

"I was just making a joke," Tomo admitted. She then elbowed Kagura in the
ribs. "Did you hear that? I got a saying right."

haha

I have to agree with this critical assessment.

Bewildered, Yomi said, "I somehow doubt that. You can't genetically alter
rocks, seeing as they have no genes."

again, i havent seen this anime, but am i to take they are all very young?
or did they get to the museum on the short bus?

If you haven't seen the anime, you shouldn't really be commenting on the
story, now should you? Because your commentary is less than useful except in
the strictly mechanical sense, and frankly I don't see much usefulness from
you in that regard here.

And, FYI, they are high school students, I don't see anything in the above
sentence to have engendered that question from you, and you probably
shouldn't make disparaging comments about people on the short bus.

A chorus of  "Yes" filled the air.

need punctuation after any word in quotation marks, unless you want to

make

them single quotes.

Not necessarily, and not necessarily in this case, either; it's a very
casual narrative approach, which tends to lend itself to individual
stylistic rules rather than hard-set textbook grammatical rules. Personally,
I would have written it a bit differently, but then, so would just about
everyone else on the list.

(And, for the record, I personally would have boiled the whole thing down to
"HAAAAAAI!")

"One hundred bottles of beer on the wall.
One hundred bottles of beer.
You take one down.
Pass it around.
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall."

add a space before the last line, as it starts a new verse, and id add an
elipsis too...

Errr...there's no actual need for a space there, since it'd be a little
awkward to just have that one line trailing off all by itself. The ellipse
is debatable as well, though most people admittedly *would* include it.

-ELL
Functional capacity: 78.6%


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'