ELL wrote:

Never haning seen this anime, my reply will probably mostly consist of

writing

critisism.

criticism

I will note I make the same mistake in C+C (since I leave my spell checker
off) Look carefully and you'll probably find plenty of mistakes in my
remarks. Michael Chase had fun doing it to me in my return C+C's. ^_^

Tomo punched Yomi in the solar plexus, instantly winding her and

doubling

her over as she gasped for air.

man

Where in that sentence should "man" be placed? If you're going to

criticise,

criticise helpfully.

I think he means it in the 'Oh, man, I can't believe she did that' sense.
max m has done plenty of C+C for me in the past, so I
have a feel for his comments and how they work. It's definitely a spot he'd
put it in.

Unless he did mean for me to put 'man' in there, in which case, you're
correct. ^_^

"Hmph, trying to foist her responsibilities on me.

unless the guide is a woman, you might want to make 'her' into 'their'

It was stated in at least two places prior to this that the guide was,
indeed, a woman; "her" is a perfectly appropriate pronoun.

Yep.

"I was just making a joke," Tomo admitted. She then elbowed Kagura in

the

ribs. "Did you hear that? I got a saying right."

haha

I have to agree with this critical assessment.

Cool. I thought it was Tomo-like.

As a side note: I personally always like it when people tell me which jokes
they find amusing. Let's me know what's working and what isn't. There are
some jokes I think are brilliant that no one comments on, and other lines
that others laugh at, that I think are pretty blase. It's interesting to see
which ones people find amusing. I know there are some authors that don't
care for those sorts of laugh comments, but I sure enjoy such remarks. Heck,
i leave them all the time in my C+C on other's works. ^_^

Bewildered, Yomi said, "I somehow doubt that. You can't genetically

alter

rocks, seeing as they have no genes."

again, i havent seen this anime, but am i to take they are all very

young?

or did they get to the museum on the short bus?

If you haven't seen the anime, you shouldn't really be commenting on the
story, now should you?

Now, now, Lurk, I commented on your Azumanga stuff before I saw the series
as well, but you didn't seem to think it was all that bad at the time
(although some of my suggestions were quite obviously bad, due to my
ignorance of the series. The one about Sakaki wearing a 'fur of a cat'
rather than a live cat being the one that leaps first to mind). And one of
the things that sometimes happens when you read fics of series you aren't
familiar with (usually because you like the author's work you are familiar
with) is that you want to become familiar with the series. I know your stuff
helped in that regard, and that the  stories you wrote with the gang were
entertaining and intruiging enough that it helped convince me to buy the
Azumanga series, which I am enjoying immensely (though I'm almost at the end
*sniff*) As long as someone mentions they aren't familiar with a series
(like Max did, so I know where they are coming from in their comments), I
have no problems about getting comments from them, even if they are mostly
just technical.

Because your commentary is less than useful except in
the strictly mechanical sense,

He did state that would probably be the nature of the C+C. If there aren't a
lot of grammar comments to make, cool, hopefully it means I did a good job
with them. Max has done a lot of C+C for me before, even on series that he
hadn't seen. I always find it useful to one degree or another, this one
included.

need punctuation after any word in quotation marks, unless you want to

make

them single quotes.

Not necessarily, and not necessarily in this case, either; it's a very
casual narrative approach, which tends to lend itself to individual
stylistic rules rather than hard-set textbook grammatical rules.

Personally,

I would have written it a bit differently, but then, so would just about
everyone else on the list.

While you're probably right, I am throwing in an exclamation point. It
doesn't like right without some form of punctuation there, and they were
emphatic about the fun they had.

"One hundred bottles of beer on the wall.
One hundred bottles of beer.
You take one down.
Pass it around.
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall."

add a space before the last line, as it starts a new verse, and id add

an

elipsis too...

Errr...there's no actual need for a space there, since it'd be a little
awkward to just have that one line trailing off all by itself.

Agree, although it is another verse and probably ought to be seperated. I'll
be leaving it as a whole for readablity. Putting it in quotes was a little
awkward to me, but that was because of the mark I used for scene divisions.

 The ellipse

is debatable as well, though most people admittedly *would* include it.

I will be adding the ellipse. It's a good suggestion. It adds a lot to the
endless nature of the song, which, as I have someone point out in the next
scene, nearly drove the bus driver crazy. I've only made hearing someone
sing it to 'eighty-six' before telling them to stop or I would pull over and
beat them to death with my tire jack.

Thanks for leaping to the defense of the fic, Lurk, though in this case it
wasn't needed since I know Max pretty well. It is still appreciated, though.

-ELL
Functional capacity: 78.6%

Hmm. One hundred percent soon. Does that mean you'll be turning out more
Azumanga stuff. *Hint *Hint*

DB Sommer

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