Juho Saarikko <juhos@mbnet.fi> wrote:
I decided to repost this after reading "Happi's Deligh" - just to prove
that it could get worse ;).
You know who owns these characters.
Yes, I do, but it's a gesture of courtesy and respect for fanfiction
authors to credit the original creator(s) by name. It's a reasonable
price for being able to use someone else's work, no?
****************************************************************************
************
Father's Day
by Jaksio
It was late evening and the Tendo household was quiet. Ranma watched his
father laying asleep on his futon. He slipped out and headed to the
bathroom. Once there, he quickly stripped, filled a bucket with cold water
and dunked it on himself. She refilled the bucket, dried herself with a
towel and headed back to the questroom.
guestroom (I think you mean)
Genma was still snoring, so Ranma dunked the bucket on him. Genma, to put
it mildly, did not approve. Ranma ducket the sign that the furious panda
ducked
was swinging at her, and hissed "Stop it old man, have you forgotten the
"Stop it, old man. Have
(When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, as with "old man" above,
always set the identification off by a comma. Genma saying "I volunteer,
Ranma!" is very unusual, while "I volunteer Ranma!" is completely
normal.)
Suggest: panda swung at
(using the direct form of a verb gives the narration a more dynamic
feel)
date ?".
date?"
(Remove extra space, and you don't need a period since you've got the
quote mark. This line is also mis-wrapped.
Genma stopped and stared at his currently very female and very naked son.
Not for very long, though.
Genma grapped unresisting Ranma and pulled her to his furry body. Ranma
stiffled a cry as the panda took her left breast to it's mouth. Genma
its mouth.
(or preferably)
his mouth.
("it's" is only used as a contraction of "it is" or something such. For
"belonging to it" use "its". As Genma is a person and not a thing, he is
better referred to using the pronouns for humans.)
decided to cut foreplay and lowered Ranma to it's member. She gasped as she
its (or) his
felt it enter her.
They moved together for a while, Ranma orgasming several times, until Genma
finally gave an animal grunt and splashed it's son's insides with it's
its (or) his (both times)
semen, sending her to yet another climax. They laid like that for a while,
They lay like
(When you do it to something else (bricks, an egg, etc.) it's "lay" in
present tense or "laid" in past. When you just do it yourself it's "lie"
in present or "lay" in past.)
Ranma resting her sweaty body against her fathers warm fur. As sleep
descended upon them, Ranma whispered "Happy Father's Day".
Well, that's it. C&C welcome, especially concerning grammar and
punctuation, since english is not my native language, and it's been a while
since I last wrote something.
Grammar and punctuation weren't too bad, with corrections above as
noted. But... no offense intended, but I have to wonder what the point
of this was.
I mean, you compare it to "Happi's Delight," but that story at least
makes an attempt to be plausible. Yours doesn't. Anybody can take two
characters and show them screwing each other by throwing
characterization down the toilet. It's obviously meant to shock, but it
doesn't, because you've shown us no reason to believe that it could
actually happen to the characters we know.
I'll also note that HD is presumably going to have more of a story than
just the sex, whereas yours doesn't. Your story starts with a premise
and pretty much stops there. That doesn't necessarily mean that yours is
worse, but it *does* make it a lot more important that your premise be
believable for the characters.
As always, please take this as just one cranky reader's opinion, and
good luck with any future fanfics.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
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