interesting idea. Let's see if you can pull it off:

Trigun Star
Episode 1: Typhoon in a Box
By PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)

Melfina breathed deeply, drawing in a deep lungful of air.

'deep/ly' is redundent. I'd just drop after 'deeply' since we have a good
idea it's air she's breathing.

 It was

strange to her how the air on a starship, even with a complex life
support system could be different from room to room.

true.

 She looked before

her, and thought that it fit. She was inside the cargo bay of Hilda's
ship, Horus. The air was stale and tasted old. It just some how fit the
atmosphere.

Hmm. Early in OS.

With a slight sigh to herself, she strode forward into the bay. She
doubted that she should be wandering the ship, but she wanted some time
alone. She was confused, upset, and lonely.

She sighed

too much 'sighing'. Drop the first or the second

 and thought back to nothing. She had no past. Why had she

even been created? What was her raison d'�tre? Was she even really a
person? She had hidden her sadness in front of the other people on this
ship

Odd. I was under the impression Hilda worked alone.

Melfina stopped once again. There was that sound again... and again!
There was something making a pounding sound, and it was near by.

nearby

Melfina stood up and began to search around for the source. She
wondered what it could be.

drop the second sentence. It's made obvious earlier by you she's curious.

 Her search for the source brought her around

a full circle of the cargo bay, back to where she had begun with no
luck.

With a sigh, she leaned back against the same pile of crates she had
slid down prior

I'd revise that. Sounds awkward to my ears, like it's missing something.

 and looked up at the stack across from her. She

wondered how much time she had spent looking. She closed her eyes and
asked herself, out loud. "Why am I here... why was I even born."

born?"

There was a loud thud, and a series of shaking noises. It was near her,
right across from her. Her eyes opened to see that one of the crates
was shaking and moving. The crates in that pile were odd. While all the
others were metal or plastic, they were wooden.

Mel

use her full  name like you have been. Don't change it save in other's
dialogue

You're giving me a lot to work with. :)

"Hello!" replied a muffled male voice from inside the box.

Melfina blinked once again, and moved back toward the box. "There is
someone in there?"

"Yep."

Heh. I'm assuming this is Vash. He's one of the few folks that could be
casual in this manner.

"Yeah, which is why I have to ask you this... Get me out of here! It's
cold in here, I'm hungry and I gotta use the bathroom!" the voice
exclaimed.

Mel paused for a moment. People were not supposed to be in boxes.

Or in suitcases, but that won't stop Hilda from putting her in one. :)

Mel looked at the box. It was sealed with four heavy metal spikes
placed into hinges. She gave one of them a pull. It was stuck. Mel
looked closely at it

'at it' is excessive.

 and saw that one end was scuffed and flattened,

like it had been hit many times with something heavy. She smiled. She'd
have to hit them to loosen them, not that difficult.

Mel

and again here. Refer to a character the same way throughout any work.

quickly walked away from the crate and began searching for

something to use.

'use' is a bit vague. Recommend 'something to knock out the spikes' or along
those lines

Melfina stepped back slightly. This man was, for lack of a better word,
quite strange.

yes, Vash is.

"Mel... Melfina," she replied. For some reason she felt embarrassed,
but at the same time happy. "What's yours?" she added moments later.

The man in red coughed and changed his posture and facial expressions
to a dynamic, dramatic, and outright silly posture that for some
reason, made her blush even brighter and caused her heart to pound in
her chest. In a voice soft as silk, and filled with no lack of bravado,
he said, "I am Vash the Stampede, known to some as the 'Humanoid
Typhoon'. I'm but a simple Hunter of Peace that chases the Mayfly known
as Love... at your service!"

good standard vash intro.

Melfina giggled. She didn't know why, but she found this terribly
amusing.

Most do. :)

Vash smiled widely again, he

his

"Finish that song, please? Come on! Sit down! If you teach me that
song, I'll. hmmm." he

He

stood still for a moment, making hit

it

look like he

was thinking, but it was obvious that he already know

knew

Melfina slowly began the song. It was hard for her to keep he
composure, be

but

He grinned wickedly and brought he face to hers, and licked the tip of
her nose. "You taste pretty real too!"

Heh. A bit forward of him though.

Vash turned around. He was serious again. "Tell me, Melfina, what is
the meaning of anyone's life?" He smiled and placed his hands on her
shoulders. "Mel... can I call you Mel?"

Vash: You look a bit like Vic Tayback to me.

Melfina nodded.

With his voice, full of kindness and gentility Vash told her "Mel, what
gives your life meaning is not why you're alive but

alive, but

Vash looked the outlaw women in the eye then looked down to Melfina.
Slowly and purposefully he stepped away from Mel, taking a stand in the
center of the cargo bay, his stand clearly none

not

 threatening.

The cycloptian

cyclopian

 outlaw looked at him through a cold eye. "I don't know

who you're working for, but you can not

cannot

"Starship. That explains a lot," he muttered. Vash slowly rotated the
explosive charge in his hands, and examined it closely, his eyes
focusing on the scuffmarks and slight indentations from when Melfina
used it to open his crate.

Heh. Oops.

Mess hall... Crew quarters... storage... maintenance... armory...
airlock... AIRLOCK!?

Vash skid to a loud, screeching stop and rushed back around to the
airlock door. "Haha!" he cried in triumph. With a huge grin on his face
he looked at something, which at that moment, what

was

"I'm holding a bomb. It is about to explode! I

If

Lot of basic grammar mistakes here. You ought to proof it one more time
before sending it.

you don't let me access

the airlock, it'll blow up the ship!"

"Scanning," stated the computer. "Active explosive charge has been
detected. Access granted."

At least the computer is reasonable. ^_^

Vash pushed the open button and threw the explosive into the lock. The
door quickly sealed, and Vash pressed the override. The outer door
opened and the explosive decompression blew the charge into space.

Vash sighed and let him self

himself

 slide down the opposite wall as he saw a

bright flash in the distance.

"Ah... that was close."

Vash heard a click and he

his

Hilda looked him in the eye. "From you

your

skill level, and the physical

descriptions I heard while on that rock do fit you, I could believe it,
but you don't seem like a blood thirsty, mass murdering killing machine
to me..."

They rarely do. :)

Vash blushed and began to wave his hands in protest. "Hey! Hey now!
Don't believe everything you hear in a rumor!"

"Hey, exactly where is Gunsmoke? I

I've

 never heard of it," said Jim.

Hilda sighed. "It's a backwards, technologically degenerate colony
beyond even the frontier. Its

It's

Vash smiled in absolute contentment as he all but danced through
Horus's corridors. If Gene had been awake, he would have told Vash that
he knew a man name Fred with whom he get along with just wonderfully.

While Vash always tried to live each day to its fullest and appreciate
ever

every

Hilda nodded in response. "Yes, what do you need."

need?

"I want to know if you'd be willing to take me home," he stated.

Hilda blinked. "You want to go back to that dustball? Why?"

Vash's smile faded as memories of his past came to the surface. He
found it strange really. He has

had

Vash turned his head and looked at the lady outlaw through the tired
eyes of one who has seen far too much suffering in his lifetime. "I
don't kill. All life is precious, and I don't right

have the right

 >

Hilda gawked at him. "You got me to back down from a Mexican standoff
with a empty gun?"

It's part of the standoff. :)

Vash smiled and followed. A collection of thoughts raced through his
mind about the nature of his situation. He was a stranger in a strange
land here, shanghaied

Nah. In order to be 'shanghaied' it has to be intentional. This was just an
accident. :)

onto a starship crew. Oh well, if he couldn't get

home, he might as well enjoy it. He looked at Hilda and grinned. Might
as well get some flirting in. After all, this woman was one hell of a
pretty lady.

Well, maybe to some. She always seemed gruff, though charming, to me. :)

Hilda blinked in confusion. "And, what of it?"

"No one every

ever

 > Vash smiled sweetly and looked down, horribly flushed. "Y-you see, I

joke around, but honestly think of sex as a thing you only do with
someone really special..."

Hilda: Let me show you otherwise.

--------------------

Gene Starwind jolted awake on Horus's bridge. He was covered in sweat
thanks to one horrible nightmare. It was always the same, and this
nightmare was real. The death of his father.

"Oh." she

Oh," he

groaned.

The door behind him slip

slid

"Gene! You awake yet,"

yet?

asked Jim as he stepped in.

Gene looked lover and blinked. In the doorway stood Jim, Melfina, and a
tall blond man with a red coat. Looked like a real badass. "Hey, Jim,
who's the blond?"

"His name, is

drop the comma

"There where the hell did you come from?" Gene inquired.

Melfina moved to speak but closed her mouth and inched back. A hand on
her shoulder stopped her. Melfina looked and locked eyes with Vash. He
smiled gently and nodded.

Melfina blushed slightly and said, "He... he was locked in a crate in
the cargo bay... I let him out."

Gene blinked. Locked in a crate? Did he even want to know the story
behind that one?

No.

--------------------

 "Ah! I'll take this over a spaceship any day!" exclaimed Gene as he
exited the ramp from Hilda's starship. To emphasize his point, the
Sentinel native outlaw stomped the deck a couple of times.

"I take it your cherry is officially popped," Jim remarked
sarcastically.

I don't recall Jim really talking like that.

"His name is Vash the Stampede, the Humanoid Typhoon," interrupted
Hilda. Melfina wondered why Vash wasn't aloud

allowed

"McCoy says he can't make it."

"Why not?"

"Because he's a doctor, not an outlaw, damnit!"

"Fools."

"McCoy, this McDougal

McCoy this, McDougal

 >

"Sounds like the other kid doesn't understand either," commented
Swanzo. "There are three powers in space: The military, pirates, and
outlaws. The major difference is motivation. The military are motivated
by duty and the pirates by greed and the lust for power."

Eh. I suppose this is necessary for those only familiar with Trigun.

Melfina just blinked. She couldn't see what was wrong with it. It
sounded like a beautiful ideal.

Yes, but by nature most ideals are impossible to live by, since the universe
is governed by reality rather than ideals. People that try to live solely by
their ideals oftenttimes have the opposite of their stated intent occur.

Vash smiled to himself as he stood in the conveyer-belt style corridor
that led from the landing bays to be main city. This was strange, but
at the same time, he liked it. Here he was off of Gunsmoke, seeing the
universe in a way that he never had before. He could meet new people,
eat new donuts, and maybe find a place in the greater universe that he
could never find back on Gunsmoke.

Who was he kidding.

kidding?

 Gunsmoke was home, and he had unfinished business.

With the holes in he

his

 memory, he didn't remember any details of the July

City disaster and much that occurred before it was also a blank, but he
had something to do.

"No way!" exclaimed Gene. "I don't know a think

thing

about cloths

clothes

 shopping!

She's with you, Hilda, isn't she?"

Hilda looked ant gene and replied, "I have some place to go and Melfina
needs cloths.

clothes

"So, I guess it's settled. Vash, Jim, and Melfina go shopping. I'll
show Gene around," stated Hilda.

"Well, not exactly"

exactly,

Vash smiled and looked at the kid. Mentally he analyzed how to best
approach Jim. The boy confused him, and from what he'd seen, saddened
him. He was so adult, so responsible. No time to throw caution to the
wind and live for the joy of them moment. No time to be a child.

Gene has that angle covered.

Vas

Vash

"Hilda said you have a huge reputation back home. She made it sound
like you are a household name."

Vash sighed. His past always followed him around like...

A black cat with an absurdly large head and yellow eyes sped past his
feet chasing a mouse.

Kuroneko. The omincient god of Gunsmoke. :)

The Humanoid Typhoon nodded. "No one has the right to take the life of
another. To do so is to destroy something invaluable that can never be
replaced. Once someone is dead, it can't be taken back."

Jim blinked, "Ah, okay... so, what about the city?"

Vash remained completely silent then smiled. "Well, enough standing
around!" he exclaimed. "Lets get something to eat, then get Melfina
some clothes!" He stopped and looked at Melfina. "Or would could get
the cloths

clothes

-------------

Hilda smiled as she looked around the bar. It had been too long since
she had been to the place, and few things had changed. Same people,
same watered down drinks. The Ctarl-Ctarl striper

stripper

"No," replied the clerk, "But the madam who made the reservations had a
message for a 'Vash the Stampede'."

"Oh? What did she say?"

The clerk shrugged. "She said, 'Enjoy the floor'."

Jim blinked. "What a bitch..."

Heh

--------------------

"Damn it Gene," muttered Jim, as Melfina too

took

Author's despriate request: Can I get some C&C this time? Please, PLEASE,
send commentary! Thanks a lot...

Give it if you want to get it.

Overall, nice intro. Flowed nicely, and Vash's intro made familiar territory
new enough to be enjoyed. He's not overwhelming, and does fit in to the OS
universe. We'll see where you take this.

DB Sommer

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'