and doing more light work:

Title: Deal With the Devil

Naru: How else do you think I managed to turn Keitaro into Seta Jr? First I
made him cool with the ladies, instead of the loser he had been all his
life. Then he started working in the same profession. I increased his
fighting abilities, and now he even wears the same style of glasses. Next up
is to make him drive shitty, then he'll be the perfect knockoff of the man I
really love. Muhahaha!

Well, it is a pet theory of mine. ^_^

Keitaro Urashima fought the urge to give an almighty wail of anguish,
and instead just groaned, letting his head fall forward to thud on the
table. "I'm NEVER gonna get into Tokyo U.!"

Hmm. Perhaps it is grammatically correct, but i don't care for the period
exclamation point thing. Might want to reword it, though it is just a
spamfic.

 he moaned, albeit muffled by

his math textbook.

sounds a bit off, like there's a tense wrong or word missing.

 After a moment, he sat up and adjusted his glasses,

causing the pencil that had stuck to his forehead to fall off and
clatter to the table.
"I can't stand to be humiliated again,"

Oh, well he'd better not leave his room then.

he whispered, sliding both

hands into his hair, and then ruffling it madly.

Heh. That is one of Kei boy's mannerisms. I'll have to remember that if I
ever write the LH fic I have in mind.

 "Gyaaa! I'd make a deal

with the devil to get into Tokyo U!"
Immediately, the sliding door of his room was snapped to the side,
Mitsune Konno standing there, grinning broadly, eyes closed as usual.

again tenses feel off.

"Okay! Let's talk!"
"Huh?" Keitaro blinked as the sandy blonde girl strode across the room
and turned to flump down, sitting across the table from him. "Kitsune,
what are you doing here?"
"You said you'd make a deal with the devil to get into Tokyo U.,
right?" Kitsune said reasonably, taking a pen and a piece of paper,
starting to cheerfully write. "So let's get down to contract

negotiations!"

Keitaro: I'm sorry. I already sold my soul to a demon to be popular with the
girls. I don't have anything to barter with.

"... What?"
"Oh, come on, ronin," Kitsune needled, smirking. "You really ARE slow.
Think it through, man!"
"..." Keitaro just stared at her for

Keitaro: No. If I think it through, I might not like where things end up, so
I'm staying right here, confused.

 long moments. Then, without a

shift in his befuddled expression, he raised a hand and pointed at her.
"... You're the devil?"
"Yup!" Kitsune confirmed cheerfully. "Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scrotch,

Never heard that one. Old Scratch, I've heard.

the Serpent, Lucifer, Light of God, the Serpent in the Garden..." She
trailed off, then raised an eyebrow. "You're surprised?"

Keitaro: Yes, I would have had Sarah pegged for it.

"... Now that you mention it, not really."
"Right! So here's the deal, bucko!" Kitsune thrust the paper towards
Keitaro. "You get into Tokyo U., and as a bonus, I'll make sure you and
Naru wind up together!"

Keitaro: I was thinking more along the lines of a harem thing. Mutsumi.
Shinobu. Koalla. etc.

Mitsune: Nope. It's got to be with Naru only.

Keitaro: Why are you throwing that in as a freebie anyway?

Mitsune; Well, truth be told, she sold her soul to have you as her
boyfriend. Actually her first choice was Seta, but Haruka already gave her
soul to me for him, so you were the only guy left and she settled for you.
It does limit my contract negotiating ability, I admit.

Keitaro: Oh, well, that makes sense too. I can live with her as my main
squeeze.


Seeing Keitaro's eyes widen, she smirked

broader. "Thought you'd like that. Anyway, the deal is, after you
graduate, you do the vocation *I* tell you to, and do it the way *I*
tell you to!"
"But-" Keitaro began to protest.
"Consider who you want to marry, and the fact that you'll be having
your every move dictated by a woman as it is."
"... When you put it that way, you've got a deal."

*Sigh* This is true for all men, isn't it?

Keitaro DID get into Tokyo University, and on his very next try, to
boot. Of course, he figured he'd just lucked out, and that Kitsune must
have been pulling one of her usual pranks. He and Naru grew closer and
closer, even though she continued berating him and occasionally beating
the snot out of him. He worked on his art as well, when he had spare
time, and got very good at drawing cute, innocent-seeming girls like
Shinobu.

Of course, innocent seeming was the key words, since good old Shinobu was
'talented' enough to deep throat a zucchine, and it was from a great deal of
practice.

"A webcomic?!"
"Yes. It will become an insanely popular webcomic, too! MILLIONS will
read about your sweet little innocent girls!"
Keitaro just stared for long moments. It seemed odd... but not bad!
Slowly, he rose to his feet. "Er, so... what do you get out of it?"
Kitsune grinned... her most wicked grin to date.
"I control when you update."

Heh. Cute. Punchline worked for me.

DB Sommer

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'