�Oh great, another self insertion� I hear you grumbling
Yeah, I know, I�m falling into the trap that many a writer has done.
This is different (kind of) from the norm for the genre though.  
Instead of the inserted character knowing everything and being all-
powerful, I am actually going to be basing my character off of my RL 
self.

The story starts out very bland...and very very dark.  the first 
chapter is where things start in the actual storyline, so skipping 
the prologue won't mess you up.

The End of Pain
by Shadow Dancer

******
prologue
******

'Will the pain ever end?' I ask myself in the depths of my mind.

Today I tried, again, to get close to someone.  Someone who I cared 
for.  And, again, I was rebuffed.

It's not her fault...not really.  Ever since I was taken advantage 
of, it has been impossible for me to get close to anyone.  Forget 
'taken advangage of'.  it's too...tame.  passive.  To put it bluntly, 
I was raped.  I've heard so many times, from so many people, 'men 
can't be raped, it's always the girls.'  Well, maybe in their fantasy 
world it would be true.  Not in real life.

There are many types of rape.  The one that is most common, is 
physical rape.  Everyone knows about it, and men are 'too strong' to 
let that happen to them.  What they don't see, is that most men are 
also prohibited from hurting women...even if the woman is hurting 
them.

This happened to me...the last time I was 'with' a friend.  She used 
me...and used my hatred of _hurting_ people against me.  She used me, 
abused me...and then left me on the side.

Then there is emotional rape.  Men and women both are guilty of this 
one.  Someone who is emotionally attached to someone else leaves 
themselves wide open to this. 'you don't love me' 'you hate me' 'why 
don't you love me anymore'...all of these are examples of them.

This also happened to me.  with that same girl.  'no-one can know 
what we did' she says.  Then she refuses to talk to me kindly, 
verbally abusive...and, even in private, refuses to be kind in any 
way.

Then there is mental rape.  In many ways, it is similar to 
emotional...and in other ways it isn't.  When someone has something 
different about themselves...something that they dislike...and it is 
used against them...it hurts.  a lot.  Sometimes even too much.

This, also, happened to me.  With that same girl.  You see, I was 
born what is called 'intersexed'.  or, more colloquially, a 
'hermaphrodite.'  I had a surgury when I was young, to take away one 
of the sets of equipment.  the _wrong_ set.  so what I was left with, 
is something that doesn't fit to my inner self.  in short, that 
_thing_ hurts me, just being there...and, when she used it...it was 
too much to bear.

It still is too much to bear.

The girl I'm 'chasing' right now...she is someone I've cared for for 
almost forever.  And, unfortunately, she also sees me as my inner 
self.  Why is it unfortunate? Well, I identify as female..always 
have.  And..she's straight.

'Damn.'

'I just want the pain to stop.'

'Maybe...maybe there is no other way.'

I take the knife from the counter, and slip it into my robe pocket.  
'If there is another way...I don't want to wait for it anymore.'

I slip into the bathroom, closing, and locking the door behind me.  I 
fill the tub, noting how cliche what I am doing is.  I slip in, pull 
out the knife, and whisper, "Goodbye, life."


*****

I await the flames!


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